C
cabbage n. Girls; totty. As in “I’m looking forward to
going out this evening. I hope to pick some cabbage”.
cabbage fart n. Noxious anal emission of cabbage gas (qv).
cabbage gas n. Naturally occurring pyroflatulatory bum gas used to
power Dutch ovens (qv).
cable laying v. To excrete solid stools. As opposed to crop
spraying (qv).
cack . cacka 1. n. Shit; excrement. 2. v. To papper
(qv), usually one’s trollies.
Cadbury alley See Bourne-ville boulevard.
call down for more mayo v. Jack the beanstalk.
call Huey v. Vomit; puke. Also call Ralph, call Ruth.
camel’s foot n. Of leggings and tight jeans, those mounds and
crevices generated in a ladies crotch when they are pulled up too tight. Also
Camel’s toes. See also Twix lips.
camp adj. Effeminate. As in “You should have seen him mince.
He was as camp as a row of tents”.
can US n. Bottom.
captain n. Penis; Fagan (qv). As in “Say hello to the
captain”.
Captain Hogseye n. Curly bearded seafarer with a shiny,
bald, purple head who trawls in cod cove (qv) and spits a lot.
Captain’s Pie n. 1. Hairy pie caught fresh by Captain
Hog’s Eye; haddock pastie (qv). 2. Of ship’s catering, that pie which
belongs to the captain.
carnival n. Of extremely old jokes, a sexual position where
a woman sits on a man’s face and he has to guess her weight.
carnival knowledge n. Latin phrase meaning to have sex. As
in: “Have you had carnival knowledge with your wife within the last two
weeks?”
carpenter’s dream n. Sexually promiscuous woman. As in: “Flat
as a board, and easy to screw”.
carpet muncher n. One who scoffs hairy pie (qv), usually
a female.
Casanova’s rubber sock n. Condom; blob; French letter.
cat n. Homosexual man. (From the Latin catamite - a boy
kept by a man for immoral purposes).
cat flaps n. Labia minora; beef curtains.
cathedral sim. Describing an oversized vagina. To the owner one
could remark “By goodness! My organ’s never played in a cathedral this size
before”.
cattle rhym. slang Cattle truck - fuck. Also trolley (and
truck), Friar (Tuck) or Russian (duck).
cauliflower n. Sex. e.g. “I fancy doing a bit of
cauliflower”. 18thC. slang vagina.
cavalier n. Uncircumcised penis.
cedar burp n. Small outbreak of chocolate thunder; a fart.
chalfonts rhym. sl. Piles; bum grapes. From Chalfont St. Giles.
chapel hat pegs sim. To describe large, erect nipples. As in
“Phoarr! She had nipples like chapel hat pegs”. Also pygmies’ cocks;
Scammel wheel nuts.
Charlie rhym. slang. Cunt. From ‘Charlie Hunt’. As in “You
look a proper Charlie”.
Charlies n. 70s Tits.
charms n. Of British tabloid journalism, the breasts. Usually
prefixed “ample”.
charver 1 v. US To have sex; shag. 2. UK Boy; lad;
adolescent. 3. UK Be-track-suited twocker; borstal boy; male equivalent
of a slappette (qv).
chase the cotton mouse v. To have the painters in; flags out; surf
the crimson wave.
chebs n. Tits; breasts.
cheek flapper n. A fart which registers highly on the brap (qv)
scale.
cheese See knob cheese.
cheesepipe n. That pipe associated with cheese (qv).
cheesepipe clingfilm n. Condom; rubber Johnny.
cheese ridge n. The fertile area of the penis where knob cheese
(qv) is cultivated. Also banjo (qv).
cheesy wheelbarrow n. The penis, as it might appear while being
pushed by an uphill gardener (qv).
cherry n. Virginity. See pop her cherry.
chest pillows n. Breasts.
chewing on a brick v. Of logs and logging, that desperate point
when the turtle’s head (qv) and indeed shoulders protrude and
the arse is left “chewing on a brick”.
chew your own arm off v. To have difficulty getting away from an
ugly woman with whom you wake up no longer wearing your beer goggles
(qv). If she was asleep on it, you would ‘chew your own arm off’ in
order to escape. See also coyote, trout.
chichis Mexican n. Tits; breasts. Those which have no appeal to a coco
sombrero (qv).
chicken n. Young gay male; teenage hitch hiker on the Hershey
highway (qv).
chickenhawk n. Hershey highwayman (qv) who prays on said
chickens.
