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Note: You may or may not want to know what is going on in my head, or what happened today in my life. If you are under age this may harm any hope you had for a future. Proceed with extreme caution. ~ Thought Log ~ (journal/rants/stupidity/blog?) I have a Prayer page now. I will post my prayer requests and praises as I feel like it. If you are one to pray, please go there and check it out. 10/03/2005 -- 5:14PM Mood/Music: Eh, not bad -- None (17:08:01) my_2cents_2004: :: cracks neck :: (17:08:22) my_2cents_2004: I am highly adaptive to my environment of people, I think. (17:08:39) my_2cents_2004: When I was around people, I was much more about talk and less about bond. (17:08:53) my_2cents_2004: Like, as a long term... and constant lifestyle change. (17:09:08) my_2cents_2004: ... now that the vice is true, I am quite highly introverted. (17:09:31) my_2cents_2004: .... Either case I liked it... but I prefer my introversion... I just want more people to have a deep relationship with. [edit: I ended a statement with a preposition, CRAP.... I won't fix it, but I will point out that I ultimately know better![/edit] 09/25/2005 -- 2:05AM Mood/Music: "Good, kinda tired, but good." -- None Wow, what a lazy, foolish liar I am. I haven't posted anything in here since I got my xanga account. Anyway. I loved her. I did. I didn't want to use the word, and for most people they would think me stupid to use the word, but I did. I loved her. And I still love her. I really didn't want to use this word because I haven't had the feasibility to love her in the many (many) ways I wanted to. I avoid using the word 'love' in general for this very reason. So, in me saying this, one must understand how important and serious this matter feels to me. Yes, I am talking about Melissa. Now, realism is very key to any facet of your life. I know this when I am talking about Melissa. Don't get sidetracked or start scoffing. Melissa Miller lives in Pennsylvania, used to live in Ohio. We met online almost a year ago. I struck up a conversation with her on AIM, we talked more and more often. I looked forward to talking to her less than 3 weeks afterward -- Yes, I would get on the internet as soon as I could just so I could be able to talk to her. Our friendship grew quite a bit over the months; we learned each others quirks and interests, preferences and goals. Our loves, our styles, our hates, our weaknesses. I saw her happy, in pain, lovely, hopeful, rebellious, hurt, gleeful, random, lonely, doubtful, and when she was just okay. She knew I liked her, even loved her. But the word 'love' was scarcely used. I had never said I loved Melissa, really. But now, I realize I did love her. I hate this, I am not posting this on my xanga. I hate this, I want this said. I hate this, I can't love her the way I want to. I hate this, I haven't even met her in person. I hate this, I am stuck. I hate this feeling of hate. I love her, why must both emotions exist? Because they conflict. I love her so much that I want to love her more. I cannot do that where I am right now -- different state, no means, and a bit annoyed at myself for things. To Melissa:
Jonathan Vajda 06/06/2005 -- 9:37PM Mood/Music: Okay. Ish. -- None I got a xanga account. But I will still post (generally) the same stuph here too. Don't worry, I like this more. http://www.xanga.com/LeetVajda I spent a ton of time praying this morning, when I would've been playing Tetris or Starcraft. I am so happy I did that. It started the day off better, instead of doing it at the ned of the day. It was overdue, too. Cuz I suck like that. My dad just got off the phone with the cable company. Grr. No willpower. We JUST got rid of extended cable a while ago, because my family has no income and pay over $48 a month for TV that we don't watch often (at all) is ridiculous. We changed it to basic, which is about 15 bucks a month, it was much more managable and still ridiculous. The guy from the cable company convinced my parents of going back to extended cable for $30 bucks a month. GRR. We don't NEED TV, and we don't have an income! Gosh! I was almost bragging that we lost cable to my friends, and now this. :: sigh :: And I know it is not because my dad cannot say 'no' to a guy on the phone, especially a salesman. I know it is that my dad idolized TV, and when he is sitting bored the majority of the day watching local channels and anything else that is not Fox News, he gets very unfulfilled. He can't pass this up, he is saving 18 bucks a month compared to what it was before. So this