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Hope, I am so glad you have an ethical therapist. I am sure he has told you that the feelings you have for him stem from the abuse and your childhood. I am sure he told you that since love and sex were all mixed up for you because of the abuse, that as incest survivors we believe the only way we can relate to a man is sexually! It is my prayer that he will be able to help you resolve these feelings in a healthy and safe way. My therapist became emotionally involved with me, which only served to deepen my feelings. He also made sexually inappropriate comments, such when I asked how I was to respond should I see him in our neighborhood (we were neighbors and my daughter babysat for his children a few years back) or if I saw him at a conference he said "well, M. Scott Peck said he would have sex with his client if he thought it would help her and they did therapy in the nude in the 70's". Not only did this not answer my question, it was totally inappropriate and not a part of therapy. Another thing he said, early on, is "it's natural for us to be drawn to one another". At the time, I was not drawn to him, but if he said it, it must be true. He subtly set me up. My attorney said he was seductive, manipulative and dirty. He would sit directly across from e, particularly towards the end of sessions, his knees were 3" from mine and I could feel his breath on my face as he started to pray with me. Of course, our local board of licensure was not in the room and his attorney represented him well, thus no reprimand. But I am off subject, I just wanted to relay some little things that my therapist did that set me up. As victim/survivors we are extremely vulnerable. We are looking for a safe man to be the surrogate father, brother, grampa, uncle, who used us sexually. A therapist who does not understand the dynamics in this client population can lose themselves in the relationship and either covertly re-victimize us, that is without physical touch, but deep emotional confusion and wounding, or they can enter into a physical relationship, even if it is only hugs. But, I a sure your therapist has addressed these things with you. Please remember that your feelings are real, but they are deeply rooted in the abuse. Emotionally, we are still that little girl who was abused. Our emotional development stopped in some areas at the onset of the abuse. I too was 47 when I started working on my issues. I was overweight, becoming a grandma and had a faltering marriage. My therapist, upon seeing me at a conference about two months into therapy, raised his eyebrow and said "wow". That was the beginning and I didn't even catch it. I was so sure that he was all he said he was, happily married, a PhD, a Christian brother who was a champion of marriages. However, a champion of marriages does not tell a client, who wonders what can be done to salvage her marriage, that "I don't care if you have an affair, as long as it gets your needs met, getting your needs met is what is important to me." Its not appropriate counsel, its a set up emotionally if getting my needs met is important to him and as a Christian brother, he is not looking at the impact adultery has on everyone. It's not just the two involved in an adulterous relationship, its a ripple effect reaching clear out into the families and the friends of both parties. Even emotional adultery causes pain to all parties at some level. He was good at making these kinds of statements, ones that are deniable to a board of licensure, but sets up his client for confusion. He would tell me my intuition about his feelings for me were right on target, yet he would then allow me the next week to say that it was only me feeling this way. He told me that in the Navy they learned to CYA, Cover Your Ass. He knew how to do just that. Without understanding that we are entitled to personal and emotional boundaries, we can easily be set up by a therapist who has not resolved their own issues. Mine was having difficulties at home. I am glad you have an ethical therapist, because if you have one who becomes involved with you, the guilt and shame are nearly life ending. The survivor's instinct to take on the responsiblity for everything, to protect the abuser(s), creates an incredible amount of guilt, that can escalate into a high level of suicidality. Then, when you discover that indeed, ethical codes were violated, (not to the degree that the board could actually find legal fault) the craziness can get worse. Please know that I am praying for you. This journey is hard enough and to have an ethical therapist makes all the difference in the world. I would suggest reading Dr. Christine Courtois's book "Healing the Incest Wound", its directed toward the clinician but is a good read for the client too. Also, anything by Dr. John Briere, such as "Child Abuse Trauma, Therapy for Adults Molest As Children-Beyond Survival and Psychological Assessment of Adult Posttraumatic States" are good for understanding some of what you are experiencing. A couple of really good Christian authors are Jan Frank "A Doo of Hope" (she is a survivor of incest and a Marriage and Family Counselor as well as a speaker on the subject and has insights based on her work with survivors and her own journey. Also, Dr. Dan Allender "The Wounded Heart". May your journey be filled with friends to support you, to be non judgemental, family support if possible and the continuing work with an ethical therapist. I will check the Wall frequently, if you would like a response.-- rickilyn

