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I would to say, everyday is a new sunrise, to be here to see it. I had to lost all and everything that was me to finaly realize I was not to blame and from this I came to know me. I was an shell with no pass and no future. Now I know a little of myself nd it is not all good but it is not all bad. I can see a light at the end of this darkness. For me it has take 3/4 of my life to tell. I am in treatment to fine what I will find, but it is a start. I can only say to heal we must take babysteps and like a aby we will fall. I would to say YOUR NOT ALONE! Someone will tell and someone will beleive!!! So please tell and tell loud so we will hear each other and maybe we can stop the PAIN!!! -- Shari

The first vivid memory I have is of him leaving my bed, telling me ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ I am still not sure if it actually ended that night or not. But I don’t think it did, completely. I think that it all started the night that he came home drunk and depressed and although I was only 8, I was the only one there to comfort him. I remember sleeping in my closet afraid that he would come in. I remember sleeping with my brothers so that he couldn’t get me. They were my saviors. When he would come n after he would leave I would go in their room, we would push their beds together and I would sleep in the middle. Once again they protected me. I believe that they knew something was going on and that it was wrong. But they were too young to understa d anything else. After I finally left his house, and we were all a few years older, they both told me that they always wanted to stop him, but that they were too small. I don’t think I would have survived any of this without them. He would come in my room and tell me he just wanted to lay down with me. It only took once for me not to believe that that was not what he wanted. I had constant and chronic yeast infections by the time I was nine. This caused my mother to take me to a gyn. He told her I wasn’t a virgin. I thought that I was finally saved. I remember standing between the two of them feeling so relieved. It was finally over. But nothing ever happened, except I learned what monistat was. Any decent doctor or mother w ld have done something then. A doctor would have reported this incident to the authorities, a normal mother would have removed their child from the situation without a second thought. But nothing changed. But the gyn was his friend and my mom was jus Pati, too self absorbed as usual. It would have only inconvenienced her life. She was too busy with her boyfriends and such. So now here I am 30 years and after training myself to bury this pain for 22 years, I now have to figure out how to exorcise it from myself, and I am not sure how to do this or if I even can. But I guess this is a start. -- Krista

Well, I know I have been abused, I think by my mom. I am 39 and think I started thinking about it 5 years ago. OF COURSE all along, I have known something was wrong! I have images but no face to say who for sure. I called a counseler once from a payphone a d actually said the words I THINK I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED! Do you know how hard that was? I was ready to die. It's like you want to know an answer and you don't all at once. I have been to rehab twice for drinking.....gee I couldn't seem to get up the nerve to say what it is I need to FORGET in my life. I know I need help, working on getting up the nerve, I don't really trust anyone like that. -- Trying to Heal

Hi. I am a 34 year old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I am just beginning to remember these awful acts committed by my step-father. My older sister was also abused and told my mother while we still lived at home. she was 17 at the time...and I was 15. My mother did not believe her...and she ended up with a her head busted open by my step-father for "making up such a story". I truly believe that I suppressed all of my memories because I was afraid that no one would believe me. My sister and I hav never spoke about it. She left home as soon as she turned 18...and I did the same. Unfortunetly, I left home for a man who would soon begin physically as well as sexually abusing me. He raped me twice during our relationship. I am not in therapy....th ugh I know I should be. I just don't feel like I can open up to a complete stranger. I am in a relationship now with a wonderful man...we have been together for 8 years. I have a very difficult time with sex...and it is taking its toll on our relations ip. I have no sex drive...and most of the time...i feel like sex is just "dirty". I would like to hear from anyone who may share the same view of sex...or is having similar problems. I am really afraid of my memories...and I'm not so sure that I want t remember anything more...though I have this deep feeling of dread...because deep down I know there is alot more that will eventually come to the surface. I have a daughter that is now a young teenager...and I believe she is the triggering mechanism for me. Please ...I really need some advice. I'm not sure I can handle this on my own. -- Sherry

I was abused by my father from the time I was around 3. He would start by just inserting his fingers, and eveb at that age I knew that it was wrong. The night of my seventh birthday was when he first raped me. He locked the door so I could not escape, and the rest of the family were all out. He made me touch him and then me. This was done on his stinking bed with a mirror in front of us. Of course at that age I was unable to fight him off. Then he savagely and painfully entered me. The pain is still in my ind and body as if it was yesterday. This kept on going until he left one week before I turned twelve. Then I thought that finally I was saved. the only problem was that my brother (4 years older than me) was still there. He raped me then, only once, but nough damage was done then to scar me further. I had tried to tell, one of my school teachers, and her reply is still strongly with me after 23 years: IT WAS YOUR FAULT. ANYTHING YOUR PARENTS DO TO YOU IS JUST WHAT YOU DESERVE. How much that hurt. I told y doctor about 5 years ago, but she did not seem to believe it. I went to a counsellor, but I felt that her teaching from the catholic church was more important to her than my problems. I am now in thereapy with a wonderful woman who is just like my ideal vision of a mother. I can cry with her, she will hold me if I ask her to, she is helping me sort everything through in my mind, and AI am finally starting to feel for the first time in my life that I am loved. I alsxo shared my story with one of my colleg lecturers. She is now like a sister to me. She knows exactly when I need to be listened to, supported, held or just spoken with. I wish all who have been abused could find someone as wonderful as these two are to me. I do not have an email address, but i anyone has any support to offer me they can send it to P.O. Box 537, Northam Western Australia 6401. Love, peace and many many strong hugs to all. -- Shirley

