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I would like to share my poem with others. My abuser was my father. God Bless everyone. Here is the link to my poem. http://www.epinions.com/content_2749341828

I was sexually assaulted for the last time at the age of 26. It was my father. To this day i detst his looks and stares. It was very prominent this Christmas. I have made a choice - a painful one. I will not be able to see my mother any longer becasue he is there. i cuold not believe the treatment he bestowed upon me. He still views me as his slave and whore. Why? I will never understand. I move forward ten steps. Then, this. Will I ever be free from this torment and pain? I miscarried his child at 19. He raped me at 6. He fingered me at 1. My mother knew this, and stood by him. She chooses him over me. How could she? I've been to counseling. I have had intensive therapy. I work with abused children now. The cycle never stops. It never will end. I pray it does. Dillards

Is ritual abuse really real? Does anyone feel like their past and present are two different worlds they live on?....Been in therapy for four years....at a turning point of trust and depth...little girl deep inside who screams and hides in ball is wanting to be near to counselor and talk and feel near him...we finally trust him....everything within seems to be screaming to get out now before he knows something bad or that we are a fake....I never remembered any of this most of my highly sucessful, perfect looking life....but the words, art and "other places" that seems to speak to my counselor seem to imply otherwise...I could never prove this to anyone....I still seem to need to prove it to myself....want to finish my healing work but fear the voice that says to end it all now will win out...just like they did with my father....I am afraid to believe what has come out of me is real....what if I made it up to get attention...I am very confused and afraid even though another part of me has already told about things that seem impossible...can it be real and true if you never remembered any of it until you were in your late thirties...and that was after entering therapy....diagnosed two years ago with DID...believe than doubt my entire being ...a cycle that impedes progress...have alot of circumstantial evidence but if I were to tell family this is what I think happened and why my father committed suicide...no one will ever believe me...what do you do if the evidence had mounted but you can't beleive its really you...that it happened to you...that something that seems to exist only on another world in your mind is actually real...that it relates to the bizarre things you have obsessed on and been triggered by for as long as you can remember.....I am a Christian...so many people would never believe this and if I accept it and move in my process I fear I will be ultimately abandoned....I won't survive....does anyone understand thiese feelings.... Victoria

Hi Everyone. I am a survivor of Molested, Rape, mental abused, and Physical abuse. I have no memories since I was 5 and I think all the way up to Freshman in High School. All those years in between is all blocked out. I don't even know or have any proof of being in school. My Molsters were 3 Uncles (that have passed away) One Godfather (that passed away also.) I was Rape at 17 and again on my wedding night of my current husband who is in Prison. So I could not be with him went back to the motel I have always stayed at. And never had a problem. Sept 11, 1992 I was married to a wonderful Man, but he is also my best friend. He helps me on my bad days he calls and don't know why he just feels I need him. He knows about the rape. And he supported me all the way. He never said anything bad. I was abused by my first Husband and that is mental and physical. He beat me every day. I was pregnate and he would beat me his mother tried to stop him he hit her too. I was pregant the second time and he kick and punch me so bad that my baby was born premature for the planctia was down and the baby was on top. When I was rushed to the hospital for massive blood clots they ask me if I wanted the baby saved or myself. Like most mother's we choice our baby. I was lucky my son was born with a 50% chance of living. He was only 4 pounds. I had 4 blood transfusin. But I made it too. Yes I got the streght one morning We lived in Massachetts and my Daddy lived in California. My mother-in-law and Father-in -law and my Daddy help me and 2 of my kids fly back home to Calif. That is where I started my divorce. Now I am Happily Married to a Man who will never hit me, nor does he mentaly abuse me. He is my soul-mate, my Husband for 11 years. But mostly my best friend. So everyone. I am here to meet others and let them know they are never alone. Someone out here knows what you are going through. I am a very good listener. Hope to hear from all of you. I like to have friends. Muffie (husband nickname for me)

It's been 15 years since I told. I am 30 now. It's been a long time since but I am only just starting to realise that it is NEVER going to go away. The feelings of shame, guilt and sometimes sheer terror. I have learnt to live with it and and have developed my own ways of coping - I write alot of poetry to get my feelings out cos I still can't talk to anyone about what really went on. I can go months without thinking about it and then one day BANG! - it hits me and I can't help but dwell on what sould have been but will never be now. That makes me sad and angry. I often sit and wonder what I would have been like if the abuse never happened and if my view of the world would be different. I always seem to be trying to avoid the bad things in life that probably wont happen but hey - that wasn't supposed to happen either right, so if that did then anything can. I hope that makes sense to you guys. Anyway life does go on and as I say you do learn to cope. Sorry if this was a little depressing but today was one of those BANG! - and it hit me all over again. I wish you all luck. Ellen

feel like I'm home. This is a safe place to be. To speak. To breathe. It both warms and breaks my heart to read everyone's stories. I want to thank everyone for sharing your healing and struggles. I was sexually abused by my cousin for 3 years. I am on my fourth counsellor and am starting to finally understand what I need to do on my path to healing. Meg

Cory Jones it breaks my heart to hear you going through so much pain. I can't say I understand, but I can say that there is so much to look forward to after highschool. Please don't give up until you've seen the real world, which is NOT highschool. Teenagers are idiots. Just the fact that you posted your thoughts on here shows you have more courage and integrity than most. Because you have had struggles you have so much to offer the world. You have a knowledge about life that cannot be taught. You can use this. Please do not give up yet Cory. Everyone on this site cares about you. We are all your friends. By sharing our lives on this page we are going through our lives' journeys together. Don't let other people around you end your life. You are worth more than that. Meg

i didnt know i was abused as a very young kid until i was about 11 and my mom called me out and said my uncles were going to court for molesting two of my cousins, and they confessed that they had done it to me too when i was 4 and 5. i dont remember it much, its kind of vague. to this day i hate when ppl touch my stomach bcuz it triggers sumthing of when it happened, sum1 sliding their hands down my pants. i was also molested by my older cousin when i was 8 and 9 and i remember it perfectly. he started by giving me massages and then he would come with me in the bath tub and touch me perform oral sex on me or make me do it to him. the first time, he asked me to have sex and i said no and he tried to do it anyway but i started to fight so he stopped and just made me watch him masterbate himself over the toilet bowl. after that everything was find and it didnt really do any damage to me but when i was 15 i started dating an older guy. after a few weeks he told me he wanted to have sex but i said no he he said fine but he still wanted to touch me and he told me to take my clothes off and lie on the bed. then he started taking his clothes off and i asked why and he said because his pants made him hurt, but he got on top of me and held me down and made me have sex with him. i tried to get him off me but he was too heavy and he kept telling me not to fight or it would hurt more but i did anyway. after he was done he got up and left and i kept dating him because i thought he still loved me, and i stopped fighting when he wanted to have sex but i kept hating it. soon he started hitting me and beating me up. i have a scar on my chest because one time he got really mad at me and cut me with sissors. i got into some counseling but i didnt leave jeremy until i found out i was pregnant. he would never use condoms because it took away from the feelings he said. but i went away for the summer and now i havent seen him in a long time. Marissa

how can a mother do to her child what mine did to me i am a survivor am only starting the journey flashes i thought was just one of those sings that i was crazy turned out to me memories trying to surface she molested me SHE MOLESTED ME then she threatened me and kept me in her power brainwashed me when i got to old she turned to medications made me dependent on medications i thought i had to take or i would die. i have no idea what comes next only know that now that the lid has popped open there'll be no stopping but sometimes i feel i cant take it anymore wish i just had the flashy thing they have in MIB, i always dreamed of such a gadget, that would just STOP everything and that would have an erase button let you start over. so many years i was in her power i even had to move to a different country and still she keeps after me phoning all the time emailing my husband she wants to come and talk to my therapist she's probably afraid of what i will say and now she's not around to discredit me and make everybody dispise me i don't even know if i dare believe myself what if everything she said is true what if everything is my fault and nothing to make a fuss about anyway and all i want is attention. shit. lalitha

i was molested and raped from the time i was 5 till i was 9. i have supressed it for almost 11 years now and i am ready to heal. i have only just begun the healing process. i just want other survivors to know that there is hope for getting past what we lived through. i know it may seem that there isn't at times but there is. i wish all of you luck in you healing. Kayla

