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Well, I'm 28 years old. My sexual abuse started at the age of 12 when I was adopted. It lasted until I was around 19 or 20. I was physically abused by my step mom long before that. So I was already really messed up to say the least. My abuser was my adopt d father. He knew of my physical abuse before i met him. I feel like i was his prey. He made me his best friend. We were close. I could talk to him about anything. Things I should have been able to tell my mom I couldn't. I told him. The first time I can emember my dad made me stand in his bedroom naked and touch myself while he masterbated on the bed. That was the one and only time i can recall telling him I didn't want to. He made me feel bad for not wanting to. So I did. Afterwards he took me to GasTow for as much candy as i wanted as a reward. I was a candyholic! That was always the treat for afterwards. And as sickening as it may sound i looked forward to those days when I could get candy. How shallow huh? I don't recall him ever telling me not to t ll or threatening me. Why didn't I? I will never know. I can remember him buying dirty books and make me sit on his lap and read them outloud to him. He would make me do the things to him that they did in the books. Always candy afterwards. He drank alot and he started giving me beer. I hat d the taste at first but i got drunk the first time! A new escape for me! Where was my mom you ask: At work or late union meetings. Never got along with her anyway my dad was my best friend. He did make sure that she was taken care of though so she wouldn t suspect anything im sure. I had to make sure she was happy. I hated her for getting in the way of my dad and i drinking and smoking pot. Thats all i wanted to do. Anyway, we would go the the video store and he would rent x-rated films for us to watch. M stly of mothers and sons that i can remember. And of course he would buy the vodka to drink before. I can remember him pouring a drink for me and then go take a shower. I would gulp that down and pour myself another one before he got out. And then cater t his needs. There is still a red stain on my bedroom carpet where i threw up all over the place. I told my mom i spilled redpop. It was vodka and cherry 7up i think. I tried to drink so i would pass out alot. My dad started getting mad at me because he wo ld have to do the laundry from my throwing up before my mom got home. He started cutting down my booze intake after that. I hated him for that! That was my only escape! I started to pretend to pass out. I got real good at that but it made him mad. I hated him for making me go to school{jr.high} the next day when i was throwing up in the shower and hung over! He didnt want my mom finding out that i was missing school when she was gone. I felt so paranoid walking in to class. Thinking they all knew what i was doing. I was very secluded and alone. I started running track and cross country. My dad would always te l me how beautiful i was and how i had a georgeous figure. I knew how to please him. I was very in to myself. Read a lot of books to escape. Music was my outlet. LONER! I was really into those dirty books to. I would read them at night under my covers. I as so confused! My dad would try to get me to get one of my girlfriends to come and join us but i couldn't! I was too ashamed and afraid they would hate me and not understand what we were doing! Thank God! I would never have been able to forgive myself if that would have happened! I tried overdosing a couple of times. And running away but i always came back. My parents put me in counseling but i never told anyone. I came close one time. My counselor asked me if i had ever been molested and if i knew what t at meant. DuH! No i had'nt and yes i think i knew what that meant. Almost told him but backed out at the last minute. That was it for me. I withdrew from the whole world at that point. Could never tell anyone ever! Pushed it to the far corners of my brain for good. I felt so crazy! I was talking to people who were hiding in my closet! I couldn't even look at my eyes in the mirror{unless i was dirty dancing}. SEX SEX SEX. I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I hated having to cross the street because i knew E ERYONE was looking at me. ME ME ME. They all wanted to get me into bed with them. They all thought i was sexy. The guys i dated after i moved out all loved me! They all wanted to go out with me because i was nice and good looking. Can you find a better co bination for a date? Plus i slept with them on the first date. Of course i would. Isn't that what you do make the guy happy and give him what he wants so he will like you? As long as i can drink. I was never able to sleep with anyone until i was wasted fi st. Until i met my husband and even then i couldn't for the longest time. Whats NORMAL? How are you supposed to act? I am very observant. I try to watch other people and see how they do things to get a feel of whats supposed to be done. But i have good instincts. I know now whats right and wrong. I have a habit of going overboard on anything i do though. I am a procrastinating perfectionist. Its all or nothing! I am now in AA for 1 1/2 years now and doing ok. All these memories came out about 2 years ago! I had totally blocked out everything! Everything was fine and i really believed it. Now am working on my inner child. She got the worst of it. I feel for her and all the children of the world. If i see anyone hurting another child i just want to beat the crap out of them! I have broken the cycle of abuse in my family. Just because i was mol sted and beat up doesn't mean i have to do it to. I don't want to. I love people! Its no excuse! My mother is still living with my father and she knows what he did. She thinks she can support both of us at the same time. Im trying to break contact with he but she wont let go. Life is hard but im managing One Day At A Time. Taking it easy and going slow or trying to. Im addicted to these rooms now! Cant stay away knowing there are other people like me out there. Need to talk and realize that i do have feelings. Thanks for listening. Cheetah Email Me

