P
packet n. The contents of the kecks (qv) visible
in relief upon the trouser leg. Male equivalent of the camel’s foot (qv).
paddle the pink canoe v. More relaxed version of whitewater
wristing (qv) for girls. Weekend recreational pursuit of the gusset
typist (qv).
painters See have the painters in.
painting the ceiling v. Hitch hiking with the big top removed;
the one handed snake charming of the pant python.
paisley removal n. Pointing Percy (qv) directly at an area
of pebble dashing (qv) in order to amuse oneself during a Chinese
singing lesson (qv). See also piss polo.
palace gates n. Fanny lips; beef curtains (qv).
Palmela and her five sisters See Madam Palm.
Palmela Handerson n. Your dream date to go out for a cruise in the
wanking chariot (qv).
pander v. To act as a go-between in an act of sexual intrigue. For
example, to go and buy a hamster and some parcel tape for that odd couple in the
flat below. n. panderer.
pantie hamster n. Minge.
pan handle n. Erect penis; wood; stalk; a bonk on.
pant hamster n. Natural prey of the one-eyed trouser snake.
pant moustache n. Effect achieved when the mapatasi (qv)
extends symmetrically beyond either side of the shreddies (qv).
See also spider’s legs.
pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish;
shit; pig’s arse; bollocks. As in: “You’re talking pants!”.
papper v. To shit. As in “Oh no, I think I just pappered me trollies
(qv)”.
paps n. Olde Worlde Tits.
parallel parked adj. In bed together; having sex. e.g. “Were you
parallel parked with her last night?” “Not half! I was up to the bumper
(qv) mate”.
parfume de plop n. Acrid odour which accompanies a twin tone
(qv) and heralds the arrival in the bomb bay (qv) of a Peter
O’Toole.
park the custard v. To vomit.
park the fudge v. To shit; pass a stool; crimp off a length.
park the pink bus v. To slip a lady a length (qv).
As in “Time for bed. Come on, let’s park the pink bus in the furry
garage”.
park the tiger v. To puke; yodel; let out a techinicolour yawn.
parlour n. Back passage. As in “His pork prescription was most
efficacious, taken in the parlour of course”.
park your breakfast v. Light a bum cigar; lay a cable.
particulars n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police
officers, ladies underwear; knickers. As in “Hex-scuse me med’m, but
I h-may need to take down a few particulars”. (Fnarr fnarr!
(qv))
passion flaps n. A more romantic alternative to piss flaps.
passion pit n. Bed. See also fart sack, scratcher, wanking
chariot.
passion wagon n. Clapped out van, usually a Ford Transit, with
blacked out windows and a piss stained mattress and several empty beer cans in
the back. Also shag wagon.
pavement pizza n. The contents of your stomach as they appear
after barfing (qv) in the street; a parked tiger.
pearl necklace n. Those globular consequences of having a sausage
sandwich (qv) at the Billy Mill roundabout (qv). As in “I
gave her a beautiful pearl necklace”.
pebble dash v. To crop spray (qv) the toilet bowl
with clarts (qv).
pecker 1. US n. Penis. 2. UK n. Nose.
pee See piss.
peel v. 1. To strip; pose nude. 2. When so doing, to draw back
the beef curtains (qv). As in “Crikey, have you seen Fiesta? I never
knew Joanne Guest was a peeler”.
peeling the carrot v. Spanking the monkey.
penis n. The Right Honourable Member for Underpants.
Percy 1. UK n. Penis. As in: “I’m just off to point Percy at
the porcelain”. 2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam locomotive created by
the Rev. W. Awdry.
period drama n. Moody and erratic behaviour of women at times of
menstruation.
perseverance soup n. orig. Japan The tiny tears from the hog’s
eye (qv) which precede ejaculation; clear secretion which lubricates the
glans; that which comes out of the kitchen before the main course. See also
dew on the lily.
personalities n. Breasts. As in “My, you’ve got a lovely pair
of personalities”. (Fnarr fnarr (qv)). See also balkans, charms.
phantom farter n. An anonymous benefactor (qv).
piddle See pee.
pie See hairy pie, Captain’s pie.
pillicock n. Archaic word for penis.
pillock n. Tame, TV sitcom-friendly insult. Possible derivation of
pillicock.
pillow biter n. One who bites their pillow, often in a moment of
uphill horticultural delight. Also mattress muncher.
pills n. Pods; knackers.
pilot of the chocolate runway See navigator of the Wind-ward passage.
pinch a loaf See curl one off.
pineapple (chunk) rhym. slang Spunk.
pink, the n. Female genitals. See also pot pink, pot
brown, easy pink, snookered behind the red.
pink cigar n. Penis. As in “Tell me Madame, do you per chance
smoke the pink cigar?” Not to be confused with bum cigar (qv).
pink Darth Vader n. Knob. From the Star Wars character with a bell
end (qv) helmet. From the same film shake hands with the Wookie,
Hand Solo.