Chinese singing lesson, to take a v. Have a much needed piss.
chin rest See duffy’s bridge.
chin splash n. Condition caused by trying on a pearl necklace
(qv) that is too big.
chimney sweep See choco-late chimney sweep.
chocolate cha-cha n. Roof-top dance in the style of Dick Van Dyke,
but performed by chimney sweeps of the chocolate variety.
chocolate chimney sweep n. He who uses his purple headed womb
broom (qv) to clean poop chutes (qv).
chocolate eye n. Bumhole.
chocolate fountain n. A spectacular, anal, upside down firework
ignited in the lavatory to celebrate having a belly full of beer and a dodgy
curry the night before.
chocolate iceberg n. Giant turd sitting in the trap (qv),
the tip of which protrudes above water level.
chocolate shark n. Unlike its relative the brown trout, the
appearance of this giant beast from the bumhole often causes panic among
toilet-goers.
chocolate shark angler n. Fisherman who sails his skin boat
(qv) up the cocoa canal.
chocolate speedway n. Bumhole; poop chute.
chocolate speedway rider n. Purple helmeted star of the dirt
track.
chocolate starfish n. Rusty sheriff’s badge (qv); Bovril
bullet hole.
chocolate thunder n. Tail winds; a trouser typhoon. Also under
thunder.
choke the chicken or choke the goose See bash the bishop or
burp the worm.
choozies Aus. n. Breasts.
chopper 1. n. Penis. As in: “That Andy Cole couldn’t score in
a brothel with a £50 note wrapped round his chopper”. 2. n. Fancy
orange bike that fat kids owned in the 1970s. 3. n. Helicopter.
chrome-dome n. Slap head; baldy.
chubblies n. Fat bird’s choozies (qv).
chuck up See honk up.
chuck your muck v. To drain one’s spuds; ejaculate.
chuckies n. Balls.
chudleighs (chud-leez) or chuds. See chebs, Charlies,
charms or indeed chichis.
chuff 1. v. To pass wind; shoot a bunny rabbit. e.g. “Oops! Best
open a window vicar. I’ve just chuffed”. 2. n. Vagina; ladies
front bottom. 3. n. Anus.
chuffdruff n. Those residual flakes of manfat (qv) and fanny
batter (qv) found upon the mapatasi (qv). Pubic equivalent of mammary
dandruff (qv).
chuff mountain n. Surplus of female guests at a party.
chuff nuts See dangleberries.
chuftie plug n. Tampon.
chunder Aus. v. To produce a pavement pizza (qv);
to barf.
chunk v. To vomit. Also blow chunks.
chutney ferret n. Potholer in kak canyon (qv); botter.
chutney locker n. Rectum. Also date locker.
circle n. Vagina. Euphemism used by Shakespeare in Romeo and
Juliet. Still useful nowadays, as in: “Any chance of a ticket for the grand
circle tonight, darlin’?”
circle jerk n. A shared round of hand shandies (qv).
clagnuts n. Dangleberries. Also tagnuts.
clam jousting n. A sexual encounter between lesbians. Also Velcro
fastening.
clam ram See fanny battering ram.
clam smacker n. Lesbian; bean flicker.
clap, the n. Any sexually transmitted disease, but usually
gonorrhoea.
clapometer n. Imaginary medical instrument used by doctors to
diagnose the clap. As in “Don’t touch her. I hear she scores tens on the
clapometer”.
clappers n. 1. In farting, the buttocks. As in “Christ! That one
didn’t half rattle the clappers”. 2. That part of a bell like which you go.
clarts n. Tacky excrement, such as would cling to the lavatory
bowl above the water level rather than slip into the water.
clear the custard v. To have a long overdue wank. e.g. “Ooooooh...
