20

Hello, I am a teen and I was molested when I was around 6 years old. I don't know the name of the person. He was a middle aged Mexican yard worker. It only happened once but it haunts me every day... anyone with similar experiences please Email Me.

for many years i have lived with abuse behavior from others who say they care. A few people have tried to help me, but I myself was very confused as to why? Why do people hate me so? What can I do to change? Who I am so that they can appreciate me. The only thing for me to do run, run, run yet I sit here allowing them to continue to cause me grieve. The other part of me feels that they are trying to help me. I just cannot accept it because I can only think one way. Most of my life I depended on me to help fight my battle. Someone is helping me and I want to say Thank you. It hurts but it is helping If you feel lost, hurt and confused, Remember that YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS. Change the feeling by walking, taking a good hot bath, doing something for others, drink something warm. This will help you take your mind off your problems. Write d wn your feelings. Remember you are not alone. There are millions of peoples with the same feels. It could be someone sitting next to you, a teacher, doctors, preacher, police officer the list goes on. You are not alone. You must release the pain and move on. Help yourself because you is all you have. You deserve the right to live and be free of pain. If someone hurt you in the past, you are continuing the hurt by not letting it go. Free your mind. Open your mind. Think of the things that makes you happy. Don't tell the story to many times, looking for a should to cry on. Look at yourself! Look at yourself! you are unique. This is your life. Do what will bring out your best attributes. Do be a shame. You are not responsible for other action. Just your own. To seek friends, just smile, and people will smile back. Frown and they will turn the other way. Not that they don't care but because, they don't know you to help you. Have you ever watch someone cry? Do you feel their pain? No you don't. Well that is why only you can heal your pain. Keep search for thing that make you happy. Trust me you will love you so much people will look at you with a smile and say Wow! He/She is surely happy! Did he win the lottery.

HI IM 24 , AND I'VE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSE WHEN I WAS ABOUT 10 I CANT EVEN REMEMBER EXACTLY , BUT IT WAS TWICE , BY MY STEP FATHER AND I HAD TO LIVE WITH HIM FOR ABOUT 8 MORE YEARS AFTER THAT , HATING HIM , SOMETIMES LOVING HIM I GUESS , I THINK I JUST BLOCK IT AWAY , I JUST SAID IT 8 MONTHS AGO TO A FRIEND , AFTER THAT TO MY AUNT , AND THEN TO MY MOM , IM STILL CONFUSE NO ONE LET ME REALLY TALK ABOUT IT , AND I THINK ITS A BIG INFLUENCE IN ALL MY LIFE NOW , IM GETTING KIND OF CRAZY NOT UNDERSTANDING MY SELF IM A MALE , AND I EXPERIENCE MY SELF HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR ALONE SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A GIRL AND I HATE IT (NO OFFENCE , IM SORRY IF i offend anybody) AND I WANT TO BE A MAN ALWAYS , BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE , I ACT OR TO TOUGH OR TO DELICATE , AND ALWAYS ACTING I GUESS , AT THIS POINT OF MY LIFE IM SO CONFUSE , EVERY DAY I JUST SAY HANG IN THERE , I BELIEVE IN GOD AND HE SAYS TO FORGIVE , AND I TRY BUT NOW I JUST WANNA KICK HIS ASS SO BAD , I WISH ILL SEE HIM , THANKS FOR LISTENING WHO EVER IS THERE . -- Jim

hello. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is into that porn thing. I know most males are. But here's the deal....it really hurts me so bad. My rape anniversary's coming up and everything is much more difficult to handle. But he looks up that teen porn. There are so many issues i have about that. First off i was just a teen when my father raped me. And i think most females would agree that they feel less attractive. Like your not good enough so they need to look at a bunch of other little girls pussys. I want to not have sex with him but i'm too scared not to. I feel like shit. I lay there and go through the motions just so he want leave me. I'm his real pussy when the pic's aren't enough. If i just stopped sleeping with him them i think our relationship would crumble. Even if its only 2 x's a mount if that. I don't think it could survive with out it. That can be partly from my past as well. My father and my relationship stopped when i testified and put him into jail. ... I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. You know he would be so mad if i did shit like that. So why is it something i should just accept? Sorry if i offended anyone out there. I just feel so hurt. If what happened with my father wasn't enough ..I feel like its happening all over again. Thanks for your time. If there is any one out there that has similar feelings then please do. Email Me.

