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i hate myself. i hate myself because of what happened to my body. because i can't ever be free. no matter what happens, i will forever know. even if i was somehow able to forget, my body remembers. people tell me i'm wonderful. people tell me i'm loving. but only i know that it is all an act. it is all so that they can see what i want them to see. i don't want them to see the real me. the me who *wanted* him. the one who lusted after him like he taught me to. the pain, the pain, it just engulfs me. and won't let me go. it feels as tho it will just break my skin and spill over, like my blood as the knife cuts it. it is so tempting. to just take the knife, and run it along my skin so i can concentrate on other things... that coldness is back. he numbing coldness that feels like ice water running in my veins. what did i ever do to deserve this??? there was never anything lovely or beautiful about me. i was and am fat. i have dull brown eyes, my skin is ashy. why?? why?? all i want to do, and al i can see is me cutting my skin so that the blood flows out, along with all the memories. that's why i'm so afraid. because i know in my heart that i am unworthy of any and everything. even life. and even if i was, it just hurts so much, is so all encompassing that i almost cant stand it. all that keeps me in is that i can't stand thinking of hurting my family even more than i already have. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry for playing that stupid game. i hate him. i hate him so much!!!!-- Teresa

Hi. I have had a situation that really has been hard the last couple of weeks. I've been doing good at keeping things straight in my mind - that it is the way i think it is - and that I am right in what I'm seeing about it, in the face of total denial b this other person. "C" . But at the same time, I want feedback about what other people would things of this situation, not being in it, that might help me to clarify it. I have known "C" for around 2 years, and she has always been somewhat stubborn about getting things the way that she wants them to be, and not considering or even caring really how I feel about things. She gets ideas in her head of things she wants to do or wants me to do, and I can say that i don't want to do that, and she has sat th re and pressured me to change my mind, and just like on a vandetta to have it the way she wants it. Well, almost 3 weeks ago, i told her that I was in a rotten mood, and that 'this will be a day when i don't want hugs.' well, she sat there and said, "w ll, i GUESS i can accept that.." (like she has the RIGHT to decide whether she's going to do it whether i said that or not!!!) I knew right when she said that, that she WOULD cross my boundary and do it anyway. Just by her saying that. Well, we were a a meeting after that, and i was waiting for things to start. it was early yet, so there weren't a lot of people there yet. I was sitting in a chair, leaning my head on my arms on the chair in front of me, and C came up and put her arm over my back, and grabbed my shoulder, and squeezed on my arm, so i was squeezed between her hand and her shoulder. I was INSTANTLY furious, and it happened like that just like i KNEW it would!!! She SAID she could "accept" that -- but she DIDN'T. And i had KNOWN she wouldn't! Well i was REALLY angry with her, and i went and told her i didn't appreciate what she did, and that she hugged me anyway after i told her i didn't want one. She said, she didn't give me a HUG. She said she was "just reaching out to you with where you were at" . Well, that made me angry, bec you DON'T "reach out to me" where i'm at by deliberately CROSSING my boundary i had JUST SET!!!!! It bothered me that she said that. Later i wrote her a letter, and told her that i was still not happy about that incident, and that from now on i didn't want her to touch me, "IN ANY WAY, FOR A N Y REASON" i don't CARE why, or WHAT her reasoning. I wrote that what she did was not much different from what my abusers did to me -- maybe it wasn't rape in a se ual way, but it WAS rape of my will, and my power over my body, bc she didn't listen to or respect my "NO". And emotionally, bc of how it made me feel. It was not a nice soft letter, either. It was harsh, and very dead-serious about what i was saying. I said that this was NOT just about what SHE wants - at MY expense. And that she gets things in her mind to do and she does them, regardless of what other people feel or want. She KNOWS