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I saw a wonderful idea on the Opera Show today. People had been keeping gratitude jounals. Writing down five things that had happened in the course of each day for which they were grateful. One couple had taken a different approach, writing down three thi gs that the other had done for which they were appreciative. I think I am starting mine today. -- Dee

My heart aches for each and every person posting here. I wish each of you health and happiness, and a safe journey through your pain. Choose whatever path fits for you, even as others around you choose their own but different paths. Change paths as many times as you need to until you find one that works for you. Seek company and support along your way, and most of all let your inner being be your guide. Take care. Riva

I'm not going to tell my story here. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. But I want you all to know that I am praying for you. No, I'm Praying for YOU. You who read these words. I don't need to know your name or your story, God does. I urge you to lean n God, or if you don't know Him, to talk to someone about Him. God is the parent that we all deserved, and most of us never got. It has taken me a very long time (I'm 31) to come to terms with my parents and the teachers and neighbors who looked the other way. I didn't start to heal until I became a Christian. I NEEDED someone to give a child's love to . Someone I could trust not to hurt me. God is that someone. On my page, I have put some of the scripture that means the most to me. I will pray every day f r all the abused children in the world (no matter what age you are, you are still a child of God). I will correspond with anyone who thinks I may have something to offer. Part of my healing is in helping others to deal with their pain. You deserve love and acceptance. I pray that you will someday have it in this life. I KNOW you can have in the next. Geocities/Heartland/Acres/2220 -- Susan

Be careful who you choose for a therapist. Ask lots of questions. Even if the therapist never physically touches you, his inappropriate sexually loaded comments, his sitting across from you in "prayerful" closure, his inability to understand the dynamic involved in therapy with incest/childhood trauma/rape survivors can re-create the "crazy making" you endured growing up. It can take you to the edge. Knowledgeable therapists, ethical therapists will help you work through your issues, not become one of theirs. Be careful. We survivors can be innocent in understanding psychological abuse, we trust our therapists. Ask lots of questions. Even those who advertise themselves and Christian counselors are human too. If they aren't educated in the needs f survivors, find someone else. Contact the local board of licensure, ask if any complaints were ever filed against your therapist, ask your therapist. Most will be willing to tell you, they will show you the code of ethics they adhere to, they will be clear with boundaries. Psychological abuse, emotional involvement and denial by the therapist can drop a survivor down into a seemingly bottomless pit. Take heart! Our Lord, Jesus, will never leave you. He kept me alive, He opened doors to other therapists for me and He continues to strengthen me on this journey. Its a long journey folks. Fasten your seat belts, hold onto Jesus and know He will walk with you each step of the way. Thank you for allowing me to share with you. -- CSM's Victim NoMore

I have been in therapy for only a month now. And lately I have been having these urges to confront my parents again. For example, last week my mother told me of a very disturbing movie she had watched which had been about child abuse. I wanted so badly o ask her if she had thought of me when watching, and how did my s-father feel when watching it. Did he think of me? Did he feel guilty? Did he feel bad? I once told about the abuse, about ten years ago, I am not sure if my mother believed me or not, as y s-father denied the whole thing. But as I said, lately I really feel the need to know if she believed me, and really need him to admit to what he did. My therapist says I shouldn't confront them yet, as I am too unstable, but I am beginning to obsess about it. I live in another country from my parents and we often communicate through the computer. Sometimes I even write my mother emails discussing all of this, but never send them because of what my therapist said. Any suggestions on how to curb these urges? -- Dee -- Visit Me