Well, this is really a hard thing to do I don't know where to start...I was abused by 6 men during the ages 8-15. Friends of my mother owned a restaurant where we used to come like almost every day. A man whose wife was working there really liked me and do bad things to me while noone else was watching, everybody liked him. I always had to sit on his lap and stuff li e that, even though I didn't want to. They would say: Why are you behaving like that he's a really nice man. This went on and on untill I turned 14. At the age of 11 My mother started working there and I used to help them also with the restaurant. Wheneve I had to go inside the kitchen ,the kitchen-staff would be all over me. They made me feel like It was my own fault(I was the one who went into that kitchen eventhough I was only trying to help) and they scared me so much that they made me go to the resta rant after school, when no boss was around only them..... I haven't told anyone about this. Except to 2 of my friends, but they don't know how to react or what to say. I don't feel like I can talk about it with them or anything, I'm really afraid that they'll freak out when I tell them stuff. I feel scared and a one but I guess everybody-else does that as well. Love and peace to everyone out there, feel free to e-mail me. I know it's hard though. Anon

I am so excited to have a place to express myself to others but mainly to connect with others who have experienced sexual abuse and incest. I have felt alienated my whole life because I buried my feelings and experiences and didn't let anyone get close. I did that for so long that now that I would like to get closer to people I don't know how and I don't know even what normal is. I don't know how to be "myself" because I've always denied my feelings and my reality and tried to appear like everything is oka . I'm just now trying to be real and to trust my own reality rather than doubt it. It is hard though. I have been working with a wonderful therapist for 5 years on my incest issues. My father molested me when I was 3 and 4 and a clergy person molested me when I was 12. I will not go into much detail now but I am dying to talk to someone that can relate to me (which I'm sure all of you can). I am 27 and have never really been able to make close friends because I feel I am so different and so emotionally out of control. I feel often times like I just have emotional problems when really I know I am only grieving for what I've been through. I would love any e-mail as I am tired of being so alone with this. My mother agrees with me that this probably happened but does not want me to speak a word of it again to her or to my sisters which I haven't. My father of course denied it. I've lost a family because of this and I'm desperately trying to create my own family of people who can know me as I am and still accept me. Thanks for listening. Please write.-- Email Me

It's been years since I was abused by my grandfather. I thought it was all my fault and it was a punishment that I deserved for being a bad child. I was so afraid to tell my parents because I thought they wouldn't believe me. But they did and I felt much better after I told. A little while after it all came out, my grandfather put a gun to his heart and pulled the trigger. My two older sisters, whom he abused too, didn't take it as hard as I did. I thought it was all my fault again because I told and I cried. I never did go to the funeral and I'm not too sure he had one. But the important thing is, it's NEVER, EVER YOUR FAULT you were abused. It will be hard to get on with life for awhile but you can't keep blaming yourself for what happened. Just trust in the Lord and everything will work out just fine. He will help you through all of your trials. Just pray to Him and it'll all work out. This goes for the men too. Don't be ashamed or think you'll look foolish to admit you've been abused. No o e will tease you or think it's just one big joke. Jesus loves you. Don't beat yourself up feeling guilty over something you think you're responsible for. Please don't be afraid to tell someone and don't think someone won't believe you. They might SAY you're lying but they KNOW that it's true. People usually don't make up a story like that. Go to the police, a teacher, a friend, your pastor or your friend's pastor, anyone you know you can trust. You have to tell someone before the abuse gets worse to unstoppable. Every once and a while, you might think about it, but you've just got to push it out of your mind and never dwell on it. You can't pretend it didn't happen, but you can try to forget it did. -- Anon

I have so many issues that I could write about concerning Childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by my grandfater for 10 years, then when I finally got married after many failed relationships, my xhusband molested our children. They have been molested al o by a man in the neighborhood. Now that they are teenagers they are dealing with issues from being molested. This whole topic has plauged me for my entire life and there is just so much I could say. But will say that today, I made a new discovery. S , often as children we feel so ALONE and separate from others. We carry this feeling into adulthood and that is why lists and indigenous support groups work so well, we find out from others who have been there, how common some of the effects n our adult l ves are. I remember feeling so validated when my adult cousins finally came forward and admitted that they too had been abused by my grandfather. While I hate that it happened to them, I felt better about myself, it was not just me, not just something la king in my character that prevented me from stopping the abuse. I am 40 years old now and realize that that feeling, of "hey, I'm not alone in my thinking or acting this way" is still effecting me. I read below where someone said that her brothers made er feel somewhat ashamed, she wrote "Why do survivors have to earn a place in society and in our families? Do we remind them of how weak they are?. I am in a continual sadness about the way my brothers treat me and the way others have treated me, like I was the abuser, like I was somehow responsible and guilty also. While I don't feel shame or guilt about it anymore, I hate their small mindedness. It hurts me and I feel a sence of injustice. I really felt alone in this feeling as I never heard anyone e press it before. I felt so alone in that feeling that it never even occured to me to share it with anyone else. I created a list for abuse survivors about a month ago. For this very reason. I've been on my healing journey, in earnest for the past 12 y ars, before that I never knew that alot of the problems I was having were side effects of abuse. I suffered Post traumatic stress syndrome after my children were abused and had very bad experiences with BAD therapist so I did nothing for along time. Eve tually, i did get good therapy but in the mean time, I wish that I had had a list I could have talked to anonymously. I went back to college to become a therapist because I feel the best therapists are ones who can truly empathize. Thank you for this sou ding board.-- Katie -- Visit Me