i survived Clifford Olson i try to treat my experience as if i was simply the victim of a random tragedy as befalls every soul on this planet no worse than a car accident or heart attack i keep telling myself but emotions refuse to be ruled by reason my rape (i hate that word) was a sudden thing the person who did it was my employer i was a 16 year old 'tough guy' looking for work in the 1970's the government had a 'youth employment' program that sent me to this guy on a promise of $5.00 per hour for landscaping labour he hired several of us skinny kids while turning away what i thought to be stronger more suitable workers this in itself was odd but for 5$/hour none of us complained to make a long story short this self professed ex-convict born-again christian managed to rape a significant percentage of the boys the government had sent him he did this by first singling out a person for special duties which involved picking up supplies etc. and slowly gaining the confidence and respect of each individual by bragging about how bad he was and how he used to a criminal but now he was making big money because of jesus but he was still a mean mother#####er and "look how much cash i got... here... take a fifty... go buy yourself some good workboots" etc and so on... befriending the boy until the "hey lemme buy ya a beer after work" trap is set. this bastard got me alone in a motel room where i foolishly went with him because (this is embarassing) after a couple drinks he got me to admit i was a virgin and he told me that he would "get me laid" and that he had some "girls on the way" meanwhile we smoked pot and drank beer yes i was a bad boy but i did not deserve what happened to me next without a moment's warning he transformed into a completely evil person as if a mask just fell away from his face his eyes were cold and fierce and i simply had no choice but to believe him when he calmly explained what he was going to do to me because "that's what we do to guys like you in the joint" and that if i resisted i would be killed because "i killed Never Forget! Never Forgive! - Victor

i'm not ready to except that i am an incest survivor. to me something happened but its over and you just move on. why do we have to live the past to feel better? i am in a good relationship, not perfect but who has one of those. yes my husband has verbally and has twice been physical with me but we have been together for 21 years. we have a good relationship i don't want to lose. we are in a crisis because our daughter is in trouble and we are now seeing a therapist. i personally hate it. it has brought up my past and it makes me feel like my whole life is wrong. will exploring my past help me? right now it is only confusing me and i don't want to go to therapy anymore. i go only because of my daughter but i hate going because now i have to focus on myself. all i want to do is help my daughter.should i quit? my husband and i are in this together but it is all so embarassing to admitt our behaviors and our past.- Hopeless

Thanks to all who have spoken here. This is my first time at this site and yet I feel so welcome. Thanks to all those brave people who have come forward and spoken what is in their hearts and minds. Kudos to you. I would love to be as strong as you. Maybe one day I can be that person. Thank you for the words and memories you have written on this great wall.- Polkstudent

I am the partner of a survivor one of the things I find hardest to deal with is her constant feelings of guilt not just about the abuse but when anything goes astray she always blames herself even when she has had nothing to do with the outcome. I love this woman with all my being and it tears me apart to see her suffer this way. A few noted therapists have said that it is because survivors have difficulty in separating past sexual experiences from abuse and therefore blame themselves for feeling sexual. I don't know about that but would dearly love to hear from anyone who has any ideas on how to help. My heart goes out to you all and I hope that you all find the peace and love you so Richly deserve - Loving Hubby

I'm 51 years old and was abused by my step-grandfather when I was around 4 years old.I told some one for the first time. If I am survivor I certainly dont feel like one. I feel that I've never had a proper life because of what he did to me. He took away my trust before I had chance to use it. He may as well have murdered me because I feel dead inside. I often wonder what the 'real me' would have been like. Maybe the real me would have been confident, had self-esteem and felt loved and able to trust. the abuse happened on Sunday afternoons when he was allowed to take me to bed with him for an afternoon nap. There were a lot of people down stairs -his wife, his children and my Mom and Dad. I think my Mom found out what he was doing because we suddenly stopped visiting. She never mentioned it ever and so he was never punished-it was I who was punished. My mother never hugged me or cuddled me like she did my brother. If I went to kiss or hug her she would pull away. I dont think she could handle the fact that her daughter wasnt 'pure' anymore. In short, she stopped loving me. I paid a very high price for what he did -my own mother found me repulsive and unlovable. And that's how I've felt all of my life. I've chosen partners who have treated me badly because I believed that I didnt deserve any better. I've always applied for menial jobs because I believed that I wasnt capable of doing anything better. I suffer from depression and I self-harm. I've been in couselling since I 'told' and it is helping a little , but it's a long hard lonely journey. I am determined to be well one day , if I dont, he will have won-he will have ruined my whole life and I will not let him do that. I want the rest of the time that I have left to be my time. I am claiming my life back from him because he had no right to it ever. He's dead now and rotting in hell I hope where he belongs. Some one said to be free you have to forgive. I will never forgive him ever but one day I WILL be free of him.- Rainbow

I am hoping someone will read this and understand me. I was severely sexually abused and as a result am DID. - Bags

I am an emotional abuse survivor. Also my maternal grandfather was a professional photographer who took, what I felt were inappropriate photoes of me. I know I look very uncomfortable, awkward in the photoes. I was around 4 at the time. I just know what I feel. I also have a site with survivors links at http://www.web.ms11.net/mayapple/as.htm --Lynn

Yesterday, my ex of 6 years. plead Guilty to all of the charges. It took a long time for him to do this. A 7 year criminal court battle. It was fought all the way to the supreme court of canada. However it was not my first win. That occur back in 1996, when we became free. THe next was when I was awarded full custody of my child, whom he molested. That was a death for me. I found that out after the police had him. Beating and raping me was not enough for him. Nor was the other woman he raped. Pychopath, sick, twisted, controlling, manipulitive, cruel and the list goes on. The people he hurt and the amount of pain that happens with each time you sit on the stand recalling the events that do not diminish. Finally came to an end. Now I can begin to heal. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. My child has surpassed the rage, ohh yes the amount of hurt and rage at what he had done to her was expressed by hours of daily screaming, nightmares of the monster(him)finding us/her chasing us/her, so much and she will never forgive him and yes she remembers. The betrayal in our mind of what he has done will never be forgotten, never be forgiven. It will always show us that there are monsters, found in the forms of people that walk and breathe the air around us. I am still angry, hurt, scared, lost, alone. I learned that to be free means to stand firm, to stand up for self, to be strong and believe in self. I had to find that out. All of these years I had lots of support. This time. I chose only one. Me. My life I have worked hard to make good. Dam hard. I fought emotionally to be strong for what I have become now. I fought to finish this so that my children would not have to do it later. I fought for my dignity, my safety, my honour, my life. I won. I fought for my children, the next woman or child in his life. There will be again. This time. The police know. This time the courts know. This time there will be no pardon for him. Yes he has a prior and a pardon for it. -- Lynn

I was sexually abused from the age of 4 till about 12. My older brother was the perp. I remember one time, after going to school and having a lesson, talk, presentation, whatever, on innapropriate touching, going home and telling my mom what happened. My brother always said if you tell you'll get yelled at. and I did. I know now that they weren't yelling at me, weren't angry at me, but it felt like it then. I was 5 at the time. and the abuse didn't stop. When it finally stopped, I suppressed it. I started drinking, but didn't like the taste. I tried drugs, but same thing. I tried turning toward god, but I felt let down there to. I turned to men. I didn't have sex until I was eighteen, but I did everything else. I had oral sex, I touched I felt, and then I went hone and cried. When I did finally loose my Virginity, it was in an act of rape. I had started cleaning up and was trying to be a "good girl" and my boyfried did it. Then he made me feel guilty. And I being the fool, went back, and it happened again, and I went back again, until I found him cheating, then i broke up, But not before he got me pregnant. Then I had to deal with my verbally and emotionally abusive father. I am now out of that place, but I found myself so upset with my 6 year old daughter that I wanted to beat the crap out of her. I got so scared that i had to leave.I don't want to do that. I need someone to talk to, but I don;t know who. My husband is a wonderful and he doesn't deserve to have me around like this, and I don't want ot be like this. I have been dealing with abuse since I was four and now, at 25 it is catching up with me. I have been so depressed I can hardly get out of bed to take care od my two beautiful little girls.I fly off the handle at the littlest things. I don't know where to turn. Can anyone help me? -- SuSu

