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I finally came to visit. I found out in 1992 that my father had sexually molested my eldest sister when she was 8. It took until this year to come to grips with that and realize the scope of his actions. I guess in reality I was not able to accept these f acts and not being supportive of my sister when she first confronted the situation is a guilt I have to deal with. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse. This memory was something I had put away on a back burner, yet still being affected through my faceless rage. When I was 13 I was molested by an AV. technician at the high school I was attending. The burden of guilt is something I still bear. At the moment I feel rather consumed, alone and lost. I had based most of my belief system on the premise that I was the one that was dysfunctional, not my family. I am lucky though that my girlfriend is understanding and patient. I am to the point now that I look out my window, I try to venture out into the world as little as possible, and see nothing but hypocracy. It would seem that in my life the abusers were the "upstanding citizen" type and that has made me wary of society as a whole. Luckily I have found someone to help me through this. At this point it seems as though I am standing in one spot with my wheels spinning. I guess it took awhile to get to this point and it will take awhile to move forward from here. -- Jim

Theresa it is almost certain you are feeling this way because of the abuse you suffered. Abuse of any kind robs us of self esteem, self worth and our identities. We lose our direction. But there is a way back. You just have to ask for help. There are great places to get help. Contact me. We can talk.-- Heidi

I hate this shit, here in the middle of the blaring fluorescent lights and the printer hum and all these people I know... I don't even know what I'm thinking, really....... I'm thinking that I just want to holler, oh christ oh god oh god, to turn into someone, curl toward arms that are safe and stronger than mine. oh, christ. is it wrong to hit a four year old? a ten year old? a seventeen year old girl-woman scared in her own body? because I'm still afraid of that, still flinch at hands I have no reason to fear. there is a scar on my back, one I chose... moons fading and coming back... I chose this scar. I chose it, finally, because somewhere on my body had to be proof of what I survived. nobody knows why I got it. after, carrie read the poem, "remember the moo survives" by barbara kingsolve in _another america_.... "remember the moon survives, drawing herself out crescent thin to the darkness that presses himself against her..... you are the one who knows, beneath the rising, falling tide of shadow, the moon i always whole." but, oh, christ, i need to say more to someone, to holler and scream and maybe learn to cry again, but i can't. i can't find anyone. oh, lord, i'm tired. but the moon is full. -- sheherizod

i am afraid. i am once again afraid to live, yet i'm afraid to die. it isn't any one thing that has brought this on again. this horrible feeling of worthlessness, this feeling of wanting to die. i keep on telling myself that it will go away, that there will l be a day when i don't' have to worry about fighting off this depression. but it doesn't work. i can't figure out what is causing this. maybe it has something to do with the abuse i suffered as a child, maybe it doesn't. i don't know. all i know is that i m tired of living, that i can't see all that there is to live for. it isn't that i can't see it, i just have lost all desire for it. does that make sense? is there anyone else who feels this way, even periodically?? because right now i feel like i'm the o only one. just like i did when i was alone with him. i feel alone and tired. i just want to rest. i want to rest in peace forever.-- teresa

I am a 39 year of survivor of child sexual abuse. I am married and have two wonderful children. There is life after abuse. It is filled with laughter and lots of tears. Almost everything reminds me of my childhood. The tough part is staying in the present Right now, today, I am with someone who loves me. He has never hurt me and he has only cared about me being his friend, confidant, partner. We walk a fine line between then and now. When I can stay in the now I am very happy. When the then creeps into my thinking it is very distressing. I am one of the fortunate ones to have found someone caring and understanding who will help me stay here in the now, today. I thank God for having brought him into my life and I wish each of you the joy of finding that one true friend who can help you trust today, love today, and laugh today, heal the child inside, take care of yourself and be able to love without cost. It was a long road to get where I am but it's been worth every step.-- Lost Innocence