Hi, my name is Rosie and i am survivor of child sexual abuse. I was abused by my step-father for about 13 years. i believe it began around the age of 5 and continued until about the age of 18 when i left for college. two years ago, around this time of the year, i was at an aunt's house ..the phone rang and i answered. It was a lady from child protective services wanting to speak with may aunt about my younger cousin. Right away I knew what it was about and i felt my heart race. i looked at my cousin and aw my own sadness reflected in her face and i wondered how did i not ever notice. foolishly enough, all this time i believed i was the only one he was doing this to. The lady on the phone asked to speak with my aunt, i told her that she would have to speak with me, since my aunt's english wasn't very good, and that i would relay the message. The lady said that my cousin had confessed to being sexually molested by her uncle, my step-dad. I relayed the message and at the same time added my own story. U until then, i had only been thinking of when would be the best time to break down the news to my mother, but had never really found the guts to do it. That is, until my 13 year-old cousin opened the door and with guts or no guts i just could not hold it n anymore. After being up all night crying and screaming and painfully telling and re-telling my story to different police officers who dragged me along the impossible journey of recalling exact times and dates and details, i drove 6 hours to finally break it down to my mother. The only thing worth recalling from that night was that just as always, and maintaining our life-long mother-daughter tradition, as far as she could go in consoling me was to just barely stroke my hand, look me in the eye and say please tell me it's not true". That night, she slept in her room and i slept in mine, alone and scared. With my step-father out of the picture i thought that those feelings would go away, and that i would get from my mom the love and attention i so desperately needed. but i'm still scared and still alone. And now i have this new found anger towards my mother because she still chooses to pretend the abuse didn't happen and because she pretended she didn't know when it was happening. Right now i am at a overwhelming struggle between doing what is "right" and look after my mother, or completely turn my back against her and ignore her and pretend nothing is happening to her just like she did with me for so many years. i know these are two extremes, and therefore not either are a viable solution, but how do i go about finding a middle ground? If anybody read ALL of this, thank you for taking the time.-- Rosie

Hear, hear! Where is there any help at all for the offenders? I am so sick, sick, sick of the vengeful, hateful, malicious approach to dealing with the offenders! These men are often our fathers or brothers or uncles or even our own sons! What are we supposed to do? Forsake them? Forget them? What if you were a girl raised by her father and when you were 14 he took inappropriate liberties? Well, sure, lock him up. But then what? That girl was raised -- lovingly, carefully, caringly - by that man, and now he's got no one, just a family of indignant biddies who were never around when she needed them her entire life. But boy, they sure are ready to see him locked up forever! What if your brother assaulted your sister? Are you supposed to take sides? Okay, he does time, but when he's ready to get out, then what does the family do? What if you were the VICTIM, but the offender was no one-dimensional monster to you? There was more to your life with him than abuse. And you want to repair and renew your relationship with a man who was a great and important part of your life??? No way! Everyone treats you like YOU are a pervert for even missing him! Who takes care of the offenders and their families? Who takes care of the secondary victims who want to help both offender and primary victim. It's such a desert of information. Can't anyone offer any hope???