just gives it back to him, until March 2006, at least. well, I did find out about Taco Bell....that was a no. Woot. >_> 06/05/2005 -- 12:28AM (technically 06/05/2005 -- 5:03PM) Mood/Music: Okay, getting tired -- Fruity Loops Compilation 2 DUDE. I WEIGH UNDER 200LB. I haven't been this light in years!!! I checked yesterday and found I was 198lb. I checked again today, I was 195lb. A few months ago I was 216lb. I didn't even do this deliberately. I have eaten only a little less, and I have done a bit more exercise. That was just out of sheer instinct or something. I used to eat about 2-4 bowls of cereal for a meal. Yesterday I ate a bowl, then I (much to my embarrassment) had to dump my second bowl. Today was fun. It was hot out, but I went anyway. I climbed our tree in the backyard quite fast. I went where I usually go, a fairly high point, about 10-15ft from the top of the tree. Then I noticed my old marking; when I was younger, I put a string of yarn on the highest point I could reach. I saw that as a fun challenge. I climbed higher yet and found that I was almost standing on the spot which I could barely reach before. Here I am, about 5-10 feet from top of the tree. I can feel the trunk sway and bend for my weight. The wind even moves it. It is a cool feeling, you feel powerful for having conquered height's scare, you feel your own agility as greatness -- yet you are over 25 feet in the air being swayed by air molecules you cannot even see. This makes you rely on the branches a bit, along with your own strength. It is calming for me, for some reason, while it also unnerves me. It is an interesting contradiction. I hope I don't sound blasphemous, but it feels like Jesus in the boat during the storm. You know you aren't going to die, but by rights it should be otherwise. I'm alive, aren't I? :D 06/03/2005 -- 2:14PM Mood/Music: Tired -- Step Up To The Microphone (the album) by Newsboys Let me explain last night. I had been taking stupid personality tests, they seemed to hit on the nail on a lot of my quirks. However, the more I read it, the more I was annoyed. Because some things didn't make sense (they didn't fit me), and some just annoyed me because I didn't WANT to believe that I could be like that. On top of that, I have been haunted by the thought that I am going to be like my dad. And Melissa's dad is similar to my own, probably worse. I hate a lot of what my father does. Melissa hates a lot of what her father does. Imagine my disgust. Shh, don't tell. We have crushes on each other (we told each other). But I keep seeing things that might make her hate me. I don't want this. If I DO become the monster I hate so much, will I be able to live with myself? Let alone, will whoever I marry?! I don't want to unleash myself on whomever I love. This makes me feel like crap, and not wanting to exist. Like there should be less people like me. Now, I already know personality tests like those are not definite. They aren't exact. I shouldn't base my life on them. Doch! DUH. Etc. But my brain is structured similarly to an INTP no matter what. My personality seems to be changing from when I was younger, which I find funny. I already knew the way I acted and thought has changed since college. The first personality test I took, I got INTP. Since then I have gotten extrovert (3 times in a row). I am not really worried about the personality tests as much as I am about how I describe my dad, and how she describes hers. They seem similar, but on top of that I feel I am deathly similar. About not helping friends. Lately, I have found some instances where I just do not have any ability to help them. For example, a girl I know online, she was getting drunk and I was trying to convince her to go to bed. I handled it poorly, I thought, as she told me to 'shut up' and 'leave [her] alone.' Another example, my friend has been given the silent treatment for some thing(s) he doesn't(didn't) even know offended someone deeply. I felt impossibly worthless to him on so many occasions, it felt wrong for my to call myself a friend. The scream at the start was actually experienced. I was in the bathroom and in so much disgust air was not coming out of my windpipe, thus no sound. I was so distraught (and it was so late at night) that I could not make a sound. Don't try it at home when you are actually in that mood. It doesn't feel good. Hope is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now. Hope that I will NOT be my father. Hope that I will NOT be Melissa's father. Hope that I will be a beautiful painting as God adds strokes of the brush to me every day. I