Please post this under the name Joanna. I don't even really know where to begin. I was raped by my uncle when I was about 4 or 5 while I was spending the summer at my grandmother's house. It was hot, and I had been playing in her lawn sprinkler, and he was watching me while I played. Later t at day when my grandmother and I were both having afternoon naps, he came into my room. I didn't realize he was in with me until I felt him pressing down on me. I can still remember the smell -- alcohol, stale cigarette smoke and rancid sweat. He jerke off my panties before I was really awake, and began fondling me. I remember being afraid and whimpering, but he told me that if I made any noise or told anyone, he would kill me and my baby brother. Something cut my upper thigh -- his zipper maybe, or is pocketknife -- I still have the scar. I was terrified. He told me that he could tell that I wanted it by the way I had been acting earlier in the day. He pressed my face down into the bedpillow and raped me. Through it all, and for a while after he left, I stayed quiet. I went into the bathroom and saw blood -- on my nightgown, on my legs. I wiped it off and put on some underwear, then crawled back into bed. I felt so very small and sad. My grandmother sent me home a few days later because I was crying all the time and running a fever. I wish that was the only time I had been raped. I was so young then, and my memories of it are hazy around the edges. Unfortunately, my other memories are crystal clear. My self-esteem has never been very good. I fell into an abusive relationship when I was 16. That man abused and intimidated me in every way possible. I was very afraid of him, and especially afraid of what he might do to me if I upset him. He raped an assaulted me, and had other men rape and assault me several times during our relationship. He humiliated and belittled me. The rapes were just an especially degrading item in his array of torture methods. I left him by breaking up with him and immediately fleeing the state. I stayed with a family friend for a couple of years while I was in therapy. I never pressed charges. I thought about it, but decided that nothing could ever make up for what he had done to me, and that my life couldn't stand any m re intrusion, no matter how well-intentioned. Now, later, I wish I had gone to the police. What I want more than anything is to know that he can never do this to anyone ever again. What he did to me is beyond comprehension. He scarred my body, he wound d my soul. It seems massively unfair that I am the one who suffers after these rapes. I have flashbacks and nightmares in which I relive the events. If I were meting out justice, I would se to it that the rapist feels the emotional destruction that comes with rape that he relives the horror and the pain from the victim's point of view every time he sleeps or gets startled. I would certainly make it so that the victim doesn't have to relive her assault ever, ever again. Once is too much! If anyone wishes to contact me, they can .-- Joanna -- Visit Me

I am 31 and was sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally abused by various persons throughout my childhood. I am just beginning the healing process and have already learned a lot. But there is much more to know. I surf through the net looking for something, I am not sure what. All the sites that I've hit echo with what I have said to my therapist. I am beginning to feel less alone. There is so much that I have yet to deal with. I am having great difficulty with helping my own "wounded child". Any advice?-- Heidi

To the person who wrote your name as 'HELLO SURVIVORS'. I would like to e-mail you, but you didn't leave your address. I have left mine so that when you see this you can write to me. I can relate to where you are at and sympathize with what you're going through. I guess since i don't know if you will be back on here or see this, i hope you do, i will write some thoughts on here. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of activity on this board. That's sad. i bet if more people knew about it, they would be here. Anyway, I don't think God blames you for what happened to you. I have went through that a lot, myself, and he has had to tell me over and over that i was an innocent victim. And to forgive myself, even though i didn't do anything. I had a par in what happened to me. I have a hard time with that. But that doesn't change the fact that i was innocent. I am quite sure that he views you the same way. innocent. And i don't think he would have a problem with you getting married in the church. od, i can SO relate to what you wrote!! I hope that you visit the board again and see this bc i have SO much i'd like to say to you. I understand ALL ABOUT feeling dirty and spoiled, and like how could anyone love me, especially God. I knew God before was molested, and i struggled with why he allowed that to happen to me, bc i already believed in him. I have asked him a lot of really tough questions, too, like you have here. I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with asking those questions, and it is not like sacrilegious or anything -- not against god -- to ask those questions. He is not afraid of our honest heartfelt questions. or offended by them. You are very brave to have voiced them. Remember that. I will call you braveheart. It takes a very brave person to struggle so honestly with these things. If you see this, please e-mail me. There is so much more i would love to say to you regarding this. Love, Jo (((((((((((((((((((((Braveheart))))))))))))))))))))))))))))-- Jo

I just started to tell my story, I touched a key by mistake AND IT IS GONE...IS THIS DESTINY THIS IS THE SECOND TIME THIS HAPPENS TO ME AND I WAS WELL ON THE WAY. -- Anon

I feel hopeless. I was sexually abused by my mother, father, grandfather, brothers, stepfather, and others for many years. I am now 48 years old. I just started dealing with this about a year ago. Right now I am in such devastation that I don't know here to turn. I can hardly get through the day. I have a friend in another state I email. We have both been dealing with problems. She just told me that I was getting to intense for her and she didn't want us to email each other every day like we use to and she didn't feel open to share with me like she did. This really hurt as I was always there for her when she had problems. I don't know how to take this. I don't know if maybe that is a sign she really is not a friend or what. I feel deserted b everyone. She really hurt me. I am so sick of this and I cannot get out of this devastation phase. Everything is black. I am seeing a therapist but I am so sick of how this effected my entire life and now I am so sick of trying to deal with the aftereffects. I just feel like giving up.-- Hopeless