HELP! Where is the help for the abuser? Getting away from the abuser is good, but what happens to him (me) then. If the abuser isn't dealt with in a compassionate, caring way, he will do it again (somewhere else). I want to change, but how? I have 6 years clean and i became complacent. how do i change my controlling ways? how do i get my family back? I love my wife and kids. and i abused them. they left. i want them back, but how can i make myself safe for them? then, how can i prove to them and me that i am safe for them? Sal

Cory, I know there are mean people out there - but, there are also some great ones too. You'll see. Please keep writing and let us know how you are! - Car

HI Cory Jones, please hang in there. Your not alone. Email Me

I know this sounds kind of weird coming from me but by the time i get to the age of 18 or 20 i will have probably committed suicide. Life is pointless and are the people in it whom make fun of you cause you wear glasses or your not good enough for sports or all you do is play games and don't socialize enough. My entire life is based on boredom and sadness. When i moved to Illinois i thought i could live happy and make fiends, but i guess i was wrong. Now every day when i get home from school all i do is p ay games. I keep telling myself that i would love to design games and move to Japan to work for Nintendo or maybe Microsoft. As far as everyone else is concerned i can just die or rot to death in my home where i spend most of my time. For now i guess i will just stick with games but its very sad to know that i will die at the age of 18 or 20. Some of you might be thinking that why cant this kid go out and make friends. If only you knew how hard it is to just step out of my house you would think twice. So i guess i'll go play my N64 or play my comp. If you respond to this it will really make my day. For you will be my only friends. Well thanx for your time i know you have it, as for me i'm just a waste -- Cory Jones

Will the last time i wrote i said that i had finally meet mr. Wonderful....Wrong. people have said that after being abused the victim tends to look for relationships with similar qualities. I thought that my b/f was a really nice guy. He was a RN and in the beginning showed he loved me. But i recently discovered that he is addicted to drugs and porn. i think he might even be stealing from the local hospital where he works. And for the past 6 months he has been getting very verbally and mental abusive to me. what really sucks is that i love this guy and i'm scared to be with out him. for some reason when he's around i'm not so scared that my dad will come back and hurt me again. but i have 2 kids one of them is my 6 month old daughter. what is most important is that they are safe. And not only are the drugs bad but he looks at teen porn all the time. i know its a guy thing but he is abused with it. I was just a teen when my father raped me. I don't know if i can trust him. i love him even tho things are bad. i'm holding on to a thin shred of hope that he can get better. He finally agreed to go to couples councling.i cry myself to sleep every night praying that thing will get better and we will be the family i hope for. please keep me in your prays if you can. thank you for listening. Kate

well first off i'm a survivor of 7 years of abuse and i can honestly say that as of today i feel pretty good about myself even though in the past year i've gone through quite a few difficult situations. i quess i'll start with the fist version of those 7 ears of excuse me hell. i met my abuser, boyfriend, lover, father of my 2 sons in aug92 and 4 months later i got punched for the first time ever and i was naive and believed i'll never do it again, from then on the abuse happened frequently more emotional and verbal than physical until after the birth of my first son then it was a 24-7 kind of type thing and i was degraded had no self-confidence respect for myself always felt like why was i chosen to go through this. the one thing that i didn't do was keep it hidden, or let him get away with it, since 92 up until the present, i have put him in jail/prison 5 times with the last time being for 5 years, and i did the taking him back thing but when he had my kids taken from me because he was going back for 2 years, and i entered a recovery home for my drug addiction that's when i finally realized that i don't deserve to be treated like a ragdoll. i have and still am dealing with the emotional scars but the hardest scars are the ones that will never go away, the ones on my back from where he bit me and threw scissors at me as i was trying to leave, the burn scars from the iron, my constant reminders of his love. i have gone on and try not to look back at those days because i have forgiven him because if i don't i' the one miserable with all that hate and anger, and he isn't worth holding on to it. it has been hard to do it alone, single-parent, trying to support and raise my two sons, but i wouldn't trade my being alone and single for 7 more years of hell. so ever time i think back to when he'd say i wasn't worth going to jail/prison, i have to admit a smile comes across my face. so as of now and in the future i'll be forever struggling to raise my sons with the morals of respect and never hit a woman no matter what she does. well actually i feel alot better to have shared some of story, because there are not to many i can talk to without them saying well at least your alot smarter now. thank you for letting me share. April

