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I have been in the process of recovery from abuse as a child for many years now, and After 7 years now, I am again beginning another road of recovering some memories that are still repressed, bringing on extreme fears and terror. When I wake I am unable t move or talk.....If anyone has any suggestions for me or has had any experience like it please email me thank you. -- Lin

To SECLUSE: I also am a mother of a 16 year old son. So much of your story sounded like mine. My son was sexually abused when he was 5. We did not know until last August. We had suspected that something must have happened, because he also was full of anger. He also was very verbally abuse to his 13 year old brother. He had gone to several counselors over the years. One just last June had told me that we may never find out what happened until he reveals it. And that he may never reveal it. And, that a lot of times, for some reason, it doesn't come out until the person is in their 30's. Our son became an alcoholic and an addict. He became very abusive and even violent. He had one suicide attempt. A lot of his anger was directed at me through the yea s. He was in rehab last summer, and thankfully the abuse finally came out when he was in therapy there. It had happened at a babysitters house. He was only 5 years old. We never suspected. This person threatened him with things if he told (which probably explains your sons fears when he was younger). I was the one who brought him to the babysitter, which explains his anger at me all these years. My God, they were only 4 and 5 years old!!! They didn't even know what was happening to them. It's not like a 15 year old that at least understands what is physically being done to them. I believe your gut feeling is correct. You are his mother. You know him better than anyone. I think you have a reason to be concerned. I pray that he will be able to get his out soon. Is he depressed? Has he ever used drugs or alcohol? Please e-mail me if you would like to chat. I often feel all alone because I can't talk to anyone about this that knows what I am going through. Because of the investigation, a lot is confidential. Take care of yourself SECLUSE. I just found this place today, and when I read your post I could not believe it. Take care.-- June

"espy", I recieved your e-mail. your e-mail address didn't work. if you happen to see this...please, try again. -- deedee

I have previously posted a few days ago, I have an e-mail address now, and a new e-mail support group called, 'SISTERS UNDER THE SKIN' FOR WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY, AND CULT/RITUAL ABUSED. If you have tried to find support thru crappy websites not g eared towards your needs, no fear, a new one is developing as we speak!!!!! Until then, drop me an e-mail if you want to contribute in any way, help w/ the site, or if you just need an ear. We're here for you. SO DON'T GIVE UP!!!! !-- Ginny R Shaw

I am 22 years old. I have been through alot of struggling in my identity these past few years. I sought to feel close to someone and when I did, it was sexual. When I had opportunities to just be close to someone and feel their love without sex, I still wasn't satisfied, I view sex as the closeness I needed, then I would just feel guilty. It never solved anything. Some nights, I would be so depressed, that I wanted to feel something, so I would go to the cruising locations in town and find a guy to be with. Generally they were all great amount older, looking to take advantage of younger guys. Anyways, I was trying to come to grips of homosexuality. Then under counseling it was revealed that I was molest multiple times, by a couple different people whe n I was around four, and I then realize all my life I had showed symptoms of this abuse, just wanted to believe I had the perfect family, perfect life. I can't recall must of my childhood. Perhaps, for the best. Because of the molestation, it greatly confused me. I wanted to find out who all done it and confront them, no forgiveness was in my heart. But because of God, I have grown to forgive them, whoever they may be. I do believe I know who the guys were. I struggled greatly with homosexuality an to an extent I still am. But God is pulling me through these struggles of life. And He can and will do the same for all of you. If you would like to discuss any of my testimony in further regards. -- Chad

Hello. I am a survivor of extreme childhood violence and sexually-inappropriate behavior by assorted relatives. I have done well in my field--writing--but still suffer from the usual awful after-effects: suicidal ideation, self-hurt, etc. It helps to talk with others about this. I would especially enjoy hearing how others in "the arts" cope with this stuff. Thank you and take care. -- Email Me

I can't sleep. I rarely do. I know. I remember and I never forgot. I am alive and I am surviving everyday. I can't cry. It's like if I could everything that holds me together will break and at this point I trust not even myself. Earliest memories. I have lost adult life trying to sort through the madness. What is childhood? I haven't even been to high school. Oh how I wish. I wish to heal my mind, body, and soul. One day I will stand on that mountain high and yell "YOU NEVER BROKE ME I AM STRONGER I SURVIVED! I will make a wish everyday and they will collect and grow. 22 years old and growing and wishing. -- Anon