Wanted to share some of my story with those who have been through some of the same expriences I have. I would like to do this to begin the healing process in myself and perhaps help some one out there by telling my story. When I has about five my mother was terminally ill with breast cancer. The same time this was all going on my father was an alcoholic. I witnessed my mothers desperation with her illness and her situation, because of this my brother and I were unfortunate to have witnessed my mother hanging herself, we were able to get her down an spare her life until a year later when she would die of brest cancer. My father was to incompasatated to raise us so my dad's sister and her husband Ray took us in. Ray was a barley funtioning alcoholic with a very low self esteem and a raging temper. He abused us verbally, emotionally, and very physically. I always knew the things my uncle did to me were not right, although the more I think about I try to normalize the abuse, this I learned from my aunt who would excuse every bad deed my uncle would perpentrate. My uncle would focus on my because he knew I was less of a threat of retaliation from me. I could go into specifics but I' am at work and don't have the time right now. The end result has left me with so much self doubt, parinoia of what others think of me, and a general inability to maintain an intimate relationship. I have recently lost the love of my life.My ex-girlfriend wanted out of her relationship with me, she was the only person I have ever disclosed the above to.I feel lost without her, but I'am ready to confront all those behaviors that have limited my ability to operate in a loving relationship, I'am doing this for my self, I believe in me and if my ex-girlfriend doesn't thats OK, In time maybe she will. I can't wait. I've been hiding the light I have to offer to those around me and those who aren't, for 23 years, I want to see what all those people who have said they love me see, not what my uncle has made believe I only could see. I would like anybodies advice on dealing with the abuse I have experienced and how to handle the recent loss of my relationship with my girlfriend. I'am currently in counseling and support groups. Thank You, -- Eric Age 29

Strange how twenty years ago can be like yesterday...and yet today can be unreal...yet i am discovering that the pain is not endless, that it is possible to reach out and not be betrayed...i believe in hope, in a future which can only be better than the past which almost destroyed me...i will live my life in spite of all they did to me...i hope that you will too.-- Anna -- Visit Me

Hi: I am 32 years old and have been traveling the road of healing from childhood sexual abuse, there are a lot of pot holes, hairpin curves and sheer drop-offs! Sometimes the road just vanishes and I don't know where to turn. I feel so lost. I am in the process of charging my abuser, the trial will be in the fall. I know that at that time I will be in dire need of more support, can you be that person for me? I dont expect you to have all the answers, just be someone I can share feelings with. Desperately Seeking Support

I was raped once again today... I am in such shock... I was having such a wonderful time, searching around the mall, for a birthday present... Then I went downstairs, to a lower level to see what was there... A man ran ahead of me, collapsed on the floor directly in front of me, and began to tremble... I ran to him to see if he was all right and he grabbed me pushed me up against the wall, and pulled out something which felt like a pocketknife and held the tip against my throat... He threatened to kill me f I didn't just keep my mouth closed while he did what he wanted. He stuck his hands into my pants and pushed two or three of his fingers into my vagina, and moved them back and forth, it hurt me so badly! He did it for several moments with his fingers, and one or two more moments with something else which I couldn't see but was very hard, which he also pushed into my vagina. This was the downstairs of a mall, not really anyone was around but anyone could have seen!!!!! How could this have happened??? I have been raped and sexually violated numerous times before, and I... I am going to lose my mind. I have to get out of here, I have to!!! I have to get away from all of these memories, if only for a short time, I need to travel elsewhere, and to be ok y again! I can still feel his fingers and object inside my vagina, now, whatever am I going to do? This is like the straw which broke the camel's back, it honestly is!!! Someone please assist me, PLEASE!!!!! I do not know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! N one is ever going to believe me, not in a million years! I need my fiance so badly, but he is in the UK presently!!!!! I am so afraid, and confused!! -- Victimised Once Again

I was about 16-17 when I started 2 realize that my childhood wasn't normal. I was about 24 when I started 2 think about child abuse. Now I'm 28 and understand that i was a victim of sexual molestation, domestic violence both verbal and physical, no one ever taught me anything I had no. I have lived in 3 countries, by the age of 16 I had been 2 11 schools which I never finished. Now at 28 I have lived in 42 "homes", been married twice, have 3 kids(2 different fathers), my second husband was violent, my first husband was ok. I had been single 4 2 years and am now engaged. I never thought that my childhood affected me in anyway at all until I met my future husband. The love that he has given me opened my eyes 2 see that I MUST get therapy. I used 2 think that I was crazy and should be hospitalized (i've never been treated 4 any kind of mental disease) I have never been 2 a therapy either. I want 2 get help and I will! I have survived this long 'cos of the love of Jesus Christ, without him I wouldn't be here 2 write this. -- Sunshine

