The Past Master Club

LIST OF GRIPES 4

ROLLER BLADES:
ALL YOU NEED DO IS STAND TALL AND STRAIGHT AND MAKE SMALL 
STEPS, AND YOU WILL JET ABOUT AND GET ABOUT ALL THE SPEED 
THRILLS IT WILL GIVE YOU!

I LIKE EXCERCISING ON ROLLER BLADES, BUT AFTER LAST SUNDAY, 
I CAN NOT ENDORE THEM;  EVEN IF YOU SEE ME ON THEM AGAIN!
- THE PROBLEM IN SHORT: ONCE YOU ARE OVVER THE CENTERLINE 
  OF THE RIGHT LAST ROLLER, YOUR RIGHT FOOT SHOOTS AHEAD 
  LIKE A ROCKET; AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU ARE ON THE 
  GROUND AND THEN YOU BELIEVE IT!
- IT JUST HAPPENS TOO OFTEN!
- THERE ARE MANY SIDEWALK LOCATIONS AROOUND THE GTA 
  AS WELL!

THE BRIDGE ON SPADINA, NEAR THE SKYDOME, HAS NO 
RESISTANCE, SO YOU SIMPLY SLIP DOWN HILL WITH FULL 
  BRAKES ON!
- WINDING ON YOUR ASS AT THE BOTTOM!

BE SURE TO KEEP ONE EYE ON A TELEPHONE POLE TO SAVE 
YOURSELF, IF YOU DO ROLLER BLADE!

ASTRONAUTS: 
LOOK SO MUCH LIKE FROGS DRESSED IN FROGSUITS 
AND NEEDING WEBBED FINGERS, THAT THE FIRST ALIEN, I'M 
SURE, WILL BE MISTAKEN FOR A FROG & THE INTERIOR WILL 
RESEMBLE A FROG POND!
- IF WARTS ARE COUNTED AS METEORITES THHAN THEY SHOULD 
  WORRY THAT THEY MAY BE FROZEN IN SPACE: AS 'FREEZE-ON'!
- ECOLI FOUGHT TO THE NTH DEGREE!
- NASA: THE POLLIWOGS & POND SCUM CAN BBE CLEANED BY 
  'CLEANER FISH'!

THE SPEED OF LIGHT:
- ON REFECTION IT NEVER LEFT: ACCORDINGG TO A. EINSTEIN!
- A PROPONENT OF 'PEERPETUAL MOTION'!
- FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT IS A 22-WAY STREET!
- NO NEED TO LOOK BACKWARDS: YOU WILL BBE THERE SOON 
  ENOUGH!
BUT WHY DOES THE LIGHTBULB STOP OPPERATING!
- A RUNAWAY LIGHTBULB ?
- AN UNEXITING LIGHTBULB!

COTTEREL PRECIPITATOR:
HOW MANY TAKE THE COTTEREL PRECIPITATOR SERIOUSLY 
ENOUGH IN THIS DAY AND AGE OF COMPUTERS! 
IT SHOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO GET A COMPUTER STRIP OF 
32 WIRES, IF NOT 128, TO SUROUND A ROOM WITH A LONG 
MAGNETIC COIL OF 12 VOLTS OR 4 ! 
- SHOULDN'T THERE BE ONE IN EVERY DDONUT SMOKING ROOM!
- WHICH SIDE OF THE GADGET GETS DIRTY AANYWAY: UP OR DOWN!
- IN MY MIND IT IS A 'TRACTOR BEAM'!

CROSSWORDS:
IS A LOT LIKE CHESS IN PERMUTATIONS!
WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD WANT 5 LET ALONE 2 DIFFERENT 
COMPUTER MOVES IN AUTOMATIC CHESS! FOR SURE THE COMPUTER 
PROGRAMMER WOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT EVENTUALLY WHICH 
IS THE "BEST" MOVE, BUT WHO NEEDS THE HASSEL!
AND I REFUTE THAT EVEN THE "BEST" CROSSWORD PUZZLER CAN 
SOLVE A CROSSWORD PUZZLE AT FIRST GO!
- PERHAPS IT SHOULD BE THEIR GOAL IN LIIFE TO JOIN FIDE AND 
  TO DESIGN THE BLUEST OF THE BLUE CHESS COMPUTERS!
- NOW THAT I THINK OF IT THEY PROBABLY  ARE FIDE WITH THEIR
  5 REDICULOUS CROSSWORD DEFINITIONS!

