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hello my name is Brenda I'm a recovering alcoholic with two children. One 14 and the other 5 both girls. My life to put it bluntly has been a rollercoaster has'nt everyones? The time we all spend here on this planet is up to you and a higher power. For t y will be done not my will be done. I have made my past 5 yrs, miserable for myself and my daughters. Being a lonely alcoholic and raising two kids I made some horrible mistakes. One was marriage to a man when I first started to date him my warning lights in my head went off, the problem is I didnt listen to them I continued to date and marry him. Now I feel he has molested my younger daughter of 5 and my older daughter of 14 is going through counciling for her past physical and mental abuse from her father. After counciling and classes dealing with low self esteem and learning to say no I still let this sicko in my life and didnt realize it till it was to late . I'm so fed up with the judicial system it makes me want to puke!!! And me I cant blame myself b cause I'm sick and evidently need more help I would say for the rest of my life like my daughters . It saddens me to think about it , all I know is I've got to take care of them and myself through counciling and meetings sometimes 3 and 4 times a week lot of running but were worth it. My only bitch is the system in which they call justice. It isnt for the victims it is for the criminals when the govt. said justice is blind they werent kidding anyone. just ask around. I with my first daughter went through he right procedures to put the insane one away for good and it just didnt happen. I had to make a choice to stay and let it happen again and again to the both of us or just take my pell grant money and bolt well that wasnt a hard decision to make the har one was do I go underground with the womens group and take a whole new identity or bolt so far he'd never find us , guess what he did and the hell never quit for another 3 years of judicial bull. in and out of court the judges and lawyers are all good ol boys and don't want to step on any of their buddys toes. what a joke. my x was put into prison for 5 yrs and now he is looking at getting out and guess what he wrote my daughter and she has been going through nightmares, flashbacks etc. my hubby now wants a divorce because he cant handle marriage anymore but i realized after writing my life with him down just how tragic it has been the last 5 yrs. I suspected he was abusing my little one and took precautions and he figured out he was caught and filled for divorce my suspicions were correct. the most screwy thing about this is I've been looking up alot of stuff on abuse and figured out he was abused some how just by his actions. temper, social isolation, loss of motivation, rage, his personal boundaries are confused and our relationship has been so chaotic and conflicted that I never new till all the abuse was done and my little one is the same way. Now this is the strangest dam thing it really hurts me to think i didnt see this sooner , denial ,denial , denial and now the work begins . God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. thanks for being there God bless us all. -- Brenda

Hi everbody, my name is Laura and I have been abused for many many years. I am middle-aged now and gradually going through some sort of healing process to come to terms with everything. I am not yet ready to write down, apart from compiling a letter to 'myself' where I can let go and say all the horrible things that have happened. Reading through the pages, I now do not feel alone any more and admire everybody for their courage.-- Laura

To all those who had the courage to write on this wall and to all those who read but choose not to post, I will think of you throughout the holidays. Be safe.. wishing you some inner-peace in the days ahead. -- FreeToBe

I am 28, I began my healing at 26 I have realized three things that I want to share with everyone looking for the courage to start dealing with the horrible things that have been done to you 1. It's not your fault! Stay away from anyone who says that it is. 2. If it's not your fault, then it doesn't need to be a secret. Talk to people, find someone you trust, I know how difficult that is, and tell them your story. 3. Get professional help, you can't do this on your own. I know, I tried for eleven years.-- Geof

I was physically abused as a child but not sexually abused. The, at age 14, I was gang raped by my cousins and two other guys. I remember feeling that the world just had to end right then because it couldn't possibly contain what was happening. My 21 year old cousin continued to abuse me after that. I was living in his parents' house, and he would come into my room late at night. To this day I can't tell what he did to me. He was very sick. In 1993, I started seeing a therapist. My relationship with him eventually became sexually abusive too, and I remain shattered by the experience. I know I am supposed to think positive thoughts, but when I'm honest with myself I don't think I will. -- Phi

It is Dec. 6th & I am making a million wishes for all the troubled folks who leave messages on this Wall! I have always been financially limited, so most of my Christmas gifts were simple - sometimes homemade! Here is my gift of words for your Christmas lists - Encouragement, Bravery, Strength, Healing, Renewal, Supportive, Caring, Tenacious, and of course, Peace!!! When you are severely abused as a child, in ANY manner, it sets up the whole world as a deadend - abuse destroys your faith and trust in thers, but more saddening, it destroys your faith in yourself. For all you special folks here, find your faith in yourself! Do not listen to the old voices of deceit and degradation, listen to YOUR "inner voice" that tells you what a SURVIVOR you are, h w SPECIAL you are, how IMPORTANT you are!!!!! When you were a child you had NO CHOICE but to "accept" the abuse heaped on you - people took away your choices. NOW YOU CAN CHOOSE TO CREATE the path to your healing - be the strong person who got you throu h ALL the garbage. And speaking of garbage, dump out all the negatives - bag it up, throw it out the back door, leave it for the crows to pick through!!!! Clean out your negatives every time they enter your head. Tell yourself you only have the energy o carry today. Whatever any of you folks have been through, I wish you ALL very special Holidays, filled with tons of healing, lots of hope, bundles of renewed faith, and miles of clear paths ahead for you!!! (If you want to know more about who I am, re d the 11/22 entry for the Wall). And, Oh, Angela & Kate, thanks for the vote of confidence!! A VERY BLESSED CHRISTMAS TO EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!! Ever Onward! Frances Irene, Poet-- Frances Irene

