livius drusus:

NOBODY expects a Chemical Attack! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and conjunctivitis...conjunctivitis and surprise.... Our two weapons are conjunctivitis and surprise...and the heartbreak of leprosy.... Our three weapons are conjunctivitis, surprise, and the heartbreak of leprosy...and an almost fanatical devotion to Dick Cheney.... Our four...no... Amongst our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise....

I'll come in again.

Mageth:

If a terrorist attack leaves you covered in pink, call the Cat in the Hat.

trunks2k:

Screw duck and cover. Rolling on the floor and crying hysterically is just about all you can do.


Make escaping safely interesting. When right near an exit turn around and try an different exit, prefferebly one at the other side of the building.

Just Another Infidel:

When in trouble or in doubt. Roll in circles, scream and shout.

BigBlue2:

This is what happens when you confuse your mace canister with your aftershave spray. Always read the labels.

godlessmath:

Warning: terrorists may steal faces from family photos.

Mediancat:

--Drugs can help you forget about the national emergency. So stock up!


-- If you are not here, please disregard sign.


--Get off your fat ass and take the stairs every once in a while.

-- Rob aka Mediancat

Stephen Maturin:

Remember - If we give up our computers, tee vees and boom boxes, the terrorists have won.


In the event of an emergency, find the nearest exit door and bitch slap the everluvin' hell out of it. You'll still die a hideous, screaming death, but you might feel better about it.


If pinned beneath a massive pile of heavy objects, do not try to free yourself. The dust that you stir up may choke you to death. You should instead submit to being crushed to death, which is obviously part of God's divine plan for you.

godlessmath:

Be careful when touching the black monolith to signal the next step in your evolution. It might shatter and fall on you.

One of the last sane:

The exit door may amputate your hand if you open it towards you.


Do not transform into a caped superhero while running


While cowering under your desk to avoid falling debris, take time to check you are wearing clean white socks.

Sakpo:

Do your part: even Thing from the Addams Family has taken time out from his busy schedule of scuttling about and changing records to help in the war effort.

Mediancat:

-- If the ceiling collapses, hide under a card table with heavy stuff on it.


-- We didn't start the fire.


-- People in Tennessee should call people in Nevada. Frankly, the rest of you are screwed.

Rob aka Mediancat

Oxidizing Material:

If a terrorist comes to your window, tell him to talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listenin'

Oxymoron:

In case of emergency do not attempt to hide in a doll's house.


An extra change of underwear is essential.

Catseye:

Watch out for giant mutant pointy-headed tapeworms that can climb stairs. They may be working with the terrorists.

Mediancat:

-- A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.


-- Stop at a safe distance from the Texas A&M bonfire.


-- If a giant glowing gateway to another dimension opens nearby and begins sucking birds, fish and signs into it, stand around for a while and watch.

Rob aka Mediancat

braces_for_impact:

In the event you are attacked by bubble gum while stoned, clap your hands to attract attention.

Godless Dave:

While all the other idiots are running back and forth between Nevada and Tenessee, you'll be heading for Minnesota which is too cold and desolate for the terrorists to bother attacking.


Unlike the Amityville Horror, a terrorist warning from the federal government is not a hoax.


Some people find hardcore punk painful, but others enjoy dancing to it.


I've been telling the landlord for months there was a leaking pipe in the ceiling and if he didn't fix it the ceiling would collapse. Did he listen? No! That lazy bastard better not try to take this out of my deposit.


Homemade designer drugs are very dangerous!


Take recreational prescription drugs instead!


Whatever your drug of choice, make sure to wash the residue off your hands, and watch out for that telltale red-eye!

MortalWombat:

In the event of a poison ivy attack, not even Sauron and Saruman are immune.

MortalWombat:

"Mom! Billy stole my last Bazooka Joe and shaved my head again!"