I was abused buy my gay mother, she was only violent. one night she beat me for 5 hours, so that i would know how to spell my name. Mad way to teach you kid. But that is only a little thing that happened. I saw my mother live her life as a man. which was quit hard to understand when i was older. Now i'm older i thought things would go away or change quicer that they are. -- Conrad

Warm greetings. First, I would like to offer two books I have found very helpful. They are: Child Sexual Abuse - Hope for Healing by Maxine Hancock and Karen Mains and Healing the Incest Wound by Christine Courtois. I was molested, beginning literally a few days after my birth (according to my sister) and until I was 10 years old, by my father. From the age of 12 to 15, I was molested by my older step-brother. I did not realize, as incredible as it may seem, I was olested until I was 17 years old and watching a talk show about child sexual abuse. Until that time I had thought everything I had experienced was normal; that is, every child had sex with their father or brother. My road to recovery started on that day 16 years ago.....a time when child sexual abuse was only beginning to cross the threshold of the media and academic thinking. During these 16 years I have learned a great deal about "surviving" the betrayal of a parent who was suppose to protect me. The most important learning experience for me has been this: I cannot change what happened to me. I am a different person becaus of my molestation and yet, I will never know what or who I may have been otherwise.... all I can know is who I am now. I have learned that what happened to me was wrong but that I am not "wrong". I have learned that my experiences were the result of si kness within a father and a step-father... not within me. I have learned to look not at my past as a handicap but as an avenue to strengthen all of my tomorrows. I have learned not to wish it hadn't happen to me because that will never change that it di happen. Recovery isn't easy but it is possible. Read everything that you can get your hands on about child sexual abuse and sexual predators. Find a support group in your local area. To help build self-esteem, discipline and a sense of safety, take a self-defen e course. Find a therapist who is known to be sensitive to child sexual abuse issues but most importantly one whom you feel comfortable talking with (please note: it make take interviewing several therapists before you find the right one for you --- ple se don't give up on the first one you come to). Look to Philosophy .... it won't answer your questions about child sexual abuse, but it will help you to find a frame of mind that allows you to look to all angles of life and humanity. Keep a daily journa of your feelings --- read back through it frequently and try to point out destructive or negative thoughts and then think about how you might change them to be something positive. Write letters to the one who abused you (it doesn't matter that you aren' going to send the letters -- but it will help you to look more clearly at your feelings) Take care. If any of you wish to write, I would love to hear from you. Kayas -- Passionsigh

I am so confused and so scared. I have a reoccuring memory, like a snap shot picture, of something that happen with my father. It's just one picture, but it fills me with fear, dread and nausea. When I think about him I get the heeby-g ebies and I begi to feel disgusted. I don't like him touching me or hugging me, but I let him because I'm not sure and I don't want to appear weird. A little part of me dies every time I let him. He seems to act very normal around me, like nothing happened, which make me think that I'm making it all up. I don't remember details, I don't remember when, I don't remember anything except that one picture that fills my mind. All of this, I believe, has help facilitate very self-destructive behavior -- drinking, drugs, suicidal thoughts. And surprise, I have a self-esteem problem. All of my relationships falter and I'm unable to give myself fully to my partner. Half of the elationship I've had were with abusive men -- men who weren't concerned about pleasing me (which I didn't mind since I am unable to be fully satisfied). I'm not ready to hear a response. I really just needed to say it out loud and make it real. Perhaps next time I'll give out my e-mail address and I'll be ready for a chat. -- Signed, Confused

Follow Your Heart.. --carol fraser

Hello all; My name is Sylvia. I was sexually abused by my father from ages 2 - 8. I also experienced alot of racism because we lived in an all white community ( except us of course!) during the early sixties when it was still o.k. to be a public racist. I am writing because I have been in recovery for many years and I am finally getting somewhere. It took years just to find all my parts inside. I used to be completely dead and silent. Now I have wants, needs, desires etc. But now I am faced with the survivor backlash. Every time I try to do something good and productive I get panic attacks. A cruel hoax if ever there was one. I got a job. I've been working as a secretary for 3 years now, but now the abuse that goes with being a peon is getting to m . I find it harmful and my little one inside won't let me go to work. So now I am at home on a two week medical leave to try and get my little one to calm down and stop trying to be in control of EVERYTHING. I am very frustrated and very sad. I want to live so badly. Why is it so hard? I don't want to go back on Welfare or try to get on disability because that's depressing. I want to work at home on my own projects. Please e-mail me if you know of any one who might be able to help me work from home at my own pace. This is a tough but critically important transition I am trying to make. I could use some help. Nice to meet you all. Sylvia

