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Thank you for taking the time to read this. There is a bill being proposed in California (2000) that will eliminate the "Incest exception" in California criminal law. As it stands if a stranger rapes a child, he is charged with rape, and punished accordingly (Well almost) but if a predator targets a child in his own family, he is charged with incest which has virtually no penalty beyond probation. AB2009 will take the "Incest exception" away from those who would grow their own victims to escape the penalties of their behaviour. I ask that you make your organisation aware of this bill and send letters of support to: Hon. George Runner California State Assembly State Capitol Building Room 6027 Sacramento, CA, 95814 Fax# 916-319-2136 As a grown up survivor of abuse I know how long the scars take to heal if ever. We have a chance to make a real difference in the lives of so many children of the secret. Please do what you can to make sure this bill goes through. Again thank you for your time. Scott Travis Scott Travis

For seventeen years I endured physical and mental abuse from my so called father. I cant ever remember a happy day in my childhood. I remember going to school and wearing long sleeve flannel shirts and jeans during the hottest of Texas summers so no one would see that my body was covered in bruises. I was taken out of school in the sixth grade. that way he would be assured no one would see my bruises. I wasn't allowed any friends and he didn't allow any of our family over. I could go on and on about the horrible things he did to my self and my mother. never knowing if this was the day if we would just get beat our killed. When i was seventeen it all ended. Me and my mother tried to leave and he wouldn't let us and he started stabbing my mother i tried everything in my power to stop him but couldn't. He said he was going to cut us up and put us in the freezer and know one would ever know. I remembered where we kept our gun. I shot him which ended his life. My mom was stabbed over twenty times and was life-flighted to the hospital. after several surgeries she is doing fine. I have never really talked about it after it happened I never did go therapy or anything. I still cant sleep at night and wake up from nightmares. I often wonder if i will ever get over this. All i can say is please get out before its too late the longer you stay the worse it will get. If anyone wants to talk feel free to email me. -- Texas

It has been 20 years since my childhood was taken from me, I was nine years old. It went on for six months. I cannot remember if I knew it was wrong at the beginning, but I do remember the day that I knew for sure that this was not meant to happen. I told my mum and dad that something happened but I did not go into detail. I would not talk about it at all and no matter how approachable my mum was, I couldn't tell her, I didn't want to hurt her. Then as time went by I tried to pretend that it didn't effect me and I even forgot what had happened. Then all of a sudden I was having nightmares, or what I thought was nightmares, couldn't sleep, didn't care what happened to me, was only living for my family. I trusted the guy I was seeing at the time, I h d known him for a long time (I was 27) so I told him about my nightmares/flashbacks. He left me that night, have never had anything to do with him since. I was now too scared to tell anyone else, felt so dirty, wanted to die. Did crazy things, bathed i bleach to try to feel clean. I realised then that I had to tell. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to tell my family. They love me so much and I knew how much this would hurt them. I felt so guilty, I still do. I hated having to hurt them so much. I have been going to counseling for 8 months now and I have a wonderful family who I would not have been able to do this without. They have given me the strength and courage to face this and confront my fears. I am still so frightened but now it is not my past it is my future I am frightened of. I want to be the best I can be and not let my perpetrators ruin my future as they have ruined my past. I want to be able to help others heal, but I also need others help to heal myself. I wish I as stronger, but I guess this takes time. I wish you all the best and wish to congratulate you all for surviving. -- Mel - Fremantle, Western Australia

i have six days until my first counseling appointment. it is my first formal counseling. i'm afraid. i feel like all i ever do is sleep and cry. and not much of anything else. i just want to not do anything, but i know i can't do that because then i'd go crazy with all the time to think. ugh!!! will this never end???? - Teresa

