The Past Master Club

LIST OF GRIPES 3

NORTH: WANT TO KNOW WHICH WAY IS NORTH WITHOUT LOOKING FOR THE MOSS ON A TREE! POINT THE HOUR HAND ON YOUR WATCH IN THE DIRECTION OF THE SUN (APPROX) AND SOUTH WILL LIE HALF-WAY BETWEEN THE HOUR HAND AND NOON! - YOU LLAMAS WILL HAVE TO PRACTICE A LITTLE!

AREA: CAN NOT FIGURE OUT THE AREA ON YOUR MAP OR PROPERTY DEED! WHIP OUT YOUR SWISS BLADE WITH LONG AND SHORT BLADES AT OPPOSITE ENDS! FOLD IT INTO A LONG RIGHT ANGLE SHAPE AND START THE SHORT BLADE AT A CORNER OF THE UNKNOWN AREA! MARK THE LOCATION OF THE LONG BLADE; AND CAREFULLY GUIDE THE SMALL BLADE ALONG THE PERIMETER WHILE ALLOWING THE LONG BLADE TO GLIDE (BUT NOT SLIP) OVER THE PAPER! MARK THE DISTANCE BETWEEN START AND STOP OF THE LONG BLADE AND COMPARE WITH A KNOWN AREA ON THE MAP; IT SHOULD BE A DIRECT FRACTION OF IT! TRY IT OUT WITH A SQUARED OUT SHEET OF GRAPHICS PAPER IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE ME! HONEST! WHAT YOU HAVE IS A CHEAP PLANIMETER THAT USES e^{^x}!!

TTC: NO WONDER THE TTC IS IN THE HOLE: THEY SEEM MORE GEARED TO GET THE AMERIKANSKI 2 DOLLAR (LOONY) THAN A LEAGAL FARE! BUT I DONT REMEMBER THEM THANKING ANY OF THE TOURISTS! - BUT THEN, I DONT REMEMBER THANKING ANNY OF MY TAXI FARES EITHER! THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE WHO REMEMBER A FARE-CHECK ALONG QUEEN STREET AND I REMEMBER 2; BUT THEN I USE IT A LOT! IT SURE IS NICE THAT THEY SEEM TO TRUST EVERY 'JOHN DICK AND HARRY"! - BUT IS IT AT OUR EXPENSE! - HOW COME THEY CAN'T GET A KICK OUT OF MAKING THEIR PRESENCE FELT! - ARE THEY SCARRED OF LOOKING LIKE BLACK PETES! BUT THE MOST DISLIKEABLE THING ABOUT THE TTC IS THAT YOU HAVE TO ASK POLIITELY FOR YOUR TRANSFER OR NOT GET ONE! - THIS SOME TIMES MEANT RESETTING THE TIME TABS OR WORSE YET GETTING A TRACT OUT OF HIS BAG! - BUT IT BEHOVES ME TO SEE TOURISTS (THE VERY RICH?) SKIPPING THE STUPID TRANSFER AND LOOKING AS IF THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE A TAXI IF ANYONE NOTICED THEIR STUPIDITY OR CLEVERNESS!!!!! WHAT MAKES ME REALLY LAUGH IS NOT BEING PICKED UP ON THIS SIDE OF THE STREET AND WITNESSING THE SAME THING HAPPENING TO OTHERS IN SIMILAR SIRCUMSTANCES; BUT THEN ALMOST SLIDDING OUT OF MY SEAT WHEN A DRIVER PICKS UP AN AGGRESSIVE INDIVIDUAL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET! I SECRETLY HOPE A 007 FILLS OUT THEIR INCOMETAX AND ESTIMATES THE MAXIMUM DISCREPENCIES ON HIS TAX FORM! - IF ONLY THE WASTED HOURS: SEPARATING THE AMERIKANSKI FROM CANUK CHANGE! - THE INCENTIVES TO VISIT DISNEYLAND: TO TURN IN THEIR COINS! - JUST A FEW OF THE CORKS COULD BOB A 007 BACK INTO TOP NOTCH HEALTH! - I ONLY WISH THAT SOME OF THE HAPPENINGS COULD'T BE EXPLAINED AWAY AS PAYOLA! ROCKET! - SURE ONCE YOU GET ON! - SOME WAITS COST 20 MIN. STANDING UP! - 1 NORMAL ROUND TRIP CAN COST 420 ALMOST EQUALS AN HR.!

