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I won't say much.. I can't say much. How do you make that... hurt.. in your chest go away? All the time it drives me to think desperately of all the ways I could die.. then it would stop. Then I guess it wouldn't hurt anymore. I'm getting married soon . he tries to help me but it seems like he is only being harsh... trying to make me talk about what I don't ever want to talk about. We are making it pretty good, he is understanding, he knows because he has also been there.. but it seems to get harder e ery day, when he touches me.. when he whispers in my ear, when his face brushes mine.. I shudder inside and run away and then I hate myself for it. He says you have to let it hurt a little to get better... but I only want to forget, to run away. I want to be somebody else. -- Email Me

Hi everyone, my name is Vicky. I was raped, once again, three days ago. I am so very fearful and petrified of everything, now, and I so very dearly and desperately need for someone to write to me, and speak words of comfort and support, to me! I am so terrified, so utterly afraid, grief-stricken and saddened! Please, please, please God, someone help me, for I am desperately sad and lonely! I cannot stop myself from crying, nor trembling with fear whenever the memories overwhelm me, once more. I now ruly feel as though I am simply awaiting to be raped, once again. I have now been raped, three times, within this past year. Over the years, I have been beaten, raped and attacked on many more occasions. Please help me, someone, please! I am so sad, l nrly, and afraid, and I truly haven't any idea as to what I now should do. Please, please, oh please, someone help me! Love, -- Vicky

I was molested by my sister for 9 years. I hate her for that! She took away my childhood. I remember being about 3 years old the first time. I just remember feeling uneasy as she held me and touched me. It continued until I was 12. That was only because s e got married and moved out of the house. It was the happiest day of my life.. or I thought. I have another sister and she knew what was going on, but she refused to help. She used it to bribe me. You see I never thought that anything was really wrong with what was going on. That was until I was about 6 or 7 and I had heard for the first time about molestation. I wanted to tell my parents, but I didn't think they would listen to me. So my sister began to bribe me and I felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong. I didn't know how to make it stop. By the age of 10 I had gotten up the courage to tell...then I thought "How can I tell my mother and make her choose between her children?" At that point in time I decided to keep the secrets hidden. Today I speak to my abusive sister daily and it remains unspoken. My sister who refused to help I speak to her maybe once a month. You know who I blame the most for what happened to me? My mother! Now that I am a mother, I think how could she not have known? Why couldn't the person who gave me life...protect me! I have forgiven my sisters. Because I know that somewhere in another place and time they will have to stand and be judged by my heavenly Father. As for my mother...I have such rage against her and that hurts most of all. But it remains UNSPOKEN. My husband and my God are the only two who know. My husband has the shoulder I cry on when the pain is unbearable. My God holds my heart in his loving hands. He holds me together. -- Still unspoken

Hi. I guess what I want to say or need is that no matter what you have gone through, YOU can lead a successful life in the present and future. I am stronger due to my 14 years of abuse. Would not wish to change a thing about my past, for fear it would wea en me if I did. My past has made me the person I am today. I have worked through and dealt with many, many issues of my past, although there are a few "holes" I refuse to deal with till I am ready. That's what is neat..when I am ready, not when someone el e wants me to. Thank you. The healing process can be and often is long and hard, but please....STAY on the healing road. Once you start, don't cut yourself short. KEEP GOING!! You deserve to give yourself your dignity back. KEEP GOING!! NEVER STOP!! Most f all, I guess, is to KEEP FAITH. YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND NEVER WILL BE. It took me a long time to realize that one, but once I did, things got a little easier for me to deal with. Just don't give up, there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, we jus have to strive to get there to enjoy it. But the journey to it is well worth it. BE STRONG and always remember one thing, it helped me: WINNERS NEVER QUIT AND QUITTERS NEVER WIN!! I am a survivor, a proud one at that. I wanted to quit so many times on my healing journey, but ventured further anyway. I am glad I did, each day is a new dawning, a new awakening, and also a facing of yet another detail I must struggle through my day with to heal and be ME!!! Thanks. -- Mrs. Shelly -- Visit Me

