H
haddock pastie See hairy cheque book.
hag n. Ugly woman; boiler; boot; steg; swamp donkey.
hairy beanbags n. Pink 70s style seating provided within the
underpants for the exclusive use of the bald man, Spurt Reynolds (qv),
Kojak, Captain Picard etc.
hairy cheque book See hairy cup.
hairy cup See hairy donut.
hairy donut See hairy lasso.
hairy goblet n. Ceremonial love chalice as referred to in the
popular chat-up line “Let me lead you to the altar of desire, and there I
shall drink the juice of love from your hairy goblet”. Works every time.
hairy mits rhym. slang Tits. e.g. “Look at the hairy mits on
that! I could do her through a hedge backwards (qv)”.
hairy lasso See hairy pants.
hairy pants See hairy pie.
hairy pie n. Kipper; velcro triangle.
hairy saddlebags n. Scrots, usually, but also pissflaps.
hairy toffee n. Dangleberries (qv); Kling-ons.
half leapfrog v. To have sex in the doggies (qv) position.
half rice half chips adj. Switch hitter (qv); one who
drinks from both taps; bowls from both ends; AC/DC.
hamburger n. Of the female anatomy, that which can be seen in
a hamburger shot (qv).
hamburger shot n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine from
which the curtain drop (qv) can be estimated.
ham fisted adj. Wanking. As in “His mum came in and caught him
ham fisted”.
ham howitzer n. A military field weapon descended from the lamb
canon (qv).
hammock n. Panty liner; jam rag; sanitary towel. Compare banana
hammock, nork hammock.
ham shank rhym. slang for a Barclays (qv).
Hampton (Wick) rhym. slang Dick (the principle joke in
‘Carry On Henry’). Also to get your Hampton Court - an
accident involving a zip.
handful of sprats n. 1950s Fistful of fish fingers (qv).
hand job n. Manual relief; one of the cheaper services available
at the rub-a-tug shop (qv), or in the pub car park. Compare topless
relief.
hand shandy n. A frothy one, pulled off the wrist.
hand solo n. A solitary hand shandy.
hanging bacon See beef curtains, vertical bacon sandwich.
hanging salad n. Wedding tackle (qv).
hanky panky See slap and tickle.
ha’penny n. Vagina.
happy lamp n. Sixth gear stick. As in: “I’m horny (qv).
Think I’ll give my happy lamp a quick buff”.
happy sack n. Scrotum; hairy saddlebags.
hard on n. Wood; a bone on; bonk on. Compare wide on.
harlot n. Checkout girl at the rub-a-tug shop (qv).
Harry (Monk) rhym. slang Spunk.
have it off v. To get a bit (qv); have a portion (qv);
give somebody one (qv).
have the painters in v. To menstruate; be on the blob (qv)
during rag week (qv).
hawick (hoy-k) v. echoism To puke. After the Scottish
border town. As in “I think I’m going to Hawick”.
head n. Something which is given by women to men, and is
afterwards described as “good” by the recipient when talking to friends.
headlamps n. Bristols (qv). As in: “Phewf! I wouldn’t
mind giving her head lamps a rub”. See other automotive parts spoilers,
sixteen-valve, sixth gear stick.
heave v. To vomit; launch a pavement pizza (qv); release a
loud technicolour yawn (qv).
heave a Havana v. Grow a tail; take a dump. See also bum
cigar.
hee 1. n. Thai Minge; hairy cheque book. 2. interj. One
of a series of noises made by laughing gnomes/policemen.
helicopters, attack of the n. Drunken rolling of the head; sudden
reminder that you need to make an urgent call on the great white telephone. See talking
on the great white telephone.
helmet See bobbies helmet, Roman helmet rumba.
Helmetdale n. A strong smelling, mature knob cheese (qv).
helmet pelmet n. Foreskin; Kojak’s roll-neck.
Herbie’s bonnet See beetle bonnet.
Hershey highway n. US equivalent of Bourneville boulevard,
Cadbury alley.
Hershey highwayman n. Gentleman thief who shoots rusty
sheriff’s badges (qv) with his mutton musket (qv).
hickies n. Slapper-speak for love bites; shag tags.
hide the salami n. A bed-time game for two players, one sausage
and a hairy pie (qv). Also sink the salami, bury the bratwurst.
high pressure vein cane n. Penis; prick; tally-whacker; Hector the
meat injector.
hipocrocadogapig n. The ultimate unattractive female; swamp
donkey; steg, etc.
hissing Sid n. The name of the one eyed trouser snake (qv).
hitch-hiking under the big top v. Of wanking chariots (qv)
and their owners, to shift into sixth gear; polish the tent pole.
hitching to heaven v. More meaty hands to glans combat.