Today I feel like I'm running a marathon. I am really trying to listen to my feelings which go from jumping out of my skin to depression. I know I have past issues especially with one alter who I journaled with today but the present seems as crazy as the ast. I have exercised, journaled with my alters done work for a course I was taking and did some needle work that I like to do . It is after midnight here and I'm still feeling like I have to keep going or I will fall into that depression or insanity that I know so well. I know so many of the coping skills but sometimes they just don't work. I guess I just have to see this through. They say this will pass, it won't stay like this. I kind of know this is true but I need to hear it over and over again. Than you so much for listening to my babble. It does seem to help to put it on paper. Tomorrow is another day. I hope it will be a good day. susan and the crew

terri, i am in the same place you're in right now. i want to tell my family that i'm in therapy, but i dont' know how they will react. I'm afraid of them leaving me. but i have no choice. i am changing daily and it will only be a matter of time before the will eventually find out. i want to answer questions, but i am so tired. so very tired - Teresa

I am in therapy now but do not feel as if I am progressing. I don't know if my memories are really considered incest or sexual abuse. I feel if I just knew for sure I could move on to the next level. I want to address my family but I am afraid of what repercussions this would bring.-- terimehlberg

I've been reading the comments left by others and all I want to do is cry. Most of the time I just feel numb though. I think about what happened to me as a kid and it's like it happened to someone else but I know that's not true. I'm afraid everyday to trust, to feel. I'm better than I was years ago, I married a very gentle man whom I love dearly but that doesn't make the pain go away. Does it ever? I still feel obligated to see him (my father) even though he molested me. I just feel afraid to change things even though I want to. I feel really foolish. I thought I'd forgiven him but have been thinking that I still have a lot of rage. Does that ever go away? Is there ever an end to that, and the fear, and to being numb? Vic USA

I am a survivor of severe child abuse and author of the book "Child of Woe". I travel all over the world speaking in schools, prisons and conducting child abuse seminars, It was Jesus Christ who set me free to become a survivor and now I take His message f love and healing all over the world. I am Presently finishing 10 weeks of work in Bangkok Thailand. God Bless all you survivors, take your recovery message to a hurting generation of young people. Sincerely, -- Maury Blair - Canada

mlj, hang in there. it will turn out for the good in the end. that's what i've been told and when it seems like there will be no end, there is and it is wonderful. so hang in there. i will too. good luck! -- Teresa

I am still here and praying and i feel a whole lot better than i felt last week. Thanks to everyone that has emailed me with prayers and support and to the ones with no support. I cry every time i come to this wall because i did not think that people who do not even know me could be so caring and concerned. I just needed someone anyone to tell it to over and over, i can't explain why. I was so miserable last week, i don't wish that on anyone, and i could not do anything to make myself feel it was not my fault. One day when the investigation is over, justice or not, I am going to come back to this wall ....if i can help anyone i will.... God bless all of you mlj FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD, THAT HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON. FOR WHO SO EVER BELIEVITH IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH, BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE

i know. i made a decision that i would *NEVER* kill myself. it would make too much of a mess for everyone else to figure out. hopefully someday i will want to say that because i want to live. i'm hurting too much to actually say that right now, but i know someday i'll be able to do that. i go for my next appointment on thursday, and today i was so hurting that my friend asked me if i wanted to bump up that appointment. i know that i can deal with this and become a full survivor- one that can function. :) thanks for your words of faith. i need as much as i can get -- Tersea , USA

Teresa don't die, stay here with the rest of us survivors. the evil wins if you do that. believe me every victim thinks about dying and then they become survivors and want to live. now thinking i never really thought about really harming him ,just myself because i am stupid ,so stupid. he would love to see me dead right now and then all his problems will start to go away. no one will be here to help my daughter tell on him. and soon he would victimize again and the cycle will start over ,,,no way no way no way ... pray now! mlj

i myself was abused when i was younger, mlj, and i'm just starting to get help. i'm 21 now, and it started around when i was 6 and ended when i was like 12 or so. i bought this book called The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. it is a good r source for me and so i'm recommending it to you both for your daughter and for yourself. things will work out, and i hope you both hang in there. it hurts. it hurts so much that death seems like the better alternative. i hate it. i hate him. i want to die. i want him to die with me. i want to kill him then die. it just hurts to much. to damn much. -- Teresa