just need to trust Him and believe He will make me better. On a different topic, my site is technically a year old. In November 2003 through March 2004, I started writing rants and sorrows of our times. I started making my site's layout and everything April-June 2004. I uploaded it shortly thereafter. July was a tweaking month. August 2004 I had all the pages up of the things I wrote on. September or October I unleashed it to everyone. From there I added pages, thought logs, etc. I got some your_2Cents pages and have been adding those. I am glad I have a slight log of what happened when. Jimminy cricket ate my "punkin'" pie, ☼ Jonathan Vajda 06/03/2005 -- 12:57AM Mood/Music: Ugh. [Ugh?] Yes, 'Ugh.' -- The Wave - by Newsboys When I think about myself, I don't like what I am. Have you ever screamed so hard that no one, not even yourself, could hear you? You can feel it, but you can't hear it. While you shout, you open your squinting eyes to see your face. Your face is contorted, your posture shifted in place. The only thing missing is the grueling, terrible "GAH!" coming out of your mouth. It trips on your tongue and your pain isn't heard, as your face turns red and your eyes turn red as the lids fill. I am so sick of this. I can't help some of my friends when they need help the most. I am worthless, am I not? I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't. I can't protect you from myself. I love you too much. I love you all too much. Right now the best thing for you all is for me to not exist. The only thing I have that is preventing me from making this world better is the hope that I can be better. That hope is slipping. I am too evil. Too much like the evil I know I hate. Tell me, please tell me I am not going to be evil. Saline is all over my face. My mouth drowning in salt. My nose is a faucet. My pants wading in the typhoon. My lashes soaking like rags. Hope. Oh yeah, celebrate. This site is a year old. I hope you're happy, ☼ Jonathan Vajda 06/01/2005 -- 4:57PM Mood/Music: Good, head itches though -- Scarecrow - by Skillet I did one of those survey things. It took so long, I thought I'd just put it on my site and never do one again. For as long as I live. Or at least as long as my answers are still the same (No, I DO NOT have a girlfriend!) http://www.geocities.com/my_2cents_2004/survey_thing01.html Later, ☼ Jonathan Vajda 05/26/2005 -- 3:02PM Mood/Music: Excited and tired -- Vaughan Williams (Orchestral Works) Well, guys, "Later" is now. I have two things to say. 1) Social Games Narrative attack style: Start story in the present tense, give background information characters, continue story with details and finish on reflections learned from that story. >:] Okay, so I am almost done mowing. I go on the back-trails to mow them. I am about half-way done on the paths, then I see a man walking around. I slow down and turn off the mower (gotta be safe, and I wanna know what's going on). I walk over to the man, and he starts talking. :D Now, mind you, this is Mr. Galahough (sp?). My parents own a lot of land, and they are leasing some of it, about an acre or so of it. I am the son of the people that the Galahoughs are renting from. He is deep into the property of land he is not even renting. I am there. >:] He tries to keep his composure as he explains what on earth he is doing there. I listen, trying my best not to sound judging and putting a few phrases like "Yeah," "Mmm-Hmm," and "Ah, okay." He is starting to get nervous, I could tell. ["I'm just picking up balls. Got about 27 of them."] "Ah, I see." ["But I am done."] "You Sure?" o.O ["Yeah."] "Cuz I am just passing through, you can continue if you want." ["No, no. That's okay, I am done."] "Oh okay." [:: looks half suspicious :: "My bucket is almost full anyway. So, yeah, I better be going."] "Yeah." :: walks over to mower :: "Have a good day Mr. Galahough!" [ :: no response :: ] :: gets on mower, starts it :: I can see why Matt has fun with things like that. It was *quite* fun. I hope I don't get into the habit of getting into situations like that. Then I might be tempted to abuse power... >:] Gasp, and no one would wanna see that. ^_^ 2) Gasp. Job?: The Trek for jobs I was going down Mission, near Pizza Hut. I saw far off stores and such and thought "Man, that is a bit of a long walk, a lot of which are for nothing probably." Trinity: "Neo, you have been down that road before. You know how it ends." Then I looked across the street and saw Taco Bell, I thought "Well, I could try there."