I haven't posted in a while, but I had to write an english composition on a time when i felt afraid and alone, so I wrote it on my abuse as a child. Many people know about my abuse, and i am very open about it. So I thought I would type up my composition. It's going to be a long night. I can tell already. The nightmares are beggining. I haven't even fallen asleep yet, and my past is already haunting me. I hear the deafening words of how I'm unwanted and how I am such a pain. The words just keep echoing hrough my mind. I start to feel the warm tears rolling down my cheeks, and into the cracks of my mouth. The tears taste salty as I flash back to my childhood. It had been a long day at my fathers house. I had washed the cars, made him and his friend lunch, and served them drinks as need be. After I was done I would retreat to my room. I miss my mother, but she must not care because she's the one that sent m down here. Thats how I felt at the time. I don't find out until 10 years later that she did care, she just didn't know. My father and his friend enter my room, shaking me out of the thoughts of my mother. The abuse begins slowly, then goes full strength. I scream silent cries as the fists come down on my small, frail body. I cry invisible tears as they leave me beaten, bruised, and bleeding. I wonder if the angels in heaven could hear my silent cries? At this exact time is when I began to doubt that there was a God. If there was a God why did he let this happen to me? I always thought that I was to little and he just couldn't see me, but as I grew older, and it continued, that thought left my mind. hen I started to believe that maybe he looked away, maybe he couldn't bear his little pigtailed angel being beaten and molested, so he looked away. I forgave him for that. But I still wonder to this day, why me? I'm alone. They have left me all by myself in his house. Mommy always says that little children aren't allowed to be left alone in the house because something bad might happen, well I wish I could tell mommy that the bad things happen when they are hom . But of course I didn't. I was to afraid to say anything in fear that my father might come and kill mommy like he threatened to do if I ever told. I do not know what to do now htat I am alone. I'm scared that they will return, I don't want them to return, EVER! I just feel so lost and confused. I feel as though I'm the only one out there. (But when I grow older I realize htat I am not the only o e out there.) I take a bath and try to rid my body of what just happened. Now I am crying openly as I sit alone in the bathtub. The smell and the feeling doesn't seem to come off. I go to bed early in hopes that if I'm in bed that he wont hurt me. It worked good that night, but I was soon to find out that it wouldn't work every night. That first night was my first really bad nightmare. I was five! Now that I look back upon my past, I realize I should have told my mother as soon as it started. if I would have known that it would have continued for years maybe I would have told her, but at the time I didn't know the difference. I was scared to tell anyone. I felt as though what had happened was my fault, and still sometimes as a teenager I feel as though it was my fault. I didn't understand what they were doing, and with that thought I slipped into a restless sleep. I am going to read this out loud to the class tomorrow. Maybe then they will understand. People know alot about me, and know that I did have a bad past. I hope someone will write me back and tell me what they think. Angela

I accidentally came across this wall in my searching for info. I was trying to find out what my father has on his record and why he never spent any time in jail. I was molested sexually from the time I was 9 til 11, at which time I told my mother. She contacted the police and he was arrested and charged with incest, but he never spent any time in jail. I want to know what is on his record, or if he is listed as a child molester. I hope this may help someone, for years and years I wondered why......why did he do such horrible things to me. I even confronted him as an adult and got no answer..... Then someone said to me " What answer to that question would make what he did to you okay?" I then realized none. There is no reason that he could have given me that would make what he did to me okay. I will never understand how one human being can inflict so much pain on another and feel no guilt or remorse.-- Kathy

My dad molested me for 5 years age 9-14 and even after he stopped touching me he continued to verbally assault me. 2 years ago I confronted him and my mom she will not leave him and can not understand why we can not be a happy family after all they apologized am I crazy or what. I have recently returned to therapy hoping to continue my healing journey. Any input would be appreciated.-- Wendi

God where do I begin. It went on for over 10 years and now 25 years later it still controls my life. I have been told I need to confront it and quit pushing the memories back in my mind. I have tried that but it hurts so bad. It seems easier to just n t think about it and deal with dreams when they happen. Frances

When I was five years old I was sexually abused by an older neighbor girl. My eight year old sister was abused by the girl's twin sister. From the time I was seven til I was nine yrs old I was molested by an older male cousin. My mother and I would go over to his house so she could play cards with his mom. I had to go every time she wouldn't let me stay home. And every time she would tell me to go play with him in his room, no matter how much I begged and pleaded to stay and watch them or watch t.v. she always made me go to his room. I don't think I can ever forgive her for it. I would tell her and tell her that I didn't like him that he was mean and stuff like that but she would just say he is your cousin go play with him. I didn't like the way he played. It hurts just knowing that she never really payed attention to me, that she didn't notice that something was wrong. -- Email Me

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