I'm scared. My body hurts. It's bad to say, but I hate being here. On earth, alive. I hate it all. If my parents didn't want me so much I wish they would have never had me. My dad physically abused me through childhood with my brothers and was cruel to my mom. No matter how he hurt me he never hit me with a belt--that's my one young memory of my mother stepping in on a situation. She only did it once and it scared him and he never used that method to hurt me. I've never said this before---even when telling people about the situation it is very difficult to let it go, but here: my older brother touched me in inappropriate ways, he hurt me, he took my clothes off and forced me to do things to him when not wearing clothes. Lots of bad stuff. Painful for me to speak of. He first did that when I was four and I don't remember it stopping until after I was 8 years old. He was not much older than me, but did it because my dad aroused a sexual pervasion in him at a young age, by treating him inappropriately. After I was 8, My dad left us for days to months at a time. Before he used to just leave overnight. He would move away. But he always came back. I never would know when he was to come back but every second of my life I would fear it, because I knew when he came back I was going to be lucky to stay alive. I dreaded nights I would pretend I was asleep hiding under my covers, praying he would never come, but more honestly to myself knowing he would. I am an insomniac to this day because of that fear Sometimes he would be gone for so long I would almost let myself believe he was not coming back ever. But he did. And it was so painful. Life continued, all of us live together now. One of my older brothers has moved out. He is excommunicated from t e family. My family is very strict Catholic so my parents would not ever divorce. I did not hardly mention this abuse to anyone until I was in the summer before ninth grade 9th grade. This was due to my best friend (a male, remarkably I trusted one, so s range). To this day I love him more than anyone him, and two other friends who have drug me over the coals, and never betrayed me, and to my absolute thankfulness have never gotten truly angry with me. Then I got a boyfriend I seriously trusted. I never thought about the sexual abuse until we became really serious. I told him about it after 7 mos of us being together. I did everything for him. Helped him through his dad's death displayed so much love for him. He was one of the first people I truthfully trusted (at the time). This was my 10th grade year. In May I realized something. To keep him as my boyfriend I was going to have to tell him of the sexual abuse or break up with him. We were getting to physically serious and I was uncomfortable. H already knew physical abuse---if he came to touch me to fast, or touch my face I would begin to shake and move back in fear, but I thought we over came that together. So time went on and it turned out that he was going to be gone for the whole month of June. I suggested maybe we ought to break up. (really it was an excuse for me to not have to tell him) Well we stayed together. The first night he came back I could take it no more. I told him as much as I could verbally get out. He was so pissed. I m not good with anger. Especially from men. I was wigging out. I said do you still want me do you still want to be with me? And he said he would have to think about it. He left. The next day he called me and said let's forget about it it was in the past. I said, So was yesterday though. He ignored me. Many times before he expressed that I didn't appreciate my dad enough (I NEVER told him who the sexual abuser was, just that it wasn't my dad) He said I take for granted having a dad. THAT HURT SO M CH. I always wanted to say, you take advantage for having a dad that YOU can remember good things about!! I didn't I can't stand up to men. Not really. They scare me bad when they're angry. We kept going out. On my birthday--the beginning of July h d an excellent day. (16th birthday) He picked me up from my summer class and took me to his house. (that was not good, on the bathroom floor he wanted to make out, etc, he took of his jeans and said---come on you at least have to give me a hand job--hi forcing my hands gave me such bad flashbacks!) That night he took me to a movie. Back at my house he went to far. I told him I didn't want to mess around. (he had my jeans undone) He said fine then I'm going to leave---and he did. We kind of separate after that. Then we basically started seeing other people. I still have not really been on a date (it's December) but he started dating this girl (the DAY AFTER we decided this) that I now find out he's probably been screwing since while we were together. SO time passes more. In the beginning of August I went to his house. He undid my jeans and took off my panties. Numerous times he ate me out, did whatever he wanted, made me give him a blow job and guided my hands. I asked him to quit. seriously. and he had me so wigged out that to right now I cannot get over the flashbacks. I did not see him doing those things, I saw the evil person I used to see my dad and brother turn into. Finally he was about to screw me, and apparently for the first time h really looked at me. He said, you'd better get your clothes on. Did you like that? You don't think you have STD's from this thing that happened a long time ago do you? Those were his comforting words after I went to his father's funeral and was always there for him. And that's my life. And I right now cannot get over it. No one can ever believe that I didn't talk about the abuse to someone. What people don't understand is how quiet I truly am. And how sad. and how lonely. I want to fade away. think my mom knows someone hurt me when I was little (sexually) She found bloodied panties I stuck in the trash, she pulled me by my wrist into the bathroom and said, "YOU CAN'T LIE TO ME ROSE!!! You can't keep things from me!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!!! KNOW EVERYTHING!!!" I was so scared. I always felt like everything that happened to me was punishment. She always told me (and does to this day) that I need to get the hell away from her. I am a spoiled brat and I just need to be punished. Maybe that's how she sleeps at night. But I can't. (Whoever reads this, thanks for letting me tell my story for the first time, sorry it was long)-- Rose