Life can get better - it will get better. Forgive your self......let your self be.....you have a right to be here, to be happy, nobody had to right to do to you what they have. Its not your fault, you should have been protected. Don't let those horrible, miserable people control your life, happiness and spirit ANY LONGER!! There is a book out "The Courage to Heal", my Mother gave it to me a year ago. I have not read it, but keep it in plain view so i look at the title several times a week. Just the title has given me strength. Get what ever help you can, continue to seek happiness, it is there is every aspect of our life, we just have to be aware it's there. The smile on a child's face is a good place to start. That is pure joy. I have found the more happiness i look for, the more happiness comes my way. This may seem impossible to you, but it is not......bear in mind however, it took me 20 years, and a 3 yr old son to achieve this attitude. A warm stream of sun shine, a flower blooming, or even the thought or your abusers suffering through a horrible existence. These are all good places to start practicing to be happy. Keep working at it, and one day it won't be work any more. *** I have notice that there are Sex Offender Registries on line. But only a few states seem to have them. I would be interested in any sites you guys would know about, for New Jersey. I have searched and searched.....I'm also looking for a way to get a re gistry on line, and I can't imagine where to start.-- Lee Anne

I am 25 years old and have been dealing with my abusive parents for a few years. I want to know if there are other people out there who find themselves torn between the 'bad' side of their parents and the 'good' side of their parents. Specifically, I know that what happened to me and my siblings was wrong. What I do need to know though is if it is normal to feel guilty about telling what has gone on. It's like last week in a session with my therapist, I told her I was so worried about being like them and now I regret saying it. They are not all bad and my mom is trying to be nice this week anyway. Any input would be appreciated. Lisa Marie

I am 21.. survivor of physical abuse.. "Dad" beat me for 13 years.. am going through major depression... trying to find a new therapist.. I am so stressed from my life, my memories that come back... Some days all i do is come home and sit on my butt and watch tv or get on the internet all night... I can't get myself to do much.... Have never confronted "dad" on the abuse.. I don't have any contact with him - my choice too... It is hard for me so much right now...-- Angelic

I like this site maybe It can help maybe it can't. I was four when I was accused of taking my dad from my mother. She died thinking I was a slut. I never worked through the things I went through as a young girl. I have the opportunity to But didn't use it like I should have. I am now 34 with two children, Kind of struggling, Nothing big, But I see my father every day and wonder why I didn't take the road my brothers did and become a heavy drinker or something. I have never had a normal relationship, I don't even know what one is. Knowing now that I need someone in my life I have such a low self-esteem I feel that it will never be able to let someone love me, the way I have been told I should be, or deserve to be?-- Cheryl

Hi, I thought this page is such a good thing. I was sexually abused for as a child by a next-door neighbour, starting when I was 5. Then numerous times by a cousin, the last time being when I was 13. I am now 16 and am just starting to deal with all of this. The only person who knows this is overseas and I'd really like to talk to anyone else who knows what I'm going through. I'd love to here from you. -- Sarah

Hi. I'm a 34-year-old married mom of 3, stepmom of 1. I found this site and hope to be able to talk with others here. I grew up in an abusive home, of course, as we all did here. I don't really care to go into all the details here, but if you'd like t talk with me privately by email, ICQ or AOL Instant Messenger, I'd be glad to talk with you. Thanks! Have a great day!!-- Lisa --Visit Me

I am very thankful to the other people that have been brave enough and strong enough to post their stories here. I do not think anyone is as lonely as an abused child. Reading other peoples stories is very helpful to my healing process. I would like to tell my story. I was physically abused by my father from age four to age 15 almost daily. I was sexually abused (raped) by him during this same period but not daily. He also abused three friends of mine. I was sexually abused by my mother by being fondled quite often. My mother also verbally abused me as well. I have alot of flashbacks and memories and sometimes they are very hard to stop. I am 42 years old. I just started going to a counslor and have had two visits with her. I have hopes of healing and being whole. I have hopes of all the survivors healing and being whole. I wish peace for all the survivors. We deserve it.-- Cornelia