I guess I just wanted to let everyone that knows me or that has visited my site on ReflectionsRD that I'm still alive. I haven't touched the site or dealt with anything for almost a year now. During that time so much has happened. I ended up having my usband arrested for harrasment, assault and false imprisonment. Then I ended up getting him out of it. I guess I'll never learn. All the promises that he made never came true.....now he's out of the house, but begging to come home. Who knows, maybe th s time I'll be strong enough to say no. I wish all of you out there strength, peace and happiness, as I search for my own...... -- Kimik

I wish I were Janeway but I am not. The reason way I be here is my new neighbor who has damaged my fence. While I tried to find a wall to write on I got the feeling that this "isn`t anything worse to say". Well it`s to me. But I`m feeling pretty stupid b doing so "its nothing" your problems "are nothing". If they weren`t I would not be here. He came here and bought the old neighbors house. I heard his voice and I hate it in an instant. When this voice came a second time I said to my partner "I guess the neighbor has found someone to buy his house". I knew he would buying it! (I still feel stupid - but even admitting this to someone means to me - than I am!) The old neighbors where gone and the new neighbors went in immediately, taking everything in an instant. The first thing he did was mowing the lawn with their furniture standing around. 1 a d 1/2 days later the excavater came. The one which crushed my fence. Again I heard this voice, and I got ill by the sound of it. I simply couldn`t hear it. It freightened me and I simply did not want to go closer although they drove with the excavator dire t along my fence crushing those yearlong grown trees and leaving a ugly mount of mud direct before my fence. The next day he did the work more out of our sight, in the backyard and we heard the crushing trees. My partner was golfing and I looked in our backyard for what the excavator had done on the other side. Our chain-link-fence was laying down straight on our lot. I got so angry that I almost flipped out of my skin. The person who drove the excavator was now working far away from our fence. Off course! I showed my partner the damage and we shouted the person but he would not hear. I whistled and shouted but he kept on excavating. My partner went over and the person told him that he "had not even thought the fence". He would however tell the owner that we wanted the fence repaired. When the owner came 1/2 day later he worked at his property and did not show up. My partner walked to them over I was too scared and too angry to go with. (Well what do I here, I think everyone thinks "what do you want it`s just a fence, you are too stupid". This is always when it comes to this voice, to this man I hate, I hated right from the beginning.) So I heart his solid voice not quite understanding what they where talking about. I slip out of my skin when it comes to this: I heard the older women laughing and words saying that sounded like "He is worried about his fence". What d`hell is there to laugh?! What d`hell is this sound in her words does she not take anything seriously?! (I can hear people saying "don`t be stupid, it`s just a fence, you are overreacting, it`s nothing,...". You should see my face it looks as if it where hammered in stone as if I where bitten by a snake or something so angry I am.) No it`s not anger. It`s something different, maybe hatered? I don`t know. I wished I could be with y partner to stay for us both. But instead I was shaking all over and in my stomach was a clump some sort of. W`ve got told by the owner that "he wanted to talk to the driver of the excavater when he came (to hear his side of story), he wasn`t in the back ard jet, and now he hadn`t looked at the damage jet" (and he didn`t wana do so this day was what we noticed later!). There is still that feeling -it`s nothing what you have to say, just calm down -This was Sunday. I waited during the week whether he would doing something or not. He is disturbing me. I can not think of anything else. He has now installed his "new" fence and done a lot yardwork this week. I`d like to go out and throw down his head. But I know even if I wish he is (or would be) dead it would ot change to be the way it is now. I can not think of "anything" what it is. Yesterday I thought he might have fathers voice because when I hear it I get frozen yogurt. But it isn`t. I am also convinced that he knows exactly what I am saying and that he i only doing this to the bushes and trees to have a better view at my body, privacy, me. So, now I am stuck. When it comes to this part I am only small and looking for defence. I am thin an small now, same as I am when I hear his voice. And I know exactly hat he is not going to repair that fence. Eighter never or by a time a have already died of heart attack. This will not be fare. But it`s not this way. It`s worse. I start to dissolve degrading just as I did with my father in the neck. Well here I am stuk. Not to find the right words. Wanting to go over and to say what I wont. And not to be able too. If he where to stare at me the way I think he will there is only one solution: leaving. This is the most hart part of this letter. I wish I could tell you my feelings but I can`t. I know something is very wrong. It`s dating back when my father made his house. When he pulled out all those trees. They where plum trees and I was 3 and 1/2(maybe I should come back tomorrow and tell this story on). We had`nt got "nice" neighbors jet. And the fact that I am a foreigner in this country makes it even harder because I know people sometimes dislike having them in their neighborhood. But we let each other be as we are at least is was this way before. I have been thinking: If my father really where here what would I do? On the phone letter I could say what I mean. But facing him? No. If I want to live here for some more time (and I want!) I have to stay away from this neighbor until I can copy with whatever he is saying or doing or trying to do. Sorry for wasting your time. -- Janeway

