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I am hoping someone can help us. My son was molested from birth till nearly four years of age by his Shiite Iranian biological father (my ex-husband). My ex-husband agreed to supervised visitation, I am sure, because of the expert-witnesses lined up to testify in the divorce/custody action. Since my oldest son has turned 13 years old, ex-husband now wants unsupervised visitation and weeks of overnights during summer vacation. He has only infrequently even asked to see my sons since we left 11 years ago. H s attorney is alleging "alienation syndrome." Help! -- Susanne

Wow this is really neat. I have just begun to use my computer and the internet. I actually was afraid to use this because I thought I failed at it. I was always told by my dad that I would not amount to anything and that I would failed at whatever I tried to accomplish in my life. I am a survivor of incest abuse. It started when I was four years old and until I was sixteen. It was ritual abuse along with prostitution. Because of this I developed many alters, 23 as of this date Feb.16,1998. I was first diagnosed with this in 1993. I was hospitalized at that time and spent two months in a mental hospital. I went to therapy for about six months and gave up. I did not want to hear or see anymore of what happened to me. I denied everything and tried to hide again from this. I did good until July 0f 97, and I started having flashbacks, dreams, nightmares and new alters emerged. I am now seeing a therapist who is fantastic. I have been seeing him since August of 97 except for a brief time when I was hospitalized again, actually twice. I was hospitalized the second time for drug addiction. The third time was for trying to kill myself. At the present time I am having a severe crisis. My Dad killed himself by taking a lot of pills and drank about five fifths of JD. the anniversary of his death is Feb. 19. I get really tensed up around this time. I also have been diagnosed with atrial fibrillation which is a fast heart rate, without medication my heart rate goes over 300 and the normal beat is 60 to 80 beats per minute. My cardiologist states that this problem could be an effect of what was done to me all those years. I have also had numerous surgeries due this and as of this date I have ruptured another disk in my back and will have to have surgery. I had back surgery before in 1995. I also have developed a very high blood pressure and now have to take medication for that too. I am struggling very hard to keep it together now. My other family members do not understand what is wrong with me. They say I am a very unstable, but they did not endure what I had to. -- Chilli Pepper

I'm only 15, but already I have suffered sexual abuse. I trusted him, I just don't understand why? Every time he raped me I thought it was my fault. Now I don't trust any guy, who knows what they want? I have never told anyone, I'm too embaressed and shamed. Can anyone out there tell me how to get over this, it's ruining me. -- Katie

I was adopted at age 16 months by a minister and his wife, I had 2 brothers, one older and one younger. When I was 6 years old my parents decided that it was ok to use me for sexual acts, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, while my older brother was forced to watch and participate. Because my dad was a member of the clergy, I have kept this a secret. The abuse continued until I was 18 and left home. Then I married a man going into the ministry, and he also abused me. He didn't show these tendencies until after the wedding. We ha 2 children, and we were married about 10 years. After leaving the marriage, I had blocked into my mind all the abuse from both my childhood and my marriage, and until recently, I was able to keep it hidden. Now portions of the abuse are coming out in the form of Multiple Personality Disorder and DID. It has been very difficult to deal with this, because I cannot afford therapy due to not having any insurance. The state of TN has health care for people that cannot afford it, but I do not meet their criteria. I am very worried, because I have tried to commit suicide 4 times. I would like to get treatment, and I would ask for suggestions on how to get treatment without insurance. You may email me at -- Trying Not To Sink Thanks!

