Mediancat:

-- Let the terrorists know you laugh at their puny fumes by making the universal sign of "you choked!"


-- Note, do not assume this position while actually driving the car. If you can, though, and you're an attractive and intelligent woman between the ages of 24-35, write me at . . .

Rob aka Mediancat

Jimmy Higgins:

Exposure to radiation can lead to massive mutations and sudden growth spurts.

Stephen Maturin:

This is George W. Bush's America! Quit whining about your rights and deal with it, you scruffy, sandal-wearing, tree-hugging, limber-dicked liberal candyasses! Otherwise, exercise your right to GET THE HELL OUT!


"She's the one eye, one eye, one eye
She's the one eye, one eye love"

RufusAtticus:

After the world collapses, be prepared for Swiss doctors to come around and steal your organs.

gravitybow:

Terrorists don't understand American culture. In case you're taken hostage, confuse terrorists by disco dancing to the nearest exit.


Use a time bomb to destroy radioactive flour canisters and sugar bowls.


If you're engulfed in flames, jump out the nearest open window. No one wants to see your smoldering carcass when the elevator doors open.

Mediancat:

--If there isn't a door right next to the elevator, you're screwed.


-- The only fallout shelter will be at the corner of Broadway and Main. In New York City. Live elsewhere? Tough.

-- Rob aka Mediancat

Bloop:

If a small, obnoxious lighthouse is following you around, putting you in the spotlight at inappropriate times, please consider using our latest hand to hand combat weapon from Japan to fight it off



The alternative ending to the last M*A*S*H episode, where Hot Lips and Hawkeye die when a small Medic Aid tent and a hugeass Red Cross sign lands on them, wasn't well received by the test audience

trunks2k:

Welcome to the Millvale School for the gifted

(yeah, yeah I ripped off The Farside)

Bloop:

For your conveniance,in case of Nuclear War, spare parts for your speed boat will also be sold at your local fall-out shelter

Bloop:

Do not feed pretzels or other food items obtained in the White House cafeteria to the animals on display in the Oval Office

Mageth:

For laughs, try rolling a box fan down the stairs of a fallout shelter to scare the hell out of the occupants

Sleeping Dragon:

Looks like the President's been at the pretzels again.


In the event of a terrorist attack, all NBA players should proceed to the nearest hospital.


If you are seeing fish coming out of another dimension, consider the possibility that you have fallen prey to a chemical attack.


Some terrorists are capable of casting the stinking cloud spell.


Only terrorists attempt to hide their faces from the telescreens.

RufusAtticus:

Tonight on TBN

Novowels:

Leave from both exits at once to confuse the enemy.


Just say no to filing cabinets and bookshelves.


Ever seen "Village of the Damned"? Never mind. Just run the fuck away.


A new dance craze is sweeping the nation...


Why yes, painting your crotch orange is a bad idea.


Fuck you, I'm not falling for that shit again.

Oxymoron:

The first effect of a chemical attack is to make your faces fall off

ju'iblex:

terrorists can be easily identified by their unnatural mutant gas-vomiting abilities.


If you dont know its a biohazard by the time they spray your nuts, you can safely say youre screwed.


this is just an example of how to flee a nuclear hazard. In real life, there wont be a large arrow and a large exit sign. I think we can safely say that this will be the largest reason the majority of Americans will be wiped out.


When in doubt, hide behind your youngest child, this will serve as an appropriate body shield.


Now now Jimmy, i thought we had discussed your abnormal attraction to cabinets...


if we all roll around like an idiot, perhaps the terrorists will think us mad and leave...


dead fish and biohazards in general should be pondered carefully, its part of your job. Hopefully, if you think youre an important part of this war you wont notice the government bollocksing up your economy and fleeing to Jamaica.


Having revised the 'duck and cover' plan, we here at the Pentagon believe that shielding your face with one hand will serve you just as effectively. Remember, shield your face and assess the situation, this and enough duct-tape should help you ride this catastrophe out just swell.