Cash Quotes
RICK: Vyvyan! You bastard!
MIKE: Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood? RICK: Um, eh...Between my legs. VYVYAN: [Taking the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that. RICK: Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day. VYVYAN: What a revolting thought! MIKE: This calls for a celebration! Vyv, throw another record player on the fire. VYVYAN: Oh, certainly, Michael. [Vyv throws Rick's record player in the fireplace] RICK: You bastard! That's my record player! MIKE: [to Vyv] You said it was your record player. VYVYAN: No, I didn't, Mike, I said "Let's throw Rick's record player on the fire, that'll be good for a laugh."
VYVYAN: Neil, we're not having broken crockery again? That's my recipe! [Mike takes the only chair and sits at the table] NEIL: I don't seem to be able to nail the plates to the table without breaking them. VYVYAN: Neil, Neil, Neil! Nails aren't in the recipe. NEIL: I'm not cooking, Vyvyan, I'm just trying to nail the plates to the table. VYVYAN: Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? What happens when we want to play Monopoly? Go directly to plate? Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie?
RICK: Well I think it's rather important, actually! I happen to be rather attached to my bottom.
VYVYAN: No, no, Neil. 'Cause if you so much as touch my car, I'm going to kill you. Remember?
RICK: Brilliant! Squatting! Youth control, no rent!
NEIL: Guys, guys, guys, I think I've solved our money problem. I'm writing to my bank manager. See what you think. [he reads from his letter] "Dear Bank Manager." MIKE: Yeah? NEIL: Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far, though. MIKE: Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly. VYVYAN: I don't like the "Dear". Sounds a bit too much like, "will you go to bed with me?" NEIL: Well spoken, Vyvyan. What do you think instead? VYVYAN: Uh, what about..."Darling"? [the guys concur] NEIL: [writing] "Darling Bank Manager..." RICK: No, no, no, no, no, not "Bank Manager", it's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put, "Fascist Bullyboy"! NEIL: "Darling Fascist Bullyboy..." MIKE: That's nice, yes, so far so good. So what do you want to say? NEIL: Well, basically, I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that. MIKE: Well, what about, "Give me some more money"? VYVYAN: ..."You bastard!" [the guys murmur their agreement] NEIL: Don't you think that's a bit strong? MIKE: Ah, Neil, people like that respect strength. NEIL: Yeah, you're right. Uh, "Darling Fascist Bullyboy, Give me some more money, you bastard..." Uh... "Love, Neil". VYVYAN: Not "_Love_ Neil"! That sounds far too much like, "Come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine!" NEIL: Yeah, you're right...Uh, what about, "Yours sincerely"? RICK: Oh, come off it, Neil. If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go 'round there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers? NEIL: Oh, look, I know, I know, why not, "Boom Shanka"? MIKE: That's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean? NEIL: It means, "May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman." RICK: Ah-ha! And what makes you think your bank manager's a man? NEIL: Uh...His beard. MIKE: He'll never understand "Boom Shanka", you'll have to write the whole thing out. NEIL: Right, okay, here we go. "Darling Fascist Bullyboy, Give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil." [he looks pleased] RICK: Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.
RICK: Yeah, I'm so hungry I could eat my own ear wax. [to camera] And we all know how horrid that tastes, right, kids? [Rick samples some earwax.]
NEIL: [entering with two plates, which he hands to Mike and Vyv] Right, now here it is, now eat it up quickly, okay? MIKE: What's this? NEIL: Uh...It's risotto, Mike. VYVYAN: It's snow, isn't it, Neil. NEIL: No, it's probably just gone cold, Vyv. VYVYAN: Neil, this is snow! NEIL: No, it's risotto, Vyv! VYVYAN: Look, I know snow when I see it! I should do, it's all I've had to eat for the past three days. NEIL: Well, it's very nourishing, Vyvyan. VYVYAN: Snow, snow, bloody snow! I hate the bloody sight of it! MIKE: [eating greedily] Don't you want yours, then? VYVYAN: Ah-ha! No, I didn't say that, did I, Mike? [Vyv picks at his supper] Oh, God, this is disgusting!
RICK: Alright, what's this..."Join the professionals..." NEIL: "...it's great, you can have a gun if you want." RICK: Uh, well, now, yes, well, now, there's me out, you see. Perforated eardrum. MIKE: Really? Yeah, me too. RICK: Uh...Pardon?
VYVYAN: [nervously] Uh...well, Neil, since you come to mention it, there is something I've been meaning to tell all of you for some time...Uh...I went to see the doctor today...And, well...I think I'm pregnant. MIKE, RICK, and NEIL: What? VYVYAN: I'm going to have a baby! NEIL: That's impossible! VYVYAN: Yeah, that's what she said! You just can't trust women, can you? RICK: But...How did it happen? MIKE: Oh, come on, Rick, how old are you? RICK: Well, that's rather a personal question, isn't it! MIKE: Didn't your mother ever tell you about the birds and the bees? NEIL: Mine did, but I didn't believe her. Well, I mean, what if the bird got stung, like halfway through? Well, I mean there's a big size difference. Ostriches are really big, right...
SPG: Don't tell them you're a pacifist!
POLICE CHIEF: That's right, that's right! Now, you practice going, "CCCCHHHHHH". And if you don't get it right, I kick your head in. NEIL: Fascist!
VYVYAN: You know, I have the most terrible craving for a piece of fried lavatory paper. [Holding his lower back, Vyvyan hobbles over to the bed, which is now in the middle of the kitchen, and lies down] RICK: [warming his hands at the open refrigerator] Well, that's just too bad, Vyvyan, because you finished the last roll last week. [he tentatively approaches Vyvyan] Is there anything I can do for you, Vyvyan? VYVYAN: Uh, yeah! Kill yourself. RICK: [fakes laughter] Ha ha ha! No, I was wondering if you'd thought of a name... [Rick points to himself] for your baby yet. VYVYAN: Shut up or piss off! RICK: [angered at his rejection] Oh, that's very nice... VYVYAN: No, no, those are two names I'm considering. I mean, they'll be very handy in later life, you know, for getting into fights and things. [Vyv's belly starts quivering] Oh! Oh! He's kicking!
NEIL: Open up, it's the pigs!
NEIL: No, listen, Stonehenge...No, listen, everybody, right, listen... Right, listen... Oh, no...Led Zeppelin! Anyway, listen everybody, right, like I don't want to bring the whole evening down or anything, okay, but basically you're all under arrest.
RICK: All right... [Rick sits on the floor and abruptly jumps back up] Oh, God, Neil had bloody well better hurry up with the money! We've got no food, we've got no heat, we've got no lights, and now I've got a whacking splinter up my bottom!
NEIL: Button your lip, chummy!
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