... I looked, and NO traffic! I continued to the other side. With Arby's Jamocha shake in hand, I thought to myself, "I better leave my stuph outside... I don't want a bad first impression like that." So I left my things outside. (Yes, I know the danger involved, and further... I didn't expect to be in there long.) I asked the cashier, "Is Taco Bell hiring?" ["Yeah, Taco Bell is always hiring. Applications are right there."] Took me a second, but then I regained my composure and found the applications. ["Can you work nights? Like, until 4AM?"] "Yeah, I am a night-owl. That could work." I started to walk out, but he stopped me. ["Cuz if you fill it out now, you practically got the job."] I stopped moving completely and immediately. "Really?" ["Yeah." O.o] "Do you have a pen??" ["Yeah, sure, one sec."] He handed the pen to me and said, ["Yeah, I think you'd have a better chance if you fill it out here, now, so you could probably get an interview today."] My eyes enlargened, as I tried to keep my composure suitable and respectable. I walked over to the table with pen in hand, then I realized that I had my stuph out there. I set the form down and grabbed my things. *cough* ARBY'S JAMOCHA SHAKE *cough*. I filled out the form, and couldn't remember all of my employer's information. Woo hoo, look at Jon prepared. Wait, you can't! >_> I'ma skip some of my stupidity for the sake of not wanting to type it out. Okay, so we pick up in the story where Jon hands the application in. I handed the application in, and he said, ["Yeah, when my supervisior comes back in, he will probably call you to line up an interview."] "That sounds awesome." I walk out and said "Have a good day!" Now, as I had in my head since I was filling out my home phonenumber, I must be at home to accept any calls. Went I was crossing the front of the Embers, I started to pick up pace as I knew that I could NOT be on campus until 4PM if he calls before then. I resolved to come home before 4 o'clock. I started to run to the library (mind you, the library is mid-to-north part of campus, I am a bit outside of the north end of campus.). I finally got to the library, after making fairly good time, only to find ... guess? Yes, I do NOT have my phone-card with me. AWESOME BEANS I started running from the payphone on the north part of the library and kept at top speed (well, my shoes hindered me a bit...), while ROTC guys were staring at me, until I was at Warriner Hall's enterance. I finally got to Grawn Hall (which is where my brother works) and asked if I could use the phone. He said sure. Ring, ring, Neo. Wait, no, that didn't happen. BUSY. GOSH! Josh then e-mailed my parents to see if they could get off the phone. Well, as he was typing out the e-mail I resolved that I would walk home. (I will skip a part with which I spent time talking to one of my old classmates.) I walked down Preston, passed a schoolbus full of little kids, waved to them, continued walking. I passed Mr. Lator's house, waved to *a* policeman, though... he was on a motorcycle. I got down to the stopsign and crossed the street to the block with the Mormonness (ugh) is. At that moment, a group of Mormon highschoolers(?) surrounded me and started asking me questions. They slowly (subconsciously?) got me closer and closer to the building. I saw a man in a Satan costume, so I ran, pushing a kid out of the way. He cried. The highschoolers (again, ??) started chasing me, this seemed to get ugly fast. At that instant God came down and smote them all. I praised Him. The End. Okay, you didn't buy that part. Fine. I laughed as I re-read it. Sorry. So, yeah, I will continue with the real thing. I passed the Church of Latter Day Saints and then Mrs. Pitts went by in her van. She rolled down the window and asked how I was doing and what. I replied saying I was good but sweaty, and that I was walking home. She offered a ride, I accepted. She drove me alittle over 2 miles and saved me a long walk. Praise God! (And praise God that I didn't get surrounded by crying mormons in satan costumes!) I got home, thanked her for the ride. Came inside, told my parents what was up. Then I came downstairs after a while to write this, as I wait for that phonecall. Which, still, hasn't happened. That was fun. It (the second thing) all happened within one hour. And praise God for it! This was fun to type out, ¤ Jonathan Vajda 05/26/2005, 1:19PM Mood/Music: Okay -- http://www.purevolume.com/babyloveandthevandangos Matt, you were right. Social games are fun. I'ma come back and explain later. I gotta go. Later, ☼ Jonathan Vajda 05/25/2005, 2:06PM Mood/Music: GRRR -- Take by Skillet This is a stupid Jon-ism: I got to