YET CROSSWORDS YOU CAN STILL TAKE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT
BUT CHESS WITH A GRAIN OF WHEAT

FOCUS POINT:
WHAT REALY PUZZLES ME IN THIS DAY AND AGE OF MORFING; 
CLONING; ALIENATING; SIGURNEY WEAVER; STARGATE; OUTER 
LIMITS; LEVITATING; WALKING THRU WALLS; AND INVADING THE 
HUMAN BODY:
WHY HASN'T ANYONE DISCUSSED THE MAGMA PLASMA 
CORONA EFECT AT THE CENTER OF THE TELESCOPE!
- OF COURSE IT IS THE CENTER OF THE UNIIVERSE AND ALL THAT IS 
  REAL & UNREAL; 
- TAKE IT AWAY MR. RASMUNSEN OR ADAM THHE FATHER OF 
  REALITY!
- IT MIGHT BE SMALL, BUT ALL THE CRITERRIA OF MAGMA PLASMA 
  IS THERE! 
- CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL THE MAGNETIC  GRAVITY WAVES JUST 
  SCULPTING THE BODY, MIND AND SOUL WHILE YOU DARE TO 
  ENTER OR LAY IN ANTICIPATION OF THINGS YET TO COME !!!!
- EVEN IF IT IS ONLY ANOTHER CAMEL LOT  OF PARKING LIGHTS!

IS THERE REASON TO DISCUS ANYTHING ON THIS SIDE OF THE 
TELESCOPE LENS OR THE OTHER SIDE; etc. etc.!
- I DONT THINK SO!
- OR THE HUBBLE WOULD HAVE AWED EVERYONNE BY NOW; 
  NOT JUST ITS OWNERS STUCK WITH THE BILL!

- IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT THEY'VE< LOCATED OUR 10NTH PLANET!
- CONGRATS 2002!
- BUT DID YOU DROP YOUR SCRABBLE BOARD!!

GIRLS: 
YOU WOULD PROBABLY THINK WE LOOK LIKE MONKEYS IN 
THE JOHN: LIFTING THE SEAT UP WITH & FLUSHING WITH 
DEXTEROUS SHOES; PIROETING ARROUND TO FALL OR SIT ON THE 
TOILET SEAT; BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO OPEN THE TOILET 
DOOR TO LET US OUT; GETTING THE PANT LEGS RUBBED BY DIRTY 
PORCELIN; etc. etc.!
- MERELY CHANGEING THE SWING OF THE DOOOR TO THE OUTSIDE 
  WOULD CHANGE ALL THIS!
- WOULD YOU NOT LIKE TO GET NUDGED BY AA CLEAN TOILET DOOR 
  INSTEAD!
- FROM THEE OUTSIDE!
- DOES IT TAKES AN ARCHITECHT TO SCULPTT SATAN'S STRAIGHT 
  LINE INTO THE JOHN !!!!!

SOLUABLE SOLUTION:
DID YOU KNOW THAT DETERGENT CAUSES DIRT TO GO INTO A 
SOLUABLE SOLUTION - IN HIGHSCHOOL! THAT IS WHY YOUR LAUNDRY 
WATER LOOKS NICE AND CLEAN AND ALMOST DRINKABLE!
WHY DO YOU GIRLS BATH IN GOOY OIL WHEN YOU COULD BE 
BATHING IN ALL YOUR FUTURE WASHTUB WATER AND SMELLING 
DOWNY SOFT!
- IT'S DIRT THAT OWNS A CLOAKING DEEVICE!
- LOOK HOW HARD IT IS TO LOCATE BIN-LADDEN EVEN AT XMAS 
  TIME!

RATIOS:
AS FAR AS ADAM COVERING HIMSELF UP WITH A LEAF, 
I STILL SAY THAT IT IS 3/1 FOR WOMEN!
- IT WAS PROBABLY IN COLD AUTUMN AND 
  A FLESH COLORED MAPLE LEAF!

DELTA-WING-KITE:
A FEW YEARS AGO I WAS ATTENDING A JUNIOR ROCKET 
LAUNCHING SITE!
-  USING A 12 VOLT CAR BATTERY!
IT WAS VERY WINDY THAT DAY AND SOME OF THE ROCKETS 
  WERE BLOWN CLEAR ACCROSS THE 401 BY THE GALE!
- THE LITTLE ROCKET PARACHUTES ONLY DELLAYED LANDINGS!