I just read a comment from ALICE, and her story read so much like mine. I was raped by my brother, who is three years older, and his friends, when I was eight until I was about 13 or so. I don't remember how it all got started. I suppressed the memory f it until I was in my late 20's. Even when my husband was describing his abuse I never recalled mine. Years later, I remember watching a movie called "Who Is Juilia" and thinking who is Pam. The movie had nothing to do with sexual abuse, but it trigger ed memories. It's been a slow healing process for me. After my father died in 1991 more memories surfaced. I was able to quit smoking after 18 years and realized that " I am in control of my life. " One of the most rewarding things I did was to volunteer for a Sexual Assault Center. The training that I went through was a Revelation for me. It taught me that it wasn't my fault. This and all the therapy I have had has helped me to go forward with my life. I now feel stuck in my healing process because of my Mother. I thought when I told her of the abuse she would protect me, but she hasn't. She has protected my brother. I live my life away from her for the most part, but at holiday times ( especially Mothers Day) its difficult. If anyone would car to e-mail me please do. Thank you. -- Pam S Hestikind

I'm 15 years old and am a survivor of sexual abuse. My grandmother's brother sexually molested me from age 7 1/2 to age 13. He's in jail now but I still don't feel like I can trust men. I still have nightmares and trouble concentrating. Well if you'd l ike to email me please do so. -- Angela

I don't have the strength that the rest of you do, to post my story here. I admire everyone that has the courage to come forward...but I haven't quite reached that stage yet. I'm a 21yr old male, who was abused both physically and sexually from the ages of 10-16. I am still dealing with trying to understand that it wasn't my fault, because I think there will always be that voice in my head that tells me that it *was*. I know I need to find help- find a way to get this out in the open, and deal with it, but I don't know how. Any time that I've tried to find help in the past, I've been met with disbelief or accusations. No one listens.-- Dominic

My dear and precious sisters, Let me share a story of hope and healing. I was nine when I was raped by my brothers and their friends. My older brother continued it off and on for four more years. For me, healing began after I did a formal confession with a wise and gentle older priest who made sure that I was safe and understood my need to be free of guilt. Healing didn't happen all at once, or right away. I have struggled with depression (I didn't recognize it for years, and wish I had begun therapy much sooner). My first husband was a cold and distant man who left me after eight years. But I was fortunate o meet a gentle and caring man who has been patient and loving, and we have been married for 16 years. We have been able to build a lovely home and raise two sweet kids. Each day and each year it gets better, and easier to move on, and to understand and a cept myself. And life doesn't have to wait until healing is complete; we can begin living today. I hope all of you find healing, and that there is deep love ahead for you in your lives. God bless. Alice

I was abused for several years as a child, starting at the age of 6, ending when I was 13 for the most part. Though there a few minor incidents afterwards until I was 16. Then my dad raped me. He hurt me in ways I can't even conceive of today. My life has been one long rape (several as an adult) and suicide attempts related to those incidents as well as a depression. It was pointed out to me by my fianc�, that I was raped every even year, and tried suicide every fourth year from the time I was 16 until I was 26 ( I just turned 29 in Jan). This gave me hope because it meant that as of Dec 31 of 98, I had broken the cycle. It had been four years since I attempted to kill myself and two since I had been raped. This raises my hopes a lot for healing in my future. -- Rose --Visit Me

I was abused as a child and raped at 22. I am now 24 and pregnant. Being pregnant has made it more difficult to deal with. I feel shame at times when my boyfriend and I are intimate. I don't understand it, because I love him very much and he is very good o me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get past this pain. At times it's absolutely unbearable. I feel for all of you. We need to stay close to God, he can help if we let him. Sometimes it's hard to. I just want the shameful dirty feelings to go away!!!!!! -- Mary

What do you do when the memories suddenly come back. He is gone now and I cannot say anything to him about what happened all those years ago. Must I find all the memories or is this enough. I understand my problems with relationships over the years and years since it stopped. None of it was my fault but I have carried the blame so many years now. I just want to be free and to recapture the child that was lost. My family that is left did not make him stop but surely some of them had to know. What are some alternative ways to handle this and recover?-- desiree

I have sometimes these pictures. In my head. in my thoughts. -- Sara

I am depressed. -- sara

I've only recently been dealing with the issues of my own sexual abuse, and it's very hard for me, because I can find no one who has had this experience. I was abused when I was in elementary school by one of my male friends. He was the same age as me a d I considered him to be my "friend". Because he wasn't an adult, it's very hard for me to accept it as abuse. Has anyone else been abused by a friend who was the same age as them?-- Beth