thefacebook.com I see "You have an unread message!" I click and think to myself "who could it be from?" 5-20 people run through my mind, each having some skimmed subject in mind. As the page loads, I check the other window, showing friends I notice (this was one of the 5-20) Gina updated her profile recently. My heart races and my mind goes "GASP!!!!!!!!!!!! No way. The message MUST be someone else!!!" I stare impatiently at the loading screen, as my heart beats faster and faster -- my breath following suit. It was some loser that wanted me to join his loser group. Thus, GRRR. Jon's natural instincts are a pain in the neck! GRRR, § Jonathan Vajda § 05/25/2005, 2:06PM Mood/Music: Slight Headache, but otherwise dandy -- Whatever the person on the other computer's headphones are blaring. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. CHICKEN POT PIE. Chicken Pot Pie. The pizza rolls were delicious, ☼ Jonathan Vajda 05/24/2005, 8:07PM Mood/Music: Eh, okay. -- Synthtron I knew it. Inside I did. I didn't see it, I didn't believe it, but I knew it. This girl I've kept my eye on for a while has a boyfriend. Like, I am quite sure completely and utterly boyfriendness is in her possession... If that doesn't make sense, here: I sorta like this girl, and she has a boyfriend (I am fairly sure). Woo hoo. DENIED.Being alone sucks. 05/23/2005, 10:31PM Mood/Music: down (d is not capitalized even!) -- Chevelle Point #1 Your soothing hands to run down back. We need a healing aloe plant, Your soothing hands to run down back. We need a healing aloe plant, Your soothing hands to run down back. :� Jonathan Vajda :� Hold my hand, feel a chill in here Tired of looking through you I�ve found myself can you find you 05/23/2005, 9:35PM Mood/Music: Frustrated/confused -- All Float On - Modest Mouse I am SO screwed. Dang it! Persecution leads me to the temptation to fall. I am so annoyed at myself. I feel like I will go against my own words to fit my desires. My dad constantly asking me. Asking me. Asking me. His tone pushes me further to the edge. My emotion building and finding the edge beautiful. My logic screams that it finds the edge will lead to pain. I know I don't have a rope if I jump. Don't ya hate it when your friends are overly cryptic? Yeah, well, I love it. 05/21/2005, 11:14PM Mood/Music: I got a headache :� -- Electronotopia I had something to say, but I forgot it. Okay, I came up with two new things to say: 1)Call your neighbor and (without explaining who you are) tell them the entirety of your hate for prank phone calls. After you are done ranting, hang up. 2) DANG. Being alone sucks. 05/14/2005, 9:44PM Mood/Music: Eh. Not too bad -- None My mom loves me. :: grabs fresh laundry from mother's hand :: Danke! yeah, I wrote this thing, read it. We are blessed. 05/13/2005, 1:11-2:20AM Mood/Music: Chipper! -- None... except this 80's song that I can't get out of my head: We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance Well they're no friends of mine Anyway, yeah. For some reason, I think I finally got it. My happy music is dance music. I thought it was just dance music from the 90s and some other decades... but when I think about it... I love pretty much all dance music I have come across!!! I mean, when I see movies that are supposed to be placed in the 10th century with their dance music, I love it -- english, celtic, and many others. The more dance music I hear, the more I realize I love it. I thought I hated 70's dance music, which is disco if you didn't know, ... but then I realized... I like even *that* too!!! :: bobs head to funk slap bass and driving beat :: Heck, I even like tribal music. I heard the Worms World Party theme... and it was having music from all these different cultures, and I was like "dude... HEY...HEY...HEY..." to the music when it was on that style. I love it all. Name a genr�. A friend of mine just sent me the link to http://www.jungletrain.net/. I don't know about you, but I like it. But yeah... I love dance music.... So listen gosh-dang-it. It rocks my pants of, almost literally. Okay, not. But you know what I mean... Okay, not. Fine! (update: I am listening to the jungletrain... Men Without Hats is off my mind as of this point) I love my room. Privacy, space, nice atmosphere... too cool. I could live here, I have my couch, computer, bed. I just need to eat and go to the bathroom ... and we have a bathroom downstairs... so. Let's see, do I need to go upstairs ever? No. I have food and a stove/oven down here as well. Wow, I am so going to hermitize myself. No, wait, I wanna have so many of my friends to come