I just have so much anger stuffed into this stupid human frame that if I let it out I'll hurt everyone. I'm in the middle of screwing the only rewarding long term relationship I've ever had or likely to have and failing at university. It's just not fair. How have I managed to fuck things up so much? How could I have been abused as a child - as an adult I've had sex with plenty of people. Why do I have good days and then go right off the deep end, smashing stuff up (like my favourite coffee mug) and tearing up letters, my resume (co I'm 27 and never ahd a full time job. No-one's ever going to employ me). What the hell's going on? Why can't I keep up the 'front office appearance' all the damn time? It would save me so much shit like having to deal with other people and possibly let t em in under my defences. -- Lisa

I'm a nearly 17 yr old survivor of incest by my dad...I have only recently moved out of home and am now safe, I am having terrible nightmares that scare me soooooo much. I was wanting to write to other survivors to talk about stuff, and to be a support to others as well as have people to talk to about my pain as well....I make a great net friend and will be there for anyone that needs a listening ear.. hope ya'll write soo :0) (((((((((survivor hugs to all)))))) -- Rebekah

To the 16 year old. I feel so much of your pain. Many of the feelings you have are what I have to. I don't know how anyone could love me after I feel I have been so damaged. Are you in therapy. I just started a few months ago and I don't think I would make it without it. You must be careful and find a good therapist who you can really really trust and will make it a safe place for you. Also, if you think you could handle it, you might want to join a group of survivors. I know I'm not ready for that yet but I plan to join a group when I can. I would encourage you to get the book The Courage To Heal. It is a wonderful book and will let you know you are not alone in your feelings. Please know that I pray for you. There are people out there who care Also, I think telling is very important. I think you parents should be told if you can handle that. But if they don't believe you, dont let it tear you up. Many people don't like to believe this happens. Please find a therapist or a group or a counselor at school who could recommend some help for you. I think everyone who goes through this needs help. God Bless You. -- Hope

I don't know where tp begin exactly.....it has been ten years since the abuse ended. i am 16 now and scared out of my mind. i have never told my parents or any relatives. i have days where it doesn't cross my mind and then i have days like today where i won't leave my thoughts. my fear of being left and unloved fills me with each day. i always wonder how anyone could possibly, love someone who is so tainted. i sometimes look at pictures from before the rape and i see so much love and innocence in those eyes....i am so hurt now though i wonder if u will ever really survive. i never thought that i would make it to my 16th birthday. i have finally met a man who knows me....all of me even my secret it took me a long time to tell him. and i know that he carries my secret in the palm of his hand. i sometimes pray at night that god will let me trust again. i remember some things so clearly and maybe that is the worst....i can still can hear and feel his hot breath on my neck...or see the blood stained sheet i can't help but wonder if i will ever feel peace again. my nightmares haven't gone away yet but i pray that yours do. -- Email Me

I found the following poem on the internet and I wish it for everyone, I'm 47 years old and just started struggling with incest issues a few months ago. Some days I don't think I'll make it. I find this poem so touching. Dedication-- For every child who cries at night Alone with shame and pain and fright For every child who wants so much--To only feel a gentle touch For the beaten child who cries in pain--Whose tears run silent like the rain For the child used to satisfy lust--Who never learns to love or trust For the child taken from her home-And made to feel so all alone For the child whose home is just a shell--Where life can becomes a living hell For the child who smiles but cannot feel-because of scars to deep to heal For every child who yearns for love-I hope and pray to God above To hear your cries and heal your pain-And give you back your life again. I know I need many prayers myself. I pray for all of you. I also ask for prayers that one day RKr will learn to love me and we will become one and I will find true happiness, love and gentleness. -- Barbara

has anyone who was sexually abused as a child been able to put love back into sexual relationships? -- Susie

I know too well what you all are going through. If we stick together as a group anything can be accomplished. just remember life does go on. Sometime you might no think it will but it does. It can get better, but you can not do it alone. Talk to people that are in a situation like yours and each others support person. You will find it is easier to talk through a computer or phone then face to face. You can express yourself more. Stick together and be a friend. -- Tracey

I was raped by my brother when I was 6. I'm now 33 (34 in 2 weeks) and it still hurts. I began dealing with my abuse issues 7-1/2 years ago. I'm MUCH better, but still dealing with it - which I will til the day I die. My question is, does the feeling of s dness, the depression, the wanting to die - not to kill myself, but to die - ever go away? I trust no one. My family wasn't there for me when I needed them, neither was God. I know it gets better - I never thought I'd make it to 25, let alone 34. I'm doin a lot better now than I ever have, but the depression won't go away. I have days where I'm OK, and days where I'm not. It's always there - like a cloud hovering over me. Any advice? -- Mary

