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a title? fine. "Anthony is a total dork-wad"
that's it, otherwise you can't use it.
(I asked for a title, that is what he gave me.)
This page was taken from Anthony's xanga site.
http://www.xanga.com/IcarusLotFF
E-mail not disclosed at this time.
This laundromat in which I sit at this very time is so very silent... I can hear the thermostat of the coke machine 20 feet away kicking in, even with these dryers turning about by my ear…
Life’s been as monotonous as this moment & I feel or rather interpret this to be the calm before the metaphoric storm, if you will.
I was meant to ride around the country with my brother sometime after the 22nd, but I fear that it’s to remain a dream for this year at least. I regret this, for I am certain that the knowledge that I could have gained on this venture would have been astounding in comparison to what (little) I know now of this capitalistic/imperialistic world.
You see, my brother, in his seemingly humble nature (if you accuse him of being such), is one of the most brilliant of observers of politics today. I am sure that if he simply bothered to attempt to share his views (other than with me, for I sadly have little interest in anything dealing with politics, but should I go with him, oh indeed, I would listen) he could become someone of great fame.
Allegedly, he is to run for presidency sometime in the future… something that a guy we know from Bloomington (for Vice-) has suggested… many times. Andy is only 23 years of age& thus hardly qualified to run at this time, but what he knows could carry him far. One thing that I would require of him before I vote, however, is that he, before considering what any other country “needs” us to do for them, first act to help those in need within our own borders, for we have enough homeless & hungry to feed, Ethiopia not withstanding.
Ah… this brings to mind something my father said to me today. The family was trying to get me to eat with them (not that I wasn’t going to eat, but that they had squash & I was wary). He saw my reluctance & after my mom told me to have a seat, he added, “There are hungry children all over the world. Eat.” For he wanted me not to waste the food – very noble & yet, in my own *cough* opinion, a bit confused.
I looked at him, somewhat incredulous that he would say that & I stepped back from the chair into which I was lowering myself & said, “Dad, are you really thinking about the hungry kids? Why wouldn’t you have given the squash to them before taking it home?”
He replied, “They would have spoiled before they got there.”
“Well, you could have given them to a food bank.”
As my memory serves me, I did not wish to argue & the conversation ended there. I ate the food, garnished with a bit of Cajun Spice & finished it all…
Now, I must admit, my family is by no means wealthy, however, we are also by no means impoverished. I cannot think of a time when I have had to go to bed hungry, unless of course, it was by my own doing. Yet, I wonder now if this has been a mistake.
Surely, the money I spend to feed myself & my cravings (caffeine mainly) could have been better spent elsewhere.
Ah, even as writing this, I am sipping a coke & yet, to toss it aside would be even more wasteful… I who claims to enjoy giving so much to others still spend more on myself & take gifts from others far more frequently than I give. Oh, what blatant hypocritical irony! And I dared to lecture my father on this topic which I know nothing about! In future – for everything I earn, I shall give at least ten percent to the needy, for I can so easily survive on ninety percent of my income. I do not need to appease my yearnings to spend all my money on myself. In fact, I could just as easily survive on bread & water, for how is it truly necessary to eat luxurious foods?
And now, the topic of veganism comes to mind. There are several vegans whom I respect & admire (yes, you Aryan) & yet, I do not bother to join in on this diet… why is this? Do I consider myself in any way better? Surely not!
Mayhaps it is that I do not want that questioning glance when I turn down meat or animal by-products. Mayhaps it is because I know that these leather shoes on my feet are an even greater sign of my double-standard hypocrisy than I could have ever imagined them to be.
If I became vegan, I would have to give away these very comfortable shoes and…
…
Oh, Anthony! That right there is the clincher! That is the smoking gun! Comfort?! Did you really just say that?! What need you of comfort? Need & comfort are not only on a different spectrum, but they blatantly contradict each other. Or rather, comfort causes need. For comfort, one must lavish & if one lavishes upon ones self, then another must suffer. Thus, by my purchasing these shoes (& this coke) a child somewhere, or an old man or woman or whomever, is starving because I chose to buy these sixty dollar leather pair of shoes in order to look suave or to feel “comfortable...”
…
Mayhaps my seeking out contentment has been the wrong path for me.
…
Paul, you may be right… to be honest, quite often, you are proven right & I the fool. Remember the Baptists? You, my friend, told me not to seek out conflict, for it is not worthwhile. You, my friend, were the wise one, no matter how much I realized from this experience to what extent of selfishness my nature had become.
Happiness is not to be found in money & contentment is not to be found in happiness. Can I say that the impoverished child starving to death out there is content? Boy…
And, oh please, consider me a fool for envying that child or the one who decided who knows how long ago to eat out of dumpsters & trash cans & of the table scraps left by his friends & strangers at restaurants…. I want to be thought of as a fool. I’ve enough of being complimented.
Yeah, I’m smart. Yeah, I’m kind, surely. Yeah… but so what? What good does it? Is not ignorance that which is considered the state of bliss? Is it not the lowest of servants the one most needed, albeit neglected he may be? If I lower myself to that lowest of states, completely humbled & looked down upon, how honestly could I fail, save to once again become as I am now?
Oh, how hard it is to motivate ones self to fail. It’s sickening the reluctance & hesitation I still have no matter what I say or do. I’m still arrogance incarnate.
Yes, I know the costs – Hunger & discomfort. But what right? What honest right have I to say, “Better he suffer than I”?
I look at the starved, sickly child lying there in the gutters of the streets of my imagination, the child who exists in the conglomeration of all the needy & hungry & hurting in the world & I reach into his cup & take that one scrap of bread he needs to fill his atrophied stomach.
And there is nothing in his power to stop me. Am I not the cruelest of all? Kind? Pshaw! P-S-H-A-W! What selfishness! What audacity! I could vow to work with all my might to nurse that child back to health, but…
…
I love how I cannot think of any buts…
…
When I was younger, I wanted only to feed myself to keep up my strength, in order that I may be able to continue to provide comfort for all others. And now, I only want to feed myself.
There is no Christ in me, else, I would not boast in my manners nor in what I have or know. I may do or say many things, but without love, it is only empty cymbals crashing about just as if I wrote a beautiful poem, but without inspiration, it would only be empty words…
So what now? Do I take all clothes except what I only need to get by & give them away & swear off food unless I find myself at the point of starvation or, at least, on meal a day (& still a luxury in comparison!)? Why not? Eh? Why not?
Anthony, you have been questioning your calling, your destiny, your future. Here is an idea, at least something to consider – feed that child & give him at least one night where he is not shivering with cold & hunger & nakedness.
When you feel pity – act upon it. If there is an opportunity – seize it. You wanted to be a servant – serve. Your words are nothing & I wish to make this clear – Nothing without actions to back them up. Do not criticize or protest or anything of that sort unless you truly are able to give without thought, for your plank is large, boy, far too large for you to even begin to comment on your brothers’ speck.
So what now? I think the answer is obvious. Now shall begin my greatest adventure & challenge of a lifetime – Saving the world.
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