ALSO ON THE FIELD WAS A CLEVER YOUNG DELTA-WING-KITE 
SALESMAN WHOSE KITE JUST ABOUT BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER 
WHILE FLAPPING IN THE WIND, AND I WAS SURPRISED THAT IT 
DID NOT BREAK INTO PIECES WHILE HE HAD IT IN THE AIR!
- NOBODY OPENED AN UMBRELLA WHEN IT BEGGAN TO RAIN AND 
  WHEN THEY RAN FOR THEIR CARS TO GO HOME!

ANOTHER TIME I WAS WATCHING ANOTHER DELTA-WING-KITE 
ENTHUSIAST, IN GALE LIKE WINDS, WHEN THE STICK THAT THE 
KITE STRING WAS ATTACHED TO SUDDENLY FLEW OUT OF 
HIS GRASP AND PADDLE-WHEELED ITS WAY ACROSS THE LAKE, 
IT WAS KITE-FLYING OVER!
- THE STRING WAS ATLEAST A MILE LONG, ((5x1000') HE 
  BRAGGED, AND IT DIDN'T LOOK AS IF IT WAS LOOSING HEIGHT!

I FEARFULLY IMAGINED THE WORST: A SAILBOAT PULLED 
OVER AT THE TOP OF THE MAST BY THE KITE STRING; A CUT 
NECK BY TOUT HOT KITE STRING; FISH CLUBBED TO DEATH OR 
BOAT HARPOONED AS THE HANDLE CART-WHEELED ITS WAY 
ACROSS THE LAKE!
- IT HAD TURNED ITSELF INTO A WEAPON!

I HOPED THAT EVERYBODY WITH A CELULAR PHONE WAS 
CALLING THE HARBOUR MARINE PATROL!
- LUCKILY IT WAS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR AA DESTROYER 
PARKED OFFSHORE!
- I COULD IMAGINE THE STRING GETTING TAANGLED UP 
  IN ITS INTRICATE RADAR TOWER AND STOPPING 
  THE SCREEN FROM ROTATING!
- I QUICKLY GOT INTO MY CAR BEFORE MY IIMAGINATION GOT 
  THE BEST OF ME!

SINCE THEN DELTA-WING-KITES FOR A $1 WERE HARDER TO 
FIND IN STORES!
- YOU PARENTS SHOULD BE AWARE OF ITS DAANGER IF YOUR 
  KIDS ARE FLYING ONE!

PHONECODE:!
:)
:D
>:-C
:)=:)
:<
;))))
:| :|
OOOOO
XXXXX
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:D
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\:-/		MALE READER / AUTHOR / BATHER

/:-\		TARZAN / BETWEEN THE VINES / BETWEEN THE LINES
___
{:-)		DEAN MARTIN / PEEPINGTOM / SLAPSTICK

{:-}X- >-|		DEAN MARTIN / PARTYGOER

<|:-}X- >-|	PARTYGOER / HAPPYBIRTHDAY

!		BAT / BATMAN / FOOTPRINT / SOUL

d}:-}((-:}b	MUTT & JEFF / LOU & COSTELLO / HARRY & OLIVER

X_^_|>		POPEYE / SPINACH

__|:>		SWEETPEE / FEATHER IN YOUR CAP / INDIAN

{:)( }		CASPER / THE FRIENDLY GHOST

(:/)( )<		SNOWMAN / CARROT / NOSY

()		QUOTE UNQUOTE / MUSCLES / HERCULES / ABS

ENLISTING:
I WAS SOMEWHAT DISAPOINTED IN G. BUSH FOR NOT VISIBLY 
RECRUITING MORE CANADIANS WHILE IN CANADA, SEPT/02!
- HE MUST HAVE HAD TOO MUCH ON HIS MINDD!
- J. CRETIEN SHOULD HAVE BEEN 1ST ON HIIS LIST!
- FOR THE NUMBER OF CANADIANS IN THE U..S.A., G. BUSH SHOULD 
  FOOT THE ENTIRE BILL TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE IRAQEES!
- ONCE HE SEES DISNEYLAND & ALCOT CENTEER,
   HE WILL NEVER LEAVE!