I'm only 13, and have just begun to realize that things in my past, which I have tried to forget, are beginning to affect me badly. My story isn't nearly as bad as most here, but I feel like I am on a downward spiral as a victim. The first time I was four years old. A man I didn't know grabbed me and dragged me behind a building. After several minutes of him doing inappropriate things to himself, he asked me to get undressed. At this point my dad came around the corner and saved me. He called the police, a d they came and arrested the man, whom, as it turned out, was a pedophile who had escaped from a Sanitarium several miles away. At least, that's what I remember. Several months ago, while speaking with my mother, I discovered that my father had not been h me at the time. I had returned inside by myself. Later that evening I had mumbled something about what had happened, THEN my father called the police. My mind is hiding something from me, because this is the earliest and clearest memory I have. The second time I was 6 and it was a neighborhood boy who lured me into the bathroom with promises of candy. He was about 2 years older than me. The third time I was 8 and the abuser was a boy my age who was the son of a family friend. He tried to get me to g into the closet with him, and I refused. Now, I have trouble standing up for myself and am, for the most part, avoidant of males. I don't know what to do. Maybe I need counseling, but I'm afraid to tell my parents. I'm afraid that they'll think its stupid that I think I need help. I never told them about the second and third times, because I feel like, somehow, they're my fault. A d they don't know how well I remember the first. Yesterday at school, a boy called me an ugly bitch when all I did was turn around and look at him. I tried to laugh it off, while holding back the tears. They weren't tears of hurt. They were tears of anger at myself, because I was too much of a wuss to stand up for myself, I couldn't believe that I was actually afraid of him, but I was. I was terrified that he would really hurt me. My Best Friend ended up cussing him out and standing up for me. My means of escape is writing and reading. I do both constantly. Almost all of my female characters are victims of sexual abuse. I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to prove to myself that I might turn out okay. I just get really scared sometimes. Thank you or listening to me. -- Sariaya

I think that this wall is an excellent idea. It will help a lot of people. I was molested from when I was 4 until I was 8, then again from 8-10, then again at age 10. I was raped more than once at age 11. It still hurts to talk about it, but I don't real y get a chance to vent out or talk about it. just writing this helps. My friend asked me "how does it feel to be a rape victim" and I said, "I dunno, I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor." Thanks for having this page up. Lilia age 15 -- Lilia

Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse is often not all we are by the time we are able to talk about it. I know that the molestations of me by my uncle set me up in a way that led to my association with numerous other perpetrators of sexual abuse and assault. I was raped as a teenager more than once and one of those times was gang raped after having been drugged. I have talked to many many survivors and my husband and I are both very committed to shining a light in the darkness of the hidden shame-filled world we live in. We have dealings with survivors of ritualistic abuse and all kinds of sexual offenses. Talking with other survivors has been extremely instrumental in my healing. After many years on this path I am still healing and I know I always will be, but this path is not dark, I am not alone, and the shame no longer haunts me. I hope that if you are feeling alone you can find someone to talk to. I always take email at my own site and there are numerous anonymous forums online where you can talk candidly about everything you have bottled up inside. Don't give up. You deserve to feel whole and to heal. You CAN heal. -- Janessa -- Visit Me

Thanks for putting this wall up. When I was 6 years old I was molested by my uncle. To this day it still hurts, I can't go a day without crying. I"m always thinking about it, and still 10 years later, this man is still stalking me. I will never be the same. Sometimes I wish I hadn't told, but when I told it made other family members tell. I am now going around o schools speaking about my abuse, and how I'm a survivor, not a victim. I would say to everyone out there who has told, it was a good thing either you took them to court or not, and weather it was not guilty or guilty. If a child comes to you and tells you they were abused, you have to take action. Don't worry about if the child is lying, s/he most likely isn't. I know if my parents had any doubt in there minds when I told them it would have killed me. Do everything you can to help that child. And other children. No one deserves to go through what I've went through, and what many other survivors have went through. Thanks again for this wall.. it's a great place to tell people how you feel. -- Amanda

You all have courage! Being willing to share with anyone, even anonymously takes courage. We can break the silence and help one another and others to be Free to Be! - Me