I stumbled on to this website, sort of by accident. Well - I guess this wasn't really an accident. It's been a long time since I have talked about my healing journey and where it has taken me, and I guess that I am looking for a p ace to write down some of my thoughts. I was abused by my step-father from the time I was about 8 until I was about 14. It was a terrifying, confusing, soul shattering time in my life. I look back on that wounded little girl and I wonder how I got to where I am today. My story came to light when my step-father died, and my two older sisters accused him of sexually abusing them. I remember just wanting it all to go away. It didn't, and I guess I am glad of that. I have been on this journey now for about 8 years. My goodness I feel old. I started with an individual counselor. I was lucky to find someone I clicked with right away. And - he was a man. I think for me that was a good thing too. It made me realize that not all men were like my step-father. After I finished with my counsel or I started doing some volunteer work at a local agency for survivors. I eventually became a group facilitator and then a speaker for the agency. I spoke to organizations across the region I was from. There were nights I would come home and just wee from the sheer enormity of the things I had shared. There was a time in my life that I thought I would only ever be a "survivor." I spent so much of my time completely bogged down in all of it, trying to find a way to live with what had happened to me. Gradually, and with a lot of hard work and support f om some truly amazing people, it got better. Eight years later, I am living and working in a city I love, doing a job I love, and living with a man I love and respect. There are literally weeks that go by where I don't think about it. Then there are times when I am almost knocked over by the power of the memory. I have come to accept that I will always be a survivor. A survivor that is doing so much more than just surviving. It is possible to get through this. Even when it is so dark and overwhelming you can't imagine being a place in your life where it isn't he only thing you think about. It can get better and we all deserve to feel the sun on our faces and the serenity of our souls finally at peace.-- Stephanie

I am a survivor. I am 15 and was raped since I was 9. 2 months ago I finally told. It was right after it happened for the last time. They took DNA from my rapist (my 20 year old cousin) and I. But it has been at least one and a half months since it happen and the results still aren't back. I am scared and confused but i just hope my family will still love me no matter what happens. I just want every survivor to known that it is hard but life gets better. Since I told I have a closer relationship to God and my mom, dad, and brother. If you every want to email me at anytime I would like to talk to other survivors.-- Carly

why does it take so long to heal?? one tiny bit of pain, betrayal, and hurt and it lasts for ever. i am having trouble dealing with the fact that it will never go away. it will always be there. how do you deal with it? i don't know hat to do. i am so tired, so very very tired of living with it constantly. i am constantly fighting a battle with very few tools that are useful. why did it happen to me?> why does it happen to anyone at all??? i think no matter what, i will always feel this way. no matter how much 'professional' counseling i do, it will never stop. it will always be there in the back of my mind taunting me. i hate him, i hate what happened to my body, what happened to my spirit. all because he wanted to have a good time. thanks a lot. - Teresa

When I was 17 I met who I thought was Mr. wonderful. He was my first boyfriend and the guy that i gave my virginity to. Mr. Wonderful only lasted for the first couple of weeks. Then he started using drugs. First came the isolation from my friends and family, then came the verbal abuse and finally the physical abuse. I thought if I loved him hard enough he would change...WRONG! I was all alone with no one to turn to. I stayed with him for almost a year. At one point things got so bad his mother, his brother and his brothers girlfriend confronted him about how he hit me. They told him that I was so little and that whether he knew it or not he was hurting me. That should have been my warning sign to run, but I stood up for him and stayed. I guess that is why I still feel the guilt and shame because I tell myself that I should have ran, I should have known that things could only get worse....but sometimes running is the hardest thing to do, especially when you have no one to run to. The night before h left me, we went to the movies...I was planning on leaving (finally getting out even though I had no idea how) him because the bruises on my legs made me realize I had to get out. Afterwards we went to his home...before i had a chance to talk I was date raped. I remember shaking my head and repeating the words no over and over. There was nothing I could do. I laid there helplessly and for an instant I felt as if I left my body and was watching this horrid event from across the room. Afterwards he rolled off of me and told me to go to the bathroom and clean up. When I came out he gave me a hug and told me that i knew that he would never hurt me. Like those words where suppose to make it all better. I was in shock...again i should have ran, but instead we went to Dennys and shared an ice cream sundae. Who does this? The next day he would have nothing to do with me. I was totally alone but this time I had the guilt and the shame that went along with the rape. It has been five years and the pain is still there....is there any hope that it will ever end? -- Kristen

