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Please somebody write on the wall and tell me something about myself. I'm 47 yrs old/f. I have one memory of being sexually abused, my uncle who was in his teens touched me when I was 3. About 10 yrs ago, my older sister told me of her sexual abuse by the same uncle. At least then I knew that what I had remembered was true and I knew her story was true too. Also, I was raped about 15 yrs ago. Never told anyone about it. Cause I thought I had put myself into the situation through being naive. Anyway, for the first time in my life, I'm getting triggered. I have had 2 times of feeling like the rape has just happened. It was so very scary the first time, then I took time to figure out what was happening. It feels like the rape time, but with the old sexual abuse ... well, I just don't know what to think. The second triggering was again like the rape had just occured but this time I knew immediately what I was feeling. So it was awful to feel so unsafe and unprotected and vulnerable, but I wasn't scared of just the 'fact' of being triggered. What's happening to me. Has anyone else had abuse very early in life and not have it continue. I have been told that maybe there is more abuse to remember and the memories may come. Right now, that's all I know about my past. I have a therapist. I am just now ready to tell about the rape. And even though i have told about the early abuse, I haven't worked on it in therapy yet. Any help or info will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.-- MG

I'm looking for support from others to help release me from the isolation and anger I feel. My story is long, but suffice it to say I confronted my father 15 years ago, and still have people like my brother and his wife who feel it is their job--consciou ly or not--to try and make me feel like the bad seed and ashamed. I also am blessed to have family who are fun and healthy to be around, yet I still feel like they have rose-colored glasses on about my family. But I've also done a lot to truly educate hem, and make them see my parents and my brother are never there for me to talk about a damn thing, no matter how "sweet" they are. Why do survivors have to earn our place in society and in our families? Do we remind them of how weak they are? -- Mary Ann

I'm f/20 years old, survivor of 18 years of sexual abuse and violence...i try to heal , to hang in there, i don't know where my hope's coming from , but i have hope...I have the same problems to live in everyday life with the effects of the abuse. I'm a elfinjurer, so for those who wanna talk about abuse, healing, share poetry, talk about selfinjury and everything that comes with it...i'm there. Feel Free to email me * Don't give up on life, there's always hope * -- Laurie Visit Me

I had been in therapy for many, many years after many years more of sexual abuse. It has taken me outrageous steps, simple steps to finally see the word sexual separate from abuse. Without hope and faith love is not possible and love is the answer. Never, EVER give up. Through every tear and every fear there is love in yourself and the world around you - The greatest doubt incest causes is doubt of love's reality. Strive to look for it everyday and make it real for your recovery and the emotions that will lead you into harmony with the world you can trust will never be more than a heartbeat away. Take it for it's worth. Use it if you are suicidal. Peace. --Anon

I posted to this over a year ago.... Alot has happen in that +year. At the time I posted I was in a relationship that I thought was a good one. Found out that I was incorrect. Come to find out he had a problem of his own. He was addicted to pornograph (he kept it hidden very well). This affected so many areas of our relationship. I was really trying to work with him (after I found out about it). All he was interested in was working on my issues of my abuse at the hands of my father. I did write to my dad and finally told him that I remember everything about the abuse. My s/o kept on trying to force me into confronting my father again (although I wasn't ready at that time in my life). I believe that he was trying to divert attention from his proble .... we ended up in a power struggle of sorts..... For the past two years I have been confronting him and trying to discuss how his pornography was affecting us and Me, he repeatedly told me that I was being over-reactive.... Well 3 months ago I stood up or my self in a strong way. And now I have left him....Come to find out that he had many other problems that I didn't know about. I am feeling much better these days that I did stand up for myself and did what was good for me and didn't buckle to his pr ssure. I am not saying it was easy, because it was one of the most difficult things in my life. But I did do it. I know I am rambling here..... so I'll stop soon.... Guess what I am trying to say here is that NEVER give up on yourself. I'm nearing 40 ears old .... I am now starting to feel alive for the first time in my life. --Mary Lou

Hi. I'm a 15 year old I just told my secret of my father sexually abusing me. I just started my healing process with other people. I'm trying to become more open about the incidents and trying to find people that I can talk to. I think that people that ha e been through the stuff do better at listening than therapists some times. I hope to find help here from the other survivors. Thanks. -- Angela

I'm a 35 yr old female survivor of several types of abuse. Sexual abuse as a young child by my father; physical, emotional, verbal abuse as a young teen by my step father. I've been through years of counseling and thought I was over the pains of those mem ries. Now however, I'm involved with a wonderful man who's children are suffering from emotional, and verbal abuse at the hands of their mother and step father. I feel like I am living it all again through them. I want to help them so much, however my j vinile instincts are to attack in the way I 'wish' I had been able to in MY past. Abuse never ends does it? I have two wonderful children of my own. I too continued the cycle of abuse with my first born when he was young. I was a single parent, with no idea how to raise a child, and living through my own past experiences. I knew then t was wrong to get so angry and slap him, I just didn't have the knowledge of how to stop it. Fortunately, it ended quickly thanks to my counselor. I know my son remembers what happened, I spend every day of my life appologizing to him 'verbally' and let ing him know that "I" know I was wrong. Now, how do I help my fiance's children????? -- Bubbleswi - Visit Me

I don't know where I'd be in my healing process from sexual abuse right now if it hadn't been for God. Actually, I do know where I would be. Probably in A mental institution or dead. All I can say is that God healed me from anger and bitterness. I sti l have memories, but now I have the assurance that God can take me through it. He truly loves me. . . and you too!!!! Trust Him. Your life will never be the same. Email Me

I am a 21 year old survivor. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of being silenced. Have very little support. I have been abused in so many forms....My father used to beat me...my brother and stepfather used to fuck me...I was always called a lier. My f ther who was a social worker pointed his finger in my face and TOLD me that I have never been an abused child. I AM ANGRY....I am venting...thx. -- Zully

Thanks for your advice. I now have a private e-mail. please write. Heather.

