Sick Quotes

RICK: Will you stop making that revolting noise, Vyvyan?! You know I'm ill, you're only doing it to make me feel worse!  NEIL: You're ill?! I'm the one who's ill. Listen! [coughs pathetically] Nobody feels worse than me. And your shouting's not helping at all, Rick!  RICK: Oh, stop whining, Neil! God, you're practically brain-dead as it is! I don't see how a pathetic little cold's going to make much difference! You're probably not even ill anyway. You're probably just lying to try and impress us!  NEIL: Oh, yeah?! Well, how come I'm all hot and sweaty then?  RICK: Well, I think most of us would rather not go into that!  VYVYAN: Will you two shut up? I'm trying to be ill! [looks through a pile of used tissues] Oh, God! There's nothing left to wipe my nose on. Even SPG's all covered in snot.  [Vyvyan's hamster is a revolting shade of green]  SPG: Ah, too true.  [Vyvyan rips off the sleeve of his pajamas, blows his nose]  NEIL: Vyvyan, will you shut up?! You're giving me tunnel vision!  RICK: Stop shouting, Neil!  NEIL: Stop shouting yourself!  RICK: I am not shouting!!  NEIL: Yes, you are!!  RICK: I bloody well am not!! If you want to hear shouting, matey, this is it!! [Starts screaming like a two-year old]  VYVYAN: [takes part of his sleeve, sticks it in the top of the vodka bottle] It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easy-going approach to communal living.  [lights the Molotov cocktail, throws it across the hall, where it explodes]  [The wall between Neil and Rick is mostly gone. Vyvyan walks in.]  RICK: Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!  NEIL: Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.  VYVYAN: Why aren't you dead?  RICK: I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.  [takes out paper and pencil]  NEIL: You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.  RICK: Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!  [Mike comes in, carrying a fish]  MIKE: What's this?  VYVYAN: It's a fish, Mike.  MIKE: Oh, thanks. [leaves]  RICK: [writing] Dear Mr. Echo....  VYVYAN: Why'd I do that?  RICK: Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?  VYVYAN: Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants.  RICK: Oh, stop being so blinking bourgousie!   VYVYAN: All right, then. Where's your girlie purse?  MIKE: [knocks, comes back in with the fish] All right, I didn't finish my sentence. I meant to say, what's this fish doing in my bed?  VYVYAN: It's not in your bed, Mike.  MIKE: Oh, yeah. Right. Thanks, Vyv. [leaves]  VYVYAN: [takes Rick's coin purse, removes some money] Ha ha! Found it!  RICK: You put that back! That's my personal property!  NEIL: You just said all property is theft, Rick.  RICK: Well, yes, it is.  VYVYAN: Yeah, so I'm nicking it.  RICK: Stop! Thief! Thief!  NEIL: Thieves rush in where angels fear to tread.  RICK: No, it's fools, Neil. Fools.  NEIL: Thieves rush in where fools fear to tread.  RICK: Yeah! Andy Williams said that!  VYVYAN: Alexander Pope!  RICK: Oh, well, you're a little snob, aren't you, Vyvyan?  VYVYAN: Wimp! Pervert! Knob-end!  RICK: Oh, Vyvyan, what repartee! Sticks and stones my break my bones!  VYVYAN: That's the first sensible thing you've said all day.  [picks up a loose board, crushes Rick over the head with it]  MIKE: [knocks on the door, comes in, empty-handed] OK, so go ahead now. What's this fish doing in my bed?  RICK, VYVYAN, NEIL: [together] What fish?  MIKE: Oh, yeah. Sorry. [leaves]
   
RICK: Vyvyan, you can't do acupuncture with 6-inch nails.
   
RICK: We never clean the toilet, Neil. That's what being a student is all about! No way, Harpic! No way, Dot! All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. One thing's for sure, Neil. When Cliff Richard wrote "Wired for Sound", no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory. He was living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is in your hair!  VYVYAN: Living on Limits? What, are you on a diet?  RICK: No, I live on The Limit, Vyvyan. The Limit. Because I'm a Rider at the Gates of Dawn and I take no prisoners.
    
VYVYAN: Ok, Neil. I am now going to insert the first nail. You may feel a bit of a prick.  NEIL: So what's new?
   
VYVYAN: My brain's exploded! My brain's exploded!!
   
VYVYAN: Neil, if you don't stop sneezing by the time I count three, I'mgoing to cut your bottoms off and ram them up your nose. One...  [Neil sneezes]  ... two...  [Neil sneezes]  ...OK.  [Rick bends Neil over the sofa as Vyvyan gets the knife again]  NEIL: Oh, wow! I wish this wasn't happening to me.  [Mike walks in, makes a phone call]  MIKE: Mario, my usual table for two, 8:30. [hangs up]  VYVYAN: 2.999 recurring.....  RICK: Do it!
  
DAMAGE: Thanks, Doc?! Are you being sar-carstic or something, my son? That's one of my least favorite things, that happens to be. Sar-carsm.  SPG: [watching everything from his seat on top of the fridge] Really. Hah-huh.How incredibly interesting. [sighs]
  
VYVYAN'S MUM: Sorry I didn't knock, but some joker's impaled a head on the front door. Hello, Vyvyan. [pinches Vyvyan's cheek]  VYVYAN: Piss off.  VYVYAN'S MUM: That's no way to talk to your mother, Vyvyan!  VYVYAN: All right, then. Piss off, mum.
   