This is not about myself, it's about my 16 yr. old son.When he was around 4 yrs. old he became very depressed, crying all the time, saying he wanted to die. He would frequently tell me he was sad but he didn't know why. Over the next 5 yrs. he experienced terrible nightmares,thinking someone was going to kill him, terrified to go to bed at night.He would be suspicious of his dad and I, that I was poisoning his food, or his dad would hurt him with his hunting knife. He became preoccupied with sexuality,I'd catch him trying to perform sexual acts with neighborhood kids, he'd ask me if boys could get pregnant. of course I thought he'd been sexually abused. He spent three years in counseling and never once told the counselors a thing about being abused. He hated going to counseling, never cooperated with them. There came a point where they told me they couldn't help him, they thought he had been abused but until he admitted it they couldn't help him. Several years later I still am tormented with the thought of what possibly happen ed to my son. Every day I live with the thought in anguish and wish there was something I could do. It's been a few years since the matter has surfaced with him but I never forget! He's a bright young man, very athletic, very popular in school, a high achiever. But there's a very angry side to him. He doesn't like to talk about feelings, hides everything under the rug, is verbally and physically abusive to his 13 and 11 year old brothers, and can be a very angry young man. Still to this day he sees counselors as threat and refuses to go. I know in my gut even though he's never admitted to anything he was abused, by whom I'm not sure. He now lives with his father, so I only see him a few times a month. But it always haunts me, my heart aches for him I want to help but I don't know how. I want to know if my suspicions are way off base, can someone who's a survivors help answer my questions! Mom who's heart still aches... -- Secluse

Hi. I can't believe I'm actually admitting this. When I was twelve, I was sexually by a relative. Then, exactly a year later, I was abused by a group home worker. Now, five years later...I'm still here. I still have nightmares and flashbacks and am terrified of life... If anyone wants to talk, feel free to email me. I need as many friends as I can get.-- Kali

I have been in therapy for 5 years with the same therapist. Up to this past week, I have had an incredible results, and really happy with our relationship. I never felt "cozy " with her, but I have always felt that she was invaluable as I learned about boundaries, knowing what I wanted to do, etc. She guided me thru burn out and such. I am a abuse survivor but have yet to access the pain fully from the past. On Friday of last week, I was stunned past knowing what to do. She told me she is divorcing her husband, moving to Indiana to marry a guy off the net, leaving her practice, her business associates and much more behind her. I knew our relationship would be coming soon to an end, as she was going to law school and keeping her therapy practice at the same time. She was nearing the end of her law school and I thought she was going to be articling anyhow. Her news stunned me, totally out character for her, and I can no longer trust her judgment. I sent her an email telling her that I was terminating our relationship. This Friday is our last session.... I feel so sad... I mean I was hoping to go out with a successful sort of thing and now its more of a whimper. -- Kayjay

I'm 31 years old. At 11 years old and I was sexually abused by my oldest brother, I also lost my best friend in a car accident. At 16 years old I was molested a couple of times by an uncle. I tend to minimize the effects those things had on my life. I thin k other people have problems that are alot worse than mine. I am an alcoholic and I have several family members who are also alcoholics. I have been diagnosed with severe depression by a shrink that I used to see. I have trouble concentrating at my job a job that I used to love). I've been suicidal since I was 11 years old. I have never actually tried suicide but I'm getting sooo... close! I know what to do. I have a couple of plans. I've had a long time to think about it, 20 years is a long time. Unlike some people, I have told family, I have told friends and I have told shrinks. I've told them what happened, I've told them I'm suicidal. Sometimes I think they just don't get it! Family wants me to get over it. Friends want me to get help. Shrinks want m to take anti-depressants. I've tried all of those things and at this point I'm still at a total loss. I don't know what to deal with first, the death of friends, the abuse, the alcohol, the family abuse of alcohol... Where do I start? A friend once told e (a friend that didn't know as much about me as you know now) that I should be a shrink. She thought I was very good with advise. I am very good with advise. When it comes to other peoples problems I'm full of good advise. When it comes to my own problem I'm at a total loss. I know what I need to do for myself and it just seems like too much. Twenty years just seems like too many years to deal with (excuse my language) this SHIT!!! I'm so tired and I'm so drunk. I'd like someone to e-mail me. If you need advice (remember I'm good at that) or if you'd like to give me some advice or just talk, I'd like to here from you. There is hope, I know there is. I just haven't found it yet. -- Deedee

I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was around five years old. I had a hard time dealing with it, when I started having flashbacks about the abuse. I was even thinking of suicide. Luckily, I ended up getting the help I needed with a very good therapist, that helped me see that I did nothing wrong. Now, I am in a relationship, with a very patient and understanding man. I still have a lot to work on, but I know I can do it. One thing I know is that I refuse to sit back and be a victim any longer, I can happily say I am a survivor.-- Kathy