Hi all. I was molested when i was around 10 by my 15 year old brother. man the ages seem such a big gap to me now. They never fazed me much before. My brother was sneaky and conniving, and he was very good at plotting how to deceive and trap me so i w uldn't know what he was up to until it was too late for me to do anything about it. My step-mom got suspicious and knew that something was going on, but she still refuses to face the fact that he did that to me. She said she would have got 'both sides of the story', if she thought something was going on. I have started really going through a period of time in which i hate her. BC of her blatant ignoring of what he did, and refusal to face it. He is the only one out of the 4 of us who has been consisten ly able to keep a job and work and be successful, like they pushed us all to be. So of course, he is the one they are the most happy with. I don't know i guess it makes them look good or something. And it ticks me off. I guess she has decided that she isn't speaking to me anymore, bc i called her by her name to my dad, and not by 'mom', and i told him that she KNEW something was going on. Which he argued with. After saying that he didn't know anything about it. Yeah, well we all went to family couns ling once, and the guy asked ME what was going on. BC my aunt told them i told her that something was going on. So they knew something was going on. I remember the neighbor girl when i was about 5, she said that her dad had molested her. i remember my dad talking about it, and then they said later that she had lied about it. What kid would LIE about it? Some might well. But i don't think that's usually the case. I just remember hearing about it, and i knew what that meant, somehow. i think either y step-mom or my mother was around at that time. don't remember which. maybe the step-mom. I don't know. I have isolated a lot, since that happened to me, and not let anyone get close to me. And maintaining friendships is hard for me, bc i kind of get to a certain point, and i don't know what to say or do anymore. The flashbacks are awful when i have them, and telling people i am close to (whatever THAT is!!) is very difficult, to tell them exactly WHAT happened, bc i think they can see the pictures t at i can see in my own head, and that they'll see them the same way i do. not good. Anyway. that's all for now i think -- .Jo

Hello everyone. My name is Cristina. I have crossed traumatic times like emotional abuse and neglect. I still can't remember what happened me clearly and the process but i know when i get remember it i will be happier. Nights usually are hard for me, the darkness so deep in my eyes...I feel with out live in my veins. This disorder is a bad thing. I wanted to be friends with my same disorder for support us and tell us the things that happen us with this illness. Write me! Email Me -- Visit Me

tonight i had an episode. not like any other that i've ever had before. it was weird and i know i am still having it. it is like there is this person inside me and is really, really wanting to die. i know i don't want to die, but this thing inside me keep on thinking of ways to kill me. it is like i thought about taking my antibiotic, and i 'heard' it say, yeah, pills. and then i saw a vision of myself taking a lot of pills. and i sew, so when i was holding the scissors in my hands to cut the fabric, i could see a vision of my wrists slit. has anyone else had anything like this happen to them? please write to me, because i'm starting to wonder if i'm going crazy. -- Teresa

If there is anyone out there who was (or is) being abused by a coach (at school, or in a sport you compete in), please stop by our new website, Silent Edge. It is about s*xual abuse in all sports, but happens to focus on figure skating. Please let us know if you have any suggestions about how to make our site a better resource for survivors of abuse in sports. -Ellen -- Visit Me -- Email Me

I was sexually abused as a child and was then abused again (everything but sexual) in the church I was in and have now left. I am only just starting to heal and have just started counseling (3 - 4 months). Am going through a shock right now. Am 28. -- Nicky (nicola)

I am a 35 year old male who just came to the realization that I was sexually abused as a child. I always knew that something was different about me, my personality, my feelings towards others and my constant state of feeling alone. I have been in therapy for three months because of depression and the feeling of worthlessness. The other day, my therapist gave me a quiz of about 50 questions from a book, I don't recall the title, but as she read me the questions, it seemed as if the book was written about me. After she was finished, I told her what I thought of the questions and when she showed me the title, something about surviving child sexual abuse, I wanted to die. I often wondered what was wrong with me, but I never wanted to think that I was abuse as a child. Anyway, I don't know who the abuser was but I have a good idea. I am lucky to have a wonderful and caring spouse who has the strength to help me deal with my ever-changing emotions. I certainly hope that coping with this gets easier as time goes on. I have already denied what happened, I have also went through a self-destructive episode at work, and now I seem to be sinking even deeper into my depression. If anybody would like to write, please do so. Thanks -- russell

Hi everyone. I do not know where this is going. I have visited "The Wall" several times but have never left a comment. The thing that is good about this for me is I can see where I was at before I started on the road of recovery and I also read some comments that give me hope that I may get even better. I was sexually abused by my father, my therapist says raped, I can't seem to use that word comfortably at all. My mother abused me physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally. She caught my dad in my bed an did nothing. I have been in therapy since 1992. It has gotten better but I have a lot of garbage to work on. The main thing is borderline personality disorder. I would love to hear from others who would like to share their recovery. -- Kay

Jim, I'm glad you had the courage to speak up online about your experience. Too many times society tells us that as men we can never talk about being molested, or being a victim. But that only hurts us, not anyone else. Good luck to both you and your girl friend in dealing with this! Mike --Visit Me

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