thank you teresa....its just going to be tough all the way for me and my daughter... ill get help some way.. writing on this wall and reading what others have to say have helped me tremendously...i thought of suicide once but i can not fail my daughter again and let her fight this battle alone.. the courts tell us it might be 6 months from start that they will tell us if they are going to prosecute him or not.. until then we are ..its like every thing is in slow motion.. i really appreciate your response.. mlj

mlj, do not blame yourself. what good is it going to do? there is nothing you can do now except love your daughter and show her how much she means to you. and it won't mean that you are crazy if you have to talk to someone- not necessarily a psychiatrist, but a counselor. someone who can help you with all this pain and guilt you feel. because there are people out there who are trained to help in these kinds of things. you did nothing wrong, except to believe in someone who violated not only your trust, but your daughter's. i tried emailing you but i had no email address. that's my two cents worth. - Teresa

I would like to tell other women out there, There is hope. Trust me, I was in a very abusive relationship for 11 years, it was demeaning and physically demanding, I stayed because of strong beliefs in home and family. I prayed alot and talked to close friends, but the most helpful thing that anyone ever done was directing me to the SPOUSE ABUSE SHELTER. There I learned many things that helped me deal with my abusive husband, Yes I went back to him, but I had something that I never had before, confidence t stand up to him and I knew I had a place to go. Also I was taught that staying didn't help my children it only hurt them, 5 yrs after I have left him and my children are older, they are glad that I left him when I did. So don't hold that guilt... Be free , Be happy....I am.....-- . Tammy (Ky)

i joined the wall 02/22/00 ... if anyone has anything similar to what i wrote about.. please email,, i just want to somehow stop blaming myself.. for failing my daughter. the first thing they asked me at the invest was if i am seeing a psychiatrist, therefore i feel i can not seek pysch help , because they are going to think i am crazy. i did not do anything wrong other than trust a man, believed him.. i trusted him.....i was involved with him for 20 years,20 years. i am better than last week, but i want to talk to someone that has been thru something like this. i got to be strong.. my family needs me mlj

After reading some of your responses, i feel stupid for writing, but maybe somebody can relate. my 20 yoa daughter has recently told me that my boyfriend of 20 years sexually abused her from 8 to 11yoa.she was always hostile towards him as far as i could remember. my daughter never had many friends, she dresses like a tomboy since 12 yoa,she hated me. i have had problems, emotional and physical since she was about 11. she even threatened my boyfriend with a knife when she was about 16yoa. i was there during this in incident. and she told him she will gut him, that she is not a little girl anymore. I did not understand the comment "i am not a little girl anymore". I was as blind as a bat. I never questioned her about this comment, and i realize now 5 years later that i should have. you see i have 2 other children for this man ,and i cared for him deeply. i was 19 when i met him and i was single with only my oldest daughter at the time.... i was totally in shock when my daughter told me this, lord have mercy, i never suspected anything. after my daughter told me i began to think and back then there were some things that happened that i thought were kind odd. i worked midnights and he would check on them at night time. i caught him there one night and asked him what he was doing there (we did not live together) he told me he was checking on the kids, i told him thanks, but i thought it was odd that he was checking on them and never told me he was checking on them... my daughter tells me he always did it late at night or early in the mornings. it fit his work schedules, he had a key to my house . .... there is a investigation on this now and i can not began to tell the rest. No i can not prove anything, i never saw anything (too stupid to see it)...but i believe my daughter, there is no way she is lying.... we are going to do what we can to bring this pedophile to justice, and if there is no justice, we will live with it... now it appears he has another ladyfriend ...she has 6-7 yoa female child that they say is not his.. she has been seeing him a while, she is in love with him....she is asleep just like i was ...after telling my daughter this, she became upset and said she hopes he does not do the same thing as he did to her . . we cried ,we both cried...i hope it is not too late ....God please help ...mlj

i usually give things a second chance. after all, the first time it may have been just a mistake, then the second time it happens they are out the door. away from me. you have to decide for yourself though.