I'm very glad to find a site like this. I think it's really helpful. I was molested 'til I was about 9 from I'm not quite sure when -- my memory is a little patchy. I didn'tt remember anything about it until I was 16. What I remembered then was one of my brother's friends finding times when I was by myself and touching me and making me touch him. Then, it escalated. I have one memory of him forcing me to perform fellatio on him - a blow job - and then I have at least one memory of him using one or more of his fingers to, you know, for penetration. Sometimes I can still feel him and I just want to cry 'cause it hurts so much, but I can't. Will I ever stop feeling so incredibly small, so stranded, so damaged? I'd really appreciate hearing from some people. -- kayla

I am a survivor of child molestation and rape. I knew this person well because he was my stepfather. It went on for 4 years until one day I got tired of telling my friends that I wasn't allowed to have friends over. He took advantage of me being the quite child thinking that I would never tell. I did though and his world came crashing down. My Family thinks that I got over it but I didn't. I'm 18 now and it ended 4 years ago . I still sleep with a light on and my teddy bear that the DHS gave me. It makes me feel safe. I have nightmares at night thinking that he has escaped to come and get me. I am still afraid of men over 20 and afraid of sex. He ruined my life and he ruined me. I can't even look at a man without thinking of my rapist. I want him to know how it feels. He got out of prison this February and was arrested again for the same thing back in September. How stupid can he be? He didn't get away with it the 1st time why would he get away with it the 2nd time? -- Elizabeth

i am so fucked off with everything tonight... why have i lied for so long... lie lie lie. bullshit... i feel so angry at what has been taken away from me... so many people have hurt me ... i am only 28 now and i have been trodden on so many times i wonder how i made it this far without really topping myself. christ i feel alone tonight. i really wish there was some online chat place i could go right now. i feel so alone. so so alone -- Anonymous

I don't remember much before the age of 6. I drank from the age of 14 to 21. When I got sober at 21 I started having body memories. They are awful! I felt like something was gagging me in my mouth. I also felt a terrible pain "down there", it hurt so bad. I am now 27 and am drinking again. I couldn't stand the pain when I was sober. I did last 2 years sober though. That's a long time for me to go without a drink. The hardest part to write about this stuff that happened to me is, I fondled my younger sister when I was 11 and she was 8. I am so ashamed by this! I ruined her innocents. What was I doing? How could I have done this? I feel terrible even though I know I was only a Child myself. I am working on what happened to me when I was young so I can understand why I would even think of touching my sister. I know I learned it from somewhere, but where? I was also fondled by my dad's bestfriend when I was 15. I was in 2 sexually abusive relations! hips when I was 22 and 24. One would rape me in the middle of the night. The other was 6'6 and 300 pounds and he would just hold me down and take it. I had no self asteem. I should have left the first time something happened. But in my mind I was thinking, it was better than being alone. PLEASE WRITE ME, I FEEL REALLY ALONE AND SAD. -- Nervous

I am a college student who very recently was sexually assaulted. So recently that I am not even used to saying or labeling it sexual assault. Basicly I was asleep one night in my dorm and I was aroused by a man touching me through my underwear. I am so anxious at night that I can't sleep sometimes and I feel so isolated because I have no one that understands. I was not raped. He just touched me and briefly spoke to me and left. A few seconds later he re-entered to apoligize. I really would love someone to talk to about this. Please show me there is hope. I want to be happy again. -- Emilie

i am now 22 years of age, however i do not recall my childhood as i have no cherished memories of the past. i was sexually, physically and verbally abused by my father for as long as i can remember until i finally broke my silence at age 12 - when it became impossible to ignore any longer. i am adding my comments to the wall because i want to say that we all will get through this horrible chapter in our lives an be able to move on. for years i refused to admit that there was anything wrong, but as my health deteriorated through anorexia and severe depression - at 16 - i realised that i wanted revenge. this rrevenge came in the form of me finally letting go to the recurring comment 'it was my fault' an realising that i have a right to enjoy my life - and this is what i am doing now. however, this wasn't easy and didn't happen over night. i attempted suicide at age 17 and 19 due to a relapse into anorexia and my depression escalated into a manic state. i relied heavily on my friends and family to get through this and i did this is now behind me, i am physically and emotionally stronger than i have ever been before, i am in a loving relationship, and have a son of 19months. also i have been accepted to university where i shall be studying a law degree. -- Frances

I am looking for someone to talk about healing. i have many questions about relationships, etc and just am looking to find someone to talk to about this. i was sexually abused by my older half-brother for six years and have been on the road to healing, but at this point in my healing, i have many questions, and no one to talk to. preferably i'd like someone who has been in a similar situation, but at this point, i just need someone to talk to. -- Teresa

I am a surviver of childhood sexual abuse from the time i was till i was 14 my father was the perpater I know it was not my fault i have won cause he did not ruin my life it has not been easy but he does not have the control I do I change what i do not like. -- ladypeewee

Gift from Within is a 501 (c) (3) private, nonprofit organization dedicated to those who suffer post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), those at risk for PTSD, and those who care for traumatized individuals. Our philosophy is to rekindle hope and restore dignity to trauma survivors by offering educational materials, including videotapes, articles, books, resources, a survivor poetry and art gallery and a roster of survivors who participate in an international network of peer support. Feel free to visit out site. -- Joyce

MY DAUGHTER WAS A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE. THE ABUSER, HER REAL FATHER. FIRST TIME WAS BACK IN ALABAMA IN 1999 AND THIS HAPPENED WHILE SHE WAS ON THE ROAD WITH HER DAD( HE IS A TRUCK DRIVER). THE COUNTY I LIVED IN DID NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. HE ONLY GOT A PROTECTIVE ORDER ON HIM FOR ONE WHOLE YEAR AND A DIVORCE FROM ME. WE WERE DIVORCED 11 MONTHS. ALONG ABOUT IN JAN 2001 HE CALLS TELLS ME HE HAS CHANGED AND WANTS TO REMARRY ME, AND ALSO SAYS THAT IF I DON'T MOVE OUT TO TEXAS THAT HE WOULD TAKE OUR DAUGHTER FROM ME. WELL LIKE A FOOL I BELIEVED HIM SO I REMARRIED HIM. WELL HIS MENTAL AND VERBAL ABUSE STARTED UP AGAIN ON ME AND THEN HE TURNED AROUND AND MOLESTED OUR DAUGHTER AGAIN. WHEN YOU LIVE IN TEXAS THEY JUST DON'T DROP WHAT HAPPENS TO A CHILD. I HAVE GOT CPS, THE DA AND THE SHERIFF DEPT INVOLVED THIS TIME. MY HUSBAND ALSO CANNOT SEE OUR DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW. HE IS DUE IN ON SEPT. 2 AND HAS TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST. I WILL BE REALLY SURPRISED IF HE TAKES IT BECAUSE SOME ABUSERS MAKE UP SOME EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF IT. HE TELLS ME THAT HE DID N! OT TOUCH OUR DAUGHTER AND THAT SHE IS MAKING ALL OF THIS UP. HE ALSO SAYS SHE IS A LIAR. HE IS THE ONE THAT IS LYING. I WISH HE COULD FEEL THAT PAIN HE HAS CAUSED BOTH MY DAUGHTER AND I AND I HOPE WHEN HE GOES TO SLEEP AT NIGHT THAT HE IS CONSUMED WITH GUILT. BUT I AM SURE HE WILL NEVER CONFESS TO WHAT HE DID TO HER. MOST ABUSERS GO UNPUNISHED. THE BEST THING I CAN DO IS DIVORCE HIM AND LET HIM ONLY HAVE SUPERVISED VISITS. HE TELLS ME THAT HE WILL GET HER IN THE DIVORCE BUT I TELL HIM HE IS FULL OF BS. SO HOW DO YOU GET OVER THIS? -- Betty Gann