Survivors, This is a note of courage, so read and take heart. Sexual abuse needn't ruin the rest of your life, even if some times it feels like the anger, anguish and pain inside your body will never leave it. I understand all these feelings, having gone through them myself at some point or another. But, working through it, with the determination that your abuser will not win in the long run is the best justice there is. Sexual abuse is an act of power, not sex. And therefore, don't allow the bastards to et you down, as U-2 sang. It sounds cheesy, but true. I am 28, and the classic incest survivor. Abandoned by mother, abused physically and sexually by father. It could have ended badly, but I found a family who wanted to adopt me, and treat me like a normal person, not a frail sad child. This is not to say t turned out perfect, either. I still have intimacy issues, and because of my fighting spirit, men have a hard time getting close to me. In the end, I have accomplished more than what I ever expected: I have traveled extensively, live now abroad, found and made substitute families with friends who understand and love me. The one thing that is said about me is, how could I turn out to be so 'normal.' I do not buy that people who were abused might be abusers themselves. I would rather die than ever hurt a other person intentionally, much less inflict the kind of pain I went through on someone else. Sometimes when we can't punish the person who inflicted such horror on ourselves, we have to make the best of what we have. My childhood was robbed from me, al ong with my innocence, but the one thing which I know for certain is: my father took just these things, but could never beat out of me or rape out of me, my will to persevere. My father is now alone, and been in many car accidents due to his drinking. He has also been incarcerated for vehicular homicide, and put under house arrest. The body he used to brutalize me with is now twisted and misshapen from these accidents. He has suffered far more than I, and I can't help but feel that when he dies, I want to be there to make sure he is really gone. Then, I will be truly free. I on the other hand, made a life for myself, and have seen places I dreamed I would see as a child. I jus got back from Kenya three weeks ago. I am not wealthy, I work in a kibbutz with children, whom I love like my own. To those girls who write about despair and hurting themselves, I say don't let your abuser win! Prevail. Or as Sylvia Plath wrote in her poe m "Daddy," ... Daddy, daddy you bastard, I'm through. Be strong and have courage, it does get better even if you feel total despair! Love, -- Lilah

I am 25, I was sexually and cult/ritual abused as a very young child, and now I am dealing with it. it is hard to deal with something you blocked out, and don't understand. I have no computer, so no e-mail address. but here is my work address, if anyone w ants to start a 'support thru the mail' type thing. ginny shaw. 318 south lillian ave. bolivar,mo.65613. I will respond to anyone, I know how it feel. the emotional death, the drying soul, and no feeling. also, does anyone have problems with bathing? I can t seem to bathe and it bothers me. I am not lazy, but I cannot get myself to take a shower every day, or every other day for that matter. I want to know why I don't. I think water may be a trigger, but I'm not sure. the things done to me were terrible, in humane, and so sick, so wrong. I wonder now how I didn't go crazy, kill myself (although I tried!!) or develop mpd. please write me, we are all sisters( and brothers) 'under the skin.' thank-you, and good luck on your healing. don't do it alone. I wish I could scream and yell and throw a fit. I try so hard to be alive, and remember. the ritual abuse is so new, and so un-believable. I have never wanted to be a liar SO BAD in all my life. if anyone out there was cult abused, please write. the things I have pictures of are; blood, bowls, chalices, rope, mirrors, hoods, robes, long knives, designs on a table, animals being killed, animals had sex with, people forcing me to do sex stuff to the animals, a lot of people meshed together naked, chanting, I talk about it a d it makes me sick, makes me ill. I feel so small, and I don't want to trigger anyone with all this but it happened to others and I want to talk to you. I am so desperate for friends I can talk to who can listen to me, and I them. forgive me if I sound why y, or needy, I am just scared.-- ginny r.shaw

How do you know if you've been abused? I'm 20, a lesbian, and have been diagnosed with ADHD (although I have it under control much better than when I was a kid.) The reason I call myself a lesbian is that I know I will never have a sexual relation with a man. I can be attracted to them, I ca cuddle with them and be turned on, but as soon as things become more sexual, I disconnect. Whenever someone tells me their story of being raped or molested I become incredibly angry and wish to cause the abuser harm. Please write me if you have similar symptoms, or if you have any advise, etc.... -- Amanda

I've never told all of this. After reading your brave stories, you give me the courage to do so. God bless all of you. I was sadistically raped/abused by a music teacher from 12-14 years old. My Mom would innocently drop me off every M onday after school for voice lessons for 1 hour and that is when this 72 year old "teacher" had his way with me. I was still in my Cathol ic Grade School uniform. He'd make me strip naked and sing in front of him while he inserted objects inside of me an touched me all over. I had to keep singing...or else. Oral sex was frequent, too...always while he was playing the piano. Then he graduated to raping me...at times I felt like my hips came out of their sockets. He left me with Herpes. Anal sex has caused chronic hemorrhoids The worst came when the sadistic side of him came out. One day he was tired of anal sex and decided to stick a hot light-bulb into my rectum. Just for your information, I'm from a wonderful family of five. He was an old man who manipulated my trust and made me care for him dearly before any of this started. His wife was very ill and in the hospital...I loved her very much. He told me that she would die if I ever told anyone. He also told me that my parents wouldn't ever believe me and that just hearing it would kill them. I was only 12. I finally told my family when I was 20. Now I'm 28. Since then, I've tried to kill myself, had an eating disorder for 12 years requiring at least 5 inpatient treatment centers, cut myself for a short while, drink sometimes excessively and have serious problems sexually. I was once a total prude, then went to the extreme opposite...now I'm celibate and will remain that way until marriage. Wow. Now I don't know if I feel better or worse. Mainly I just feel ashamed. He's been dead now for several years, but he still visits me nightly in my dreams.-- Kathleen

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