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~ Life Log ~ (journal/rants/stupidity/blog?)
------------------------------------------------------
04/15/2005, 04:16PM
Mood/Music: Tired / Unresolved -- Beatles' love songs.
I have this strong feeling that my dad thinks that I am still 7 years old. Like that I still can't think for myself, I am unreasonable, I need him to survive one day, etc. I feel like that would need to murder someone and be tried in court as an adult just to prove that I was an adult. I am fricken 18. I am taller than him for gosh sakes. And in many instances, I feel smater than him, but I know I am not -- experience cannot be taken out of count.
Minds go through certain development stages... two main things is the fluid thinking of the brain, which is later crystalized when you get older. I can, by sheer age difference and ability, be more abstract in my thought and come up with new thinking -- change the way I think especially. The older you get (after 40 years of age it is more drastic) one tends to be more firm in only one thinking -- solid like a crystal.
I feel that my mind is willing and does adapt to new environments, not only fast, but easily. My dad might have had me a little too late, I guess. He still acts as if I don't know what the sun is made of.... or why black and white films are not in colour. Or where babies come from.
Sorry, dad, I've grown up. I'm sorry that you have to deal with the fact that you are not my superman anymore. I'm sorry that you aren't my only teacher. I'm sorry that you don't even know me -- and that you don't care to understand.
If there were anything I could ask of people, it is "why?" ... because it answers all. Instead of telling me the obvious, tell me the why or the how, not the "it exists" or "like this"... Instead of being told "don't turn" ... I want to be told "there is a car coming" ... or "there is oncoming traffic, don't turn"... something that explains so I don't have to be frantic looking everywhere for the why. I can make my own decisions. Tell me the situation and I will make the best possible decision in my ability. Give me credit. Instead of telling me "get up"... tell me "we are leaving"... it is simple.
When someone denies me the "why", I get frustrated and confused. I am forced to make actions assuming things based on unfounded guesses. I can't operate like that, at all. Never tell me what to do, that is counterproductive. Tell me what is going on, that tells me everything. "Why?" might you ask. Because if I know the "why", I know what to do. If I know what to do and the "why", I know all. But if I am given one but cannot have the other, only one foot is out the door -- and one is still inside waiting.
Side note: Do NOT (ever) _tell_ me what to do. _Ask_ me to do it. Or, if you have a problem with something that I am doing, talk to me about it! If my bouncing a ball with a paddle annoys you, say so. If Sonic the Hedgehog is passing my time by while I am bored and longing for some meaningful discussion, and you are somehow thinking that I should get off... tell me, don't just turn it off/get someone else to turn it off. I have a mind. I can make choices. I actually TRY to understand you. How about you TRY and be reasonable with YOUR dealings too? (End side note)
My dad has been denying me the "why" for my whole life. His only way he could give the "why" was in a way that I would never want it -- 2 hour explaination OR not the answer I asked for/I didn't ask for it. I just want to know one thing, I asked "why". If I want to know further, I'll ask further. And, again, give me some credit. I already know (after the first time I was told) how to screw in a lightbulb... Righty-tighty, lefty-loosy. Especially give me credit if you can see me already having the bulb half-screwed in already! I already know!
I think a major thing here being the problem is that we don't respect each other. He doesn't respect me at all. In fact, some times he would treat the dog better personally. Not in stature, only because I am human, I must be seated at the table... Jon, eating on the floor? No way. That is not his style; that is his threat, but not his action (don't get me started on his threats!).
If I respected him as he wanted (supreme ruler of the universe, minus the whole "The Dad, HE is God" crap...) I would be seen as someone a bit older than 7. Perhaps 12, just because I am old enough to respect him, but not smart enough to think for my self and realize that this is all worshiping dad stuph is a bunch of bullcrap.
And I don't respect him because he doesn't understand me, nor tries. Nor does he care that he doesn't understand/respect/try. He says he loves me, and that he gave me the roof over my head. The food on the table. My very life. Well, he says anyway. But where is God in this whole thing? Non-existant. We forget Him when we bicker. He forgets Him when he claims that he gave me everything. He forgets Him when he says that he is right. I forget Him when my heart is wicked and wants to shout obscenities and find a kitchen knife to wave around while talking to him (mind you, not for my own bodily harm).
If only dad understood this. (cursor blinks perpetually, The End)
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