Just a reminder to everyone that the comments you read here represent each individuals journey. We are each on our own particular paths in accordance with what fits for us. My path is not your path, and your path need not be mine. -- FreeToBe

Hi Meredith. So glad you want to help. I've written a book. "UNCHAINED FROM THE POWER OF THE PAST" Let me know where to send it. REMEMBER!!! Unforgiveness does not hurt your abuser it hurts you. Your abuser perpetually has control over you when you harbor unforgiveness. He/she controlled you while you were being abused, don't allow him/her to continue controlling your life. I re lize this sounds impossible as well as a thing not desired. In forgiving you are not "doning them a favor" you are in fact doing yourself the ultimate favor. RELEASE Ask God to help you. As a fellow survivor who cares about you and will not steer you wrong, I promise you Jesus can and will help you. -- Rox

Surviving child sex abuse is an ongoing journey with the Lord Jesus Christ. I never truly dealt with the abuse until I met Him. My stepfather abused me as a child. I needed from him and my mom one thing in particular to begin my healing. I needed them to acknowledge what we all knew to be true. The abuse had taken place. The first time I confronted them I was 21 it enraged. They both denied the abuse had taken place, my stepfather verbally and my mom through her silence. My mom is dead now. The y ar before her death, Jesus gave me explicit instruction and miraculous strength that brought about that much needed confession from them, restoration of our relationships, peace that surpasses all understanding, the eradication of the dark cloud over my l fe, and the beginning of the process of my mental and emotional healing. I am ever grateful to Jesus for the experience of normalcy of life. Despair, depression, sadness, anger, shame , pain and rage are no longer a part of my every waking moment. Thes are no longer the norm for me. Give your life to Jesus so that He can give your life back to you. The life that God purposed for you before the abuse occurred. It is still available to you. Jesus gave scriptures, gave me the faith to believe those scriptures and unchained me from the power of my past. Romans 12:18,19: Psalms 32:8: Psalm 27 -- Rox

I'm in wet blanket mode today. I've been having a lot of 'useless' days lately. I just get so frustrated and pissed off. I want to throw my course in, i think i'm going to fail, I want to throw my job in, I think I'm no good at it. I just feel all round stupid. I know I'm not making it all up. I don't want to g back to the rape crisis centre. Why should I? They've heard it all before. They've got better things to do than listen to me whine about a really horrible early 1970's childhood. I'd only be taking someone and some important resources away from real emergencies that are happening every day instead of old shit that just won't go away. -- Lisa

His name was Jack. He is a MFCC. He's in Irvine California. Stay away from him, he stole my soul. - Deme

I thought I loved him and I believed he loved me. He was my therapist. I have spent 4 years just trying to forget him and the way he made me feel. In the process of trying to forget him I have chronic fatigue problems, isolation and profound emptiness, constant feelings of betrayal and trust, abandonment and insomnia. I have appetite problems, depression, fear of touch, family alienation, despair, lonliness, intense guilt, confusion, anger, rage, remorse, emotional withdrawal, marijuana abuse and complete death of my soul. Fuck YOU JACK you are the one who sucks now. Deme ~~~~~~~~~~~

My family was very abusive and even today they use any opportunity to use me as an emotional punching bag. Because I lived with abuse since birth I never knew what it was, believed their lies about me, I hated and blamed myself, and I allowed others to hurt me, rape me. I finally met some people who did not abuse me, and I began to arm myself with knowledge about verbal, sexual and physical abuse. It was a difficult shift to realize that I do not deserve to be abused and what to do when people try it. I lost my fantasy that families always love you no matter what, and by losing my family I found myself. For the first time I love myself, and I can differentiate my true personality from what they said I was. I am lovable because I am myself, and I don't need anything else. I was not put on this planet to make others feel good at my expense. If you feel worthless and hate yourself I have two bits of advice, learn about all types of abuse and protect yourself, because all abuse perpetuates the erosion of your so l and self-esteem. Secondly, remember that you are valuable and loveable because you are a unique person, like no other. Being a worthwhile person only requires a soul, no perfection is necessary. Don't give up, scream in your car with the windows up if you have to, for as long as you have to. Do whatever it takes as long as you can to let out the rage, fear, pain and grief. -- Sarah

Hi. I am an MSW student about to begin a lengthy internship at an area rape crisis center. Although I survived an abusive marriage, I am fortunate to never have been sexually abused or assaulted. I am writing/posting to ask if any of you can recommend an books, or materials, or personal words of wisdom, as I begin counseling survivors. Any thoughts or resources are much appreciated. Thanks so very much. Peace. -- Meredith

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