that i was abused, she KNOWS i am in therapy, and dealing with these issues right now, and she KNOWS what it's like to go through this, bec she has been there herself. There is NO excuse for that, to me. Anyway, i realized that i wrote it harshly bec i felt so threatened that she still wouldn't listen to me and back off - we have been around this many times, about me wanting her to back off and her not doing it -- and I wanted to make sure she knew how absolutely serious i felt and was going to be about it. 2 weeks went by after i gave her the letter, and she never cal ed me, and i never called her, and i thought i would just let her sit on it, until she decided to call me about it. We bumped into each other at a group again last Wednesday. After it was over, and everyone was talking, she came up to me, and either grabbed my sleeve and yanked it a few times, to get my attention with what she was saying - not harshly or whatever, but she TOUCHED me nonetheless, AFTER i said i didn't want her to touch me in ANY way, for ANY reason -- she either did that, or she TAPPED my arm a few times. I don't remember exactly which - i just know she put her hand on me, and she had it there for a minute. THAT pissed me off - I had JUST told her that -- HARSHLY!!! she JUST DOESN'T "GET" IT!!! While she was doing that, she said that " e need to talk" and i said yeah, i think we need to talk too. She said, i'm glad you think we need to talk too. I don't know what she thought that meant -- maybe that i was just going to apologize and say how WRONG i was. NOT!!!! Well we went and talked, and she said that her thought on the letter was, "is THIS the kind of letter you write to a FRIEND?" I later thought i should have said -- no FRIEND goes and crosses a FRIEND'S boundaries!! CONSISTENTLY!! -- she said that she "acknowledge that you FELT VIOLATED, .... but, "IIIIIII didn't VIOLATE you." And that she was nothing like what i said she was in that letter, and that her intentions were only to reach out to me, and that she just didn't violate me. I just FELT violated. Like it had NOTHING to do with her!! And she said she thought she had a "good idea where that's coming from" (meaning NOT from her!!) I told her " i feel like you're trivializing my feelings, and saying they have NOTHING to do with anything you did." She denied that. B t she kept saying "that's how you FEEL right now, but, ""ACCORDING TO R E A L I T Y...... (HER reality, and the way SHE wants to see it all)... that's NOT the way it is"" she said that like 4 times. Talk about REALLY tick me off! "C" where was i? Oh - "according to reality" . I told her that "yeah, according to YOUR reality.. but this is MY reality (basically that what i'm seeing and saying is ABSOLUTELY valid - it's not wrong bc she doesn't agree with it - especially since it put HER in a bad light). I am NOT an unreasonable or irrational person. I tend to be a lot more forgiving than i should be at times. But this is just way TOO MUCH. Anyway, she was saying that i would have a hard time with this group, bec "WE'RE (like I'M ot a part of it!!) a HUGGY group." i told her this was not about the GROUP. I have NO doubt that most of the people there would be happy to back off if i asked them too. i have no problem with them. it's HER. And the fact that i TOLD her i didn't wan a hug, and she put her hands on me anyway -- and more than once, at that! Well, i told her at the end of the talk that we should keep our distance from each other, bec she had said "I'm a huggy person-- that's JUST the way i AM". which to me insures that she will continue to violate my limits, despite what I've said, if she's given the chance. And she said that "i would have a hard time being friends with someone and not being able to hug them, and that i will feel like i'll get my head bit off (basical y) if i forget and touch you." To ME, friendship is not about getting what you want at someone else's expense -- ESPECIALLY when they've said NO already!! That is plain, FLAT-OUT VIOLATION!!! (except that "IIIIIIIII didn't VIOLATE YOU" yeah, RIGHT!!!! And IIIIIIIIIIIIII don't breathe AIR!!!! Not!! Anyway it REALLY makes me incredibly angry. And that she wants to put the whole thing off on me, like she didn't even do anything. Anyway, that's that. I do get lost in the fear that maybe i AM just all wrong, and seeing it all crazy. But deep down i have to trust myself enough to believe what i am seeing. I would appreciate input from anyone who has something to say about this. Thanks for listening. -- Jo

