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(or, “A rant as to why I don’t have a girlfriend, even though I should by now”)
If I had to describe what I learned in Dec. 2004 it would be that I need some change, and that change would be, me, acting more on the little things. The things that scared me. The things that made me worry. What I wanted to know, but didn’t.
And further, in December of 2004, the exact equation occurred to me. Passiveness is what I have too much of, and I need to act on things more. Too many times in my life I had just sat and watched something happen. Too many times I didn’t take risks when the benefits were far greater than the penalties could be.
Overall, it was highly important for me to note that it is KEY to DO SOMETHING rather than worry. Worrying is BAD. Asserting yourself into things and making situations better makes progress come faster. Worrying does nothing. Doing something, ANYTHING, is better than letting it run its course into the ground. That is, unless you have prayed to God to give you wisdom, and He lays it on your heart to leave it alone.
But what I did, further, was that I didn’t go to God in many circumstances, I just let them go. I would let them take their course, whichever it was to be. This should never be. And what I have come up with is that I need to balance the “big four” better. The big four include these behaviours: assertiveness, aggression, chivalry, and passiveness. There are positives and negatives to each behaviour. The positive behaviour is good, the negative is bad - simply put. Enjoy my nice literary splurge.
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Positive to aggressive behaviour: Assertiveness
In my nature, and by my faith, I have always acted on things when something was going wrong. A scenario that would fit this (but didn’t happen, thankfully) would be that if I saw someone robbing or raping someone, I would stop it dead in its tracks. These are wrong, so I would end them as soon as I could. I have always operated like that, it is my way of thinking. More realistically, if I see someone is lying/tricking someone I generally tend to want to stop it. For example, cheating is wrong in my book (in arguments, games, etc.).
I would like to quote DSoH (an alias, Deadly Shop of Horrors, from the Roper message board) on assertiveness:
"Inately passive guys gain nothing, inately ag[g]ressive guys lose everything, and assertive guys lose nothing and win everything ... "
"The passive guy loses because he doesn't fight for what he wants ... The ag[g]ressive guy loses because he loses what he gains fairly quickly ... And the assertive guy wins because he knows how to control his active/passive polarities and doesn't put up with crap in a way that benefits everyone, including everyone else around him."
Well, when I originally started looking for what he was talking about on assertivenss, I thought he said, like... 2-3 times more than what I just pasted. So... um... Oops? I might be able to find more if I look for more, but you get the idea.
(quote pasted from the Roper message board, under Intellectual... Dating Thread:
http://www.roperisdumb.com/roperboard/viewtopic.php?
t=5684&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=18 )
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Negative to aggressive behaviour: Aggression
Aggressive behaviour spawns a large number of different kinds of tension and other bad things. I’m going to take the easiest route, and give a link or two.
http://www.safeyouth.org/scripts/teens/aggression.asp
If that link doesn’t work, you can use the PDF format of it available on my site for the low price of FREE: (You will need Acrobat Reader or similar to open this program. Please go to Adobe.com to get the demo or something. Linux users use xpdf.)
http://www.geocities.com/my_2cents_2004/misc_storage/textage/aggression.pdf
If this wasn’t enough... I can go further, and will. I generally hate aggressive rhetoric and subtle situational control. Like someone thinking he is better than someone else (and makes it known through his actions) and acting like it. Like condescending tone because of strength or intellect.
Another negative to assertive behaviour is that one tends to have a goal of having it his/her own way, not thinking of others. This can be seen in cheating, forcing conversations to one topic (that he or she is interested in) despite others not wanting to dwell on it, playing games that intend harm or a clear advantage, etc.
I’m not an expert on girls or psychology to say the least. But I do know that even though some girls tend to like the assertive type, it is generally unhealthy when the assertive male is doing only what he wants, makes the relationship what he wants to make it, etc. This is more common than one thinks.
This also gets back to DSoH's view, and you can take it how you will.
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Positive to passive behaviour: Chivalry
Not that being passive is always wrong. By far, it isn’t. Chivalry is based on lowering yourself for someone else’s benefit (generally for men to lower themselves for women). Such as holding doors open for people, letting others go ahead of you in a line, or pouring someone’s glass before your own. And this would be done not because you are lower than the person, but rather that you are showing humility, love, and respect. I adhere to this, especially for when I am with women. Not that I want to show off, but rather that I want to show them the respect they should have. Not that they are better, but instead because they are more fragile than men, and they require more care and love. (Feminists, please report to the bottom of the page for immediate replies!)