I was abused by my husband for 8 years. I felt there was no way out, because I told him so many times I couldn't deal with being hit anymore, and he didn't seem to care, so I slit my wrist as a cry for help. It worked. I got hospitalized, then went into a shelter, then my sister took me in. This was four months ago. Now I am back home. We are trying to work things out. He is like a different person, the husband I always wanted him to be, and he says he will never hurt me like that again. He goes to therapy, anger management, and AA meetings. He has recently found out some terrible abuse he has been repressing that happened as a child. I have been home for about three weeks and we are getting along great. But everyone thinks I am crazy to be doing t is. Am I??? I believe my marriage deserves one more chance and if he does hurt me again, I know I have other ways out now. --Kim

i know what you are talking about. i think that if you use it as a copout, then you are just using it as an excuse to not do things and not do anything about it. like if you said that you were depressed because of the abuse, but then didn't try to do anything about the depression. then it would be a copout. but i think that there are serious consequences to the abuse that is suffered when one is young. i myself am suffering from it and i'm only 21. i'm afraid. i don't want to live like this for the rest of my life, but i don't want to not live. i've come to he point that if i do die, it won't be by my hand. it will have to be done either naturally or by someone else. i wonder the same thing. i know i used to use eating as a way to cope with things- boredom, and hatred of myself. which just made it worse because i am so fat. i don't know what to say. some days just breeze on by, but then some other days are just hell, and i have to take them minute by minute. i would encourage you to look to a higher being if you believe in one, but for myself i am struggling. i try to get out so that i force myself not to dwell on that. - Teresa

I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my stepfather as well as other male family members. It all began as a child but I have blocked out exact times and places. Today I am 33. There are so many issues that I relate to my abuse but feel like if I address them my abuse will become the focal point in my life. I don't want to drag my husband and my children down with me. I look at my nails that are bitten down to nothing, my obese body, my uncombed hair, and wonder if these are forms of self punishment. I know there has to be a reason why. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to feel good. I feel like I use the abuse as a scapegoat and that it's a copout, am I right or wrong? Someone please tell me. Linda (Ohio)

lisa- for me, the memories never stop. they come back when i am too tired to forget about them. like when i'm stressed or too tired. then i can't help but remember. i've tried running away from them, but it will never work. and i've told myself that i will never become an alcoholic or a drug addict, because in a sense that means that he won. he won completely and it would be worse because i let him win. the thing that helps me a lot is remembering that i have friends, people who care for me. even though they don't know me, mostly they know who i want them to know. so i rely on them. and i rely on this wall to get out my frustrations. - Teresa

I just wanted to say that what happened to me happened over twenty years ago, and every time I think I'm past it, I remember it all again. I find it hard to trust, hard to bond with new people, because trust is a weapon in the wrong hands. Trust is what enabled the person who hurt me. But you can't let it rule your life, or you will always be a victim. The abuser will always win, even if he (or she) is long dead, he will always have power over you as long as he is allowed to taint your view of the world . Not everyone is bad, not everyone is out to hurt you. And if you survived, then you are already stronger than you know. Remember that. I try to remember that every day. -- Marie

hi i have been reading the responses now i would like to post something. can i ask a few questions i want to know when do the memories stop? how long till life is normal again or half way? i was sexually abused by a family member for years in my child hood. and i think it hurts worse to know who did it. i have overcome depression but the memories won't stop. i know it will get easier in time but i have to move back to the area it happened and thats gonna hurt soo much. i don't know what to do when i get there. thanks for listening i needed to get this out to people who understand. Lisa

hi kris. i want to say, welcome to the wall, but it just seems wrong on some level. i know how you are feeling though. but i don't have any advice except to take things one at a time. i decided a long time ago that i would never kill myself, no matter how bad it got because there are more people out there who would be hurt by my actions, and probably blame themselves for it, even tho it isn't their fault at all. -- Teresa