I have been through many experiences in my life (I am only 24 right now - but I feel as if I could be 100). My best friend was raped and stabbed to death when we were only 15. May she be blessed and at peace in Gan Eden... I was raped on my 18th birthday. I have also gone through abuse from others who were part of my family and said that they loved me. I hope to use my experiences for good by helping others - I want to minister to women and tell them that their life can be better and that *G-D LOVES YOU!* and that G-d does not - I repeat - DOES NOT! - have to be adored, worshipped or talked about - or e en conceptualized in *male* terms. FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME!! THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH - ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TALK. Shalom!!!! Meg -- Rabbi Megan Weasle -- Visit Me

Having a victim in my family and the feeling of being a victim myself,I started a journey almost three years. I promised to fight for all victims in which I come into contact with,that will accept my help. I will work in the path of helping to inforce any new laws that will keep pretators confined forever.I wi l convince all victims to stand tall and be proud. -- Vickie Campbell- Howell

I have been through abuse and I know what it feels like. Please visit my website for some great links to other abuse help sites-- Brandon Plaufcan -- Visit Me

What is rape? Have you ever been triggered by your own past?I get it every 2 years, lately every 2 to 5 month. It starts with something. Suddenly I have it and I start to tremble... Than it stands before my eye everytime more or less UNCOMPLETE! And I can simply not see whats behind it and start instead to examine my partners and my former relationship. It is quite frightening. But this time it is worse and I dont know what to do anymore. And behind this all stands my father (pa). Pa never showes up doing what he will probabely has done but I only think my partner and I have had done. (no more here) Had you ever had the feeling or heard words comming from ? and bringing you in diffecult feelings? In order to controll a situation I guess I do say things like "he shall not hug me now" But I only say them to myself! The other person than hugs... and I f el forced (I feel like raped). And when making love did you ever think things like "no I dont want that..., that is like rape..." or so just to yourself? Or "like my father did is this, ... lets do thinks pa did .." Why do I think these things??? I have no memory of what pa did. I mean no direkt memory, just these words, pictures which I can not explain. If looking at them, I see my partner having done all these things to me! I also comfuse my pa`s, partner`s and brother`s name. I think e.g. "oh X (my fathers name) is comming home early, oh Y (brother) looks pritty good today" But what really is today I have not mentiond jet. When is something rape? I have been browsing for hours now. But I do not find a chat room or counceler to whom/which I could or have the means to talk jet. I would like to get an response on that immediately. When it starts I feel my blood frozen in my bo y. I feel sound only running by, like a far running traffic. I can not look into my partners eys. I am cold. I die. We made a lot a sex in our earlier days. Playing games I hate now: (I started with these "games") oh help ...I am raped...when he came thro gh the door or in the room or near me. Time came and we started to get more and more sexual. It seemed to be, that the more sex we had, the more righter it would be, it was showen everywhere, in TV, movies, newspapers, even in our own families. Some time started to think "oh I dont like this" or said soft "oh no" or so. When my partner said no so meant this (like seen on TV etc.) he only did say it because he wanted more. We did not listen to each other, I mean really LISTEN. I guess this times I started to get flashbacks, but I can only guess because I did not know what even that means or that it exists!. Today I am different. We are different. But these times (about 22 years old) come back and visit me now regulary. My guess is that if before I not go thru this event which scares me so (partner`s and mine) I can not see whats behind. Why do I not look at ur events? I am scared like hell. I or a part of me felt raped. Worse, I can not remember clearly what my partner and I did, how it was. I see pictures: Hands. Legs. a skirt, a blouse, later I look up and thats the moment where I get scared an triggered. I give you an example: you are about to make love and before the coitus you think right in the moment it starts "no, I dont want that" the next you know is you lay there and think "this is like rape" But y u realize it was what you wanted to do. Or? After a year or so you do not know exactly what and how it was it was to ihhgitt. The feelings... no And you run away. And it comes after me. Every time and every time again. My worst fear is "If this (where) rape what ( ) did, than I ( ) " We talked. Yeas we did. Did not help. Can not get on this event, feelings, nothing. Me guess: Pa blocks my feelings of this event with my partner. And: Event we had blocks feelings and fathers doing. I dont know what to do. I`d never would like to live with an abuser, or someone who raped me. Voice sais " you gata leave him" other voice so it can not have been rape" But what is it? My part sais I felt like raped. I ask what if someone said Yes it was r...? Would I believe it? Would I not questioning "I dont think so, if it had been r... I had left him. Had he really said, done what he did, if it would have been r.. And what about our play. I too did things after he said no I dont like that. Did I force him, rape him? No there is something strange going on" So it goes. For years now. I convince myself that I have to leave him, to kill him, that he is nice, that is was a misunderstanding, and so on. After a while I forget it and it sure comes back in a month, year or two or so. If someone tells me it was a misunderstanding. Will I ever get rid of it? There was this feeling, for the first time (I remember) it was a sexual erosion in combination with the feeling "no" and the thoughts "this is well like rape" . Of course we did not alk about my feelings and thoughts of rape these days. I dont know what to do. I have that fear -what if it was r... - This fear blocks my thinking. As long as pa`s doing is not remembered by me, I can not get rid of this. Even we talk now, and make our p ints clear and pull it out of the dark as good as we can, I can not because I have this fear - what if it was rape - (and I am not thinking in the moment at pa, I think at our event) Maybe you laugh. But I can not. He is nice, had always been thats why I love my partner. But I suspect that what we practized in former days is distroying me and our love when I do not know what is hiding behind this. Thanks for listening - anon

A few months back, I posted a letter saying that I was getting better. But just recently, I discovered that the healing process is an ongoing, sometimes seemingly neverending thing. Yes, I am better, but I now realize that the effects of some triggering a d flooding cannot be gotten over or stopped whenever I want. Although I may never remember everything that happened to me when I was little and being molested by my father, I still have to deal with the flashbacks when they hit me. Fortunately, I have a g od support network-- a loving, understanding husband and a good, honest, spiritual advisor, and a wonderful sponsor to help me survive the worst. I hope everyone who is going through this hell finds one or two good people to help them through all the pain and nightmares and suffering, too. Good luck and God bless you all!!!!! -- SoIThought