I come from a family with 2 sisters. One is older, one is younger. All 3 of us were sexually molested by people we trusted. Many men have entered our lives and for us 2 older ones, almost everyone we trusted abused us in some way. Our family life..... you could say was bad. We were abused both physically and mentally by our step father. I have never sought treatment, although my other sisters have both been down that road. I don't feel as if it has helped either one. The older one suffers from depression, drug abuse, and she is mentally abusive to her 3 children. The younger one is only in high school. She is depressed, suicidal, and very angry at everyone in her life. Both have been in treatment centers and it doesn't seem to have helped. I don' think I was any less effected by this abuse, but I am a good parent, successful in my career, and have a wonderful husband. I have never sought treatment and feel I have adjusted well. I accept what has happened to me. We grew up in a very small town, where everyone trusts everyone, we did not lock our doors and everyone knew everyone else. My parents knew my little sister was molested and did not seek treatment for her for 5 years. By that time she was hanging with the wrong crowd and was attempting suicide regularly. When they sought treatment she was in a hospital for a week and when the doctors said she was OK they just accepted it. When she tried suicide again, they WONDERED WHY? What is wrong with people? How can they think she would be okay with this?????????? My step-father said to us "I didn't think it affected her that much" Tell me is that the most fucking idiotic think someone could say? HOW COULD IT NOT, SHE WAS 9 YEARS OLD, AND WHAT'S WORSE, IT WAS MY OLDER SISTERS BOYFRIEND OF 5 YEARS!!!!!!!!!! My parents only found out about the abuse of us older ones, last year. "Why didn't you tell us they asked. Our response, " You never asked, when these people told us to keep it a secret, we did." Anyways, the reason I am posting my story is for advice. I can't understand why my older sister has ruined her life and my younger sister is well on her way, and it did not affect me. Am I coldhearted? Do I just not care? I don't think so, I am a loving mother somewhat obsessed with it never happening to my kids. I will not let my kids spend the night at friends or even play at their houses. Will my kids resent this? Am I keeping back childhood memories? I never want my kids to go through the thing we did. My kids are still very young, but they know exactly what child molesting is. They know it can be anyone and it can happen anywhere. We also have a rule, NO SECRETS FROM MOM!!!! It does not matter what it is, if someone tells them it's a secret, they tell me. If this ever happens to my kids, I would die!!!!!!!!!! I don't understand my sisters problems. And they don't seem to understand sex, drugs, further abuse, and alcohol won't fix these problems. I am not convinced my little sister will make it to adulthood. She is so angry at everyone. I don't know how to help her. If all of the hospitals and therapists can't help, how can I begin to? The man who abused her walked away from it. 5 years later he was charged with abusing 6 kids in the military and thank GOD he was sentenced to Levenworth for I believe 18 years. Part of his plea was he had to sign a written confession to abusing my sister and has to face charges on that as well. When he signed he had the balls to say " Sure I'll sign this, it's not even half of it." This man GOD forgive me, needs to be killed. When him and my sister were living together all of the neighborhood kids were always over and they had slumber parties all the time. Those poor parents may be unaware of what has happened to their children. It is time for all of us survivors to pull together and say "THAT IS ENOUGH!" Our children need to know these people. Whether it is mom, dad, cousin, uncle, or whomever. We need to protect our kids from these people. When you read a news story about someone who was sentenced to 5 years, write your congressman, mayor, president. Let them know the public will not stand for these people to live in our society. I firmly believe these people can not be reformed. Why should we give them a chance when they ruined so many lives????????? I would like to tell all of the victims out there, GOD Bless you all, you are good people, and you will have an extra blessing in the end. -- Denise

Life is going up from here. That's what I want to believe. I'm 26. I was raped by 3 guys when I was 13 - 1/2 my life ago. I went to a party in a rival school district with 2 girlfriends. I was surprised to find there were almost no other girls there nd everyone was smoking pot and getting very drunk - not my bag then. I felt like I didn't want to be there and I think it showed. But I drank a few beers, sat around and watched MTV. I was ready to go home and stopped drinking. My one friend was off n a room with her boyfriend and another girl who came with us was still out in the living room with me. She was pretty drunk and very flirtatious. She was offered some pot. I knew she didn't smoke and tried to talk her out of it and also reminded her w needed to get home and to please keep her cloths on - she was starting to strip. She listened to me for some reason. But this upset the guys who she was flirting with who thought they had a sure thing. No one would take us home. I was too naive to be scared. So a little irrated, a little drunk, and tired but feeling safe I decided not to call a cab (I didn't have $$ with me either). The guy who owned the house said I could sleep in this one bedroom and showed me where it was. I laid down on top of the covers with my cloths on and tried to fall asleep. Then someone else came in and insisted he was just going to sleep on the floor - e was tired. Soon I woke up to him on top of me pulling my jeans off and kissing me. I was frozen. Then I tried to push him away. He started raping me. I cried and begged him to stop. I told him he was hurting me. Then the door open and people were watching. Then 2 more guys did the same but I didn't really fight. After that I found my cloths. The guy whose house it was brought me a wash cloth and helped clean me up. I could here people laughing in the next room. He said "its OK, come here, lie down, you'll be OK". He yanked me by my hair and made me suck his cock. I kept it a secret. 6 months later I was in the hospital with anorexia. I lost most of my friends. I was miserable and didn't trust anyone. Lots of years, lots of stories, and and some therapy later here I am realizing that every man I am attracted to s abusive. I am not at all attracted to men who treat me nice. My most recent ex was violent during sex and very verbally abusive. And I love him! But now I am committed to healing from all this. So if you can relate please e-mail me so we can chat. No one I know can really understand - or wants to hear this stuff!-- Free2bme