JOKE IN DOCTORS OFFICE: OH! FOR A PROBLEM LIKE THAT YOU SHOULD GO AND SEE A PSY- CHIATRIST! THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT ARE TRAINED FOR THAT SORT OF THING! PATIENT QUIPS BACK, "BUT THATS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY VOLUNTEERS JUMPING INTO FOX HOLES THESE DAYS!" WHAT WOULD WE DO, WITHOUT THOSE FILLING THEIR STOCKINGS! THEY SURE DONT SEEM TO MAKE THE GRID LOOK LIKE THE PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE! - I'M NOT THAT NOSY! IF PSYCHIATRISTS DIE FROM CURIOSITY; WHY ARE THE ONES IN FOX HOLES DYING, FROM THE LACK OF IT AGAINST THE "BIN LADENS"; "G DAFFYS"; "DAM JAN JIKS"; etc.^{^etc.}! I WOULD HATE TO ASK WHAT THEIR NAMES ARE OR SHOULD BE! - THEIR PARENTS SHOULD HAVE INFORMED THHEM OF THE "ENIGMA" AROUND THE NEXT CORNER!
IT'S A GOOD THING CATS HAVE 9 LIVES: BECAUSE THEY ARE 'CURIOSOES' AND THEY REACH THE 'NEWS' AS WELL! 'HAVING SAID THAT': I HOPE PSYCHIATRISTS CAN EXTRACT THEMSELVES LONG ENOUGHT FROM THEIR CURIOSITY TO WRAP UP A FEW LOONYS! - YOU CAN NOT LIVE ON BREAD ALONE AND PUT OUT 18 HRS OF PERFORMANS!
ANY TIME I HEAR FAT; CANCER; SMOKE; LOGGING; I THINK OF DARWIN! HAS HE EVER DONE ANYTHING THAT A CAVEMAN HAS NOT! - OR WAS HE TOO BUSY SEEING THINGS THEIIR WAY! - AND THOSE UNMENTIONABLES MUST BE THE MODERN "NEO" ELITE OF SOCIETY WHO NEVER CRACKED OPEN HIS ENCYCLOPEDIA! - WHAT A LACK OF CURIOSITY! - IS ANYONE GOING TO EXPLAIN A PLECEBO TO THEM - DID DARWIN SAY THAT SMOKING CAUSES CAANCER! - DID DARWIN SAY THAT FAT IS BAD FOR YOOU!

BEYOND PLUTO: AS LONG AS THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A TENTH PLANET PAST PLUTO, I WILL BE WILLING TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS ANOTHER PLANET IN OUR ORBIT DIRECTLY OPPOSITE US FROM AND BEHIND THE SUN! - HOW MANY PHOTOS ARE THERE OF THAT LOCCATION ANYWAY!
AND WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE VISIBLE! IT COULD BE A PURE GLOBE OF WATER OR ECOLI OR A GIANT ZEPLIN OF PURE CARBON DIOXIDE OR PURE OXYGEN OR FREON OR NITROGEN OR BETTER YET OZONE! - ARE WE POLUTION FREE!! OUR ENTIRE ORBIT COULD BE STREAKED WITH THE GASSEOUS GLOBULES BEHIND EARTH AS WE LEAVE A TAIL; AND RUN INTO FROM INFRONT CAUSING OUR HOLE IN THE SKY AT THE SOUTH POLE! THANK HEAVENS SANTA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I THINK IT IS APPROPRIATE TO 'GO FOR IT' IN SPACE WITH A VACUUM CLEANER - NOT JUST TO SIT ON/IN IT; EXCUSE THE PUN! - HAVE I FOUND ANOTHER REASON; WHY LIGHT BENDS IN SPACE! - WHO WOULD BELIEVE A ZEPLIN OF A CARBON MONOXIDE CLOUD KILLED THE DINOSAURS!!

RERUNS: THERE MUST BE AT LEAST 3000 PHYSICS EXPERIMENTS IN THE COLLEGE LAB MANUAL, WHICH WOULD MAKE IT 1 EXPERIMENT A DAY WITHOUT A RERUN FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS! - MAYBE WE FORGOT TO PAY AN APPLE A DAYY FOR THIS TREATMENT! - I CAN ONLY REMEMBER 3 TO 5 OF THESE BBEING SHOWN TO ME IN A LAB OR VCR DEMO! - THE AIR PUCK! - SAWDUST WAVE GENERATOR! - THE LEVITRON TRAIN! - FRICTIONLESS PULLEYS! - SUPER CONDUCTORS!