Hi, I am a senior and was molested when I was a freshman. I really liked my boyfriend that did this to me and thought that what he did was "one of the many things that girlfriends and boyfriends do together" so even though I didn't like it I let him do whatever. I broke up with him, but felt all alone so came back and was messed with again. I'm telling this story because I know that for a long time I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I mean I wasn't raped so there couldn't be d mage right? Wrong...Since then I have had only one boyfriend and the others that I dated along the way-well I every single one of them had their hearts broken by me. I dated some of the best guys around, but because of being molested, any time a guy would get serious with me an get anywhere near something physical-I ran. I dumped them without remorse and without an explanation. They didn't deserve it and I still care for the most recent guy. The problem is that I can't get any where near a relationship because all relationships at least want to hold hands and kiss...I can't even kiss a guy because of the damage done inside. I'm terrified to let anyone in and I fear that I'll never get over this. If you have gone through something that you felt wasn't right, or you didn't like it put an end to it. Take care of yourself because no one else will. If you have been hurt-get help. Don't keep it inside. Look what it did to me...and many people have it worse. If you want to talk or have advice email me. I'm praying for you all. -- Adriana

I just started therapy last month. Yesterday, a new, old memory cam rearing its head up - I covered my eyes tight as if I could blind my minds eye. I don't know why God allows such things to happen to anyone. I want to be healed I don't want to alienate my husband with this ordeal, I am tired already, and realize that I retreat into the world of book reading as a solace from the Truth. Perhaps I can start a survivor group in my church. - New Lens

When I was 13 I was in a new school, had a hard time making friends, and was befriended by my language arts teacher. He was very attentive, always telling me how much he cared. My parents were indifferent, absorbed in their own lies, I was mostly an inconvenience for them. This teacher took me to his home, made me feel like part of his family, but not really. He was efficiently isolating me from everyone, repeatedly telling me that my parents did care, but he did. When I was 14 he raped me, all the t me telling me how much he loved me and how much I liked it. His abuse continued for over a year, until my parents found out about our "relationship". Their reaction was to blame me, to assume that I was adult enough to have made a conscious choice to be his sexual partner. Not once did they ever ask if I'd said, "no". I did, many times. I have been in therapy for many years, off and on, to deal with the after-effects of a sexually abusive older brother, neglectful parents, and the trauma of my favorite teacher's rape. I'm fortunate, I have a wonderful husband, and a fantastic counselor o help me through this process. But what I'm searching for is the knowledge that I'm not alone. I need to know that others out there were once abused by their teacher. It has taken me over two decades to even call what he did rape, it wasn't violent (m ch), and I went back to him time and again out of severe loneliness, which has caused me unlimited guilt. If you have experienced teacher abuse, please email me. I'd like to talk to someone who understands. Thank you. -- Deb