I am an incest survivor, and like the unfortunate number of children who were and continue to be molested, I was betrayed by the father I was raised to trust. He was both physically and verbally abusive to both me and my mother. But, raised as a devout Catholic, and from a country that continues to out-law divorce, my mother was determined to keep our together, even after he went to jail twice for molesting me. At nineteen, I am still dealing with the HATRED and ANGER I've had to suffer with since I was ld enough to realize what was happening. I don't know how old I was when the abuse started, and I have only a few clear memories--where I see myself from outside of my own body. These memories tear at my inner self, but what scares me even more are those memories that I cannot access. Those that were blocked out, I am afraid, are those that are the harshest to deal with. I know how hard it is to realize that what has happened to me, and many of you out there, gives other people the creeps when you finally come up with enough guts to share it with them. And out of this misunderstanding those who have not suffered under the same abuse don't realize the shame they place on us, nor do they recognize how easily they take their untarnished childhood for granted. What keeps me going each day is the realization that I SURVIVED! All of you out there are SURVIVORS--we had the strength to overcome the abuse we were subjected to, and this together makes us a group of STRONGER, more DETERMINED people. We had the COURAGE not to give up, and each day I think to myself, he was the pervert, and his mental malfunction is not going to BRING ME DOWN! I would love to hear from you. :) -- Jerowen

I was sexually abused by my stepfather when I was eight years old for about a year and a half. Until I told my aunt what he did. My mother even walked in on us once and she did nothing. She Would believe him and not me. So that is why we do not talk anymore. It is a very strained relationship that I have with her. All I consider her to be is the women who gave birth to me and that is it. I was so happy when my stepfather died about two years ago. I know it must sound really bad to say that, but it' true and my husband would agree with me. My three kids and husband have made me realize that there is light at the end of that dark tunnel. I went through years of counseling for this and some helped but not as much as talking to the people who loved e the most. Yes I still have night mares about it sometimes, but it is fading. So keep the faith.-- Becky

Thank you for having a place like this where anyone can come to write their story/feelings. Maybe someday I will have what it takes to write my own and use my name. You are remarkable people that you and share as you do. -- noone

When my father died three years ago it all came back, the abuse I have gone through when I was a child. Some time later I discovered some other abuse, only happening three years ago when he was dying in hospital, even the, I was 37 at the time, it wasn't possible to say NO to him. Now I know my sister knew about the about that happened in hospital, he (my father) had told her he was proud of me, he was grateful I did that for him. Now I am angry, sad, I feel lost, I don't know how to go on anymore. But I do go on, I choose my own path to heal so it seems, a path not filled with roses, but a path with a lot of high mountains, a lot of water I have to cross, salty water like my tears I have never cried before. I have to cross rivers, climb mountains, but I do go on, don't ask me why, don't ask me how. I hope all of you find that path to healing, if you don't, maybe I can give you a hand so you can find your way in the dark. I can't say I am always in the light of the day, I often wander in the dark but I can try to let you see some light, I only can t y ... Thanks for listening.-- Nicky -- Visit Me

it all came back to me like a month ago, i had gone to many psychologists cause since my father died when i was five, they all thought that was the cause of my constant depressions, and panic attacks. then it got worse 3 months ago and i went into therapy with a psychoanalyst cause i was suicidal, i didn't understand what was happening with my head , i was so scared and nobody understood me. but i didn't want to live anymore and couldn't even get out of bed. kept having nightmares in which my uncle came up, i woke up and wanting to throw up. i remember. i was 6 or 7 in the bathroom, don't remember for how long, but my doctor suspects for long time, i had it all blocked in my brain. its been hard, i feel so sad, so angry and afraid. my therapy is just beginning, but m glad i know its not me the bad person. although, each day is a hard day, you don't get back all that was taken from you so quickly : confidence, trust, your head, your safe sleep. sometimes i get very crazy , its all so sudden and me and my doctor do exercises so my head learns not to confuse the hands of my boyfriend with that persons hands, my boyfriends forehead with that person head, i have asked him to wear a cap for sometime, i get scared. is stupid? i guess is one day at a time, i try to stay occupied all day long so i wont get so depressed or anxious, i take pills to control my nerves until my therapist comes back , its the beginning i feel very dependant on him to talk. its nice to talk here, i read your stories, is so sad, everything, so many people. i just try to focus sometimes and try not to let him harm me anymore, he already ruin my childhood, my innocence, i dont want to let him ruin my today. you all give me hope. im proud of you. hay que tener valor!!!! -- Priscilla

Don't Quit Before Your Miracles - Anon

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