I can empathize with all of you and reading this wall has given me hope. I was sexually molested by a man of the church when I was ten years old. Those are the memories I want to forget and have tried to push out of my mind. It has been ten years since then and the dark memories of my childhood still haunt me. I don't allow myself to trust anyone and push anyone who tries to get close away. When the memories do arise I feel so depressed to a point of where I am tired of living. I know that I have so much to live for, but I am tired of hurting and feeling scared. My heart goes out to all of you.-- Kris

i don't know how much longer i can live with this pain. it hurts so much, and i've hurt for so long i don't know if i want to live this way for the rest of my life. i know i'm strong, otherwise i would have killed myself long long ago. way before i even realized what was wrong. all i have to look forward to is a lifetime of fighting my inclinations to becoming a drug addict or an alcoholic. the only thing that stops me is that i know if i did kill myself, it would make my family feel horribly and i'd hurt people more than i am now. -- Teresa

what do you do when all you feel is pain? people say that i am so full of life, and that i'm fun to be around. could that be because i keep myself busy, otherwise i'll feel the pain? i had gotten on a somewhat even keel this year, then i started reading t is book about childhood pain. it said that i should open myself up to the pain, until i can feel it. maybe i shouldn't have done it. i hurt so much, and like i've stated i just want to die. it seems no matter what i do, i'll always feel this way. i know i feel this way now. i know i'm not going to kill myself because i have too many people in my life that would probably blame themselves because i can't seem to make anyone understand that i want to die to end the pain. it just seems like i have this huge black hole inside myself that is nothing but pain. i know i should probably go see a therapist, but i just can't make myself do it. i want to get rid of the pain, but the only ways i can think of to do that is drugs or alcohol, which i'm not going to do. it takes me wonder if i should even try to live when all i ever seem to see in the world around me, or even hear about is violence. what is the point in living if all you are going to do is die?? i know i'll die eventually, but i wish it would come soon. but hen i think about my family, and friends, and i don't want to die. for them. i have no reason to keep on living except that it would hurt them so much more, when it would bring me peace. what a dilemma. life is pain. i want to die. today in ethics we were talking about how to make moral decisions. there was a question about a little child who was born with a slew of problems and the biggest question was "what kind of life would the child eventually grow p with?" what would be the quality of life for them? that same question is plaguing me. am i having a quality life? what exactly does that mean? does that mean that i will live with this pain for the rest of my natural life? does that mean that i will liv for the rest of my life? i dont' know if i can do that. i dont' want to go on, and slowly, i find myself getting rid of parts of myself, until eventually i will have nothing left. i just want to die. now.-- Teresa

As an adult Thriver of childhood, teen and adult sexual, physical, emotional and mental abuse; I am here to testify that the floodgates of emotions that are opened during therapy will not kill you. The emotions are so new that they tend t feel as if they may overwhelm us and that we must somehow turn them off again. I am pleased to say that although it never goes away completely. Somehow there comes a pride, a sense of accomplishment in the sure and solid knowledge that "WE HAVE SURVIVED THE WORST! It is up to us how we choose to live the rest of our lives. Never again need we be a sex-toy to a pedophile, an abuser in any form. We can heal ourselves. Do not believe the abuse EXCUSES that get spoon-fed to us as we move through our healing journey. There is justice in this life. If you have not been abused, you know someone intimately who has been abused. Will you stand beside us, in an effort to end ALL forms of abuse? *safe hugs to all who will accept them* -- Dennice -- Visit Me