I'm a victim of 4 years of molestation and rape the reason I say victim is because I can't seem to heal from it. I have been in treatment centers and am still in therapy and have been for a year and it still haunts me every day of my life. It has ruined my life to I'm a drug abuser I'm a recovering bulemic and many more things anyone please email me I really need some help getting over this tragic thing. Anybody out there who is still a victim I beg you to please get help I am living proof that it can ruin your whole life oh how I wish I would have gotten help sooner I really do My whole life has been a living hell. Someone please offer me support I really need it. -- Jessica

A little over four years ago my best friend was murdered by her alcoholic husband. Having been in an abusive, alcoholic relationship for over 25 years, I wasn't able to cope with the tragedy until I got help. Therapy and the incredible support of a 12-Step program have given me the new start I now know I deserve. To anyone out there who is still suffering: There is another way out! You don't have to die and you don't have to accept abuses and you don't have to do this alone. It takes courage and a special determination to take a good look at yourself and admit that you must make changes in yourself because you certainly can't change other people. My four year journey has not been without pain, but it has been, for the most part, a blessing. I am the same person in some ways that I've always been and in others; I am an entirely new me. I can look at myself in the mirror again and I feel good about who I am for the first time in 44 years. That is progress, not perfection. It didn't come without hard work, but then IT HAS BEEN WORTH IT!!! Please take what I say to heart and talk to someone else. Keeping secrets only helps the abuser and prevents you from being anything other than a victim. There is more to life than just survival - it is called living life! -- Cheryl

This is for Still Hiding. I know it is hard. I know there are times when you wonder if it will ever end or if it will ever get better. for the longest time i was broken. i was like you. not to say that i'm not broken now, because i am not whole. but just because i am not whole doesn't mean that i'm less of a person. There was a time when i believed that just because i was abused as a child, i was less of a person. there is a saying that goes something like this: "The more you believe in yourself, the more people will believe in you. The more people believe in you, the more you will believe in yourself." And for the longest time i didn't know what the person meant. i mean, come on! but it is true. i let the self-hatred take over, but it wasn't the right way o deal with the anger. i hated myself instead of feeling anger at my older half-brother. i tried to be miss perfect, figuring that if i behaved, and acted perfect enough, i would have a perfect life. but that doesn't come until you believe in yourself. even then you aren't perfect, because if you were, you wouldn't be human. you alone can make a difference. change isn't going to happen until you want it to, and until you give yourself the freedom to do so. for me, i was constantly telling myself that i was worthless, that i was ugly, and that no one liked me...but what that did was just to work against my goal of being perfect. instead of feeding the hatred, i should have been focusing on other things. little things, but very important things. things like w king up every day. like giving the people you love hugs, or just telling them that you love them very much. things like passing that one person on your way to class/work and smiling at them and seeing them smile at you. things like seeing the sun rise and set. seeing all the important things in life that make it wonderful and that we take for granted. yes, we as survivors will never be restored to the perfect condition in which we arrived in the world. that much is true. but what results is a more wonderful being because you can see what is all the more wonderful about life because you have been to the pit of hell and then back again. That which doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I think that my being a survivor has made me a stronger person. yes, my older half-brother sexually abused me. yes, when i was twelve i literally ran after him to 'do it'. yes, those are the facts. but they are only facts. they are a part of me, but if i let them haunt me, then they will always be there haunting me, they will always make me scared to want to do anything. and no, i am scared. i am so scared, but the only thing that makes the fear seem less is just telling myself that i am a capable person, and i can do whatever the hell i want to. i am no longer caged, i am no longer afraid (at least totally) of the world. i am me, and no knowledge is more wonderful than knowing you as a person are wonderful. in order to heal, you have to let go. you have to acknowledge it, not only in your mind, but in your heart and soul as well. i acknowledged the facts of my abuse, but not with my heart and soul. that is what i have learned in my 19 years of living. but i will still keep on learning, because if i didn't learn, then there would be no reason to live. there are so many things out there for everyone to do and enjoy, why spend the time mourning for what was lost when you can enjoy learning about life? -- Teresa

