timequotes

Time Quotes

MALVENES: My God, you're right, E.T.! What am I doing wearing these businessman's clothes? I'd better take them off before I turn into a computer. [Removes his jacket] E.T.: [crawls under his desk] Yeah, yeah! Let's make a teepee out of the desk! MALVENES: Let's be Indians! [sounds a war cry] [Bells start ringing in the distance. The Secretary runs in, wearing an ndian headband.] SECRETARY: Far out! Do you hear the bells, E.T.? They're dancing in the street and loving each other, and it's all thanks to you, E.T.! E.T.: Yeah! VYVYAN'S VOICE: Shut up, you bastards!

RICK: Morning, Vyvyan. VYVYAN: Piss off.

RICK: I thought I'd just make some tea. [counts cups, being clever] One cup, two cups, three cups, four cups... [throws a cup away] Oh, no! We've only got four cups, Mike, and we need five! [waits for a response] I said, we need five cups, Mike! MIKE: There's another one in the sink, Rick. RICK: [takes tray to the sink] I expect you're wondering why we need an extra cup, aren't you, Mike? MIKE: No. RICK: [tears open a tea bag, pours the leaves into a pot] Yes, well, you and me, Mike, we're men of the world, aren't we? Vyvyan and Neil wouldn't understand that grown men like us need...well, we need... MIKE: Two cups of tea. RICK: Yes. But no, no. I mean, yes, we need two cups of tea, but we don't drink both of them! MIKE: Oh, no. Exactly. The other one's for Trevor. RICK: Trevor? MIKE: Yeah, you know, Trevor. My friend who lives in the bin. RICK: [points to garbage can] This bin? MIKE: Well, he'd hardly live in a biscuit barrel, now, would he? RICK: Why not? MIKE: It's full of biscuits! [Rick pours sugar into both cups and starts upstairs] Rick! Rick!! RICK: What? What?! MIKE: Trevor's tea. [points to the bin] RICK: Yes, but... MIKE: Trevor's tea! RICK: [hesitates, goes to the bin, talks into it] Hello, Trevor! My name's Rick. Yes, hi. I'm a close friend of Mike's. I was wondering if you fancied a cup of tea this morning. Oh, you don't. Oh. [turns back to Mike] No, he said he's feeling a little bit queasy and he doesn't think he'll bother. MIKE: [laughs] Had you going, Rick, didn't I, eh? RICK: What? MIKE: Talking to an empty bin? RICK: Ah. [laughs] MIKE: On a Sunday morning? [Mike and Rick laugh] There's no one in there. [pause] He's gone to church. RICK: Well, then, I wonder who the extra cup of tea is for? [turns to go upstairs, but runs into Neil, who's coming down. The warm tea splashes on Rick.] Oh! Ah! Oh! Neil deliberately scalded me! I am disfigured for life! I am the Elephant Man!! NEIL: Oh, no, Rick, sorry about that. It's just that there's something really freaky going on... RICK: Lick it up. NEIL: What? RICK: Lick it up, every last drop. Now! NEIL: [bends down] Just hang on a minute. Has it got any sugar in it? RICK: Yes. Yes, a little bit. Yes. NEIL: Well, I can't. Because, like, you know, sugar rots your teeth and gives you brain damage. RICK: Well, you should've thought of that before you came stampeding in here like a long-haired elephant, shouldn't you?! NEIL: You mean, like a mammoth? RICK: Yes! No, look, it doesn't matter! Just get down there and start licking. NEIL: Well, it does matter quite a lot, actually. Cause mammoths aren't long-haired. They're more like woolly. You know, woolly mammoths. RICK: Yes! Yes, and they're extinct. NEIL: Which proves what a bad analogy it was in the first place, because I'm not extinct, am I? RICK: Shut up! Just get down there and start cleaning up this mess! [pushes Neil down] Pig! NEIL: Oh, so I'm a pig now too, am I? RICK: Yes, yes! Now, get licking, Porky! NEIL: [picks cups up, stands] Well, I don't mind being a pig, cause, for your information, pigs are really intelligent, actually. RICK: Oh? NEIL: Yeah, like dolphins. RICK: Oh, so they are, are they? Well, tell me, Neil. Who invented the internal combustion engine? Was it Porky the Pig? No, it was Lincoln Rawls, wasn't it?! And the Theory of Relativity. Was Pythagoras a pig? No, he was a Greek, wasn't he? So tell me, Neil. You're the expert. [grabs the cups] What's the major piggie contribution to civilization? NEIL: Ummm.... [pause, thinking] RICK: It's bacon, isn't it? Bacon and rooling around in the mud. Look out, Michaelangelo, here comes the new piggie Renaissance!