i have noticed that i seem to be going thru a set. i fall for a guy, then it doesn't work out and i don't think about guys for 2 years. then it starts all over again. what is so wrong with me? is it even me?? this last time, i didn't even want it. i fought it for so long, and fought so hard, but on that last day, i felt this huge hole in my heart open up. and i cried. i cried so hard. i love him so much. and nothing will come of it. i couldn't stop thinking of him. in everything i did, i could see him there, beside me. and i hated it because i knew it was going to come to naught. i wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophesy. and i wonder if i can ever have a *normal* relationship. the only real relationships i've had were completely sexual. and it is like or the longest time, i never wanted anyone to touch me because then they would see the hatred i feel towards myself because of what happened. because i can never get rid of the memories. they are there. in my head and i can never run away from them, because god knows i tried. all i ever wanted was a husband and kids. thats all. but i fear that i will never have that. who wants sloppy seconds? and the thing that makes me so mad is that i had no control over him! i even went after him! i hate him. i hate the fact that he has two daughters and i suspect him of the same thing! and they have no control over it. and they will grow up like me feeling like i do hating herself and not knowing any way of getting out of it. i am afraid that it is impossible for me to ever be loved and wanted like that. all i can pray for is to be busy. to keep my mind occupied. how is it that nearly everyone i know is getting hooked up with someone, and yet, i am still alone? i guess it must be me. maybe i just have this tattooed on my forehead- stay away. maybe my idea of love is just so fucked up it shows. who knows. if there is a god, he/she probably doesn't even know either. i want to kill off part of myself. but i cant. i have to live. even though i want to die. maybe slowly, i ca kill off parts of myself. everyone else says i am a wonderful person. but i think that is because they see only what i want them to see. i don't want them to see the real me because then they'd hate me as much as i hate myself. maybe even more. i want to cry out for help from god, but is there one? i've been taught by 18 years of catholicism that there is, and old habits die hard. i want to die because the pain is too much. but if i do that, then i'll just hurt others even more than i do now. so i'm stuck i hate it. -- Teresa

Been in counseling since march... been through some good times and hard times. Finding a way through slowly but surely. Would like to share something I wrote not so long ago: I want to talk But this I cant say, I want to talk, But I cant today. Today I talk, Ill talk today, Open my mouth, You'll hear me say..... I would have said this a long time ago, But my pain I disguised in a smile or a glow. The pain I have within is so real yet I hold A smile on my face and don't let it go. My anger and grief all hidden within. This shell I have built to hold out the din. Of the hurt of exposing and losing again, My life to another, another who grins.. At the time I knew no-one, no-one to trust You held out a life-line, I saw it through blurred eyes I tried to see reality, all I saw was pain, I didnt trust you, it was just the same.. I spoke to myself and thought "Why is this so?" this is me speaking Ive got to let go... Of all disappointment Ive faced in the past And look at another that will help me - At Last ! That "another". You showed me, "another" was going to be me And at the first stage I just couldnt see, How "me" could be anything like that strong But I was so wrong... Im starting to hear my own voice in my head, The voice that is stronger, the voice thats not dead, I look to the fighting within my brain, ... and think, Thats me too, I dont have to fight anymore...... (that doesnt rhyme!!) This is powerful stuff, and I am finding power, Power within, Power to grow, Power. Nicola

It has been many years since the attack. I was only a child. The boy since then has died. I thought I was coping with the trauma and shame pretty well. But it wasn't until I turned 40 years old and during my second marriage to a wonderful man that I understand that I am locked up inside. I want to love my husband with freedom from the inside but I a not able to feel much, I love him with my head which may be enough for some but not for me. I want to dance and sing I want to feel the warm fuzzies. I want to laugh. I am not able to yet. The anger about the pain and betrayal is all over me sometimes I cant get it off my body. I have been seeing a counselor that has been helping me see the pain. I don't really care to look at it up close. But the dreams are coming back. I am looking for freedom to love. -- Pat

*sigh* does anyone else feel like i do? all of a sudden i go from not wanting anyone to touch me, to someone who wants to be touched by everyone. i fantasize about various things being done to my body by various people, of both sexes. i feel like all of a sudden my sexuality is ok. that i can go out and conquer the world and it wouldn't be a bad thing. is that bad? first of all, i've always been told that i should wait for marriage for that sort of thing, but i want it now. and i dont' want to be stuck wit the same person for decades. how does one curtail these longings? help me please! -- Teresa

