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Hi all-I was abused by my brother at 9. I confronted him on Jan 31st of this year. He said I was lying and that I was making it up. My sister said I was lying to so my parents and I are not speaking to them. I didn't think the abuse and any affect on me. B t I was always angry and crying for no reason. I would never socialize either. My jobs suffered as well. So that's my story thanks for listening-- Laura aka tornadoe

Hi I'm 22 years old, I was raped a few years ago. I've dealt with it the best I know how. I am now in a loving relationship with a wonderful guy. We've been together for 9 months but he has no idea what I went through. I don't know how to tell him or I should ever tell him. I feel like I'm keeping this big secret from him but I'm afraid if I tell him he might look at me differently. If anyone has any advice for me I need it.-- BabyBluezz

Hi, I am 34. I am a survivor of physical and mental abuse by my mother and sexual abuse by my father. I have been searching for a way to talk to other people who have also been abused. I sometimes feel like there is no one out there who will understand my feeling. If you would like to talk about our past, please email me. -- Rebecca

I would encourage everyone to just ignore this person "Micky". People like that just try to incite others or draw them into an argument for the fun of it. This person does not deserve a reply from anyone on this list. The best way to treat people like this is to totally ignore them - in Psychiatry we call them Antisocial. You could feel sorry for them because they are usually so miserable themselves that they can only make themselves feel better by attacking others. So I implore everyone, to ignore this person completely and move on to others that are more important and deserving of your time. Remember every second of life is precious, don't waste it in a flame war with this person. From my experience on other sites, some people just sign on and make up stories to cause disruption, bad feelings, and in fighting among the others. May this person find peace and happiness in themselves and not depend on degrading others to have self-worth.-- Cary

Please forgive me for one more post. After reading my last one I just wanted to point out a few things. My road to recovery wasn't that easy (as it may sound in the post). I had two suicide attempts (one with an ICU stay) and one episode of self-mutilation. Along with all the other feelings that are usually associated with abuse: low self-esteem, emptiness, chronic depression and anxiety, flashbacks and body memories (even today). what I was trying to say is that even though these are present I have found a way to live my life anyway. More hopeful, joyful and future oriented. Don't get me wrong, I am not totally immune to occasional surprise attacks of abuse symptoms. But with help you can deal with them, learn to live "your life" (and not continue to give it to them). Basically there is hope and if you had enough strength to survive the initial abuse then you definitely have enough strength to deal with this (even at times when it feels like you don't). I can't stress enough having the right person to talk to. -- Cari

I wanted to post my response to one person here in the hopes that it may help someone (even if it is only one person). So here it goes. One thing I learned as both a survivor (see my comment below) and a Physician / Psychiatrist is that you can't quantit te sexual abuse and relate it to the degree of trouble it has caused in your life. It took me a long time to accept this, even as a Psychiatrist, I used to think: well they had it worse, what right do I have to feel like this. Every once in awhile those old false messages will pop back into my head and I have to catch them right away and negate them before they grow. All forms of sexual abuse is wrong, one is not more wrong then the other; there is not a set standard that says "okay this happened to you so this gives you the right to feel this amount of pain and suffering". Way too many factors are involved to even begin to list them - I'm talking about the way someone responds to abuse. One right off the top of my head is Trust and Support. If you were abused in any way (even if it was a brush of a hand lightly against your breast) you will have negative feelings about the incident (and maybe those feelings will be worse than so eone who experienced penetration). We all deal with our reactions to abuse and betrayal in our own way. We all have our own way of coping and expressing our pain. One is not more right than the other and one should never be compared with someone else's experiences and pain. You each are unique people and you feel an react to your nvironment in a unique way. There is no wrong or right about it. It just is. From my experiences as a Psychiatrist (and Survivor - sexually abused by both my grandfathers) I can tell you that you all are not alone, many of my patients and even myself h ve expressed feelings that we shouldn't feel the way we do. You all are not alone, no matter what your circumstance is or how unique it is. I hope this helps someone. You can heal from this and overcome it. You can choose your pain to work for you in wo ways. You can let it consume you and drag you into a downward spiral or you can choose to use your pain as positive energy to make changes in your life (sometimes hard changes - I had to work my way through college and medical school but I was determi ed not to have them take anything else away from me). So to make changes in your life that you want, do things that you want, rise above what was done to you. I am not saying by doing this you will forget the past - for I still remember it well, but I ha e chosen to not let it beat me because in that case then "they win". The best revenge is a "good life". I also did not do this all alone. I see a therapist weekly and stay on maintenance medications (again their are choices to be made here about priorities: what is more important, material possesions or a sense of well being. What I am trying to say is that my mental health / well being / life was most important to me, so I c oose to spend my money on therapy instead of replacing my 13 year old car without paint or live in a townhome instead of a house - I don't regret one bit these decisions). This has only served to enhance myself and not bring me down, I'm not ashamed to a mit what happened to me - it was not my fault even if at times it felt good (body's natural response to stimulation). I feel like having one hour a week with my therapist to talk about all my thoughts and feelings, helps me keep it out of the rest of the week, work, family and social life. It is like a one hour purge each week that I can look forward to. If thoughts come to me before the time for my appointment, I jot them down in my journal very quickly, put the journal away and get on with my weekly l fe. By doing that, I am not dismissing the importance of those feelings, I am just putting them in a safe place / saving them away for my weekly therapy session - I jot them down though because I believe they are important and I want to make sure I deal ith them in therapy and not forget about them. I hope this helps someone. Just to see how far you can come I want you to look at two websites (As I said before I was abused by both my grandfathers, one with animals - and struggled my way to the top on m own - my father was an alcoholic at the time: so I went out and found mentors and positive role models, which is something I think we can all benefit from): 1. http://doctor.medscape.com/carizanslermd 2. http://doctor.medscape.com/anthonyjohnsonmd (on this one scroll down the web page until you see my name and click on it). Best wishes to everyone going through this difficult uphill struggle. I hope you all will choose the Higher Road and Grow and Succeed. We have only one life to live, and the seconds pass by fast so I refuse to let those bas###ds take another second away from me. You are never alone, you just have to reach out - someone will always be there (and most importantly keep in mind it may not be the first person you reach out to so don't give up because of that, just keep on reaching and don't give up. (P.S. y interests and talents lie in medicine and science not in spelling or grammar so please forgive any mistakes). I apologize if this was too long, I am new to this. -- Cari