pink oboe n. Penis. As in: “I have a great passion for
music. Tell me, do you play the pink oboe?”
pink pillows n. Ladies love cushions; bosoms.
pink steel n. Even harder than wood (qv).
pink ticket n. Imaginary vadge (qv) visa issued to a
husband when he spends the night apart from his wife. As in “Eureka! I’ve
got my pink ticket for the conference on Tuesday”.
pink velvet sausage wallet n. Vagina; muff.
pintle n. Olde Worlde Penis.
pipe cleaner See chimney sweep.
pipe smoker 1. US n. Botter (qv). 2. A person who
smokes a pipe.
pirate of men’s pants n. Swashbuckling term for your jolly
Rogerer; cock; penis.
piss See pee.
piss flaps 1. n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation
of disappointment. As in “Oh piss-flaps! I never win the Lottery!”
pissing in the wind v. Wasting your time; attempting the
impossible.
piss it v. To do something piss simple, piss easily.
piss it up the wall v. To waste money on drink.
piss on your chips v. To put yourself at a long-term disadvantage
through a foolhardy short-term action. As in “Beckham really pissed on his
chips when he kicked that Argie”.
piss polo n. Game whereby disinfectant tablets are pointlessly
manoeuvred in a urinal trough by the participant’s piss streams. For more
lavatorial amusement see paisley removal.
piss pot n. 1. Lavatory bowl. 2. Idiot; fool.
piss rusty water v. To pass liquid diarrhoea.
piss up n. An ale soiree; social gathering of boozing companions.
pitch a tent v. To get wood (qv) either beneath the
bed linen, or conspicuously in your trousers.
pit prop n. Strategic structural member found in a passion pit
(qv); tent pole; dawn horn.
placket n. Archaic Cunt.
plate v. Rub-a-tug shop (qv) parlance for performing
horatio; giving head.
playing the bone-a-phone v. Wanking; pulling yourself a hand
shandy; playing the one string banjo.
play the back nine v. Irish (qv) golf; use your wood
to play into the bunker; get the dog in the bathtub.
play the pink oboe v. To perform oral sex on a man. Often to denote
homosexuality, as in “I didn’t know Michael Barrymore played the pink
oboe”. Also pink piccolo.
play the whale v. To spew.
pleasure v. Tabloidese To suck or wank off. A sex act
(qv) in the approving sense.
plinth v. Of males on the job (qv), to manoeuvre yourself
into a comfortable position for penetration.
plonker n. 1. Penis. 2. Crap put down line from Britain’s most
tedious TV sitcom.
plums n. Knackers; balls; testicles. See melons.
plumber’s toolbag n. Furry bicycle stand (qv); mott.
plunker n. US Johnny; a jump (qv) suit for a plonker
(qv).
Plymouth Argyles rhym. slang Piles.
poe slap n. Rubbing of the bald genie’s lamp; awakening of
the bacon; a wank.
poblycwm n. Welsh Literally ‘People who like quim
(qv)’.
pocket billiards n. A game for one player, two balls, and a cock.
pocket fisherman n. He who plays with his tackle through his
trouser pockets.
pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement.
pocket pinball See pocket billiards.
pocket rocket See porridge gun.
poe n. Vagina.
poe slap n. Sanitary towel.
pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure.
pogie n. US Where American plonkers (qv) go dressed in
their plunkers (qv).
point Percy at the porce-lain v. Train Terrence at the terracotta.
See Percy.
poke v. What plonkers (qv) do to pogies (qv).
pole vault n. Vagina; stench trench; strong room where the spam
sceptre (qv) can be safely housed.
polish the lighthouse v. To masturbate in the bath.
polony party n. A social gathering of two or more consenting
adults where games include hide the sausage, park the salami and split
the kipper.
pompom n. Jamaica Vagina.
ponce n. 1. Pimp. 2. Brian Sewell sound alike.
pong n. The smell of a poot (qv).
pony rhym. slang Pony and trap - crap.
poo 1. (poooooo!!) exclam. A word spoken with fingers on
nostrils to describe an unpleasant odour. 2. n. Shit.
poof See poofter.
poofter See poove.
poon n. Fanny; crumpet; toosh. “I guess this means my poon
days are over” (John F. Kennedy after his inauguration in Jan. 1961).