all i can say is that i feel sort of like rex does. i feel like i have a choice (of sorts) because i can try to forget about everything, and live a semi-normal life, that always seems to be punctuated by episodes of remembering that are extremely painful, not just for me, but it also hurts my relationships. i have often wondered if i could have a 'normal' relationship, and so far nothing has worked out for me. i am of the mindset now that nothing ever will. granted, i do not have many relationships to speak of (about 3 that i actually wanted to work out) or i could live my life remembering all the time what happened to me and being paralyzed. i just do not know what to do. at least now i can sort of take rejection. before, i always felt like it was something i did or did not do to please him. now i realize that it is a two way street, and i also need to be pleased sometimes. a lot of the time i wonder if it is something that i do to scare them off. if it is, i don't do it intentionally. i guess i've had an o time of it this last go-around in the whole relationship thingy. at least right now we are still friends, and nothing's really shaken it. i just wonder a lot if i *can* love someone truly because i once heard that before you can ask someone to love you, you need to love yourself. i find that very hard. at least now i do have some idea of my self-worth. but i have noticed that when i do feel down about myself and how the opposite sex sees me (at least as how i percieve it) i just want to mutilate myself. an i always want to hurt the parts of me that make me a woman. i never do, but the urge to do so is there. and i know it is wrong, but i also sort of know that i percieve my woman-ness as a bad thing at times. it has brought me some very unwanted attention, and i guess i feel like if i hadn't been a girl, then it wouldn't have happened to me. but then i realize that my brother was also abused by the same person. and it didnt' matter if i was androgynse. he still would have found some way to relieve himself o my body. -- Teresa

They say that time heals all wounds! This I don't think I can agree too. For me the road to recovery has been filled with deep pain, and little to no reward. The Man who abused me then, still continues to abuse me NOW. He robs me of my sleep, my peace, and even my Relationships with others. All I can say is that, through every moment in therapy, I have found no Solace and no peace. I do not believe the abuse ever stops once it has been perpetrated. For me, Therapy opened a Flood gate from which I can not close -- Rex

All I can say is time will tell and time will heal the deepest of wounds... You can't do anything to make the hurt and disappointment and sadness and anger leave your soul until you're ready. When you finally feel up to getting through it and realizing th t you can't do it alone, that's when the real healing begins... And it must... It must because he's already had too much control over your life, over your body, over your mind... It's time to take control and, without forgetting, reaching, trying to get t the bigger, the better, the greater, the best things in life...-- Sunflower

The clouds that surround my relationships is so dense. I am just now realizing that I do not know how to feel love. I am hopeful that I will learn. a good book by Dan Allender, on Healing is very profound yet very difficult. I pray that God will walk with me to the promised land called love. I will not give up on living I will not miss out. I will love again. -- Trapped in the fog

What I can't figure out is why I feel like I am still in love with him. He didn't rape me. He was my step-father and from age ? to age eleven, he visited my room and "made me feel good." That's what I called it. He pummelled my mother and verbally battered me. . .and then he would make everything better by sneaking into my bed at night and giving me oral stimulation. Sadly, I have never had a better lover. Sadly. We left when I was eleven and I have never seen him since. I want to et away from STILL wanting him to love me. I DID seduce him. I DID. At age eight, I gave him backrubs hoping he would give me those marvelous tingly orgasms that I didn't even know had a name. My life was an elaborate attempt to either avoid his verbal detonations, or to get him to come to me and be nice. Now, I can only love men who ignore me. How can I escape? -- Day

I was abused repeated since I was about 6 years old by my stepfather. I told my mother after the first incident, and she accused me of lying and has since been loyal to him. This lead into being raped by a junior high teacher, and another in high school. Sexual predators can often tell whom to target- I was a textbook case of an abused child, yet no one did anything, deepening my isolation. I was raped a third time in college, which caused me severe depression. That also began another series of suicide attempts. I am now 26 and want to be happy. I have a hard time trusting anyone, my family is estranged, and I am racist against my own color mostly because of the race of all of my abusers. I would like to hear from adult survivors- what did you do? How did you cope? How did you get back to loving you and others? I am confused by my boyfriend who I know loves me to death, but emotionally, I feel like a numb stone. I want to give him the love he deserves. I want to be happy. I want for others t be happy too. I know I am not the only one. I need help from you out there so that I can help the next survivor. We are here for a purpose, or else we would have perished from the pain. Please contact me. -- S.L.

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