I have been healing for a long time, but keep falling into holes. This is the worst time of the year for me. 15 years ago I was pregnant as a result of being raped by my brother. My little girl would have been born late September or early October. I miscarried and told no one until very recently. It gets so hard!!!! Does anyone have any words of support, prayers, poems etc to send me to help? I really need them. Thanks. -- Shirley

Hello everyone. Glad to have you here. I'm facing another sleepless night. The nightmares are so intense and frightening! He seems to be everywhere. I know I should get over it but I find myself dwelling deeper into the depth of despair. I can't stop crying and I know nobody wants to be around me. Who can blame them? I hate letting him win, again! I feel so helpless and alone. I spend my days in agony and my nights trying to stay awake so I don't have nightmares. I feel like he took everything. Sometimes it feels like there is no reason to go on. He took the best part of me and I can't give anymore. I don't know that I can ever let anybody else get that close. I feel destined to descend on a journey of grief, darkness, madness, and guilt. I'm so bitter, angry, guilty and depressed. I know there is supposed to be a way out but I can't find it. Thank you for listening. -- hurting

I can't begin to explain. I'm trapped. I don't even think I love him. He's taken everything away from me- my friends, my self-respect, and my FREEDOM. I'm so lost. I'm afraid to leave him. I would be nothing without him, just like he says. God, please help me! - Anon

To those of you that I have read about today.......there IS hope. There IS that place of being able to live, on a daily basis, with the past. But it takes TIME. Allow yourself that. You must give yourselves time to heal. But you also must change your "bandages" and "dress the wound" along the way. I was molested by my father and my brother around the age of 11. I am now 48. And am "in the light at the end of the tunnel". But I would really like to talk to HOPELESS that didn't leave an email address. I hope you find this message. I hope you email me. But then, I hope anyone that needs to talk to someone that's been there, been through that.........emails me. I don't have your answers, but you do have my experiences to identify with and draw strength from. And we all think we're out there all alone at one point or another. You're not. I'm here. God Bless. -- Joyce

I was molested by my father when I was little and was one of those that blocked the experience from my conscious memory. I spent my life with men that abused me physically and mentally and when they didn't--I abused myself by self-mutulation, because, I was told later by therapists that I felt that I deserved to be abused cuz I was so horrible. When I was 35, I tried to kill myself and ended up in a mental ward. While I was hospitalized, my doctors made me attend various types of therapy group meetings. While attending one of these meetings--a girl was acting out being molested, and I was on the sidelines--freaking out, cuz it brought up one of the terrible memories I had spent my life blocking out. After that incident, I asked my sisters if they had been molested by our father, and much to my surprise, they had all three been molested by him--the difference was that they all remembered every single thing he had done to them. I spent years working with various counselors, moving from one to another when I felt that the present one was not helping me. A year or so ago, I finally got the courage to ask my older sister for more details and started working through Courage to Heal with the support of my wonderful husband, my minister/friend, and my only truly close girlfriend--who was also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I will never forget what little I remember about being molested, but I am learning to live with it. I finally forgave my father, because I was spending too much precious energy hating him and because I believe that when he dies, even though he has lied to everyone else here on earth, and he goes before his maker, he will not be able to lie to Him and he will be punished for all the horrible things he did to his daughters and his family. It is still painful sometimes and I still am experiencing flashbacks, but now, at 48, I am finally able to sleep without all the weird and horrible dreams and I can sleep without having to have a cover up to my chin to protect me and I no longer dream that if I crouch down in the corner of the dresser and don't move, no one will see me. I also stopped dreaming that when I am trying to protect little children, that the doors will not lock. I am proud of the fact that neither me or my sisters have ever let anyone abuse our children, so maybe we have broken the cycle. Too bad we didn't think we were worth protecting ourselves. But the love and understanding I have gotten from my spouse, minister, and friend are helping me to move forward--I can even look someone in the eye when I talk to them these days, without feeling that they can see deep inside me and see what a horrible person I am. I am building up my self-esteem--something my minister and friend thought I would never be able to do. I even like me now. I will never forget, but I will live on! When people tell me to forget it and get on with life, I tell them that my life will not go on until I face what happened to me and learn to be at peace with myself. There is hope for us all, we can take back our lives!!! -- gettingbetter