over and check it out. Matt, Mellory, this means both you. I can't be a hermit if I have friends. Well, whatever. I have to get off and go to sleep... Got some more updates for the site though, so I can't get off yet. Well, bye for now - ☼ Jonathan Vajda 05/11/2005, 2:58AM Mood/Music: Frustrated? -- none I haven't been updating... for good reason: I've been a little busy! Wednesday, I moved two couches. Thursday, I mowed the lawn. Friday... Something was up. Saturday, I was helping my brother move out of the house. Sunday, I was at a birthday party. Monday, I was moving into my brother's old room. Tuesday, I was continuing moving/cleaning... and I went to look for jobs. Cuz I need one bad. Yeah, pray for me. I gotta go. - Jonathan Vajda 05/03/2005, 12:50AM Mood/Music: Dandy ![]() Well, this is funny. Well, it strikes me as funny. I feel like a pardoned criminal walking among my old jailmates. Walking the halls when the guards and evils cannot touch me. Being out of school rocks... especially when you are walking around in the library. ... I am one sick, messed-up guy. ![]() 05/03/2005, 11:24PM Mood/Music: Dandy/getting tired ![]() I had my last final exams. They went well. I enjoyed my performance, it was fun to get into constume and everything. I'll upload my pictures if I can. They look hilarious to me. My arms got tired because I had to carry the majority of the props from the show over a half mile... they were heavy (it included firewood...). My arm still hurts.... I want some pizza. Read the site's quote of the day. I returned to the roperboard. It has been about a week. The longest I have gone without the board ... in... A LONG TIME. I am bump_in_the_night, by the way. THe board was down, then I resolved to wait to come back until after the final exams were done. w00t. I gotta go if I am to get pizza. Later all ☼ Jonathan Vajda 04/27/2005, 3:11PM Mood/Music: Funderful ![]() I just finished my 3rd final exam. My brain is not ready to explode... but it is definitely pushing mid-to-upper values of maximum P.S.I. and other bad things. I almost went back to the Roperboard, which is not BAD... just, it is a distraction in my most dire hours. My will power is greater than you boarders are :P ...! I just got out of my BCA288 class, which is why I have the song on my mind... It was under one of the questions. Dang it, I didn't bring my headphones on campus. Now I am stuck with this music (no 'k'). All in all, I am doing very well. I don't think I botched my first three exams. I seriously don't. I was most worried about history, but I think I did quite well in it -- which is God's Divine Intervention if anything... because the majority of the things the questions were on were things I knew (not that I studied too in-depth in those though...). Praise God I didn't come close to failing a class this semester! I have two more exams tomorrow. I have today and tomorrow to study for them. And I will, so I am going to get off and study for them ... then totally play some hackysack and hope some other students feel like goofing off like me. Later all- ☼ Jonathan Vajda 05/01/2005, 1:05AM Mood/Music: Dandy/getting tired ![]() I somehow got the ultimate thought log. This isn't missing much. It just states current things that have been on my mind. It started as a conversation with someone, but then I ran with it as he had to go to sleep. I am not going to say 'check it out.' Instead, I will say "click here to read it." It is just time for some variety, that is all. 04/27/2005, 3:11PM Mood/Music: Dandy ![]() I got a hacky-sack. w00t. Check it out. 04/27/2005, 2:17PM Mood/Music: Good -- none I am thinking of doing some interesting things this summer. 1) Buying a hackysack and getting good at it. 2) Parkouring... it looks fun, and I technically do it... I used to when I was a kid... but I didn't put a name on it :D. 3) Have a job? 4) Read some good books, been meaning to do that for a long time. Ya know? I have plenty of time. I think I will head over to the store and buy a hackysack. I'm do that now. I'll be back in a while and tell ya about it. (I might just end up pricing them, so don't get your hopes up...! 04/26/2005, 03:46PM Mood/Music: Flippin hysterical. ![]() This is utterly awesome. Check out this item on amazon. My brother sent me the link to it. It is something I don't expect to be online for very long. Check it out. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00067F1CE/qid=/sr=/ref=cm_lm_asin/102-4722176-4220922?v=glance 04/24/2005 - 03:47PM Mood/Music: Okay, considering. ![]() I have had The Beautiful Letdown (an album by Switchfoot) for a long time now. I decided to start copying at ton of my CDs, so I picked it up and I was like "... hmm, this is that Life Album ... I should write about it." So I did. Click here 04/23/2005, 02:47AM Mood/Music: Tired -- Weighed down, Jars Of Clay I am finding that I should just add the pages, and link to them...they are more fun that way. AND it gives me an added excuse not to go to myspace/xanga/livejournal/etc. Click here to read about my thoughts. A Longing 04/18/2005, 11:47AM Mood/Music: Tired -- none I am tired, now... but last night I was in a different mood. I am just uploading it now. However, this log here is too long for me to put it on this page. Click here to read it. 04/15/2005, 04:16PM Mood/Music: Lonely / Unimpacting -- Vocal Trance Channel on www.di.fm. I haven't actually had a hard life, barely had persecution if any at all. I am only minorly smart and have done nothing with it. If I died, my mind would go with me -- what affect would it have done? People probably wouldn't remember me for my mind. Rather, for my actions. Actions have been something I have failed in somewhat. I am 18. I have had about 1/4 of my life wasting on things I wanted to do, most of which I have nothing to show for (like, I dropped drawing, my computer skills are falling into mediocre at this rate). (and being an annoying, hyper prick for the first 10 years of my life isn't much to "show for") But at the same time, I want to live for God, and do what He says. And I just am feeling the pain of knowing I haven't done as much as I "could've". (I put it in quotes, because I wouldn't have done it any different if I told my earlier self what I am feeling now. I would've done something for a week or two, but then fall back into lazy-forgetfulness.) But overall, my day is fine. Because, as I said, my life is easy-street. No *real* problems. If anything is a problem with my life, it is probably just a minor issue that I exaggerated into something huge because my of my dispreportionate mind and conflicting emotions. Date/Time: 03/30/2005 -- 7:24PM Mood/Music: Sad out of my mind / tears coming down my face -- none. This world needs God. I cried to myself on my bed. Tears ran down my face as I asked "Why? Why??" I had just seen and heard an atrocity on the television. This young child, but 5 years of age, called the police. She was calm, and was confused. She told the dispatcher several things. She said she thinks that there is a bullet on the floor. She said that her daddy had blood coming out of his mouth and that he fell off the bed. When asked about her mommy, she said "I don't know. I -- I think they're dead." The police reported that a guy had been harrassing that family for a while, and they were seeking a restraining order. They were about to take it to court (the next day?) but not since the murderer killed them. The murderer killed himself shortly thereafter. This 5 year old kid (with dog) is an orphan. She didn't even understand. She used the word "dead" and it was like it was any other word. Like if I said my mom was tired. How? How can this happen? How will someone be able to explain to her any of it when she is older? She is FIVE YEARS OLD. Why? Why is this happening to this girl? Why?? She will never understand, she will only accept, if anything. This world needs God. 01/22/2005, 01:07AM Since I haven't posted here in a while, I thought my thoughts were due. It is a bit long... but it needed to be. I have been feeling really emotionally unstable. Or stable if you count being totally off my rocker constantly. Every day I think about girls, if I should pursue them. If they care about me. If there is any interest... mutual or not. I have some many girls on my mind I can't keep my thoughts straight any more. I want to get to know them all better... and I have found little occasion to talk to them. In fact, the one that is most important to me and the one I want to know better... maybe even date and stuph I haven't even seen for over a month. Yet I think about her every day. I feel so lame for doig nothing, or really... the little that I did do was not helping or it made things worse. In that regard I treat myself like scum for not being the best I can be. And that also leads to my thinking that I want to be a better man over all... not just when I am around her. That way I can be naturally showing her the best side of me without thinking about it. Aside from those girls which I have on my mind ( totally over 4.... >_> ) I feel like a complete wuss. I have had tears come to my eyes listening to songs, singing to them, watching movies. Like some girl might. It feels so honest, but so lame. I just saw the movie Road to Perdition... I saw it before...