I am a 46 year old woman who was sexually, mentally, and physically abused for most of my life. I started to get therapy from feminist therapists and tossed out psychiatry from my life. Psychiatry just pumped me up with a psychiatric diagnosis, pills, shock treatments that ruined my memory, and denied my abuse issues. I am free from psychiatry and now trust in my own truth and know what happened. I don't need proof of it, I am walking proof of what happened. I have disassociative identity disorder and post trauma stress disorder. I can assert myself now and I can tell someone the word "NO, don't do that to me, or I will call the police and have you charged". I have friends who are survivors and we talk about our issues together and that helps me understand I am not alone. I go on the internet and visit survivor pages and that helps me greatly in my healing. I just want to let you know the memories don't go away but the pain of them ceases with time, with a lot of love and caring from others. Share your pain with someone you trust. I did and that person loves me for who I am. They don't judge me by my past. This is person is my boyfriend. I told everything about my past, and it was painful. His gentle eyes and kindness tells me he cares. This is a part of healing, letting someone love you for who you are, not what they expect you to be. Healing takes a lifetime but the journey is worth it. -- starbelle

Some of the most bizarre abuse can happen in a hospital or in the Home Healthcare setting. I used to trust nurses, doctors, and security. I used to have faith in therapists. I used to think that if one asked for protection, then it would be granted. I have been very sick with chronic conditions which have caused me to require frequent hospital stays. Over a period of around 2 years, one male RN began a personal and sexual relationship with me at my hospital. He also acted as if he were a therapist to me in many ways because he listened to my problems, seemed to offer empathy, and he made me feel less alone during difficult medical events. The RN had also been in my home to take care of me once. When somebody enters one's home, they learn a great deal about what matters to the that person. There is never a balance of power between a nurse or doctor and their patient. The professional has the control. It is important that they do not lose control and harm their patient/client ! by invading the patient's personal life. A professional can read records and charts, research personal data, and learn the needs of the patient or client. The needs of the patient/client should come first, rather than the needs of the professional. My male Registered Nurse began sexually abusing me while he knew I was struggling with a difficult time in my life. He did this while many people enabled him, protected him, and even deluded themselves into believing that such exploitation was acceptable somehow. I was warned by the nurse not to tell anyone what he had done to me. Then, as a result of what has always felt like a type of rape by this nurse, other medical abuses followed. "Mistakes" began occurring over and over again. Specimens and charts were "misplaced", important medical instructions were "overlooked", and genuine physical pain was ignored. Some male staff began to taunt me into silence. My prescribed medications were also tampered with... I have proof of all of this, but I have been too fearful to present it, for I am aware that I can lose even more safety by reporting. Licensing Boards, police, and lawyers have not resolved these issues for me yet. I hope that someone will soon stop what has been going on. Gossip and rumors by professionals have eroded my personal integrity, and affected my medical care, and my personal life. My survival has been endangered. Stalking and passive aggressive acts by some other angry supporters and professionals has been an ongoing problem. As a result of all of this, I have little hope for safety in any facility near my home anymore. This post is for every woman, man, or child who ever needs medical care anywhere. Your life will be in the hands of others who may not care at all about it. If you complain about errors or abuse, you might get punished or banished. I never used to feel like I do now. I used to trust most nurses, doctors, security, lawyers, and therapists. I used to think that lawyers would find justice for such crimes against any sick person. I don't know who to trust anymore. I do not think trusting any professional is safe, so I am paralyzed into submission. Be awake... -- A "patient/client"

Does a survivor mean your still alive? Or that it's all over with. Because if it means your still alive, I'm not a survivor. I'm dead. I'm breathing and all, but I'm not living. My heart beats, but I have no feeling. It's all over and done with. But I'm still hurt. I'm still numb to the pain. I'm still lost. It may be over and done with, he may not creek open my door at night and come in and disturb my sleep, my brother maybe gone off to the Air Force. But he still is alive. He still haunts my memories. My family still thinks he's the perfect guy. The one with the great greats, the good looks, the pretty wife and nice job. He's the one whose the good person. I was just his little toy til he was done with me. Now he has a wife. All his pent up sexual energy goes to her. Instead of me. I'm by no means healed, I'm by no means fixed, and I've never confided in anyone that it was him. Sure, I've told my friends one of my brothers buds got frisky w! it! h me, and that's why I have polygamous relationships.. But no one knows the truth. No one wants to know the truth. When I was in 4th grade, I remember my neighbor reporting my brother for sexual abuse, they called me down and asked me if what she was saying was true. I lied to a liscensed psychiatrist about it. I'll never be able to take it back, and I don't really want to ruin his life. He's scarred and killed me. But I still call him my own blood. I don't have wonderful friends. I don't have wonderful lies. I don't have wonderful looks, or a boyfriend who 'loves' me or even cares. I have had about a million boyfriends, and I've gone through all of them icily and without a care for their feelings. Is it because I am cold? Damn right it's because I'm cold. My apathy has consumed my heart. His frenzied lust for love has pierced me forevermore. I'm not happy. I contemplate just shooting myself every day I walk this earth. I have friends, I wear a masque of hap! pi! ness, they would cry over my death. But it would be the pretend person they didn't really know that they were crying over. I would love to hear from someone who understands, if that is possible. Am I alone for being so cold, so lost, so ruined and dead? I hope not. I have no faith in god. I don't believe in it. I have no faith in love. I don't believe in it. I have no faith in me. I don't believe I truly deserve existance. Do .. write me? Please... -- Elaine

Survival is the best revenge! Sometimes that can be tough especially when your abuser gets his face on the TV and in the newspapers. -- Kapowai

I'm looking for other children of abuse survivors to talk with, since there are virtually no resources available specifically for children of abused parents. About 10 years ago when I was 22 years old, my mother dropped a bombshell on me: she had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused by her stepfather, from the time she was 9 years old until she was about 14. My father knew and my mom�s best friend knew, but aside from a few other much older (and mostly dead now) family members who were there when it happened, no one else in the family was aware of it. My mom kept it a secret for over 40 years. I know that in no way whatsoever was any of the abuse my mom's fault, and I felt nothing but admiration and respect for her, both for surviving and for finally coming out and talking about what happened. But it's left me with several questions, and I don't know how to proceed, since I don't want to be the one to bring the topic up. Also, since my step-grandfather is most likely dead by now and I never met him anyway, I find that I have a lot of anger toward my grandmother and I don't really know how to express it properly. It doesn't seem right to talk about it with my mom, since she has bigger issues to deal with. So I'd love to hear from any other children of abuse survivors out there... -- >Lauryl Stone

I've just finished reading all of the printed letters on The Wall. It really made me realize that the feelings I had towards myself weren't wrong feelings. If it makes sense to anyone, I felt like I could have known that my step-father, Duel, was a habitual child abuser. I was NOT the first, I found out, but I made sure that when word of mouth in a small community got out, that I was definitely the last. May God have mercy on his soul, because I sure as Hell didn't. Now, not even the postman will acknowledge this 25 year molester when they pass each other on the road. I forgave him only to God because it is right, but I will never forget the familiar signs of a child abuser in Arkansas. -- Amber Lynn

I love this site. I came here because a friend found it and knew that I was making a site to help survivors of abuse. The "Wall" was overwhelming to me. Actually made me cry, which is something in itself. I hope you don't mind, I added a link to this site from mine, and if anyone wants to visit my site, you are more than welcome. Thank you Hope for that poem you added here, on page 10. Blessed Be to you all. -- Serenity_Unicorn
My Site: http://communities.msn.com/SanctuaryandSerenity

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!... if you repeat it enough times until it echoes in your head, then it's not happening..... At least not to you. -- Duchess

This is very hard for me to discuss. I've been trying so hard to find a way to reach out for so long. I am now 27 years old with a husband and a daughter. I have to do it for me and I have to do it for them. I was abused for years by two of my brothers. Finally, at eight I was able to stop it. How sad that all these years I've been living with this unable to speak to anyone about it. Since I've had my daughter, I've been really freaked out. I mean, she is this beautiful, innocent thing and I can't let this happen to her ever! Over my dead body! I want to find a way to heal. I want to be whole. It just all seems so complicated. I don't really know how to handle this. -- hurting