DAMAGE: Here, excuse me, excuse me. But I'm not actually known for my patience.  RICK: Oh. Oh. Well, you're probably not Dr. Kildare then.
   
RICK: Oh!! Bloody lummy! All right, who's responsible?!  MIKE: I think I'm quite responsible, actually.  NEIL: Yeah, Mike is, yeah.  RICK: Listen, listen! Somebody has got to clean all this muck up, and I can tell you one thing, matey boy, it's not going to be me.  VYVYAN: What does a bit of mess matter? We're all going to be dead in twenty minutes anyway.  DAMAGE: Yeah. [Cocks gun, aims at them]  NEIL: [panics] Oh, no! Oh, wow! Oh, heavy heavy heavy!! Oooooohhh  MIKE: What're you upset for? You've always wanted to die.  NEIL: Who's talking about dying? I just remembered! My parents are coming round to tea!! [Rick and Vyvyan start screaming]
   
NEIL'S MUM: Did you make your bed?  NEIL: No, no, I bought it.  NEIL'S MUM: Exactly.
  
VYVYAN: NO!! No! We're not watching the bloody Good Life!! !! I hate it!! It's so bloody nice! Felicity 'Treacle' Kendall and Richard 'Sugar-Flavored-Snot' Briars!! What do they do now?! Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what!! They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric - and I - HATE - THEM!!  [collapses on the couch, exhuasted]  MIKE: That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.  RICK: Well, you can just shut up, Vyvyan. You can just about bloomin' well shut up! Cause if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendall, you can just about bloomin' well say it to me first!! All right?!  VYVYAN: Rick, I just did.  RICK: Oh! Oh!! You did, did you?! Well, I've got a good mind to give you a ruddy good punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!  NEIL: Yeah, and me! I love her too.  NEIL'S DAD: yes, well, I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendall is sweetly pretty, and just what a real girlie should be. Why, speaking as a feminist myself, I can safely say this: that Felicity Kendall is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.  VYVYAN: [sarcastic] Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!  NEIL'S MUM: Neil! Say something!  NEIL: [quietly, knowing what Vyvyan can do to him] Shut up, Vyvyan, that's my dad you're talking to.
   
POLICEMAN: You trendy students are always giving us a bad name!  VYVYAN: Oh, do you mean like 'Big Jobbies'?
   
RICK: [walking out from the house] A-ha! The timeless wonder of the English countryside.  [goes to Neil, who is hoeing] Good grief, Christine, it'd be pretty bloody super to have a snog in a place like this! What do you think, Neil?  NEIL: I don't feel like it, actually, Rick. I've got a lot of work to do!  RICK: Not with you, you sick pervy. I meant with a pretty bloody super girlie who's on for an amazing bit of rumpo. and how's your father...
   
NEIL: No no no, Rick. You don't understand the timeless wonder of the whole thing. We. Sow the seed! Nature grows the seed. We eat the seed. And then....
   
RICK: Yes! Yes, bury him! Bury him. But it's not a hippie. It's just a garden gnome, that I accidentally cracked.  [A garden gnome is standing aside, watching]  GNOME: What a load of old crap! It's not a gnome! It's a hippie he's just killed. He's just killed a hippie, everybody!!  [Rick kicks it and it shatters]
   
CONSCIENCE: Rick. Rick! This is the voice of your conscience speaking.  RICK: Shut up. Shut up!  CONSCIENCE: Don't tell me to shut up, you spotty little bastard. I'm your conscience. You killed Neil, didn't you?  RICK: No! No! It wasn't me. It was, uh, Vyvyan and Mike, and I'm going to tell on them as well!  CONSCIENCE: They didn't bloody well do it. It was you!  RICK: Oh, God! Whose side are you on?  CONSCIENCE: Not bloody yours, matey!  RICK: Then get out of my head, poo-hole!  CONSCIENCE: Try and make me, farty breath!  VYVYAN: Rick, will you tell your conscience to keep its voice down?! I'm trying to get some sleep!  [Rick is dreaming of a court scene. Vyvyan and Mike are wearing powdered wigs. Vyvyan is the prosecuting attorney, Mike the judge, with Rick off as the accused on one side.]  VYVYAN: Oh, come on, Judge Mike! He's obviously a complete bastard. Let's hang him!  RICK: But I'm the People's Poet! The spokesperson of a generation! Kids everywhere look to me for inspiration!  [A group of girls is watching the proceedings from the balcony]  GIRL: Oh, People's Poet. Don't die! We'll kill ourselves if you do!But first, we're going to take off all our clothes!  [The girls scream and start to strip]  CONSCIENCE: Stop having a wet dream, you little pervy! [wakes Rick up] You're supposed to be racked with remorse!  RICK: I am! I am.  [Gets up, goes downstairs. Kicks a stuffed panda bear sitting in the corner of the stairway.]  Oh, Neil! Neil! Orange peel! If only I could see you again.

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