MIKE: Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.

RICK: You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night... NEIL: What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider. RICK: Did I? Well, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds...chicks...tarts...women. Women!

VYVYAN: Oh, God. I think I'm going to be violently and copiously sick. NEIL: Go into, like, really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing. VYVYAN: First, I'm going to bend over and open my mouth. Then I'm going to wretch until the muscles in my ailmentary canal go into spasm... NEIL: No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick! I wanna hear about it, like, blow by blow! RICK: Eh? [laughs, gets the joke] Well, what can I say? Have you got a spare couple of days? NEIL: Yeah. RICK: Well, what can I say? It was amazing. [Mike sticks a microphone in front of Rick, who is too busy making the whole thing up to notice] Pretty amazing, and we did everything. MIKE: [into the mike] Like what? [puts the mike back in Rick's face] RICK: Like everything! At one stage, she even took her bra off! So I took my dungarees off, and...

MIKE: [gets a stare from Helen] I know what you're thinking, baby. And if I was the telly, you'd think I was talking in centimetres.

RICK: Get down and groove! We dance all day in this house! [turns the radio on, but a Gregorian chant is playing] Vyvyan, are you dancing? VYVYAN: You asking? RICK: I'm asking. VYVYAN: Well, piss off!

NEIL: Rick, you bloody liar! You said you done it to her...[to Helen] He said he done it to you! RICK: Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding. VYVYAN: [stands] Ha ha ha ha ha! Rick is still a virgin! RICK: I'm not! I am not a virgin! VYVYAN: Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! RICK: I am not! [pushes Vyvyan, moves away. Vyvyan takes a cup and throws it at Rick, hitting him in the head. Rick throws a bottle, but misses Vyvyan and hits Neil, knocking him out. Vyvyan sits and looks smug. Rick smashes a cabinet over Vyvyan's head. He wipes off his hands and turns the radio on.] That'll teach you to cast aspersions on my sexuality, Vyvyan! Now then, who wants a hard-boiled egg? [Vyvyan stabs Rick in the butt with a fork and stands, chasing him with the cabinet still over his torso] VYVYAN: Virgin! Virgin!! MIKE: I'll have a boiled egg, Rick!

NEIL: Yeah! It was weird. You just seemed to, like, pick up the cup and violently throw it at the radio. HELEN: I am sorry. I really must apologize. MIKE: Oh, don't worry. Neil does it all the time. HELEN: Throws cups? MIKE: No, he apologizes.

RICK: I am not a virgin! I'm not a virgin! All right, all right. All right [Vyvyan stops hitting him], if I'm a virgin, how come I know what a girl's bottom looks like? VYVYAN: [pause] From looking in the mirror. RICK: Damn!

MIKE: Don't worry, Neil. We've worked everything out to the minutest detail. Your angle of trajection, your specific velocity... VYVYAN: Where to bury you. MIKE: Where to bury you. [laughs] No, no, no... VYVYAN: [laughs] No, no, no. MIKE: Only joking, Neil. God bless you. You saw the dummy run with did with a sack of potatoes. NEIL: That wasn't a sack of potatoes, Mike. It was a packet of smash! MIKE: And everyone knows that's better than real potatoes. That's exactly what I mean. VYVYAN: And what's the problem, Neil? The dummy run was a complete success! NEIL: What do you mean? The packet was smashed into 15 million pieces! And every single one of those pieces was smashed into 15 million pieces. And, although at that point I stopped counting, I wouldn't be surprised if... VYVYAN: Exactly, Neil. And you are a totally different size and weight than a packet of smash, so we should be all right. RICK: Please, please, can we get on with it? What's all the fuss about? It's only Neil, for Cliff's sake.

RICK: Oh, no! Vyvyan! No! Please! You were right and I was wrong! I am a virgin! VYVYAN: Not for long, matey.

MIKE: Neil, have you upset the neighbours? NEIL: No, I've blown them up!

NEIL: Oh, no! I'll die if I miss Scooby Doo! VYVYAN: Bloody right, Neil! Everybody panic!

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