When I was 4 years old I only weighed 27 pounds and you could see every bone in my body. I was sexually abused by my stepfather and my mother stayed with him after I got removed from their care. -- 27pounds@4yrs old

My abuse was beatings, burnings (cigarettes), verbal and emotional abuse by my mother from age 1 1/2 on, and sexual abuse by my father from ages 1 1/2 -about 4. My father started beating me and throwing me against walls, etc. when I was about 4 but he would try to put his hands in my crotch or breasts all my life. He beat me until I left for college at age 18. My mother got cancer which she refused to let a doctor treat. I was forced to care for her while I watched her body literally rot. I have told my story a lot but I still dissasociate a lot and have almost no sense of who I am. -- Kriss

anneelana, I have no pity for the abuser. To me they are killers. They destroy the life the victim had a right to live. It is gone forever. -- hate_myself

My sexual abuse was by my druken father. Started from when I was 9 until age 14. Very brutal. Got hushed and put under the rug. I am now a grandmother, with the appearance of a very successful life, drinking too much in the darkness and still in a lot of pain. The tears are comming so I am going to stop. -- Anon

tonight is the four year anniversary of my girlfriend leaving me. tonight is also the night i will kill myself. i have always told myself that suicide was the fearful man's way out but i was never in that position. i no longer have a meaning to live. -- patrick

I am a survivor in the middle of the healing process. I was sexually abused by my father when I was a young child. I blocked out these memories because I had no choice, no one to go to. When I was 13, memories started coming back. I have been depressed. -- Hope

I too was a therapy abuse survivor. I was raped by my therapist. I am a disabled disability activist. My site reflects that. My Site. A woman friend whose also an abuse survivor has a site at http://appellcore.terrashare.com//dd.htm Warmest wishes to all survivors everywhere. -- Lynda

I am doing an ISU project for school and i was wondering if anyone would like to share their story through me with my class. I know how hard it would be writing it but their doesn't have to be a name on it. I just thought that if my project could help one person in my class from being assaulted then my project would be worth it. -- Dawn Marie

what my brother did! my father died when i was 10. i was hurt and very scared. my brother thought he would ease the pain. he made me have sex with him. he was nearly fifteen. this went on for nearly three years. -- joey

i am 25, and although i remembered my father molesting me when i was 16 years old, it has taken me this long to acknowledge that it was incest. i have been frightened and so ashamed that i was unable to even say the word before. but now i feel like i have... i am no longer ashamed. i don't care who knows. it was not my fault. this is a silent epidemic. and i refuse to remain silent, out of fear, robbed of my girlhood, against my will. i have no compassion and no sympathy for molesters.-- enraged

I'm a 48 year old woman that has been told all her life that she has a creative imagination. In other words a liar. I just found out this weekend that I'm not. I have been sexually abused as well as mentally and emotionally and physically. I don't know what. I felt so bad about all of the shit that had happened to me I have never really known self worth. I would really like to know what it feels like to have someone in my life love me in spite of myself. Every time in the past when someone would get close I would.. the soiled, spoiled, lieing child that I was. Now I know that I'm not a spoiled, soiled, lieing adult what do I do and when do I go to start my life all over again? And do I really need someone else in my life to do it? Yes but just friends.......I don't know. -- I wonder

i am 16 years old. i am a survivor also. i was molested for about four years by my grandfather. then iwas molested by a man in a store who i did not know. i am facing the pain everyday especially since my mother tries to deny it happened i tried to tell. --alexis

Hello...my name is Jess. It's not me that was abused, but my 14-year-old boyfriend; by his father. I found out about the abuse in late October, when he came over to my house with a black eye and welts on his back. --Jess

I was abused when i was a young girl and my sisters where to ... I went for help and continue to receive help.. but now the help is to help me deal with the Physical, emotional and sexual abuse my husband did for 5 years to me. --Evelyn

i was sexually abused from the time i can remember until teenage years one of the men who hurt me is no longer able to remember the abuse, something i can never forget he has suffered a stoke, and now has alz.disease. --laura

i dropped my cousins off at the airport tonight and one of them had a keychain that said "i was just sitting here walking" and all of a sudden i just thought of it. except for me, it should read 'i am just sitting here running'. --Teresa

For a year I had a relationship with my teacher. It started when I was 15 and ended when I found out that he was coming onto my friend and trying the same things with her. He's not at the school anymore, but he lives in my town. -- Holly

please don't let him hurt me again! i'm so afraid he's going to rape me again and then kill me, or abduct me and torture me and hold me hostage for a long time. no please don't let this happen, i only tried to be his friend but he keeps on hurting me. --so SCARED!

Cory Hang in there!! You are not alone. I bet you everybody has felt alone at one point in time. I too have felt that many of times. When I was in my teens I was very much alone and felt the way you did but as I got older I developed friendships. --Debbie

Hello Survivors! Well I too I guess can say I survived or should I say I am in the healing process. First of all I like to acknowledge to those who are still waiting for the acknowledgement of their pain I am here to do just that and more. --Debbie

my first memories of the abuse were from 3&a half. It stopped at about five when we moved. I found this and would like to share it "It's ok to grieve it's ok to cry it's ok to heal it's ok to laugh." I used to think I would never laugh again. --megs

Hi everyone, I am working on a solution to enable more lengthy posts on the wall. As an alternative, feel free to email me your post. Be sure to include subject line "post to the wall" so that I will recognize it. It may take me a few weeks to put it up. -- FreeToBe

Hello, I am a teen and I was molested when I was around 6 years old. I don't know the name of the person. He was a middle aged Mexican yard worker. It only happened once but it haunts me every day... anyone with similar experiences please email me. Email Me

for many years i have lived with abuse behavior from others who say they care. A few people have tried to help me, but I myself was very confused as to why? Why do people hate me so? What can I do to change? Who I am so that they can appreciate me. The only thing for me to do run, run, run yet I sit here allowing them to continue to cause me grieve. The other part of me feels that they are trying to help me. I just cannot accept it because I can only think one way. Most of my life I depended on me to help fight my battle. Someone is helping me and I want to say Thank you. It hurts but it is helping If you feel lost, hurt and confused, Remember that YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS. Change the feeling by walking, taking a good hot bath, doing something for others, drink something warm. This will help you take your mind off your problems. Write down your feelings. Remember you are not alone. There are millions of peoples with the same feels. It could be someone sitting next to you, a teacher, doctors, preacher, police officer the list goes on. You are not alone. You must release the pain and move on. Help yourself because you is all you have. You deserve the right to live and be free of pain. If someone hurt you in the past, you are continuing the hurt by not letting it go. Free your mind. Open your mind. Think of the things that makes you happy. Don't tell the story to many times, looking for a should to cry on. Look at yourself! Look at yourself! you are unique. This is your life. Do what will bring out your best attributes. Do be a shame. You are not responsible for other action. Just your own. To seek friends, just smile, and people will smile back. Frown and they will turn the other way. Not that they don't care but because, they don't know you to help you. Have you ever watch someone cry? Do you feel their pain? No you don't. Well that is why only you can heal your pain. Keep search for thing that make you happy. Trust me you will love you so much people will look at you with a smile and say Wow! He/She is surely happy! Did he win the lottery. -- Anon