“Knickers off, this is poon city!” (Bill Clinton after his inauguration
in Jan. 1993).
poo packer See marmite driller.
poop catchers n. Knickers; cack catchers.
poop chute n. Bumhole; arse.
poo pipe pirate n. Jolly rogerer; pirate of men’s pants (qv).
poot v. To sound one’s botty bugle, often after eating musical
vegetables (qv).
pooter n. The bum bellows with which you poot (qv); the
poot flute.
poot flute n. Trouser trumpet; singing ring; botty bugle; bumhole.
poove See puff.
popazogalou n. Blow job. From the name of the rub-a-tug shop
(qv) landlord in the film Personal Services who accepted payment in
kind.
pop your cherry v. Lose your virginity; break your duck.
poppycock n. Nonsense. orig. From Dutch pappekak
meaning ‘soft shit’.
pop shot n. Scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is
required to splash his population paste (qv) on camera, after
being suitably prepared by the fluffer (qv). See also
margold.
population paste n. Joy gloy; semen; spunk; Aphrodite’s evostick.
pork v. To shag. As in “I couldn’t pork her because she had
the painters in”.
pork prescription n. 1. Cock, to be swallowed twice a day
before meals. 2. Doctor’s authorisation for a meat injection (qv).
pork sword n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc.
porridge gun n. Tool for distributing population paste (qv)
quickly and efficiently.
portion n. A large but non-specific quantity of sex. As in:
“I’d give her a portion, and no mistake”. See also one, length.
posh wank n. A mess free masturbatory manoeuvre undertaken whilst
wearing an English overcoat (qv).
pot brown v. Bury the bone on (qv) in kak canyon (qv).
pot pink v. Moor the skin boat (qv) in cod cove (qv).
See also snookered behind the red, difficult brown etc.
potty-mouth n. US Someone who repeats words from this book in
conversation.
pouch n. An ageing, saggy mott (qv) that hangs like
a sporran.
pound the pork v. Of pinksmiths, to pummel a hot pork sword
(qv) into shape. Also pound the pudding.
pox n. Venereal disease, specifically syphilis.
pranny n. Fool; arsehole. A form of insult popular amongst The
Troggs during the 1960s. Also prannet.
pratt n. Pranny; fuckwit; arsehole.
pre-cum n. Substance often referred to in the letters pages of
jazz magazines but rarely mentioned elsewhere. See perseverance soup; dew on
the lily.
premature pinch n. The snipping off of an unsmoked bum cigar
(qv) as when disturbed in the act, by an important telephone call for
example.
prick 1. n. A penis. 2. n. A twat; fuckwit;
fool. 3. n. A life threatening finger injury often suffered by fairy tale
princesses.
prick tease See cock tease.
privates n. Inoffensive uni-sex term for genitalia invented by the
Women’s Institute in 1904. At the opposite end of the rudeness scale to fuckstick,
bollocks and cunt.
psychedelic yodelling n. Vocal projection of your biscuits (qv)
out your mouth.
pud n. Penis. That which was always pulled by Ivor Biggun, of
‘Wanking Song’ pop fame (aka Doc Cox of That’s Life rude vegetable
fame).
pudendum n. Latin word for genitals, meaning literally ‘meat pie
and two potatoes’.
pud-whapper n. US Wanker; obnoxious person.
puff 1. v. To exhale cigarette smoke. 2. p.n. Magic dragon
that lived by the sea.
pugwash n. Aus. Cleaning of the teeth with tapioca toothpaste
(qv)
puke v. To throw up.
pull 1. v. To tap; pick up members of the opposite sex. As in “I
went out on the pull last night”. 2. v. To wank. As in “Nowt pulled,
so I went home, watched the free Fantasy Channel preview and had a pull.”
pull a pint on the piss pump v. To crank out the hand shandy
(qv).
pull a train v. To take turns at stirring the porridge (qv);
jelly roll; gang bang.
pulling power n. Polite term for fanny magnetism.
pull off 1. v. To drag a drunken friend away from a fight, usually
whilst shouting “It’s not worth it” or “Leave it, he’s had enough”.
2. v. To masturbate. As in “Fucking hell! She went skiing (qv)
and pulled us both off at once”.
pull the turkey’s neck See throttle the turkey.
pull your pud v. Wank. See pud.
puma acronym Pants up my arse. See hungry arse.
pump v. To fart; poot; pass wind; shoot bunnies; drop a rose
petal.
pump action mottgun n. Advanced rapid fire development of the mutton
musket (qv).
puppies n. affectionate Tits; boobs; breasts.
puppies’ noses n. Nipples.
purple headed yoghurt warrior See purple headed womb broom.
purple headed womb broom See purple headed yoghurt warrior.
purple helmet 1. n. Pink Darth Vader’s headgear; bobbies
helmet; German helmet; Roman helmet; bell end. 2. Any member of the Rover
Aerobatic display team.
purple pearler n. Extendible icing tool for decorating pink
blancmanges.
push gas v. To poot (qv).
pussy n. Of woeful British TV sitcoms set in quiet, overstaffed
department stores, a much stroked pet cat frequently referred to by Mrs Slocombe.
pussy pelmet n. Short mini skirt.
putting from the rough v. Golfing equivalent of bowling from
the Pavilion end (qv).
putz n. Yiddish Prick.
pygmies’ cocks sim. Erect nipples. As in “She had nipples like
pygmy’s cocks”.
pyroflatulate v. To light one’s farts. See also afterburner;
blue streak.
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