I am a 35 year old phsyscian who is dealing with issues of sexual abuse in therapy. I have spent hours on the internet and medical searches looking on information of childhood sexual abuse with animals. Not abusing animals but a relative who often included animals in the abuse of me. Anyone know where I can find more information on this. It was not ritualistic of satanic abuse, just a vulgar man. Any information would be appreciated. I am proof that you can overcome the affects of abuse. Although I stay on maintenance medicine and see a therapist weekly, I function very well in everyday life and have been able to excel in my career. thanks-- Cari

Hello. I am Beth, and I am 19. I was raped and sexually abused by a neighbor for years as a little girl. For a long time I did not think that it had any effect on my life, but I am beginning to see just how much it has changed me. I have been messed u my whole life. I have tried to commit suicide three times, and I have done an awful lot of self-harm in other ways. I have also had to fight against bulimia. Not easy! I know how much pain everyone is in, and how hard it is. But there are people who care about you. I am one of those people who can always see how special other people are, but can never see anything good in myself. I think I might as well be dead, most of the time. But I know that there are people out there, like all of you, who have survived things even worse than what I have been through, and that gives me strength. So if you are a survivor, never forget that you could be a huge inspiration to someone just like me. Anyway, maybe someday I will be happy again. I always wonder. An , with any luck, you will be happy someday soon, too. Try to keep your head up, and remember that YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!! -- Beth

Hi i'm Monique and i'm trying everyday to survive my sexual abuse. I'm 26 years old and it still hurts. I was abused by my best friends father as well as other people. I just wish I had someone to talk to that knows where i'm coming from. The memories, th fear, just trying to get through the day. Without hurting yourself or others hurting you. Please talk to me -- .Monique

Hi, I'm scared and basically don't know what to do. I've had a hell week. Start of last week, i started a week's trip on a cargo ship - with my parents. I looked forward to it, as we were the only passengers on board and i had my own cabin and heard that the crew were nice. The first night, i sat in my cabin and realised my Dad used to sexually abuse me until i was about 5. I found that too hard to cope with and couldn't stop being as depressed as i always am. Even though i was on holiday in my own locked cabin safe from them. Well, 3 days later, the cabin steward starting molesting me which happened till i got off at the end of the week and now i feel sooo bad and don't know what to do. He was in his fifties, with grey hair, a moustache and spoke only Italian. e knows my address, phone number and e-mail address too. I'm so scared and can't stop shaking or silently crying. Don't know what to do. Wish i was dead. sorry -- Ann

Hi , I don't know you and you don't know me. could we be writing exchange friends. I am an us citizen in the Netherlands. Lonely for English. I was raped repeatedly by a friend. A child was born and given up to a lovely family for adoption. This has happen five years ago. I have not received help but have been diagnosed with PTSS. If you need A buddy contact me. -- Kelly