Hitler tash n. Mapatasi (qv) or female pubic hair as neatly
shaved to fit within the confines of a small bikini bottom.
hit and miss rhym. slang Piss.
hoeing the HP v. Uphill gardening (qv) on the brown sauce
allotment.
hockmagandy n. The one day of the year when Scotsmen shag their
wives.
hogans n. US Charlies; Gert Stonkers; Norma Snockers.
hog’s eye n. The service hatch through which perseverance
soup (qv) arrives.
hole n. Ring; quoit; hoop.
holiday money n. Male genitalia; family jewels; meat and two veg.
homosexual n. A man or woman sexually attracted to members of his
or her own sex. Often at bus stops. (From the Greek homos ecsuralos
meaning ‘lifter of shirts’.)
honey alter See honey pot.
honeypot See hairy cheque book.
honkies n. Good afternoons (qv).
honk up See hoy up.
hooker n. US Prostitute.
hoop n. A ring; quoit.
hoop stretcher n. In kitchens, one who hides the salami (qv)
in the tea towel holder (qv).
hootchie n. US Totty; blit; muff.
hootchie cootchie See jig-a-jig.
hooter n. Conk; neb.
hooters n. Bazookas; baps.
hop n. acronym Hang Over Poo. Giant, exceedingly loose stool, the
noisy passing of which is a significant milestone in the recovery from a hang
over. As in “Ahh! I feel much better after that hop. Anyone fancy a pint?”
hop into the horse’s collar v. Nip to the cockwash (qv).
horatio n. Posh Latin term used by doctors for oral sex on a man.
horizontal horticulture n. Opposite of uphill gardening.
horizontal jogging n. Heterosexual sexual intercourse.
horizontally accessible adj. To describe a slag; bike; yo-yo
knickers.
horn n. Ceremonial symbol of a man’s affection for a woman,
traditionally given by the woman to the man.
horny (ha-woo-neh!!) adj. The state of a man whilst in
possession of the horn (qv).
horse’s doofers n. superlative Mutt’s nuts; dog’s bollocks;
bees knees; donkey’s knob.
horse’s head, sitting on a v. Of queues for the toilet, a more
extreme case of the turtle’s head (qv). As in “Hurry up will
you, I’m sitting on a horse’s head out here”.
horses collar n. Vagina. Also sim. to imply generous
proportions, as in “She’s got a fanny like a horse’s collar” (as opposed
to a mouse’s ear). See also cathedral.
hosebag n. Woman of loose morals. She with a fanny like a billposter’s
bucket (qv).
hose job See blow job.
hose monster See hosebag.
hot adj. Condition which, in conjunction with horny (qv),
is often used to describe non-existent women waiting on the end of expensive
telephone sex lines, e.g. “Hot and horny bitches thirsty for your love
seed”.
hot dog n. An egg delicacy - something of an acquired taste -
famously enjoyed by the gay cult actor Divine. v. To eat said morsel,
freshly laid. Egg as in dog egg.
hot fish yoghurt n. Cream sauce filling for hairy pie (qv).
hot lunch n. See Cleveland steamer. Or better still,
don’t.
hot meat injection See meat injection.
hots n. Reciprocal gift for a girl after she’s given you the
horn (qv).
hotty n. US See Totty.
hound n. Dog; steg; boiler.
Howard’s Way rhym. slang Gay. From the shit BBC TV drama of the
same name.
how’s your father n. Sex. Often prefixed “ahem”. As in
“Fancy a quick bit of... ahem... how’s your father?”
hoy up v. To throw up; heave; barf; spew.
huffle v. To bagpipe (qv). Robbie Burns, in 1066, wrote
“Och! I shall huffle, and puffle, and blow your arm off”.
hum 1. v. To ming; stink. 2. v. To sing with the lips
closed, or as near to closed as possible during a hum job (qv).
humdinger n. A fart which makes the wallpaper peel.
hum job n. Vegetarian oral sex involving no meat, just two veg.,
accompanied by simultaneous humming of the musical variety.
hummer n. Arse; bum.
hump 1. v. To shag; have sex. (This term officially ceased to be
popular slang in 1785). 2. v. To carry heavy amplification equipment to
and from a live music venue whilst your arse sticks out the back of your jeans.
humpty n. The act of humping (qv).
hung like an Arab stallion adj. Donkey rigged; well endowed.
hung like a Chinese mouse adj. Opposite of hung like an Arab
stallion (qv).
hungry arse n. Condition afflicting women in tight jeans whereby a
crease in their pants appears to disappear up the crack of their arse. Compare camel’s
foot.
hurl v. To hoy (up); call Huey.
hussy n. Shameless woman; drunk and an unfit mother.
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