Boring Quotes
VYVYAN: It's quite easy really. All you gotta do is match up six pictures of famous noses with six pictures of famous bogies. [The only reaction to this is Rick examining his own eye jam.] VYVYAN: Thought that'd shock you. Well, it's not true, because then, then you gotta say in ten words "what cornflakes mean to you". So I put: "Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes... cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes." RICK: Pathetic. You'll never win,Vyvyan. VYVYAN: Why not? RICK: It's only nine words. VYVYAN: Oh yeah. "Cornflakes."
RICK: Guys! Guys! Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering! Like children! What's happening to us? We never used to be like this! VYVYAN: Yes we did. MIKE: You know, he's right, Rick, we've always been like this. RICK: Well--yes--I know, but-- But that's just exactly my point! Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us!
RICK: Hey, wouldn't it be a-mazing if all of this money was real? VYVYAN: That is the single most predictable and boring thing that anybody could ever say while playing Monopoly. RICK: Well, what about "Vyvyan"? I could say "Vyvyan", couldn't I? That'd be pretty boring. VYVYAN: "You have won second prize in a beauty contest..." RICK: Ha ha ha! VYVYAN: "...smash Rick over the head with the bank!" [VYVYAN literally follows the instructions on his card.] RICK: It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating! VYVYAN: Mike? MIKE: No, he's right, Rick, that's exactly what it says. RICK: In Biro, Mike, in Biro, over the top of the print! VYVYAN: But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring! RICK: "Congratulations, it is your birthday! You may set fire to Rick's bed!" VYVYAN: Good one! RICK: "Get out of jail free: You may keep this card, sell it, or stick it up Rick's bottom"! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! VYVYAN: I was BORED!
[NEIL is indeed digging a grave. He looks at his spade.] NEIL: You're a spade. I always call him that. From Monopoly to the grave... the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing. I wish I was Magnus Magnusson.
[A knocking at the door is heard.] MIKE: There's someone at the door, Rick. RICK: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan. VYVYAN: There's someone at the door, Neil. NEIL: There's someone at the door, Mike. MIKE: I know! [A pause, then more knocking.] MIKE: There's someone at the door, Rick! RICK: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan! VYVYAN: There's someone at the door, Mike! NEIL: There's someone at the door, Neil! [Neil does a double-take as he realizes what he's said.] MIKE: Well, don't look at me, I'm in Paris. VYVYAN: You haven't left the house all day! MIKE: Vyvyan, you ever heard of cloning? VYVYAN: No! MIKE: Oh, that's good, would you swear to that? VYVYAN: Certainly. If that's what you want. [VYVYAN hops off the sofa and leans over the table at MIKE.] VYVYAN: Big jobs!
BILLY: Got a piece of paper... 'ooever called a taxi, um, they can have the message. RICK: All right, all right. I called the taxi. BILLY: Okay-dokey, Skip! Where'd you want to go? RICK: I don't want to go anywhere! BILLY: Well what the bloody hell'd you call a taxi for then?? I had to come all the way from Brazil for this, you know! They'll stop it out me wages. You know how much a taxi driver earns? I can't even afford to buy new shoe laces! RICK: Well it's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then, isn't it! BILLY: It's a good job I'm wearing Wellingtons! VYVYAN: Look! Why don't you just go away! BILLY: 'Cause I've got a message for ya! VYVYAN: Then give it to us! BILLY: Oh, doesn't he get excited! VYVYAN: Aauggggggh!
NEIL: Hey! Guys! Why don't we... eat? That'd be quite interesting, wouldn't it? Yes! Yes! [He gets up and runs to the kitchen.] NEIL: Yes, eat! Eat! I wonder how many lentils I've ever eaten in my life. VYVYAN: Four. NEIL: No, it must be more than that, Vyv. Lentils are really good, you know? No matter how many times you have them, they never get boring. [The grenade in the pot finally goes off and causes the stove to explode. The three on the sofa turn and stare at NEIL in surprise.] RICK: Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown up our tea! NEIL: We--well, I didn't do it on purpose, Rick! RICK: And we paid for that--fifteen pence, come on, pay up now, fifteen pence. [All three stick out their hands and nod in agreement.] NEIL: Yeah, but--but I haven't collected this week's money yet! RICK: Phu--well that's hardly the point, is it? NEIL: But it was an accident, Rick, I mean, I just looked at it and it blew up, Rick! Well there's still some on the wall, maybe we could save some of it... [He vainly tries to scrape lentils off the wall.] NEIL: ...and get some portions together for supper, then.
VYVYAN: Look, it's all right, lads. I stole some money from Rick's bedroom this morning, so I'll get these.
VYVYAN: Okay, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, ah, a bag of roast ox crisps, and, uh, mine's a Babycham. BARMAID: Hello, Vyvyan. VYVYAN: Oh. Hello, mum. BARMAID: Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know you lived in London. VYVYAN: Yeah, yeah... 'Ow's dad? BARMAID: Oh honestly, Vyvyan, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that. You know I've absolutely no idea who he is! RICK: Well, Vyvyan! You never told us your mother was a bartender! VYVYAN: Well she was a shoplifter when I knew her! NEIL: She doesn't look strong enough. VYVYAN: Eh? NEIL: To lift shops. BARMAID: That'll be twenty-eight pounds fifty, Vyvyan. VYVYAN: I've only got a fiver. [VYVYAN holds out his money; she snatches it and stuffs it into her shirt.] BARMAID: I''ll 'ave the ring and the watch. [She takes VYVYAN's ring and watch as well, also putting those in her shirt. She then brings the tray to their table.] BARMAID: Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends? VYVYAN: Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil... NEIL: Hello. VYVYAN: And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick. RICK: He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends. BARMAID: Ooh-ah. He is a bastard, isn't he? RICK: Tell me, Mrs. Vyvyan... why did you give him a girl's name? [VYVYAN lunges out and pushes RICK into the floor.] BARMAID: Now, dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the last ten years. VYVYAN: Okay, mum! BARMAID: Not you... zitface! Him! [She grabs MIKE and drags him to another table.] MIKE: Hey Vyv! Vyv! [VYVYAN merrily waves him off. NEIL opens his bag of crisps, and the bag explodes.] NEIL: I knew I should have stayed at home.
NEIL: Hey, Vyvyan? Vyvyan? I think you cut off one of your fingers...! RICK: Hey, listen to this! Under the new ruling, all a student needs to qualify for an increased grant is a "nmkl pjkl ftmch," from the local authority. NEIL: What was that, Rick? RICK: A "nmkl pjkl ftmch". Don't you ever read the Guardian, Neil? NEIL: What's a "ftmch"?
RICK: Eh, it doesn't seem to make any sense. It--Neil? Have you just farted? [NEIL looks at his own crotch.] NEIL: No, I don't think so, Rick, no. RICK: Well, there's a horrible farty smell in here, and it's definitely not from my bottom!
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