SLIP PLANES: PATENTS ONLY LAST TEN YEARS AND THEN, THAT PART IS 'OVER'! YOU CAN'T TELL THIS FROM THOSE OLD CLUNCKERS WITH CHROME ON EVERY AXEL AND ROD (MENTIONED IN #6); OR IN THE 2ND-HAND LOT; OR WHEN YOUR INSPECTION AND CHECKUP BILLS RUN TOO HIGH. - BUT IN THIS DAY & AGE OF THE SST YOU KNOW WHY THEY'RE FALLING OUT OF THE SKY (FRENCH'S CONCORDE)! - IS 'IT' THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEEN EGG OR JUST MISSING CHROME LAID ON THE SST. - THEE ENTIRE PATENT SHOULD BE REPLACEDD IN 10 YEARS! - MAYBE THE SST IS SUFFERING FROM CHROMMELESSNESS! - ALL YOU CHROMIES OUT THERE SHOULD WRIITE THE PRESIDENT A LETTER OF COMPLAINT! I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY INSIST THAT THEY USE TITANIUM ! - IT MIGHT EVEN BE 'LIGHTER'! I CAN'T IMAGINE THE BOSS WEARING A SLIP SO IT MIGHT BE A WOMEN'S WORLD AFTER ALL!

IQ / DREAMS: GIVEN ENOUGH TIME; A MONKEY COULD TYPE OUT ALL THE WORKS OF SHAKESPEAR! WHO COULD CARE: THEY COULD WRITE IT OUT BACKWARDS - NOBODY IS GOING TO GIVE IT A TEN THAT WOULD COUNT! BUT THEY SHOULD WARN THE MONKEYS (ESP. 'PINKY') THAT SOMEONE IS INTERESTED IN SENDING THEM TYPEWRITERS! - THERE IS NO END TO SHEAPER EMPLOYMENTT SOLUTIONS!! - INSTEAD OF PAYING THE 'JUDGE'; BILL GGATES MIGHT HAVE SENT THE MONKEYS ALL HIS COMPUTERS TO GAIN A MORE RELISTIC COMPETITOR ! MACBETH: HAD A DREAM 'PERCHANCE TO DREAM'; BUT THEY SEEM MORE LIKE NIGHTMARES AS OPHELIA, HORATIO, ETC. DIE AROUND HIM! - NIGHTMARES ARE NOT REALITY, TO ANY STTRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION! A PSYCHIATRIST COULD SAY 'I HAD THOUSANDS OF NIGHTMARES TONIGHT'AND STILL BE UNABLE TO RECALL EVEN ONE OF THEM! - THEY WERE PROBABLY ALL IN ITALIAN! - WHY MENTION ONE DREAM WHEN YOU'VE HAD SO MANY NIGHTMARES OR WHY MENTION ONE DREAM WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER MOST OF YOUR DREAMS, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY! NOTE: perchance = 1/1,000,000,000? IT SHOULD BE CLEAR THAT YOU 'HAVE TO' CREATE THE ENVIRONMENTS, BEFORE YOU CAN HAVE A DREAM ABOUT IT! - BUT NIGHTMARES ARE SOMETHING OF AN ENIGMA; THEY COULD BE HANGING AROUND THE NEXT CORNER! - AND LIFE, AFTER ALL, IS A FORK IN THE ROAD: LEFT OR RIGHT; YOUR DECISSION DEPENDS ON THE NUMBER OF LIFE'S BUILDING BLOCKS THAT YOU HAVE TRUSTED, WORSHIPPED AND CREATED! IN YOUR DREAMS; HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT YOUR FEET! - TO SEE IF YOU'RE WEARING SHOES OR IF YOU ARE FLOATING FROM POINT 'A' TO POINT 'B'! - MAYBE YOU ARE A FLYING ANGLE! - HAVE YOU FELT MORE IMPORTANT THAN A MIRAGE! - THIS FLOATING AROUND IS ALL GOOD FOR A PREACHING ANGEL, BUT SOMETHING ELSE FOR LORDS AND GODS! - UNLIKE A DREAM; ONE ONLY WORKS AS HARD AS THE HEALTHY PIECE OF MEAT ON ONE'S DINNER TABLE; BUT IF A WILD INSANE CANNIBAL HAS THE A BIGGER SIZED PIECE OF MEAT ON HIS TABLE DOES THAT EQUATE TO A RAISE IN WAGES! - THE NATIONAL DEBT HAS TO BE AJUSTED ACORDINGLY! 'HAVING SAID THAT': IT TAKES A TIGHT-KNIT-GROUP & SOCIETY & WARS & LEGAL-BUILDING-BLOCKS & etc. TO SAY, "I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE!"! - IT TOOK 1/3 OF A BILLION OF SACRIFICED HEROES TO CONVINCE 'HITLER' OF THAT! - IF YOU HAD 24 PEOPLE IN YOUR DREAM YOUR MEMORY WOULD BE 'FULL'AND MOST LIKELY YOU'RE HOLDING A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR 2 PEOPLE! AGAIN 'HAVING SAID THAT': UFO MOVIES ARE THE MOST LEGAL; SINCE, YOU'RE EXPECTING MILLIONS OF ALIENS MORE! VISIONS EXCLUDED!