HI IM 24 , AND I'VE BEEN SEXUALLY IT AWAY , I JUST SAID IT 8 MONTHS AGO TO A FRIEND , AFTER THAT TO MY AUNT , AND THEN TO MY MOM , IM STILL CONFUSE NO ONE LET ME REALLY TALK ABOUT IT , AND I THINK ITS A BIG INFLUENCE IN ALL MY LIFE NOW , IM GETTING KIND OF CRAZY NOT UNDERSTANDING MY SELF IM A MALE , AND I EXPERIENCE MY SELF HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR ALONE SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A GIRL AND I HATE IT (NO OFFENCE , IM SORRY IF i offend anybody) AND I WANT TO BE A MAN ALWAYS , BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE , I ACT OR TO TOUGH OR TO DELICATE , AND ALWAYS ACTING I GUESS , AT THIS POINT OF MY LIFE IM SO CONFUSE , EVERY DAY I JUST SAY HANG IN THERE , I BELIEVE IN GOD AND HE SAYS TO FORGIVE , AND I TRY BUT NOW I JUST WANNA KICK HIS ASS SO BAD , I WISH ILL SEE HIM , THANKS FOR LISTENING WHO EVER IS THERE . -- Jim

hello. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is into that porn thing. I know most males are. But here's the deal....it really hurts me so bad. My rape aniversitys coming up and everything is much more difficult to handle. But he looks up that teen porn. There are so many issues i have about that. First off i was just a teen when my father raped me. And i think most females would agree that they feel less attractive. Like your not good enough so they need to look at a bunch of other little girls pussys. I want to not have sex with him but i'm too scared not to. I feel like shit. I lay there and go through the motions just so he want leave me. I'm his real pussy when the pic's aren't enough. If i just stopped sleeping with him them i think our relationship would crumble. Even if its only 2 x's a mount if that. I don't think it could survive with out it. That can be partly from my past as well. My father and my relationship stopped when i testified and put him into jail. ... I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. You know he would be so mad if i did shit like that. So why is it something i should just accept? Sorry if i offended anyone out there. I just feel so hurt. If what happened with my father wasn't enough ..I feel like its happening all over again. Thanks for your time. If there is any one out there that has similar feelings then please do email me.

Hi, my name is rosie and i am survivor of child sexual abuse. I was abused by my step-father for about 13 years. i believe it began around the age of 5 and continued until about the age of 18 when i left for college. two years ago, around this time of th year, i was at an aunt's house ..the phone rang and i answered. It was a lady from child protective services wanting to speak with may aunt about my younger cousin. Right away I knew what it was about and i felt my heart race. i looked at my cousin and aw my own sadness reflected in her face and i wondered how did i not ever notice. foolishly enough, all this time i believed i was the only one he was doing this to. The lady on the phone asked to speak with my aunt, i told her that she would have to spe k with me, since my aunt's english wasn't very good, and that i would relay the message. The lady said that my cousin had confessed to being sexually molested by her uncle, my step-dad. I relayed the message and at the same time added my own story. U until then, i had only been thinking of when would be the best time to break down the news to my mother, but had never really found the guts to do it. That is, until my 13 year-old cousin opened the door and with guts or no guts i just could not hold it n anymore. After being up all night crying and screaming and painfully telling and re-telling my story to different police officers who dragged me along the impossible journey of recalling exact times and dates and details, i drove 6 hours to finally break it down to my mother. The only thing worth recalling from that night was that just as always, and maintaining our life-long mother-daughter tradition, as far as she could go in consoling me was to just barely stroke my hand, look me in the eye and say please tell me it's not true". That night, she slept in her room and i slept in mine, alone and scared. With my step-father out of the picture i thought that those feelings would go away, and that i would get from my mom the love and attention i so desper ately needed. but i'm still scared and still alone. And now i have this new found anger towards my mother because she still chooses to pretend the abuse didn't happen and because she pretended she didn't know when it was happening. Right now i am at a overwhelming struggle between doing what is "right" and look after my mother, or completely turn my back against her and ignore her and pretend nothing is happening to her just like she did with me for so many years. i know these are two extremes, and therefore not either are a viable solution, but how do i go about finding a middle ground? If anybody read ALL of this, thank you for taking the time. -- Rosie

Hear, hear! Where is there any help at all for the offenders? I am so sick, sick, sick of the vengeful, hateful, malicious approach to dealing with the offenders! These men are often our fathers or brothers or uncles or even our own sons! What are we supposed to do? Forsake them? Forget them? What if you were a girl raised by her father and when you were 14 he took inappropriate liberties? Well, sure, lock him up. But then what? That girl was raised -- lovingly, carefully, caringly - by that man, and now he's got no one, just a family of indignant biddies who were never around when she needed them her entire life. But boy, they sure are ready to see him locked up forever! What if your brother assaulted your sister? Are you supposed to take sides? Okay, he does time, but when he's ready to get out, then what does the family do? What if you were the VICTIM, but the offender was no one-dimensional monster to you? There was more to your life with him than abuse. And you want to repair and renew your relationship with a man who was a great and important part of your life??? No way! Everyone treats you like YOU are a pervert for even missing him! Who takes care of the offenders and their families? Who takes care of the secondary victims who want to help both offender and primary victim. It's such a desert of information. Can't anyone offer any hope???

HELP! Where is the help for the abuser? Getting away from the abuser is good, but what happens to him (me) then. If the abuser isn't dealt with in a compassionate, caring way, he will do it again (somewhere else). I want to change, but how? I have 6 years clean and i became complacent. how do i change my controlling ways? how do i get my family back? I love my wife and kids. and i abused them. they left. i want them back, but how can i make myself safe for them? then, how can i prove to them and me that i am safe for them? -- Sal

Cory, I know there are mean people out there - but, there are also some great ones too. You'll see. Please keep writing and let us know how you are! -- Car

HI Cory Jones, please hang in there. Your not alone. -- Email Me

I know this sounds kind of weird coming from me but by the time i get to the age of 18 or 20 i will have probably committed suicide. Life is pointless and are the people in it whom make fun of you cause you wear glasses or your not good enough for sports or all you do is play games and don't socialize enough. My entire life is based on boredom and sadness. When i moved to Illinois i thought i could live happy and make fiends, but i guess i was wrong. Now every day when i get home from school all i do is p ay games. I keep telling myself that i would love to design games and move to Japan to work for Nintendo or maybe Microsoft. As far as everyone else is concerned i can just die or rot to death in my home where i spend most of my time. For now i guess i will just stick with games but its very sad to know that i will die at the age of 18 or 20. Some of you might be thinking that why cant this kid go out and make friends. If only you knew how hard it is to just step out of my house you would think twice. So i guess i'll go play my N64 or play my comp. If you respond to this it will really make my day. For you will be my only friends. Well thanx for your time i know you have it, as for me i'm just a waste -- Cory Jones

Will the last time i wrote i said that i had finally meet mr. Wonderful....Wrong. people have said that after being abused the victim tends to look for relationships with similar qualities. I thought that my b/f was a really nice guy. He was a RN and in the beginning showed he loved me. But i recently discovered that he is addicted to drugs and porn. i think he might even be stealing from the local hospital where he works. And for the past 6 months he has been getting very verbally and mental abusive to me. what really sucks is that i love this guy and i'm scared to be with out him. for some reason when he's around i'm not so scared that my dad will come back and hurt me again. but i have 2 kids one of them is my 6 month old daughter. what is most important is that they are safe. And not only are the drugs bad but he looks at teen porn all the time. i know its a guy thing but he is abused with it. I was just a teen when my father raped me. I don't know if i can trust him. i love him even tho things are bad. i'm holding on to a thin shred of hope that he can get better. He finally agreed to go to couples councling.i cry myself to sleep every night praying that thing will get better and we will be the family i hope for. please keep me in your prays if you can. thank you for listening. Kate

well first off i'm a survivor of 7 years of abuse and i can honestly say that as of today i feel pretty good about myself even though in the past year i've gone through quite a few difficult situations. i quess i'll start with the f st version of those 7 ears of excuse me hell. i met my abuser, boyfriend, lover, father of my 2 sons in aug92 and 4 months later i got punched for the first time ever and i was naive and believed i'll never do it again, from then on the abuse happened frequently more emotional and verbal than physical until after the birth of my first son then it was a 24-7 kind of type thing and i was degraded had no self-confidence respect for myself always felt like why was i chosen to go through this. the one thing that i didn't do was keep it hidden, or let him get away with it, since 92 up until the present, i have put him in jail/prison 5 times with the last time being for 5 years, and i did the taking him back thing but when he had my kids taken from me because he was going back for 2 ye rs, and i entered a recovery home for my drug addiction that's when i finally realized that i don't deserve to be treated like a rag doll. i have and still am dealing with the emotional scars but the hardest scars are the ones that will never go away, the ones on my back from where he bit me and threw scissors at me as i was trying to leave, the burn scars from the iron, my constant reminders of his love. i have gone on and try not to look back at those days because i have forgiven him because if i don't i' the one miserable with all that hate and anger, and he isn't worth holding on to it. it has been hard to do it alone, single-parent, trying to support and raise my two sons, but i wouldn't trade my being alone and single for 7 more years of hell. so ever time i think back to when he'd say i wasn't worth going to jail/prison, i have to admit a smile comes across my face. so as of now and in the future i'll be forever struggling to raise my sons with the morals of respect and never hit a woman no matter what she does. well actually i feel a lot better to have shared some of story, because there are not to many i can talk to without them saying well at least your a lot smarter now. thank you for letting me share. -- April

