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Hi everyone...I just wanted to tell you about my homepage! I'm in the process of creating it, it's no where near finished but your welcome to go have a look! its got a survivors chat room and forum, lots of survivors stories and a healing and self-help page. Also if you have any poems or would like to share your story please e-mail me and I'll put them up.-- Rebekah -- Visit Me

hello i hope everyone is hanging in i will be here for you. you are not alone love always-- Brandie

Hi, I have not posted in a very long time, but for those you that are new I felt I should so that maybe what I have to say might help someone. Even if it doesn't help anyone else, it helps me to share my thoughts. I was abused from ages 6 until 18 by my adoptive mother, father, and older brother. My adoptive parents would force my older brother to participate. My adoptive father is a minister, which made it very difficult to report him. He would not confess to t e abuse anyway, so I lived with it all bottled up inside. For punishment, when I would "misbehave", my parents would hold a lit match to my face to make me obey. To this day I am afraid of fire. I was adopted by these people when I was 19 months old, so I didn't remember any of my biological family. I lived through an abusive marriage that produced 2 beautiful girls. It is very difficult for me not to "overprotect" my daughters, they are 7 and 12 years old. I am married now to a wonderful man, who is trying very hard to understand everything I have been through, and he loves me anyway. Many days I feel very dirty and unlovable. Other days I feel ok about me. I was diagnosed with MPD/DID about 8 months ago and that has been very difficult to adjust to. My husband has been a Godsend, and I have found that with God all things are possible. Somedays it is very difficult to get out of bed while on others it isn't as hard. I know I have rambled around but I hope something I have said will help others. Safe hugs and prayers, Lisa

Hello fellow survivors. I just thought since I have not posted here in quite awhile that I would. I have found in my past month of discovery, that even though I cannot put these memories behind me again, that I can have peace sometimes. See, I had to find at least one thing n my life that brings me joy. For me, that joy is my son. The one who loves me unconditionally without judgement. The one that with only a simple glance in my direction, his eyes meeting mine, the innocence of his smile, makes me fill with joy. And you now what, while I was searching for that one thing that brings me joy, I discovered there are other things too. Simple things that help keep my mind occupied when it seems I am only surrounded by the past of horror. Not to say that I always can remember these peaceful things, but when my mind lets me, they bring me relief from my neverending thoughts. You would be amazed how many things actually bring you peace from your nightmares of day and night. But for instance, the thought of blowing bubbles make me smile, you know big ones, little ones, double ones. The soothing feeling of watching the stars twinkle in the moonlight. A nice breeze on a hot summer night. The smell of coffee and then the joy of drinking it. Listening to the birds chirping on a gorgeous spring morning. All things that are simple and somewhat easy to accept. These are certainly my own feelings, but deep down, everyone has similar joys or things they like. Its just a matter of identifying with them. Thing is, I didn't even realize how many things were relaxing and peaceful until recently. I had the opputunity to chat with some other survivors and we together, shared our joys. Some said they didn't have any until we all began to talk about it, and t ey to realized that at least "one" thing in their life brought them joy, peace, or simple relief. All of you can find one thing to help you through those tough times. I am by far a long way away from the light at the end of my journey. Each and every one of us are somewhere on that path. As we pass one another, or meet up with one another, or look to those further down that road, we should try to take one anothers ha d, guide those lost or falling behind and give each other strength to go that extra mile towards healing. I hope my sharing here will somehow reach out to someone lost on their journey or somehow struggling to take another step. We all fall behind somet mes, it's others and their strength that help pull us through, gives us that extra nudge that we need when we somehow find ourselves only idling. Or help us remember the simple joys left in our lives. We all have good days and bad days. When you are ha ing one of those bad days, turn to your joy or joys and let them bring you some peace. Our good thoughts are free, it's those that are horrible or tormentful that imprison us and keep us from being successful on our journey. May each and everyone that reads this somehow identify one "good thought" "one joy" in their life. I am only beginning my journey to healing from my past, but this has helped me through. Gave me that one more day. I wanted to share it with you all. Ble s all of you and be safe. Peace while healing. -- Sherrie

I was abused by a neighbor when I was 8 or 9 years old so I know what everyone is going through. It is so hard to talk to people about this. Sherrie, Brandie, and Hope, thank you for your stories. Bless you all! --Rose

we all will fet through our stories we all will survive I PROMISE!!!!!! Love always -- Brandie

Hello, my sisters and brothers. I hope and pray that you are all doing better than I am right now. Les, one of my alters, is flashing. Badly. Deb, another alter, is trying to calm her down, leaving me to deal with the guy that triggered the flash. I just wanted to offer my love and prayers to all who read this wall. *offers warm, supportive, caring, protecting hugs* Signed, Noel and Deb and Les and Krissy and Running Bear -- Madame Noel --Visit Me