I was also a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I am still in the middle of this very long healing process. Some days I feel very Angry, others I feel very lost. And then there are some where I feel a lot stronger. I have been in therapy for a year, but I m searching for other survivors that would like to exchange e-mail, because i think that survivors understand better than any therapist out there exactly what it takes to keep going everyday. Stacy

Hi Heather, I too am 31 and from England :) You say you can't talk because you share an email address with your husband, have you thought of using an online email account such as hotmail, yahoo, rocketmail or mailexcite, there are so many out there, they re accessible only through the web, and unless you download anything yourself onto the hard drive .. it won't be able to be read by your husband. Simply go to one of the sites www.hotmail.com for instance and sign up. I too have a message board, if you want to talk more feel welcome to contact me there. --Jaeyde - Visit Me

I cannot give my e-mail as I share it with my partner. I was the youngest of 3 girls. My eldest sister and the middle girl always seemed to go together and leave me out. My abuse was not mostly of a sexual nature, but of a mental/ physical one. Excuse me f I don't know all the terms but I do not know who to go to fo help. For as long as I remember I lived with the threat of violence. My sisters took delight in it. They also used to eat sweets and tease me with them -- I am now massively overweight and can ot deny myself things. I was repeatedly told that I was not wanted and that I had been a mistake. I would be beaten and shut in a cupboard for not bringing my sister the correct lipstick. They would go on and on and on hitting me harder, doing just one m re thing to hurt me or call me jsut one more name. When my parents car used to pull up outside the house, I would cry with releif, this became another reason to hit me. When my eldest sister reached puberty, she started to make me do things to her. I woul be about 7 or 8. The thing I feel most difficult to deal with is that I didn't mind. It meant some type of touch. I had no-one. I felt closest to my mother, but she worked and was not there when these things happened. When I was 12 my parents divorceed. was left with my father (who my sisiters had told me was not my father) and his new wife. She had a daughter of 5. I had to do all the houseowrk and look after my step sister.My father's new wife would buy her daughter clothes and toys and hide them from my father. I had nothing, I remember going to school for with holes in my knickers. I don't know if it was inevitable or not, but I ended up using my step sister the same way my sister had used me. I feel sick to the stomach now when I think of it. It hap ened maybe twice, but it happened. I also used to hit her, not just hit but torture, to see how far I could go . Please help me. Now we are older, my mother died early leaving my two sisters, my step sister and my father with his new wife. My step siste is the only one who comes near. We are quite close, but she is messed up emotionally for which I blame myself. Our parents show no interest. My elder sister and I have had an on/off relationship until last year when in the middle of an argument I accuse her of the abuse. She denied it, but made it clear to everyone present that she knew what I was talking about. She has not spoken to me since. My middle sister, to whom I have never been close, still creeeps and crawls to my eldest sister. My father is n t interested in me, my tep mother actively discourages any involvement. I am left only with my step sister and otherwise alone. No member of my family wants to know me. I am left feeling like the guilty one, but I did nothing wrong. I had no guidance. I d d not know about periods or even the simplest of things like washing my face & neck. I am so desperatelly alone. Now I am in a relationship with a good man, but I always seem to be last on his list. He left me last year but came back because he says I for ed him to . We argue lots, but this is because I know no other way to communicate. He does say that he loves me, but never tells me and says he doesn't know what love is. We have been together 10 years. I have the high flying powerful job, he has his own business ran from home, which does not bring in much money. i feel that I am supporting him, he feels I should not be so ambitious and relax more. We have a dog, who I get very violent with. I take things out on the dog who cannot fight back. I know I need help, but do not know where to go . I am desperate to have children, but know this would not be right until my head is sorted. I am 31, in the UK. This is a very brief summary. My family always told me I was evil, I find myself believing them I am either very nice to people - my partner says to the point of embarrassment, or I am cruel. Please post me a reply I need to find answers for the way I behave. I need to sort it out so I can lose weight and get on with my life. I feel now I have lost the only per on who ever cared, my mother, and that I may as well join her. -- Heather

Incest!!! God, how could I forget?? I thank God that I have remembered. So many questions have been put to rest, so much makes sense now. But oh, that dark night of the soul, I almost didn't make it, but I am here to tell the story. I AM living proof that e can go on, and live a healthy life. The pain of realizing that my children had also suffered, was almost more than I could handle. I have placed that into Creator's hands, I will be given the gifts that I need to help them. Creators law of nature, what goes around comes around. I know that in due time we will all have to be accountable for our actions. I am thankful that this cycle has stopped!! I have heard from many good teachers, that we as spirits, chose to come here for this earth walk and have even hosen the families that we will be a part of. What possible lesson could I have needed to learn this time ,to chose the family that I became a part of?? The only thing that makes sense is forgiveness and unconditional love. Go figure!!! This is much easier said than done. Each day I pray that I make progress, and I know that somehow I manage to work through each emotion that rises to the surface to be uncovered. It is from those of us, You and I, who have survived abuse, that this shape shifted world of peace will happen. If you read this, you are in my prayers everyday when I pray for "All my relations". And for those who will never lay eyes on this, they also are in my prayers. Aho! It is so! May we each find the healing that we seek, for it lies within us, underneath the pain. -- Eastsong

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