I stumbled on to this website, sort of by accident. Well - I guess this wasn't really an accident. It's been a long time since I have talked about my healing journey and where it has taken me, and I guess that I am looking for a p ace to write down some of my thoughts. I was abused by my step-father from the time I was about 8 until I was about 14. It was a terrifying, confusing, soul shattering time in my life. I look back on that wounded little girl and I wonder how I got to where I am today. My story came to light when my step-father died, and my two older sisters accused him of sexually abusing them. I remember just wanting it all to go away. It didn't, and I guess I am glad of that. I have been on this journey now for about 8 years. My goodness I feel old. I started with an individual counselor. I was lucky to find someone I clicked with right away. And - he was a man. I think for me that was a good thing too. It made me realize that not all men were like my step-father. After I finished with my counse or I started doing some volunteer work at a local agency for survivors. I evenutaly became a group facilitator and then a speaker for the agency. I spoke to organizations across the region I was from. There were nights I would come home and just wee from the sheer enormity of the things I had shared. There was a time in my life that I thought I would only ever be a "survivor." I spent so much of my time completely bogged down in all of it, trying to find a way to live with what had happened to me. Gradually, and with a lot of hard work and support f om some truly amazing people, it got better. Eight years later, I am living and working in a city I love, doing a job I love, and living with a man I love and respect. There are literally weeks that go by where I don't think about it. Then there are times when I am almost knocked over by the power of the memory. I have come to accept that I will always be a survivor. A survivor that is doing so much more than just surviving. It is possible to get through this. Even when it is so dark and overwhelming you can't imagine being a place in your life where it isn't he only thing you think about. It can get better and we all deserve to feel the sun on our faces and the serenity of our souls finally at peace.-- Stephanie

I am a survivor. I am 15 and was raped since I was 9. 2 months ago I finally told. It was right after it happened for the last time. They took DNA from my rapist (my 20 year old cousin) and I. But it has been at least one and a half months since it happen and the results still aren't back. I am scared and confused but i just hope my family will still love me no matter what happens. I just want every survivor to known that it is hard but life gets better. Since I told I have a closer relationship to God and my mom, dad, and brother. If you every want to email me at anytime I would like to talk to other survivors. -- Carly

why does it take so long to heal?? one tiny bit of pain, betrayal, and hurt and it lasts for ever. i am having trouble dealing with the fact that it will never go away. it will always be there. how do you deal with it? i don't know hat to do. i am so tired, so very very tired of living with it constantly. i am constantly fighting a battle with very few tools that are useful. why did it happen to me?> why does it happen to anyone at all??? i think no matter what, i will always feel this way. no matter how much 'professional' counseling i do, it will never stop. it will always be there in the back of my mind taunting me. i hate him, i hate what happened to my body, what happened to my spirit. all because he wanted to have a good time. thanks a lot. -- Teresa

When I was 17 I met who I thought was Mr. wonderful. He was my first boyfriend and the guy that i gave my virginity to. Mr. Wonderful only lasted for the first couple of weeks. Then he started using drugs. First came the isolation from my friends and family, then came the verbal abuse and finally the physical abuse. I thought if I loved him hard enough he would change...WRONG! I was all alone with no one to turn to. I stayed with him for almost a year. At one point things got so bad his mother, his brother and his brothers girlfriend confronted him about how he hit me. They told him that I was so little and that whether he knew it or not he was hurting me. That should have been my warning sign to run, but I stood up for him and stayed. I guess that is why I still feel the guilt and shame because I tell myself that I should have ran, I should have known that things could only get worse....but sometimes running is the hardest thing to do, especially when you have no one to run to. The night before h left me, we went to the movies...I was planning on leaving (finally getting out even though I had no idea how) him because the bruises on my legs made me realize I had to get out. Afterwards we went to his home...before i had a chance to talk I was date raped. I remember shaking my head and repeating the words no over and over. There was nothing I could do. I laid there helplessly and for an instant I felt as if I left my body and was watching this horrid event from across the room. Afterwards he rolled off of me and told me to go to the bathroom and clean up. When I came out he gave me a hug and told me that i knew that he would never hurt me. Like those words where suppose to make it all better. I was in shock...again i should have ran, but instead we went to Dennys and shared an ice cream sundae. Who does this? The next day he would have nothing to do with me. I was totally alone but this time I had the guilt and the shame that went along with the rape. It has been five years and the pain is still there....is there any hope that it will ever end? -- Kristen

Hi, I am a senior and was molested when I was a freshman. I really liked my boyfriend that did this to me and thought that what he did was "one of the many things that girlfriends and boyfriends do together" so even though I didn't like it I let him do whatever. I broke up with him, but felt all alone so came back and was messed with again. I'm telling this story because I know that for a long time I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I mean I wasn't raped so there couldn't be d mage right? Wrong...Since then I have had only one boyfriend and the others that I dated along the way-well I every single one of them had their hearts broken by me. I dated some of the best guys around, but because of being molested, any time a guy would get serious with me an get anywhere near something physical-I ran. I dumped them without remorse and without an explanation. They didn't deserve it and I still care for the most recent guy. The problem is that I can't get any where near a relationship because all relationships at least want to hold hands and kiss...I can't even kiss a guy because of the damage done inside. I'm terrified to let anyone in and I fear that I'll never get over this. If you have gone through something that you felt wasn't right, or you didn't like it put an end to it. Take care of yourself because no one else will. If you have been hurt-get help. Don't keep it inside. Look what it did to me...and many people have it worse. If you want to talk or have advice email me. I'm praying for you all. -- Adriana

I just started therapy last month. Yesterday, a new, old memory cam rearing its head up - I covered my eyes tight as if I could blind my minds eye. I don't know why God allows such things to happen to anyone. I want to be healed I don't want to alienate my husband with this ordeal, I am tired already, and realize that I retreat into the world of book reading as a solace from the Truth. Perhaps I can start a survivor group in my church. -- new lens

When I was 13 I was in a new school, had a hard time making friends, and was befriended by my language arts teacher. He was very attentive, always telling me how much he cared. My parents were indifferent, absorbed in their own lies, I was mostly an inconvenience for them. This teacher took me to his home, made me feel like part of his family, but not really. He was efficiently isolating me from everyone, repeatedly telling me that my parents did care, but he did. When I was 14 he raped me, all the t me telling me how much he loved me and how much I liked it. His abuse continued for over a year, until my parents found out about our "relationship". Their reaction was to blame me, to assume that I was adult enough to have made a conscious choice to be his sexual partner. Not once did they ever ask if I'd said, "no". I did, many times. I have been in therapy for many years, off and on, to deal with the after-effects of a sexually abusive older brother, neglectful parents, and the trauma of my favorite teacher's rape. I'm fortunate, I have a wonderful husband, and a fantastic counselor o help me through this process. But what I'm searching for is the knowledge that I'm not alone. I need to know that others out there were once abused by their teacher. It has taken me over two decades to even call what he did rape, it wasn't violent (much), and I went back to him time and again out of severe loneliness, which has caused me unlimited guilt. If you have experienced teacher abuse, please email me. I'd like to talk to someone who understands. Thank you. -- Deb