I’ve got balls like boulders. I’d better nip upstairs and clear the
custard”.
clinkers Aus. n. Difficult to remove poo particles; toffee
strings; winnets; kling-ons; dangleberries.
clodge n. Vagina.
clown’s pocket sim. To describe the bigger, baggier and perhaps
yellow and red checkered vagina. As in “She had a fanny like a clown’s
pocket”.
cludgie n. Shitehouse; lavatory; thunderbox.
clusterfuck n. A regrettable situation of immense idiocy.
cobblers ryhm. slang Balls. From ‘Cobbler’s awls’.
cock 1. n. Penis; willy; knob. 2. n. A person to whom a
chirpy Cockney wishes to speak, esp. when prefixed by “Wotcha...” 3. n.
A sort of chicken.
cock block n. Bed. As in “I wouldn’t mind lying that on me
cock block”. See also shag slab.
cock porridge n. Messy load fired from the porridge gun (qv).
cock snot n. Semen. As in “Copy of Fiesta... oh, and a box of
tissues. I think my cock has a cold coming on”.
cock sucker n. Of road rage incidents, a wanker; a motorist who
cuts you up.
cock smoker n. A lady who plays Horatio (qv) on the trouser
trombone.
cock tease n. Woman who wears ‘fuck me shoes’ and then changes
into ‘fuck off slippers’ when you get back to her place.
cockwash n. Vagina. As in “It’s about time I put this through
the cockwash”. See also token for the cockwash, municipal cockwash.
cocoa sombrero n. Mexican variation on the brown hat.
cod cove See fish mitten.
cods n. Balls. Often prefixed “A kick is the”.
coffin-dodger n. Affectionate term for an incontinent, elderly
relative.
collar and cuffs euph. Matching hair colour, up top and down
below. As in “See that blonde. Do you reckon her collar matches her cuffs?”
Colwyn Bay Welsh seaside rhym. slang Gay.
command module n. Bell end; glans.
combustoflatulation n. The highly dangerous act of flame throwing
with one’s trouser trumpet. Also pyro-flatulation.
con n. French Cunt.
con artiste, une n. Muff diver.
cones n. Breasts, especially pointy, orange, dayglo ones found
alongside the M25.
conkers See hairy conkers.
Constable n. Rough shaven minge.
convoy cock See travel fat.
cop a feel v. To get one’s fingers (qv) or tops (qv).
copper bolt v. Very heavy or solid stool.
corn beef cudgel n. Short, thick trouser stick the “taking up”
of which relieves gentlemanly tensions. Also corn beef lighthouse.
cornhole 1. n. US Brass eye; ring; balloon knot. 2. v. To
shove your cock up same.
corybungo n. Arse; backside.
costume drama n. The frantic behaviour of a woman who cannot
decide what to wear for a party. See also period drama.
cottage v. To go house hunting on Bourneville boulevard (qv),
looking for something a bit more solid than a log cabin (qv); to
wank in a public lavatory, in George Michael’s case in front of an undercover
police officer.
cotton mouse See tampon.
cough cabbage water v. Ejaculate; tread on the gloy bottle.
council gritter rhym. sl. Shitter; arsehole; dirtbox. As
in: “Watch that one. I hear he takes it up the council gritter”. Also
Gary (Glitter), apple (fritter).
court Madam Knuckle See Madam Palm and her five sisters.
cowboy walk n. Broad, rolling gait required when walking to the
bog with the turtles head (qv) exposed.
coyote See chew your own arm off.
crabs n. Pubic lice.
crab ladder n. Penis.