PLEASE HELP ME! I am 23 and a professional. I think something bad happened to me but I am unsure. I have only had sex one time and it was with a guy who was my ex. I was under the influence of alcohol and thought maybe he would come back to me if I had se with him. All my life I wanted to save myself for the right guy. I think I am afraid of sex. I've messed around with my fair share of guys, but never had sex with any but that one. I was in a one year relationship about a year ago with a guy and refused o have sex. I have these memories about my adoptive father(who is a drug addict and I no longer speak to). I see him yelling out the living room window as I am leaving to walk to school "Don't tell anyone!" I always thought it was don't tell anyone about he drugs. But why do I only remember that one time? And I once had a dream I was having sex with someone (this is the only sexual dream I ever remember having) and it was my adoptive father. In the dream at first I thought it was my boyfriend at the time nd all of a sudden I saw my adoptive father's face. I was not enjoying the sex in the dream either. There are other things I remember doing when I was little but they are so embarassing I can't say them. Am I imagining things, or is it possible I was abus d? It has been on my mind a lot the past few years. Can anyone help me? I don't have the money to go to a psychiatrist and have them figure out if I was. My insurance only covers 1 session a month and I can't see that helping. If I could just figure out i it's real or not, I could go from there. Please help me. -- Unsure Tara

I know how many of you feel and I have been there. It's does get better, at least it did for me. But I had to go inside of myself to work without to heal, I am still healing. I have finally had enough courage to put the workshops that I wrote about my ordeal online ... just a few days ago. This is helping me heal a lot faster. It was very difficult to come out of the closet. But I have posted two complete workshops, and the third will go up very soon. They are free for your use and there is a message board if you care to chat about it and the abuse. It hurt when we don't understand why we were abuse, especially by the people we love and trust. Many of us, as little children, don't even know we are being or have been abuse until much later in life ... the shock of remembering almost led me to suicide. I survived and I did it with the help of myself. Believe me when I say, you will not regret or be bored with these workshops. Blessing to all of you for coming out of the closet ... -- Linda Jones -- Visit Me

I will not say my name out of fear. I am now in my thirties. I have DID. Just great. I've been trying to explain the things in my head for the longest time and all they said was that I was crazy. I believe it all started when I was four. It lasted for many years beyond that. To top it all off, I was sent to a therapist to help me deal with these issues. Guess what? She had the bright idea that if we reinacted the whole thing it would desensitize me somehow. I did not know any better I was only twelve. Turns out that these people were also part of a therapy cult. Didn't get out till I was 21 or 22.I left everything behind. Including myself. I had a breakdown after that. I haven't been back to work since. They tell me that DID saved my life. That y u have to be pretty intelligent to dissassociate and survive like I did. I'm not finding it intelligent. I find it disabling. Can't make decisions, even simple ones. Trust is out of the water. Cant even look at anyone in the eye when I talk about myself because I'm so ashamed of the choices I made. I've been self abusive, physically and mentally. I'm my own worst enemy. That's a real accomplishment. Finally someone has been helping me deal with a lot of this junk. Someone who listens. Someone who finds what I say o be important. Not saying well that was in the past, now is the present. Or doing goofy, scarey things to you. I love her for that. -- little one.

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