Hello sisters and brothers...I am turning 30 next month and am currently dealing with a fresh new wave of body memories and flashbacks involving my brother (who's 15 years older than me) and my father. My brother abused me when I was app roximately 5 year of age and continued the covert abuse after the overt molestation's ended. My mother, who was informed of the abuse, protected HIM and shamed me into silence and guilt. My father was always prone to highly inappropriate, disgustingly seductive behavior but I think he may have crossed the last shreds of any boundaries when I was a teen and he was experiencing paranoid-schizophrenic episodes. In the meantime, I am back in therapy and trying to form a support group in my area (Southern CT); I also have tat terred or absolutely no relationship with anyone in my family except for one sister. (For the record, there are 5 children and I am the youngest...) I am SO sick of secrets and being told that "it was a long time ago." BULLSHIT!!! That abuse, derived from either the overt or covert levels, has affected EVERY portion of my existence, not the least of which are a crippling depression and an anorectic personality. I'm SO tired of not being heard and taken seriously. It's time for this crap to END, once and for all. I want to reclaim my power as a Woman and a Spirit; I do not want to be enslaved within this so-called family unit anymore. If anyone can relate and would like to talk, please e-mail me. Thank you. - Christine Dianna

hello, my name is ginny r.shaw, i am 25, and i am writing a book on sra, or cult/ritual abuse. my maternal grandparents abused this way and sexually and after blocking it out till i was 15, i am just now starting to work on the issues. but the book is going to be mainly for woman who've been abused this way, and it covers a lot of areas that come as a result of the abuse, like mpd and others. please e-mail me w/ anything you'd like to submit; poetry, your story, or if you just need a friend. I REFUSE TO BE Q UIET OR ASHAMED!!!! -- Ginny

I just wanted to say that I feel everyone's pain. I have been raped repeatedly by 2 different guys. That was 3 years ago, and I feel the effects stronger today than ever. I have just now been able to seek help and admit what happen. A so to see that i wasn't my fault. It's a long battle, and the end isn't in sight yet...but I am bound and determined to go from 'victim' to 'survivor'!!!!! E-mail me if you need to talk:) -- Mandy

I am 17 years old now, I was sexual abused by my bother(who is only five years old then me) when I was 8 until he became a freshman in high school. I have never told anyone, until recently I told my best friend I was abused. I hate my brother so much but love him enough not to tell. Things in my house are kind of bad and my brother has had problems with my parents. They already give him trouble I just don't want to add more. I have been able to say it was no big deal until recently when I became sexual active with my boyfriend. He loves me so much but for some reason I just can't love him. I have never been in love with anyone. When thing are going great I get scared and I feel like something is wrong. When he says he loves me I always tell him he do esn't. Why can't I love someone or be happy when I have something good? I have a lot of questions and I would love for someone to e-mail me if they think they can answer them. Gina

hello out there hang in there -- brandie

I'm am thirty two years old and I was sexually abused by two different people at the age of seven and eight. By my babysitters son and the other person was a good friend of the family. How can I begin to explain what that has done to me all these years. I was also brought up in a domestic violence home. I am an only child and I just started my long journey into my recovery. My parents knew what happened because I told them. They basically told me not to ever tell anyone and to forget about it. I Never spoke about it and I didn't forget about it. I didn't think about it every second of my life however, I feel different. I was a very withdrawn person. When I got into my teenage years that is when the problem really surface. I dated but kissing was s far as it ever went. I was paranoid of hugging someone. I always have worn baggy clothes. I have had many eating problems. I have been dieting since I was like 12 or 13yrs old. I have abused laxatives, Diuretic pills. Enemas, and have been lately e ting and throwing up. I feel that the skinnier I am the less people can notice me. I can't sleep very well at night. I have nightmare of a man chasing me. I have loved and have been loved but yet love is a very complex thing. I love my fianc�e to death and he loves me also, but during this feeling of love I feel so overwhelmed because how can someone love me so much. I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel so scared when I am happy. I never thought someone could ever love me like my fianc�e does or me love someone the way I love him. I tend to withdraw myself when I see things going great between us because it scares me. I often catch myself crying when I am happy. This healing process is very painful and I know I have a very long way to go. Will the pain ever go away. W Will the day come when I can feel free like a bird. Will the day come that I can love myself love my body love life. The constant Demons inside fighting is a never ending story. I am getting married soon and my priest suggested I get counseling and to tell my fianc�e what happened to me. It took a while to tell him but I did and he felt very sorry and very bad that I had to go through this. I wish I could talk to him about it but I think it make him feel uncomfortable, so I deal with it by myself. There are day that the pain is so bad I want to die. The tears are endless and thinking about having children is not something I think I can do. I'm so scared to have one. I love kid but I know that I would be one of those moms who would be very cautious and protective over my kids. I always dreamed if a wedding, but I don't think I deserve one because I lost my virginity at the age of seven. Do you think I deserve to get married b church in a white dress? It's the only thing I have left and I want that day to be so perfect. My fianc�e told me that I deserve all the good things in life. Do I even love. If anyone can give me some advice please feel free to write. It would sure h help me. I am going through a lot of changes right now. I am trying to recover from this terrible nightmare that has haunted me for over 25 years. I just moved in with my fianc�e and I am helping him raise his two daughters which he has custody of. I can hide like I used to from the world. Someday I will be free from this pain..........Someday we all will. -- Anonymous