Hi! Everyone! My names Britney, i'm 16 years old and i live in England. At the moment i'm living at home with my mum and her boyfriend Dean. I hate my mums boyfriend, he is really mean to me! He beats me up for no reason at all and on a night he comes into my room and has sex with me. It hasn't always been like this though! My dad used to live with us and i used to have great times with him, i was really, really close to my dad, then he ran off with another woman, i dont love him any less now that he has gone, but i do wish that he would come back home! As i said it hasn't always been like this i used to get on okay with my mums boyfriend, but then it all started to go wrong, this is how.... My mum works late nights about 4 sometimes 5 times a week, and me and my mums boyfriend used to get a video or sometimes two out from the video shop, crash out on the sofa and watch t.v all night. He used to sit on the sofa and i'd lie with my legs resting on his lap, we'd have a good laugh, order pizzas you know the whole thing! I'm gonna be totally honest with you all, i did flirt with him, but only cos he was my mums so i knew there was no way he would ever look at me! Plus he is totally GORGEOUS (and doesn't he know it!!) Real movie star looks (Picture Billy Zane, and youv'e g t my mums boyfriend!) No kidding!!!! Anyway one night we were lieing on the sofa as normal and we were watching a movie and suddenly i felt his hand up my skirt pulling at my knickers, i was quite shocked so i just looked at him, he smiled his REALLY sexy smile and said "Take them off!" I ju t laughed and said "Yeah right, like that's gonna happen!", and went back to watching the movie. A bit later he said again to take them off, then he bet me �30 i wouldn't take them off (and not being one to back down from a challenge) i did, then i sat back down on the sofa and carried on watching the movie! After a while i felt his hand, or more precisely his fingers 'down there' you know between my legs, and he said "Sssh, you'll enjoy it! I can guarantee it!" And he was right i did, so for the next couple of weeks every time my mum was working late that was how we were! Sometimes he did it soft and gently, other times he did it a bit harder and faster making me come! But it never seemed like it was a 'sexual' thing we were doing, cos when for example i'd come we'd just giggle and wipe it up then giggle about it some more! I know it seems really stupid to say it wasn't a 'sexual' thing but i don't know if you can understand me, but truly it wasn't!!! But then one night it changed, we were as normal laid out on the sofa with my legs on his lap, watching a movie, and him messing around with his hand 'down there'. Anyway he went off (to the loo, i think) and came back without his pants on which was fine cos i'd seen him with no pants on before, and he came back towards me and the sofa, but instead of sitting down on the sofa he got on top of me! I said "What are you doing Dean? Stop being so stupid! Get off me!" In what was supposed to be a jokey voice but i could hear the fear in it! Then Dean replied "Oh sweetheart, i think you know exactly what i'm doing!" Then he pushed my skirt up, obviously i had no knickers on, and forced his penis into me, i didn't know what to do i couldn't believe it was actually happening, i started bleeding straight away, he was so big and it was so painful i was screaming my head ff, but he just turned the volume up on the t.v so no one could hear me! He was doing it really hard and fast, and it lasted for a long time! To cut a long story short he sexually abuses me every night now, without fail! He's even had his mates round to rape me, they all took it in turns and they even had a video camcorder to film it! I hate Dean, i know it was wrong of me to flirt with him and i know it was wrong of me to let him touch me like that! And stupid not to expect him to want to take it further! But you've got to believe me i really didn't think that he would want to have sex with me, and i really didn't think that things would turn out like they have done! I'm really sorry for myself now! Please anyone could you give me some advice??? Or just someone to talk to!! I'd better go now, he hasn't been in yet tonight, and if he finds me writing this he'll strangle me!!! love and hugs x x x -- Britney

I feel like I'm not as good of a person as the rest of you. Everyone else seems to have been beaten up, had their life threatened, or had it done by a family member. I was raped several times by my (now) ex-boyfriend. He was my boyfriend at the time. feel responsible because I didn't leave him. I feel worthless and ugly and alone. Is there anybody else out there who had a similar situation? I hate being alone. -- I Have No Mouth But I Must Scream