crack n. 1. Minge; fanny. As in “Close your legs honey, folks
will see your crack”. 2. Banter; gossip; conversation. As in “Have you heard
all the crack about your crack? Everyone must have seen it.”
crack a fat v. To achieve an erection.
crack a stiffy See crack a fat.
crackerjacks n. Testicles. As in “I’m off upstairs to
whack me crackerjacks”.
crackling n. Totty; talent. Goes well with the verb to pork.
cranberry dip n. A special recipe for hairy pie (qv)
available only during rag week (qv).
crank 1. n. Penis. 2. v. Ham shank.
crap 1. n. Shit. 2. v. To shit.
crapper n. Lavatory. From the German inventor of the
self-cleaning water closet, Thomas Shitehousen.
crash the yoghurt truck v. RTA at the Billy Mill roundabout
(qv); empty the wank tanks; discharge the trouser Mauser (qv).
cream v. To ejaculate, as often as not in “your pants”.
crepitate v. Posh word for fart.
crimp off a length v. Naval slang See curl one off.
crimson crowbar n. Penis. Also jizz jemmy.
crimson wave Also crimson tide. See surfing the crimson wave.
crotch crickets n. Crabs.
crouton n. Erection; bone; stalk; stiffy.
crop spraying v. To have diarrhoea. As opposed to cable laying
(qv). A doctor may enquire: “So what’s the old shitter been up too then?
Cable laying or crop spraying?”
crow US n. That muck which has been chucked, esp. onto the mapatasi
(qv); post porking residue on the hairy clam (qv). See also muffdruff.
crowd pleaser n. Unusual or noteworthy stool which you feel an
urge to show to someone before you flush. Possibly a U blocker (qv)
or a copper bolt (qv).
crumpet n. A traditional Scottish cake made of soft light dough,
eaten toasted and buttered, much craved by the late Sid James. Originally a
euphemism for buttered bun (qv). Also fresh from the bakery muffin,
tiffin, tart.
crusties n. Overworn knickers lacking in ‘April freshness’;
those panties with a dirty drip tray (qv).
cuckold 1. n. A man whose wife plays away from home. 2. v. A
wife who plays away.
cum 1. v. The mis-spelling of come commonly used by the
authors of reader’s letters in jazz magazines (qv) to describe male
ejaculation or its (bell) end product.
cumulo nimbus n. The posh Latin term for oral sex; stimulation of
the clematis.
cunnifungus n. Female equivalent of knob cheese (qv).
cunt n. The female genitals. Once common parlance, the term has
been considered impolite since the end of the 14th Century. Not recommended for
use in front of the mother-in-law. See also Charlie.
cunny n. Fadge; vagina. (From the posh Latin word cunnus meaning
‘shagpipe’ and coney meaning ‘hairy rabbit warren’).
cunt bubble n. An air lock up the fanny, often leading to a minge
burp.
cuntstruck adj. Besotted; hopelessly in love.
cupcake n. Small quantity of fart gas caught in the palm of
the hands and then deposited in a person’s face.
Cupid’s toothpaste n. Cross between Aphrodite’s Evostick
(qv) and denture glue; that which women spit (qv) or swallow
(qv). Also tapioca toothpaste.
curd n. Jizz, or gism (qv).
curl one off v. To carefully deliver a stool. See also
three coiler.
curler n. A lump of excrement, having been curled off.
curtain drop n. Labia length; size of a woman’s beef
curtains (qv). As in “Excuse me love, I’m doing a bit of measuring up.
What’s the drop of your curtains?”
curtain rings n. Pierced labia. See beef curtains.
cut the cheese v. To fart. Also cut the Brie, etc.
cushion creeper n. One who discreetly manoeuvres their buttocks on
a chair in order to minimise brap (qv) and thereby silence a fart.
See also one cheek sneak.
custard cannon See lamb cannon, mutton musket.
Cyclops n. Fabled one eyed trouser god who vomits when he is
pleased.
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