I am 34 years old. From the age of six through thirteen, I was sexually abused by my father. He never got reported and to this day, he never has. But the plain fact is that NOW I am going to take that step to put my abuser away. When I got married in 991, I thought the pain would go away. I thought I conquered everything. The fact is....it never truly goes away but there is something I can do to feel more content in my life. I lost my child in a custody case and Yes...it all leads back to him....my father. I didn't get counseling until after the divorce and child custody case but now I understand why I others control me and why I wanted so much to please. Currently I am authoring a book to help others by using my story and myself as an example. f I help just one person...ONE person....even if it be someone who had not been sexually abused as a child (with the goal in mind to help them understand their significant other) I will in all my power, do so. I love children! I love my son! I am a survivor even if unfortunately I, in a way, had to sacrifice my own him to get my healing. I believe I will never truly be healed until I have accomplished healing another. And that means exposure. I am interested in case studies and collaboration in my en endeavor. Please contact me if you want to take action!. We are normal human beings...and It is NOT our fault.!!!!! It hurts! Not to be able to hold my son...not to be able to see his happy face when he wakes up each morning....not to be able to say to h m, "Sorry, son...but your daddy didn't understand and believe me. He was scared...and so he chose his handling by making me...the victim...look like I was incapable of being a good mother to you. Not to be able to see who was the real fault.....YOUR grandfather." I HAVE A UNIQUE STORY TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD! I want justice! This is my chosen way of doing it. Please contact me!! We, with a voice, can do something about it! -- Deb

Hello Survivors. My never ending pain. How it follows me where ever I go. God why did you let this happen. I was always a good little girl. I was a daughter of Mary and I did my communion, confirmation I prayed everyday and I had so much faith in you God. Why do people hurt little children. I am a 32 year old female who has just started my long journey to what it's called recovery and healing. How many of you feel like me. Am I the only one. Do you often feel the pain deep within your soul. You hear yourself screaming inside but no one can hear you. Sleeping is not a peaceful sleep. The hate and constant war we have with our bodies. I wish I could change mine. I feel dirty all the time so I take three or four showers a day and use two or three different soaps. have abused laxatives, diuretic pills and sleeping pills. I often force myself to puke to get all the stuff out of my body. but it is never enough because the pain is still there. I often think how I wish I could fly or swim into another world where k ids can be kids and not be harmed where we can all play like normal kids, laugh, and grow happy. When does this black shadow go away, when can we start living the life we survivors deserve to live. I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel helpless, I feel ugly, I eel like I don't deserve to be loved. One thing that has always bothered me and I knew that someday the day was going to arrive when I were to ask a priest Father, can I still get married in the church if I was sexually abuse as a child. Will God be ok with that. I've yet to ask my priest. My wedding day is in September and I still can't believe that it's going to happen. We all deserve to be loved but for me the demons inside are constantly saying no no who will love you no one will marry you you have been spoiled. God I pray , and pray to you every night please take this pain away. Anyone who wants to email me back or respond, please your more than welcome. Thank you - Anon

How do you heal if you can't remember? At the age of 39 I started to remember some situations where my brother would molested me. It truly rocked my world for a while. Being a true survivor I knew I had to start the healing process. Six years later I find I have hit a brick wall. I have since remembered times when my grandfather, brother, and images of my father all molesting me. My problem is that I have only small images and memories of my father. I am trying so hard to remember so the healing can continue e. Is it safe to get hypnotized? Is it better still to continue to wait for my mind to do it on it's own? The little girl in me is screaming to be released and the woman in me is ready to embrace her. Yet, how do I continue if I can't remember? Dee

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