Hello Sisters and yes, Brothers also........I was guided to this site by a new friend, MaryLou. Thanx, girlfriend! I had asked her help in finding sites that dealt with abuse and this is her top pick. I just started a site of my own to reach out to tho e that have been mentally and emotionally abused. Unfortunately, I've seen them all. I was sexually, physically and mentally abused as a child. This lead me right into abusive relationship after abusive relationship, drug use, promiscuity, you name it was there until just a few years ago. Now I'm healing.....I have a great husband and pretty good life now. This has been a hell of a journey, but I've learned to forgive and move on. If you have a moment, check out my site and drop me a line or two. promise, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. -- Kim --Visit Me

hello i hope everyone is doing ok. i am having a really bad day. i am just writing to tell every one that if you need help, someone to talk to , or just a buddy i am here for all my fellow abused friends. if you dont remember me i am the girl who was ab sed by her father for about seven years and turned him in at age twelve and sent the bastard to prisonb for 25 years. so i have alot of experience on the subject, i do not have e - mail or none of that but my work address is as follows feel free to write i understand we all need someone you can count on me for support. brandie dunn, jefferson county jvs, 1509 cty hwy 22a, bloomingdale oh 43910. thanks love you all -- *^brandie^*

Dear Hope, Sherrie and anyone who visits this site, Welcome! This site has been a Godsend for me, I hope it will be for you. This a long journey, which may not make many of us happy, since I for one would like it to be over now and to be getting on with a happier life, but it is not one we take alone. Because of this site and the HOPE advocate web site, we see that many of us have been abused by family, friend and therapist. Thank you for allowing me to share with you, Please forgive me if sometimes I co e across as angry or bitter. YOu see, even though my husband has changed and is working toward a real relationship, I still hold the feelings for csm. He is my first love. I never allowed myself to love anyone at that level before because of the abuse f om childhood. I let him into places I didn't consciously allow God into. Not that God didn't know about it, but I just didn't want Him there. It was a sacred, special place I locked up when my dad and older brother began the abuse. I gave my T my deepe t heart and when I quit, he said "can't you take it back?" He just doesnt' understand that when you invite someone to love you, when they feel safe for the first time in their life, that you get their best! I still haven't been able to reclaim that part f me. I find that some days I still don't know who I am and I want him to tell me who I am. Yet, because of God's great mercy and love, I am still alive and I left him because I truly do love him and to love someone you want the best for them and this wa the best. I stopped us before we went too much farther. But, he lied to me, he lied to the board, and they do not check with the complainant after they start their process, you leave it in their hands. His attorney was able to duplicate his double spea . My current T looked at the copies of the chart notes we finally got, and she could see, since she interviewed him and saw him with me on three occasions, that he lied. But, you see, T's can't really tell on one another, unless it's current and csm had already been dismissed and set free. So, it has been very difficult. But, thanks to this site, I can share, I can see others go through similar problems and know we have hope, we have life, we have freedom and we will get through this. Thank you, God b with you, He was with me and saved me from suicide. He will do the same for all of us if we call out to Him. You are precious to Him, He did cry with us and for us, but He loves us all so much,He gave us all free will. I am so grateful you have ethical herapists. It is vital to your healing. The feelings are normal. I still love him and unfortunately, it will always be there, but I have chosen and did choose to do that which God would have me do, leave. It saved two marriages. However, he goes free, lo king like the good T who was complained about by a bad client and I have to start from ground zero. Of course, since I am too open about this, my life will never be the same. But, it's worth it if it helps one other person and prevents at leastone more ca e of therapy abuse. Thank you all, rickilyn

Sherrie, I just want you to know that I am really rooting for you. This is a hard and difficult road. I truly feel that when this was happening to us that God was crying. In fact here is a poem I found on the internet: God Is Weeping It’s dark and cold down here A child curls up and cries; God sadly shakes his head, As tears fall from His eyes. A mother beats her little girl, Blow after violent blow. And God protests helpless rage, As He views the scene below. The little girl lies sleeping; Her father stumbles in, And God protests in horror, As he rapes his child again. He bends His head in sorrow Lightning fills the sky; Rain storms flood the earth, And God shudders as He cries. -------------------------------- There is no question in my mind that God has wept for all of us. There is no doubt in my mind that God holds us all close to His heart and He will help us on this ardous journey. Sherrie, hang in there with us. We are all here for you. I think it helps to read other peoples stories on the wall so keep checking it. And try to read as many books as you can on this because I found that to be quite helpful. God Bless You ALL. -- Hope

Rickilyn, I think I read a poem or article about your therapist abuse. It was very touching. I'm glad you warn people on this wall about it. My therapist has discussed everything with me. I feel truly blessed that he is ethical in every way. Because I understa d that many of them aren't. He is like a gift from God to me. But I think its wonderful that you can remind people about this because it is so true what can happen. I am so sorry for what you went through. That has got to be rotten and so difficult. I also think its great you can suggest different books to read. I have read several and the more I read, the more it helps me. Have you ever found any good chat rooms or anything for this?? I find this wall quite touching with what people share. I will keep you in my prayers too and will look at this wall every now and then to see how you are doing. -- Hope