SCIENCE FICTION MOVIES:
IS THE PLACE FOR PROTOTYPES!
IF EACH GOVERNMENT WERE TO GET INVOLVED, 
I AM SURE THAT THERE WOULD BE AN END TO WORLD WARS!
-  AS WE KNOW IT!
- IT IS PROVOCATIVELY EXPENSIVE!

ENTHROLLED BY A PET PROJECT; 
  TAKING SHAPE AS IT ENTERS REALITY OR THE TRASHCAN!
- AT THE EXPENSE OF ITS VIEWERS: 
  PIX / WORLD OR WARS / COMBATANTS!

MOON:
LAST AUGUST 2002 I SAW THE MAN IN THE MOON 
FOR THE 1ST TIME IN MY LIFE: 2 EYES, NOSE, ETC.!
- IT LOOKED SO NATURAL ALL THE SHADOWS  
  MUST HAVE BEEN JUST RIGHT!
- I MUST HAVE BEEN ASLEEP: BECAUSE I FOORGOT TO SKETCH IT!

SLAVED TO THE COMPUTER?:
THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING THESE DAYS
THE COMPUTER IS GOING TO BECOME PART OF THE BODY!
IT WILL TELL YOU WHERE & WHEN TO GO!
- SOME ELECTRICAL SHOCK IF YOU DONT COMMPLY!

RIGHT NOW I FEEL AS IF I AM SLAVED TO MY COMPUTER, 
BECAUSE IT HAS TOLD ME THAT IT HAS A VIRUS IN 
AND IT SEEMS TO BE COOPERATING SLIGHTLY BETTER 
AFTER THE VIRUS SCAN!
- I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE DOWNLOADED A DAT  FILE FROM ZDNET.NET 
  AFTER THE FIRST WARNING, BUT THE TIME AND EFFORT 
  THAT I HAVE HAD TO PUT INTO MY COMPUTER IS NOT WORTH IT!
- HALF OF MY FILES ARE MISSING HALF OF  IT; 
  I RELOAD CONTINUOUSLY!
- NOT WHEN IT STARTS TO AFFECT CHURCH AATTENDANCE!

JUST THINK YOU COULD BE COMPARING THE PREACHER 
WITH A GLOBAL ONLINE COMPUTER ENCYCLOPEDIA MAKING 
COMMENTS AND DISECTING HIS SERMON INSIDE OUT 
AND BACKWARDS!
- WHILE WEARING YOUR COMPUTER LIKE A PAAIR OF 3D GOGGLES!

REMEMBER:
THOSE WEIRD DAYS OF GENIUS WHEN YOU 
WOULD SEE FANTASTIC PILES OF CARBDOARD BEING 
WISKED AROUND, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, 
FULL OF PURPOSE!
- CARBOARD YACHTS BUT NOT YET MAYFLIES!!

LARGE GARBAGE BAGS FULL OF ALUMINUM POP CANS 
HAULED AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND BEACHES!
- LIKE BUSY CARPENTER ANTS!
- 9/11 MUST BE THE MECCA OF RECYCLED ALLUMINUM,
  THE SCURGE OF ALSHEIMER DECEASE!

GARBAGE TRUCKS WITH CARBOARD ON TOP AND IN 
THE REAR OF THE CAB!
INVALIDS SAVING TONS OF ALUMINUM POP CAN 
FLIP TAGS!
- FOR A MERE DONATION!
- YOU SORT OF WONDERED WERE THINGS WHERRE GOING!

- THOSE ARE PROBABLY IN JAIL NOW OR RETTIRED TO 
  TENT CITY OR PAID SO MUCH THEY CAN CONSENTRATE 
  ON MORE LUCRATIVE IDEAS!!!!!
- OR SUFFERING FROM ALSHEIMER DECEASE!<

RECYCLING:
I STILL BELIEVE THAT AN EMPTY MINE IS THE BEST 
LOCATION FOR GARBAGE AND RECLAMATION IN THE 
FUTURE WHEN THEY ARE DESPARATE FOR 'GARBAGE'!
LIKE A WORM IN A CACOON UNDERGOING A 
METAMORPHOSIS INTO A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY, 
A SYMBOL OF NECESSITY!
- THE GOLD DOOTS ON A MONARCH BUTTERFLY'S CACOON 
  SHOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS EGYPTIAN!
- REMEMBER HOW THE EGYPTIANS CHASED MOSES 
  TO GET BACK SOME 'GARBAGE'!
- MAYBE IT'S A SIGN  OF THE 2ND COMMMING!
- ARE OUR CITY FOREFATHERS EGYPTIANS FOR 
  STARTING THE BLUE BOX!
- WHEN YOU NEED THE ARMED FORCES TO CREEAT A NEW 
  DUMPING SPOT YOU'D BEST BELIEVE THAT THERE IS
  SOMETHING WRONG!