I know I have no room to say much, because a lot of u have had it a lot worse than I have, but in my mind, I know I've had it pretty $hitty. I've been sexually abused many times, but that was a long time ago, and i've taken that tim to get over it. But for right now i'm dealing with getting over a domestic abuse problem. .I'm only 16 years old and I'm severely emotionally traumatized by an abusive relationship. I was with him for a year and a half. I gave him my virginity, he asked me to marry him, I though we were sooo in love, u know, the whole 9 yards. He had almost always been very controlling, I was hardly allowed to have any friends at all, and the ones i did have i could only talk to on the phone, when he knew about it. I "was so in love with him" that I couldn't leave him, ever. he started hitting me, and pushing me around, slamming me into things, and stuff like that. after he learned that that was working he got worse, 1st he'd pick me up and slam me on the ground, knocking the wind outta me (once f r wanting to wear a long skirt), try breaking my hand, but stop b4 i started to scream from the pain, he'd choke me until I passed out... this entire summer i couldn't wear T-shirts, because my upper arms were completely covered in bruises, there wasn't a single part of my upper arm that wasn't purple and brown. It was humiliating, people gave me funny looks cause i was walking around in 100 % whether wearing big baggy, long sleeved clothes. anyway, so he basically made my life a living hell for a long time.. U till about 2 1/2, 3 months ago (i'm not sure, i don't let myself think about it long enough to figure it out.) when he flat out beat the shit out of me for the 1st time... The night b4 he got arrested for assaulting his sister (what a winner, eh?) and he aid he'd call me asap, or have someone get a hold of me and let me know what happened, so i bawled that whole night (cause i thought the reason he got in a fight her in the 1st place was because of me, not because he and his family are psychotic) and the next day. and he never called me, i didn't know if he was in jail or what, i had no idea what was goin on, but i couldn't handle sitting at home wondering, it was killing me, i had to get outta the house, so i called my best friend and we went over to my guy friends house, (which was normally ok with him because he trusted this guy) but his really cute brother was o er there too. (he said that had nothing to do with it, but i know it had everything to do with it) Anyway, At about 8:00 that night I see him flying down the road in his friends pick up, and he jumps outta the truck b4 his friend even stops. even when i 1st heard the truck down the road i knew what was coming. he got out and looked at me with those eyes, that look he always got when it was gonna happen. but it was worse this time, and it terrified me. He told me to come with him behind the house and i said no. he drug me back there anyway. he started smacking me repeatedly, not even letting me speak. my face started to go numb, i could hardly talk. I was sobbing. I told him I loved him and he hit me even harder. I told him it was over, he hit me even harder and told me if i ever talked like that again he'd kill me. he head butted me so hard i had a goose egg an inch and a 1/2 off my fore head, it almost knocked me out. after he had beaten the shit outta me. he grabs me by the throat and says these worse "thats it you're gonna die....how does it feel to die?" those last 6 words messed me up worse than any of it. . . He told me later that he lost it and he doesnt even remember any of it, but thats bull. He looked sane when he did it, he didnt look nuts like he used o. he looked normal, like he didnt care... When i woke up i was lying on the ground and i didnt know where i was or what happened, i looked up at him and it took me about 30 seconds to figure out who he was. I started breathing again and everything came into focus, but i still didnt know what'd happened. I started sobbing and asked what had just happened. he started crying and sat down by me. thats when i remembered what happened. he bawled and told me to kill him, that he didnt deserve to live, i told him it was over and to stay away from me for ever. he didnt. the next day he called me to apologize.... i took him back. 3 days later he hit me again I'm now living 350 miles away from him. after i dumped him he begged me to take him back 3 times, i said no. the day b4 i moved here we talked for the 1st time since we split up. i cried, he bawled, he said he missed me and was so sorry and wanted me back in his life forever, blah blah blah. i said iwas sorry, that it couldnt happen. that was the last i've seen of him for about 2 months. I've never been more proud of myself. But i'm not happy. by far. i pretend i am though, i hang out with my friends all t e time, i'm always the life of the party, i have a lot of friends. People would say I'm over what he did to me. But i'm not. Im not suicide anymore, but i still have no self esteem and am still trying to deal with the pain he put me through. this is the st time ive admitted this to even myself, but i think part of me still loves him. I need help to get over this, but i dont know who to turn to. My parents would flip out for not telling them, then just use it against me like everything else, and end up blaming it on me. and i really dont need all that to add to it. i have friends that would be there for me, but i'm afraid that if i start admitting that i'm not over it i'll start getting more depressed and more depressed... who should i turn to? I dont know hat to do... please help me.. I'm sorry this was so long, u didnt hafta read it, i just had to get all this out 4 the 1st time. thank u for your time... email me if u wanna talk or something. thanx.. ~angie Angela