I know I have no room to say much, because a lot of u have had it a lot worse than I have, but in my mind, I know I've had it pretty $hitty. I've been sexually abused many times, but that was a long time ago, and i've taken that time to get over it. But for right now i'm dealing with getting over a domestic abuse problem. .I'm only 16 years old and I'm severely emotionally traumatized by an abusive relationship. I was with him for a year and a half. I gave him my virginity, he asked me to marry him, I though we were sooo in love, u know, the whole 9 yards. He had almost always been very controlling, I was hardly allowed to have any friends at all, and the ones i did have i could only talk to on the phone, when he knew about it. I "was so in love with him" that I couldn't leave him, ever. he started hitting me, and pushing me around, slamming me into things, and stuff like that. after he learned that that was working he got worse, 1st he'd pick me up and slam me on the ground, knocking the wind outta me (once f r wanting to wear a long skirt), try breaking my hand, but stop b4 i started to scream from the pain, he'd choke me until I passed out... this entire summer i couldn't wear T-shirts, because my upper arms were completely covered in bruises, there wasn't a single part of my upper arm that wasn't purple and brown. It was humiliating, people gave me funny looks cause i was walking around in 100 % whether wearing big baggy, long sleeved clothes. anyway, so he basically made my life a living hell for a long time.. U till about 2 1/2, 3 months ago (i'm not sure, i don't let myself think about it long enough to figure it out.) when he flat out beat the shit out of me for the 1st time... The night b4 he got arrested for assaulting his sister (what a winner, eh?) and he aid he'd call me asap, or have someone get a hold of me and let me know what happened, so i bawled that whole night (cause i thought the reason he got in a fight her in the 1st place was because of me, not because he and his family are psychotic) and the next day. and he never called me, i didn't know if he was in jail or what, i had no idea what was goin on, but i couldn't handle sitting at home wondering, it was killing me, i had to get outta the house, so i called my best friend and we went over to my guy friends house, (which was normally ok with him because he trusted this guy) but his really cute brother was o er there too. (he said that had nothing to do with it, but i know it had everything to do with it) Anyway, At about 8:00 that night I see him flying down the road in his friends pick up, and he jumps outta the truck b4 his friend even stops. even when i 1st heard the truck down the road i knew what was coming. he got out and looked at me with those eyes, that look he always got when it was gonna happen. but it was worse this time, and it terrified me. He told me to come with him behind the house and i said no. he drug me back there anyway. he started smacking me repeatedly, not even letting me speak. my face started to go numb, i could hardly talk. I was sobbing. I told him I loved him and he hit me even harder. I told him it was over, he hit me even harder and told me if i ever talked like that again he'd kill me. he head butted me so hard i had a goose egg an inch and a 1/2 off my fore head, it almost knocked me out. after he had beaten the shit outta me. he grabs me by the throat and says these worse "that's it you're gonna die....how does it feel to die?" those last 6 words messed me up worse than any of it. . . He told me later that he lost it and he doesn't even remember any of it, but that's bull. He looked sane when he did it, he didn't look nuts like he used o. he looked normal, like he didn't care... When i woke up i was lying on the ground and i didn't know where i was or what happened, i looked up at him and it took me about 30 seconds to figure out who he was. I started breathing again and everything came into focus, but i still didn't know what'd happened. I started sobbing and asked what had just happened. he started crying and sat down by me. thats when i remembered what happened. he bawled and told me to kill him, that he didn't deserve to live, i told him it was over and to stay away from me for ever. he didn't. the next day he called me to apologize.... i took him back. 3 days later he hit me again I'm now living 350 miles away from him. after i dumped him he begged me to take him back 3 times, i said no. the day b4 i moved here we talked for the 1st time since we split up. i cried, he bawled, he said he missed me and was so sorry and wanted me back in his life forever, blah blah blah. i said i i was sorry, that it couldn't happen. that was the last i've seen of him for about 2 months. I've never been more proud of myself. But i'm not happy. by far. i pretend i am though, i hang out with my friends all t e time, i'm always the life of the party, i have a lot of friends. People would say I'm over what he did to me. But i'm not. Im not suicide anymore, but i still have no self esteem and am still trying to deal with the pain he put me through. this is the 1st time ive admitted this to even myself, but i think part of me still loves him. I need help to get over this, but i don't know who to turn to. My parents would flip out for not telling them, then just use it against me like everything else, and end up blaming it on me. and i really don't need all that to add to it. i have friends that would be there for me, but i'm afraid that if i start admitting that i'm not over it i'll start getting more depressed and more depressed... who should i turn to? I don't know hat to do... please help me.. I'm sorry this was so long, u didn't hafta read it, i just had to get all this out 4 the 1st time. thank u for your time... email me if u wanna talk or something. thanx. --. ~angie

I am the victim of abuse by my brother. Only by God's healing power am I going to be all right. It has taken me a very long time to heal. I was four or maybe even younger when it started, and it didn't stop until I was thirteen. I guess he didn't want me pregnant. I still don't talk to him or my parents very much. My parents don't know what happened to me and would either disown me, ignore it, or call me a liar. It's sad that I can't trust my own family. I have had a lot of support from my former youth pastor and h s wife plus a lot of support from another lady in my church. My husband has really been supportive through all the fears and nightmares. I feel like I have been incredibly lucky for all of the support, but I know that Jesus is the only one who can ever really heal you. Knowing Jesus is the only reason I never became promiscuous and married the man that I did. I have thought about getting counseling to be able to confront my brother and to tell my parents. I know that I don't want him to do to someone else wha he did to me. Thank you. -- Marge

Hello: I was at your website and found it rather interesting and very informative. I have a book that just came out last week and is doing very well here in the United States. The following is information on the book and contact numbers if you would like to co tact me. You have my permission to pass this information on to others if you would like. I was a 5 year old boy when the United States Social Services decided to put me in a foster home. I was raped and abused there for over a year. The book speaks of those issues and how I dealt with the emotions of its after effects as I grew up. The book can be ordered at the publisher's website at "iuniverse.com" and soon at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.com with this ISBN: 0-595-12949-8. Thank you very much for your time and even more for your work and effort in helping abused children. I wish you and yours the best of life. "From Fear to Hope & Back Again" by Jose G Acosta A collection of poetry set in sequence telling a story. The story of a child that was raped (sexually abused being to kind of a phrase) and physically abused at the age of five in a foster home. After being returned to his paternal family he experienced he darkness of poverty, family alcoholism and tragedies. The poems reflect how those events formed the character of this child. Powerful writings that come from the memories of this child. Emotions from fear, to hope and even love are dealt with compassionately. Romance and love are met with caution and the flashbacks of the abuse are as strong as the events themselves. Even after 35 years, a name, a scent, or a song trigger the devastating memories to reduce a man to become a child once more. With a passion for life no one can deny, this child learns about hope and thrives to succeed. This book takes you on a roller coaster of emotions, each dealing with an event in the person's life. This is a true story. This book cannot only be read it can be felt. Jose G Acosta, the author was born in Las Cruces, New Mexico in January 1959. The sixth of twelve children. The hardships of poverty placed him in a foster home at the age of five. After over a year he was reunited with his paternal family. Excelling in academics through out his school years he received three academic scholarships to attend New Mexico State University in the engineering programs. Shortly after he joined the United States Navy and served proudly for over 19 years before being medically discharged. Currently an engineer, conducting research and analysis for military training. He used writing as therapy and "From Fear to Hope & Back Again" will be the first time his family is told of the events of his childhood in the foster home. ISBN: 0-595-12949-8 $9.95 U. S. / $15.95 Canada September 2000 Published by Writers Club Press Address: iUniverse.com, Inc. 620 North 48th Street, Suite 201 Lincoln, Nebraska 68504-3467 The author: Jose G Acosta Orlando, Florida 407 249-2488 ext 18 -- Jose G Acosta Visit Me Email Me

I don't generally consider myself a survivor, but I am one. I am 18 years old and it has been 11 years since I was sexually abused, though only a month since I was verbally abused. My stepfather made my life hell. I told my mother what happened only a few weeks ago and because of this, the police can't do ANYTHING for me. I can't prosecute that bastard because of the law. Because of the statute of limitations. Damn the police. Damn the laws. They ALL suck. Because even though the law has been changed, it doesn't work in reverse and thus, I can't do anything. Do I deserve no retribution? I've been mistreated for years and now that I am an "adult" there is NOTHING I can do about it. Listen up, people, you HAVE to do something about abuse. It just eats you up inside and makes you angry. FIGHT BACK and be strong. I wish I had fought harder and been stronger. REGRET is the worst feeling in the world. Much love. -- Visit Me XSarahX

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