- YUP, SOME SORT OF GARBAGEMEN GLOBAL BBLUEBOX 
  WAR!
- THE SUPER CLEAN WITH BANG-BANG == ALKAIDA 
  OR IS IT 'al-Qaida'; IT'S NOT IN MY ENGLISH 
  DICTIONARY YET!
- IF WOMEN DIDN'T WASH ALL THOSE BOTTLEES AND 
  CANS SO IT WOULD ALL LAND ON THE LAND-FILL 
  A LARGE BLOB OF DIRTY SOAP WOULD BE STOPPED 
  FROM REACHING OUR FAILING FISHERIES!
- HOW HARD IS IT TO PUT EVERYTHING IN TTHE OVEN 
  TO DRY FOR A FEW MINUTES OR A FEW DAYS!
-DO WOMEN WORSHIP INSECTS THAT MUCH!

WHAT IS NEEDED, RIGHT NOW, IS ANOTHER 'MOSES'!

- WHO IS 'MONARCH' OF THE 'DUMP' ANYWAYS!
- ALL EGYPTIAN EYES ON THE PERSON 
  SNEAKING OR SWIPING SOMETHING 
  FROM YOUR GARBAGE PILE!
- IT COULD BE WORTH MILIONS! ! ! ! ! !  

IF 'IRREVERSIBLE-ENTROPY' WAS WORSHIPED, 
AS MUCH AS, 'REVERSIBLE-ENTROPY' 
DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY EINSTEINS 
THERE WOULD BE AROUND!
- IS YOUR KID AN EINSTTEIN!
- IF YOU THOUGHT THAT THE BLUE BOX 
  WAS A COUPON TO CREATE A GENIUS OUT 
  OF YOUR BRAT, THEN STOP WASHING THEM!
- IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE A GENIUS 
  WHY SHOULD YOUR BRAT!

SENSE?:
IF ONE WERE TO MAKE SOME SENSE OUT OF THE NEW YORK'S 
SEPT. 11TH INSANE DISASTER: ONE COULD SAY IT'S SOME SORT 
OF BADGE OF HONOUR AND THAT THE BOY SCOUTS ARE TRYING 
TO GET EVEN WITH THE GOVERNMENT AND THE POLICE FOR THE 
'BLUE BOX' FROM WHICH THEY USED TO GET SOME DONATED 
MONEY,  ON THEIR FANTASTIC PAPER DRIVES!
- CALL 911 ANYONNE!
- WHO NEEDS TO BE BLUE ABOUT A BOX!

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MANY ALUMINUM TABS THERE MIGHT BE 
IN SUCH A VENDOR SUPPLIED ORGINIZATION!
- LET ALONE THE AMOUNT OF 'ALUMINA' TOWWED/SNEAKED 
  AWAY IN 'MINI VANS/TRUNKS' & GARBAGEMEN!

SENSE TODAY 2004?:
UNCLE SAM TEETERING AROUND SUFFERING 
FROM ALZHEIMER DECEASE, RECEIVED FROM 
ALUMINUM, HITTING IRAQ UNTIL SYRIA WON 
HIS AND THE UN'S FOCUS ON WEAPONS OF 
MASS DESTRUCTION!

SENSE TODAY 2008?:
FOR $100.oo YOU CAN GET 16GIG OF MEMORY IN A 
 CAMERA CARD THE SIZE OF A POSTAGE STAMP!
FOR $11.oo YOU CAN GET 2GIG OF MEMORY IN A 
 CAMERA CARD THE SIZE OF A POSTAGE STAMP!
 - MY COMPUTER NOW ONLY HAS 4GIGS!
TO PAY ALL YOUR BILLS YOU CAN USE TELEPHONE 
 BANKING!
A BUSINESS CAN NOW SIGN A PORTABLE LED 
 SCREEN TO PAY THEIR BILLS!