The Wall is really an inspiration to me, the people who wrote here show what real courage is. I was sexually abused after pre-school one day. It was after school and my best friend, Ben, said that his "dad" had come to pick both of us up. The man wasn't really Ben's dad. He molested both of us that fateful day. I still remember telling the police what happened, and they just didn't seem to care what I said. The state wanted to take me away from my parents right away, thinking that they had abused me. The doctors confirmed that I was molested by the "dad" , but still he walked while I'm left behind with the pain. Right now I'm suffering from PTSD and am taking an anti-depressant. To this day I have no respect for any police officers. I am living in constant fear of him coming back like he said. The one thing that has kept me sane is softball, friends, and life itself. And if you don't remember anything about this message remember this: don't judge a person till you walked a hundred miles in their shoes. Peace, Love, and Happiness. -- Bee

I feel so lost, so alone. I don't want too feel this way any more. I know that I have to deal with this, it's just so hard. I'm really frustrated. I'm glad that I found this wall. I think I need it. -- Jade

We are courageous when we bring abuse to light and call for accountability from abusers, when we band together to make changes and support one another. Yet, when calling my therapist to accounting, even though everyone including the APA public directorate says what he did was covert sexual abuse, did he get to walk away without a reprimand? And why, even through the board told me it was hard on him too, do I still feel so angry? He hurt me deeply, he betrayed me at a level that had been previously unavailable to anyone, including my Lord, Jesus, at least on my understanding. I know Jesus was there, He's the one who got me out of that man's office before things crossed over to the physical and He's the one who kept me from driving into the tree! But, I a so angry. I previously didn't want this man to be in too much trouble, just that his peers would tell him how dangerous his behavior was and he would apologize and stop. Now, I wish I had just gone through malpractice insurance whit a lawyer, because the financial strain is almost as serious as the emotional damage he created. I'm sorry, I am just so angry and I want him to know it and to be responsible for his behavior. I guess that's what we all want, for our perpetrators to be sorry, to change. Thank you. - Me

on the topic of support, i just wanted to tell everyone about the support forums on the web site of Anonymous Sexual Abuse Recovery (Canada). There is a forum for survivors that is hidden from public view with a password, and you can use a nickname to post so you can be anonymous. So far it seems really supportive to me. :-) -- Anon

Hi "Me"; I just wanted to mention the new support list for therapy abuse survivors. You may want to check it out. Click on "Email Support". :-) -- FreeToBe

This wall is a godsend! Yet, I would also like to reach out and make friends, but I am afraid to trust my own ability to know who is safe and who is not. How do we go about re-learning that? For most of my life, my friends were case loads. Then, having be n re-victimized by my former therapist, I find it even more difficult to trust anyone and especially to trust myself. I have started withdrawing from my friends, because I find that some of them are not safe, they don't understand how this journey works, hey don't understand that my whole life was turned upside down when my therapist betrayed me and they don't understand why I don't get and instant healing from Our Lord. They can be emotionally abusive and perhaps I am now learning some boundaries with my new therapist? Anyway thanks for being here. -- Me

I just discovered The Wall tonight. Thank God for all of you who reach out for strength, and all you who share what you've gained on the Journey! I'm a 38 year old incest survivor. I've had over 10 years of therapy and I've healed A LOT. I feel good self-esteem, and I'm making progress in being assertive. However, it is still SO HARD with my family members. I broke off all contact for almost 7 years. Now they've contacted me & want to attempt a relationship. I'm scared, threatened, mad, stressed out, and could really appreciate insight from anyone who has gotten "healthy" and is trying or has tried to have a "relationship" with people who are basically good (at least on the outside) but as dysfunctional as hell on the inside. I don't want to go back to being guilted, manipulated, fake, and especially I don't want to put my children at risk. I am dissociative around my family and worry I might not be able to stay in "real time". Does anyone out there know what I mean when I say I HATE THEM but I LOVE THEM? My parents are getting old, and part of me feels sorry for them. My kids want grandparents. Am I totally nuts to go back? Sleepless in Utah!!!! E-mail with suggestions please, and thanks for supporting me. -- Dee Dee

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