As well, the Bible states many times that we are to be humble people, full of humility and love. Examples include (all in NIV):
Phillipians 2:3-4
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
1 Peter 5:5
Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” [ Prov. 3:34]
Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
I have been taught all of my life to be selfless for other people’s benefit. To be a servant, a man that is not out for himself. While I have not always held to it, I have had the mind set instilled in my being. Chivalry is Biblical, and I think that too many men have lost this quality. In fact, someone (a girl, I bet) made a movie about it. I forget what it is called. I think it is called Chivalry. But yeah, it is about a guy from the past or something and he still have his chivalrous attributes, and he really stands out. And the girl in it is all like, “no guy does these things anymore” or something... I didn’t pay too much attention, probably because I didn’t know I was going to be writing about it someday.
Also, I am pretty darn sure that women (other than some feminists) like men lowering themselves for the explicit purpose of edification and respect for the opposite sex. If I am still not mistaken, they like their doors opened for them, to be seated by the men, to be in line first, etc. If they don’t, go ahead and heckle me... but nothing good will come of it; because I will still continue doing it until some feminist (a recurring scapegoat) breaks my nose with the door handle.
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Negative to passive behaviour: Passiveness
Interestingly, when I was younger (ages 1-14) I didn’t really act on anything else but the things that were evil. I didn’t go out of my way to do things unless it was to end evil. This was a bad habit as it made me susceptible to letting others do whatever they wanted to me. Which included getting beat up and stuph. Even when the person beating me up was just “horsing around.” It didn’t matter if they did or not; what did matter was that I let them do it to me out of my passive weakness. It let them have a large foothold over whatever they wanted to do. My neighbor made me do things that I regret and find so repulsive that I am surprised my brother didn’t stop him; surprised that he let him get his way even half the times.
I am 18 years old and I still haven’t been on a date with a girl yet. Ever. (Nor a guy, but that was a given considering my stance on homosexuality) What had prevented me from being in a relationship (or even being on a date)? I don’t have a car, or even a license. I don’t have a job (dates generally cost a large bit of money). And the kicker, gall* to ask a girl out. While all of these can be fixed with a little effort, not having the lionhearted mind set of being confident and assertive thought-pattern is a bigger problem. The problem goes all the way down to every behaviour and mental process... and needing to alter them. This is extremely hard to change.
I know other people that are passive. You can tell it is not what they want, but they are too weak (yes, weak) to do anything about it. I know from experience that this is a weakness. A weakness of character and personality, not muscle tone.
The Lord calls for us not to be passive. It calls for humility, but that is not the same as being passive. It calls for many of us to be peacemakers, but it, also, is not the same as being passive. The difference is that passiveness allows things to slide. (Depending on the person) Anything, really. This could be not playing a game that you want to play, for some reason - pride, not wanted to stand out, etc. This could be not asking a girl out - but just because there is a chance you will be turned down, is it that enough to get rid of the whole idea? This could be someone lying to a friend, and letting it go because you don’t think it is *that* bad of a sin this time around.
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Die Ende:
After a while, those who are passive will need to realize what I have, and do something about whatever they encounter. I am not perfect, by far I am not. I have not mastered it, but I do know that we need to be more assertive. Not too aggressive, but we need to balance these factors and everything. It is not easy, it is a mind set change itself. Good luck.
I shall end this with an entry on a site I found, giving advice; ultimately, to be assertive:
Subject: Ugh. Yeah, should I ask her out?
Date: 2005-01-03 22:59:35
Sender Information:
Passiveness_is_deadly, Male, age 18
Question:
Fairest Ask-a-laday,
I know her a *little* bit from class last semester... she is a christian, I am a christian... I'm attracted to her... She might dislike me... I don't know... She might have a boyfriend, she might turn me down... I don't know. I don't have much money, nor a car... nor a job. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about her every day for the last 2 months... Should I ask her out next time I see her? (or should I wait until a later time? Or just screw the whole idea)
P.S. I am sorry about your title... but... I am the kind of guy that doesn't think the term Chick does any woman justice.
---
Response:
Ask her out. What do you have to lose?
"Chick" here is used rather tongue-in-cheek, so we don't take offense to it. But thanks for the chivalry.
- chickita
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Last modified: 01/05/2005 05:20PM
-=¤ Jonathan Vajda ¤=-
This was inspired by Miss Classmate (I’m not going to reveal name), Katherine Cunningham, DSoH (alias), Melissa Miller, Ralph Matthew Prewett III, and Jonathan Wood. (Alphabetical order, not by influence, appreciation, nor favoritism)
* Gall; noun. Similar words: Boldness, guts, balls, audacity, bravery, courage, spunk, valiance, brashness, gumption, undaunted spirit.
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