Hi Everyone, This is really so difficult to think i'm telling this to a whole world of people, yet could not be honest and tell all to the ones who love me. I was sexually abused by my father for many years until I ran away. I spent many nights crying and feeling so ry for myself. That all passed and I was able to find the strength to not let memories over come me. This was at the age of 16. I am now going to be 26 in a few months and for the last five years I have been living with flashbacks that haunt me in the ost horrendous ways, while I am sleeping or when my fioncee is being affectionate. Last night was the last straw (for him or me...I don't know)...I lay doing homework as he was kissing me...i felt so disgusted and ran like a rabbit into the other room. his isn't the first time this has happened, but I have always just put it aside and lived. But it gets harder to do as the years go on...the feeling that you are not 'alright', 'perfect', or 'normal' weighs on my mind everyday. And now what I have gone hrough is hurting the one I love and want to marry...he can't possibly understand that it's not him that disgusts, but with no understanding of what is not helping him to feel any better. I've read the other writings on the wall and realized that what I m feeling and going through...so many of you are too...the feeling of just wanting to curl up and go to sleep forever seems the easiest solution when there seems no other...I could write forever...but this is a big step for me... just to write endlessly. I'm not sure if all of this makes any sense...but i'm sure that you all know that there isn't enough paper or time to lend that will allow us to speak or write it all. -- kolohe

Hi people. Thanx for reading this. I think I was sexually abused as a child by my mother or father. I say I think as I cannot remember exactly. I get so far and I can see/feel what is happening and then its like a curtain comes down and I can't remember anymore. As a teenager, I would sit and cut my wrists and arms...just to see myself bleed, to release the pain somehow. My parents used to physically beat me, strip me naked and push me out the front door (I would curl up on the doormat until they let me in ...this stopped when I was big enough to defend myself (about 14)I have since been in an abusive marriage which lasted ten years. I am now married to someone who I initially thought would never abuse me...guess what...when I was 7 months pregnant he start d. He physically, emotionally and sexually abuses me. The sexual abuse is the worst, with the physical abuse occurring very rarely. He constant harasses me and touches me...I am no longer interested in him sexually, but he forces himself on me. He violent y raped me once...anally...knowing that I had been raped that way as a teenager... Please email me if you have experienced rape in marriage or memory blocks regarding child sexual abuse...Thanks people -- Jessie

Hello out there. This wall is proof that we are not alone. I feel so many things at any given time. I was abused by my stepfather. I don't remember when it began exactly and I don't know when it ended. My memories were very foggy and now they are coming back tenfold. I do know I was very young because I can remember a few specifics. The memories have been really strong lately. Sometimes all I want to do is get the healing process going and other times I just want to curl up and go to sleep. -- Nina (Tenn)

i felt the sadness. except it wasn't me feeling it. it was someone else and i saw it, and felt just a tiny part of it. i feel that there is a smaller person inside me. like i'm a hollowed out shell of a person. and the person inside me is the one who feel all the pain. i just want to cry cause the pain is so extensive. it is just like a black hole inside of me and it just wants to pull me in. but i won't let it. i don't want to. it just hurts me so much that i want to cut my skin so that it gets out. I've already told people that i wont kill myself so i feel all that i can do now is just hurt myself physically so that i have a reason for feeling all this pain. and i don't want to bother my friends with all this. i don't need to be taking up so much of the time. i'm so tired, i just want to sleep forever. Teresa (USA)

I tell my story in the hopes that I can help anyone who might be going through the same thing to get out and stay alive. I know this may be long but please, be patient. If I can get away, anyone can. I was only 19 when I met my ex-husband and I was the center of his world. Little did I know that that was the beginning of his abuse, it was control. He flattered me and wanted to know what I was doing all the time. Said he couldn't bear to be away from me. He was military and got orders away from my ho town and asked me to come with him. I did. That was the worst mistake I could have ever made. I was young and naive and let him fool me into thinking he loved me. Once we got to Alaska, he started to be a little rough when he was angry. We were staying in a barracks style housing unit and he decided to install a deadbolt that was locked only from the outside. He said the Alaskan tundra was a dangerous place and I'd probably do something stupid so I should stay put. He even started to take the phone with him. I couldn't understand but he said it was for my own good. I'm gonna be brief to save time and space. Then he got orders to Washington state. The physical abuse got so much more intense. One day I answered the phone before it had rang enough times for the caller id to register that was the rule, let caller id pick up first) and he grabbed by hands and twisted until he broke both of my wrists. That was my punishment. He has broken all of my front teeth out. I suffered several miscarriages. Then once, I was 7 months pregnant and he got angry and started to beat me with a lamp cord. Well I started to have contractions. I ended up having a stillbirth a few days later. One night we were at his friends house and his friend told him that I was "a cutie." Well when we got home he told me that he knew I had done something to invite that kind of remark. Well he was gonna show me. He wanted to have sex and I didn't. There was never any consensual sex, hadn't been for a long time. Well, he decided he was gonna get it anyway. First, he raped me with a foot-long Louisville slugger that he had gotten at a baseball game. Then he decided to use a longneck beer bottle, but he was angry so h wanted it to hurt, like none of this had. He didn't take he twist off cap off of the bottle. He ripped me apart on the inside. He wouldn't let me go to the hospital for several weeks. Finally, I went to the doctor. Because of the damage, I had to have a hysterectomy. He wanted children so bad that he never forgave me for that. HE NEVER FORGAVE ME. There were a lot more beatings than usual now. Then one morning while i was cooking breakfast he called me to the basement. It was finished for his game room. When I got there he started to beat me and wrapped my wrists and ankles with duct tape. He told me that I was to stay there while he was at work. Without my knowledge he had installed a lock on the basement door. That day he was gone for about twelve hours. I'm diabetic so I have to use the restroom frequently. Since I couldn't get up and walk, I'd push myself off of the couch and have to relieve myself on the floor. He was furious when he saw the mess that night. This went on for almost ten months. He did stop taping me up though. One day I found a shotgun shell in the bedroom and decided that the next day when he locked me in the basement that I'd load one of his guns and meet him at the door. Well, I was so exhausted from all of the abuse that I fell asleep on the stairs by the door. When he opened the door, he had that bat, and saw me and hit me in the head with it. I rolled down the stairs and he cracked my skull as well as breaking many bones. That was the last day he ever saw me. The police took it from there. He spent eighteen months i prison for the things he did to me. It took me a long time to get my life back but I have done it. I am happy, healthy and in love now. My partner now is supportive of everything I do. I work with battered women, helping them get their lives back. I I can do it anyone can. Thank you for taking time to read this. I'm sorry it was so long. It has been a long road though.-- Syran -- Visit Me (Texas)