*SPOILER* but tears were coming to my eyes as soon as Tom Hanks (who plays the character, Michael Sullivan) cried in agony as he found his wife and kid dead. I will explain my reason fully for the tears; a man comes home in haste after being confronted by a guy hired to kill him. He then runs home to see if everything is all right... then goes up the stairs to find his wife, the love of his life, and also his flesh and blood, his very own youngest son, shot to death by an man that is heartless and whimsical. But when the cry uttered from his mouth echoed, saline gathered in my lids to be poured out of my dark eyes. Heh, and near the end *again, SPOILER*... I felt similar again. Only I was about to laugh too... so I guess I am really just a sick, twisted wuss. Near the end, Michael Sullivan guns down his boss's body guards... and the guy just stands there. Then he walks up to his boss and his boss says, "I'm glad it was you." Then Michael pulls his tommy gun up and guns his boss down to the ground... totally. It was sad because he was killing the man that was like a father to him, and he was truly pained by it... but I was about to laugh at the sick side of it. He just pulled a gun on a gun at close range and put a few dozen rounds in the guy's chest. And mind you, this is a really old man that cannot do much other than walk, eat, and negotiate. And this guy totally kills him with a huge gun in the middle of the streets not caring that the whole street of townspeople are watching from their windows. Watch that scene and laugh at it. It feels good, doesn't it? The gun was really loud too, so the full effect of the gun was wholly displayed. But on those ends of the spectrums, I find that my emotions have been going wild... I can't keep anything straight. My school is all that makes sense and...well... the sylabus is totally whack on so many of the classes... I find even that to be confusing. But in general... I find that my mind is totally not keeping to a good, steady goal for what I want to do. Not that I don't want to do what I want to do... it is just that I don't know what I want to do. 07/10/2004: (12:44AM) As I stare at my old 1.5GB (circa 1996) hard drive full of important data, I notice the slogan: "Only accept the finest...-Caviar." What irony and sadness...there is a plethora of data that needs to be harvested. And I cannot touch a byte. The HD won't power up, it has officially been declared dead....I think I want to cry. :: argh :: The stupid dog is barking. so loud, nonsensical...and she won't stop. IT IS ALMOST 1:00AM! 07/07/2004: (12:34AM) Well, I fixed Ian's computer...minus his CDROM still doesn't work. I fixed a multitude of problems with Matt's computer. I installed everything it needs; an operation system and, yes, Starcraft - Broodwar. A major problem on his computer is that it won't recognize the mouse...making starcraft utterly useless. That's his problem now...I'm giving it back to him when he gets back from Kansas. 07/05/2004: (07:31PM) I like the pace of the development, although I probably should've built the whole site before I started uploading. This weekend was nice and relaxing, a lot of fun, minus summerfest(that was just dumb). Ian called me, the more problems he tells me his computer has the more I want to fix it. : / Bad policy. He said that he will drop it off at my house tomorrow. (pause with only minor enthusiasm) ........yippee. Oh yeah, and Matt, if you are reading this, I will try to fix your computer as soon as I am tired of messing with my site for the night. Cameron, your checking out of my site pointed out a problem with the links. Thanx. 07/03/2004: (10:26PM) Well, I am bored, my friends kinda ditched me and went to completely different places for a while(Matt to Kansas with his family, Cameron to the U.P. with his sister, Elle). Which reminds me, I have Matt's gecko and his sister's hamster. They aren't bad, but my sister, Kate, keeps coming in saying, "Oh, how cute! Jon, look at...(this or that)!" And the hamster is making a mess of wood chips on the floor for me to clean up : þ 06/03/2004: I just graduated today. I am homeschooled, so I finished before all the public schools(I think). Today, I got a lot of nothing done other than school. Seriously, my Linux1 box is so fricken messed up... I think I have installed Morphix LiteGUI about 8 times. (Note, I messed it up, the makers of Morphix ROCK, so no hatin' on 'em) |
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