My name is Ken, I am a survivor of childhood emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual abuse. My mother was the most violent one in our family, and because she had issues with her brother that she had never resolved, I became the family scapegoat. Because she felt inadequate and defective, she took every opportunity to make me feel that way, so that she could feel powerful and righteous. She was a rage-alcoholic, so the violence and extreme shaming were an everyday occurrence. I ended up feeling weak, wrong, terrified, ashamed, self conscious, hyper vigilant, disgusting, empty, hopeless. I was allowed no boundaries. I had no sense of the space my body occupied. I felt awkward, as if I had no control of my body. I became numb. I believed I was unloving, and unlovable. My father either stayed distant (most of the time) or explosive (I never knew when it was comin'). He modeled being self conscious, socially inept, alcoholic violent/withdrawn. When I was 14, I was molested by a pedophile, who spent nearly 2 years setting it up so that my parents trusted him enough to take a bunch of us to the 1964 New York World's Fair. While we were there, he tried to drug us, (but I didn't take the pill). I grew up in the country, in Pennsylvania, and that helped me survive. I live almost in the wilderness now; that feeds me, and inspires me now. I had a grandfather who gave me paperback books when he came to visit, and that helped me survive. Now I love to read, and learn, and both are important to me . I had an aunt and an uncle who told me I was special, and had a gallon of clams in their refrig, especially for me each time we came to visit. Up here in Maine, I dug clams for a living for over 10 years, and I eat them whenever I want. As an adult, I became alcoholic and drug addicted. I have been clean and sober for over 11 years. Quit cigarettes 6 years ago. Had my first child abuse flashback 2 weeks after I stopped drinking and drugging. I have 2 sons, 18 and 14..Shawn and Francis respectively. And I am a good father, (I have raised them on my own). I would be glad, and honored, to correspond with fellow survivors during their recovery journey!-- Ken Scully -- Visit Me

The thing I think about myself more then any one other thing is that I am broken. I was broken when I was just a little tiny girl, and for most of my life I pretended I wasn't broken, but I was. It showed through in many ways but I didn't see it. N o one n my life noticed I was broken, they didn't notice anything about me except the surface. I kept the surface nice and shiny so when people looked at me they saw their own reflections and were happy. But underneath the shiny surface I was broken. My soul was dust, and my spirit was wind. The ones who were trusted to nurture my spirit and protect my soul kept damaging them instead. People tell me I am strong because I survived. It is true that I survived. I am alive today, I continue to try to heal. I will keep on going. But I did not survive in one piece, and I will never be whole. No matter how much I heal, I will still be broken. Like a porcelain figurine, once shattered and then glued together, even the finest restoration work can never return it back to its original condition. It will always show the results of the many falls to the hard floor. It will always have little cracks here the forever missing bits should be. The bits that were too small to save, the bits that were crushed to powder. This is the legacy of being abused as a child. I can and will "heal", but I will never be whole. What was done, can't ever be undone. I can't put it behind me -- it is me. -- Still Hiding

TJV, It was not your fault! In Good Will Hunting, the psychologist played by a comedic actor who's name escapes me right now, tells the character Will Hunting that it's not his fault. He must repeat it to Will over and over again until Will hears it and inter alizes it. It is not your fault TJV. You were raped more than once. You must understand why some states have statutory rape laws, it's because as a 12 year old you did not allow it, it was done to you. You did not have the emotional and psychological ab lity to make a consensual choice. You were in the clutches of someone who held a position of authority, every time it is someone who has authority, whether it's a parent, employer, teacher, pastor, coach, therapist, physcian, anyone else who holds that t tle of authority whether by age or position, you have been victimized. And, especially a child! This rape by your babysitting employer is not your fault, you are most likely not his only victim as his wife and child are too and anyone else he has done t is too. Believe me you are not the only one and it wasn't your fault. This then sets you up for further victimization. Your emotional growth was stunted because of this. You don't know how to say no and it's not your fault! You didn't have a choice, yo didn't have the maturity. It's not your fault. We don't have the choice. We are children whether we are in the child suit or the man/woman suit we grow into. We are still a child. And you were severely wounded at an early age by someone you admired a d respected. He didn't deserve your respect, but you didn't know that. You were and are the injured party. Not, him and his wife responded in a ridiculous and misunderstood position. She has no idea what she did to you and what she has now done to herself nd her child/children. He is a child abuser, a molester, a rapist and pedophile. Michael Kennedy was too no matter what Kathy Lee says. She's an idiot and has done more with her stupid support of the late Mr. Kennedy to harm girls who have been victimize than Mr. Kennedy. Of course the girl's family screwed her royally too by not taking legal action. They were bought off at her expense. It was not your fault! He is the monster who now has taken a precious young girl and set her up for a life of pain. P ease, be certain you have good counsel and take care of yourself. You deserve better care. You are precious and valuable. You are not at fault. God Be With You, as He always is. He too weeps with us, it was not His plan, it is the free will of others. It was not your fault at any time. You can't make choices when they have been taken away and viciously altered. Yours have been taken and altered so that you cannot really have made any choices. You can now. Take care of that little girl who was fooled a d wounded and raped. That little girl needs to feel validated, cared for and precious. You are she and you are precious! -- Montgomery's Fool

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