I am the victim of abuse by my brother. Only by God's healing power am I going to be all right. It has taken me a very long time to heal. I was four or maybe even younger when it started, and it didn't stop until I was thirteen. I guess he didn't want me pregnant. I still don't talk to him or my parents very much. My parents don't know what happened to me and would either disown me, ignore it, or call me a liar. It's sad that I can't trust my own family. I have had a lot of support from my former youth pastor and h s wife plus a lot of support from another lady in my church. My husband has really been supportive through all the fears and nightmares. I feel like I have been incredibly lucky for all of the support, but I know that Jesus is the only one who can ever really heal you. Knowing Jesus is the only reason I never became promiscuous and married the man that I did. I have thought about getting counseling to be able to confront my brother and to tell my parents. I know that I don't want him to do to someone else wha he did to me. Thank you. - Marge

Hello: I was at your website and found it rather interesting and very informative. I have a book that just came out last week and is doing very well here in the United States. The following is information on the book and contact numbers if you would like to co tact me. You have my permission to pass this information on to others if you would like. I was a 5 year old boy when the United States Social Services decided to put me in a foster home. I was raped and abused there for over a year. The book speaks of those issues and how I dealt with the emotions of its after effects as I grew up. The book can be ordered at the publisher's website at "iuniverse.com" and soon at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.com with this ISBN: 0-595-12949-8. Thank you very much for your time and even more for your work and effort in helping abused children. I wish you and yours the best of life. "From Fear to Hope & Back Again" by Jose G Acosta A collection of poetry set in sequence telling a story. The story of a child that was raped (sexually abused being to kind of a phrase) and physically abused at the age of five in a foster home. After being returned to his paternal family he experienced he darkness of poverty, family alcoholism and tragedies. The poems reflect how those events formed the character of this child. Powerful writings that come from the memories of this child. Emotions from fear, to hope and even love are dealt with compassionately. Romance and love are met with caution and the flashbacks of the abuse are as strong as the events themselves. Even after 35 years, a name, a scent, or a song trigger the devastating memories to reduce a man to become a child once more. With a passion for life no one can deny, this child learns about hope and thrives to succeed. This book takes you on a roller coaster of emotions, each dealing with an event in the person's life. This is a true story. This book cannot only be read it can be felt. Jose G Acosta, the author was born in Las Cruces, New Mexico in January 1959. The sixth of twelve children. The hardships of poverty placed him in a foster home at the age of five. After over a year he was reunited with his paternal family. Excelling in academics through out his school years he received three academic scholarships to attend New Mexico State University in the engineering programs. Shortly after he joined the United States Navy and served proudly for over 19 years before being medically discharged. Currently an engineer, conducting research and analysis for military training. He used writing as therapy and "From Fear to Hope & Back Again" will be the first time his family is told of the events of his childhood in the foster home. ISBN: 0-595-12949-8 $9.95 U. S. / $15.95 Canada September 2000 Published by Writers Club Press Address: iUniverse.com, Inc. 620 North 48th Street, Suite 201 Lincoln, Nebraska 68504-3467 The author: Jose G Acosta Orlando, Florida 407 249-2488 ext 18 E-mail: ChiefWrites@aol.com >> Jose G Acosta

I don't generally consider myself a survivor, but I am one. I am 18 years old and it has been 11 years since I was sexually abused, though only a month since I was verbally abused. My stepfather made my life hell. I told my mother what happened only a few weeks ago and because of this, the police can't do ANYTHING for me. I can't prosecute that bastard because of the law. Because of the statute of limitations. Damn the police. Damn the laws. They ALL suck. Because even though the law has been changed, it doesn't work in reverse and thus, I can't do anything. Do I deserve no retribution? I've been mistreated for years and now that I am an "adult" there is NOTHING I can do about it. Listen up, people, you HAVE to do something about abuse. It just eats you up inside and makes you angry. FIGHT BACK and be strong. I wish I had fought harder and been stronger. REGRET is the worst feeling in the world. Much love. -- XSarahX