I would like to say thank you to Rikilyn and Hope for their words of encouragement. It is truly a long journey to relief from the nightmares and memories. It is good to know they're are others out there that understand and can relate to the way one feel . We all have such a long road to travel and mine is only beginning. But I know my road is not an untraveled one and that others too have been there and have found hope at the end of their path. Once again thank you and God Bless all of you in your jou ney to freedom from the past. I know we will never be totally free, but at peace someday. Peace with our God Almighty by our side to see us through. -- Sherrie

Sherrie and others, I just read what Rickilyn said and it is so beautiful. And I find it to be all true. I was abused by three members of my family and just discovering it out now at 47. It is the hardest thing I've ever done and sometimes I feel I won't make it. I'm not ready for a group. The only way I can deal with it is to talk to a therapist. I see him twice a week. I must admit, what she said about male counselors is true. I did develop and still have feelings for my therapist. Luckily, he is one of the ones who is totally ethical. And we have discussed my feelings for him in therapy. My feelings for him are that I feel I love him and would like to make love with him. He is very careful about boundaries , which we didn't have as children,. We sit so far apart and he does not touch me. If he weren't so ethical, I could be in deep trouble just because of these feelings for him. But, having a man therapist , who is ethical is wonderful. It is nice to have a good relationship with a man. It gives hope for the future. I read everyone's story and my heart just goes out to all of you and me. God Bless You all. And believe it, God is with you and LOVES YOU -- Hope

Sherrie, Perhaps the reason you are remembering your abuse now is that you are in a safe place, where you can fall apart and know that you will be supported. Or, perhaps your son has reached the age of the onset of your abuse. Whatever the reason, Our Heavenly Father wants you to heal from the abuse. He has a plan for your life, one that is for good. However, whenever Our Father is mentioned to survivors the question of why did God let this happen comes up. Remember we are the beneficiaries and the victims of free will. He loves us so much that He gave us free will. The abusers had free will and they chose to ignore God and to abuse us. As to the why's, I too am one who longs for answers, for logic, there may not be any. But, always remember it was not and is not your fault. You are not responsible for the abusers behaviors. You were tricked, manipulated, emotionally blackmailed. Children do not have any defense against their abusers. Adults have no defense against abusers, if they are survivors of childhood abuse, because emotionally we are still that little child. We may walk around in a man suit or a woman suit, but we are that child. It may be the time for your inner child to be heard, to be comforted, to learn she is not responsible, that she is precious and of great value, worthy of love and respect. Please know that you are worthy of all of this and the healing journey, while painful and sometimes crazymaking, is worth it. You are worth it. Take good care of yourself, be as kind and compassionate with yourself as you would be with a friend. If you don't have one, find a good therapist who is skilled in working with survivors of childhood trauma. I would suggest a woman counselor simply because with a man it is easy to develop feelings for him, in trying to relive our past. A lot of male counselors are ethical and understanding,but some have their own problems and may develop feelings for you, which can be disasterous! I know, I have been there. It is almost worse, or perhaps it is worse than reliving the terror of our childhood. So, if you don't have one, seek carefully an ethical, competent counselor. You are so precious, a gift to yourself and to those who have the honor of knowing you. You belong to a group of very courageous women! May God Bless you and protect you in your journey. -- rickilyn

Until recently, I guess I forgot about the abuse I suffered at the hand of not one, but three men that were in my life as a child. But suddenly, totally unexpected like, my mind said it was time to remember. I am trying to figure out why now. I am 25 years old and this all happened so long ago. There is so many memories that fill my head. They have overwhelmed me so suddenly. I feel like I am going to go absolutely crazy if I continue on the path I am on now. I ask myslef, what the hell are you going to do. I have a family, a beautiful son, and now I feel so distant from them. I have discovered that I am a person that I didn't know existed. A person I suppressed for 15 years. I never admitted it to anyone, until recently. I had to tell someone. But it is so hard to talk about it. I think about the abuse I had to endure at such a young age. The innocence torn from my soul, the pureness of a child ripped apart. Left to deal with a life of horrible memories. Memories I have never come to terms with. Not only sexual abuse at the hands of 2 men, but sexually, physically, and mentally by my very own father. How does one do that to their own child? How do I deal with all of these emotions I feel now. Why now? Why can't these awful thoughts that fill my head, just go back where I buried them so long ago? I feel trapped, angry, ashamed, embarassed, confused, and in dismay. If someone out there has an answer to my questions, please tell me. I don't know how much longer I can deal with the unknown answer of WHY!! I am one that needs an answer to everything. There is a logic to all. And this one, well, I can't find this one. I have been such a self-rightious bitch all my life, and now when I need an answer the most, I can't find it! I am falling apart quickly, and it didn't take long. I always thought I was in control, to now find I never have been. Only living a fantasy that "it" never happened. I only began remembering this about a week ago, and it has turned my life upside down. I need help, but could never talk to someone about this face to face. It has always been one of those "deep dark secrets" that you NEVER tell. I know I will find the answer. God willing, I will. God Bless you all in your healing process. I am glad to know there are others out there that are on the right track to freedom from their nightmares.-- Sherrie

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