i feel so worthless, i feel so numb. i feel the panic but it isn't me that is feeling it. it is like ever since i started to go to therapy, i've been numb. nothing seems to bother me anymore. i know i hurt, and i know i want to d e. in any way possible rig ht now but i cant' do that- kill myself. because then it would just hurt so many other people who care for me. i don't' know why they care for me. they're stupid i guess. there's really no reason for them to care for me. but if i was to kill myself, then they'd probably blame themselves because they thought it was their fault. but it isn't their fault. the person who is at fault doesn't give a damn and so i just want to die because it hurts so much. - Anon (USA)

I am a Male Survivor of many forms of abuse. I am becoming a writer and speaker. Would like to know if anyone out there knows of places a person could speak. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I can provide references upon request.-- Elden P. Owens (USA)

My entire life I felt that I was worthless and deserved the abuse I took for 9 yrs from my abuser. I am trying to find peace and happiness for myself now. There are still times when the pain is excruciating! But I think of how I was before I started to actively heal and I am thankful for the change. Every survivor is exactly that, a survivor. The definition of survivor is one who makes it through. We all survived it. Now we need to find ways to heal and to help prevent others from this type of atrocity God Bless! - Julie (NY)

I spent my life pretending that none of it ever happened. At 38, alone and struggling, I realized that it had affected every facet of my life; my marriage, my relationships after my marriage, my friends and family, my ability to hold a job, my ability to curb my compulsive spending...everything. No cure was forthcoming, no moment of peace or time of quiet solitude. I've had some therapy but seek most of my release through my writing and going back to school. There have to be answers out there for us an I intend to find them. It may take me years to finish my degree and begin true "research" but for all of us that still feel the sting of their touch, I am fighting for us all. Write to me and talk to me, let me help myself and others if I can, we all a e in this together so one night, we can lay down, close our eyes and see something other than the shadows. -- AJ (USA)

it hurts. i want to die. i know that people have told me that i can rely on them, but i'm afraid to. how do you do it??? fran, you haven't bored me. take care all of you. we shouldn't have to feel the way we do. but we do. -- Teresa

I was sexually abused by my dad and brother--also physically abused. It all started at age 8. I learned quickly to hide or not show my emotions, and wore a mask to hide my emotions. Now i am 39, i do not feel or experience any emotions. I do not cry, aught or even have orgasms. i am married and i hate sex. I have an emptiness inside that will not go away. I hit and cut myself--punishing myself for my childhood. I am a very lonely person. I have started therapy-6 months ago---which is very slow in progress. I do not want to live, yet i don't want to die, i call myself the "undead". Hope i have not bored you. --Fran

how do you deal with the pain when it gets so intense? all i can think of are ways to mutilate myself or kill myself, all in hopes of ending the pain. please help me. it seems like all i can do is think of it. of it happening and happening all over again i've thought about calling for help, but i don't think it is necessary because i'm not in acute distress. does that make sense? someone, please email me asap. -- Teresa

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