DARWIN: MENTION EVOLUTION AND DARWIN POPS UP ON EVERYBODY'S LIPS! ACCORDING TO DARWIN THE BODY KNEW WHERE IT WAS GOING ALL BY ITS LONESOME: FROM PRIMATE TO BEARDED PROMAGNON MAN TO THE IDEAL SMOOTHY, BEARDLESS MAN! BUT DARWIN SEEMS TO HAVE A LOT OF MENTORS: MENTION FAT AND YOU KNOW THAT NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH IT UNLES YOU DO A LOT OF RUNNING AROUND AND ACT LIKE A DOG IN THE COUNTRY; MENTION SMOKING AND YOU KNOW THAT IT MEANS STEP OUTSIDE! OR WEAR A NICOTINE PATCH! WHERE IS DARWIN WHEN YOU NEED HIM: WHY DIDN'T HE THINK OF THOSE THINGS AND EXPLAIN THEM AWAY! AND YOU SHOULD SEE THE SIZE OF ALL OF HIS VOLUMES - A VERITABLE ENCYCLOPEDIA!

I FEEL SORRY FOR PROFESSORS: DIPLOMAS SHOULD COME WITH PERFORATIONS DOWN THE CENTER LINE: THAT WAY LIFE WOULD BE MUCH EASIER FOR THEM WHEN THEY RIP UP THE DIPLOMAS OF ALL THE FLUNKED UNIVERCITY STUDENTS! - THEY COULD BE COMPARED TO POSTAGE STAMPS! - PROF! GET A NEW LIFE AND START TAPPING THE PERFORATIONS WAY!! AND IF THE FLUNKIES WANT TO CALL THEM PRICKS FOR DOING SO; THEY CAN ALWAYS QUIP BACK: "A LEFT AND RIGHT TIT MAKE 2!" THERE CERTAINLY WOULD NOT BE ANY ROOM FOR A GENUINE STAPLE!!! - ie. 2+2=4 OR 22=4 OR 2 WRONGS MAKE ARIGHT. AND MAYBE THEN, THE PRICE FOR DIPLOMAS WILL COME DOWN! - FROM $25.oo EACH ! - THEY DID PAY THE SAME AMOUNT TO ENTER THE CLASSROOM!

FARMERS: GET GREEN SUBSIDIZED GAS FROM THE GOVERNMENT FOR FREE! ON THE SAME NOTE: DOCTORS SHOULD BE GIVING OUT FREE PILLS WITH STRONG ODORS ON THEM! ALSO, DOCTORS' MEDICATIONS IN THE OFFICE SHOULD HAVE A STRONG ODOR ABOUT THEM; AS WELL, SO WE DONT BECOME THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE CITY AS YOU FORGETFULLY GO ABOUT YOUR USUAL BUSINESS! AND DOCTORS AND NURSES WILL BE DISCOURAGED IN STEALING THEM; JUST LIKE THE FARMERS!

CREDIT CARDS: I HAVE LOST THREE CREDIT CARDS THIS WAY:
I WAS LATE ON THE LAST PAYMENT OF MY CREDIT CARD!
I HAD A COLD AND WAS QUITE BORED WITH A SWOLLEN NOSE!
THE 'BANKS' SENT ME 4 EACH OF THE FOLLOWING:
FIRE INSURANCE
LIFE INSURANCE
MORTGAGE PAPERS
CAR INSURANCE
DOCTOR PLAN
DENTAL PLAN
REGULAR BANK FLIERS
etc.^{^etc.}!
IF MY BILLED ENVELOPE ONLY HAD THE WORD 'BILL' ON THE OUTSIDE OR PAINTED RED I WOULD STILL HAVE MY CREDIT CARDS! - WAS SATAN CALLED BILL! - DO YOU LIKE BEING CALLED ON THE CARPET TO SNIP YOUR CARD . . . IN TWO! - DOES IT "EVER" COST THE BANK TO PHONE OR MAIL A WARNING!

ROACHES: SINCE ROACHES ARE 'NATIVE' TO TORONTO, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO 'STUDY' THEM SINCE 1972! THEY'RE QUITE INTELLIGENT IN SPEED AND CAMOUFLAGE; AND FEEL THAT THE ARMY SHOULD TAKE A FEW HINTS FROM THEM: HIDE ON A DARK SPOT ON THE FLOOR IN THE WASH ROOM; BE A MOTION DETECTOR; SPOT FOR EACH OTHER; DON'T MOVE UNTIL SPOTTED; MOVE LIKE BLAZES WHEN SPOTTED; MILK EACH OTHER; EAT EACH OTHER TO SURVIVE; LIVE BEHIND THE WALL WHERE EVER THERE IS A HOLE; LEAVE THE AREA OR FOOD THAT TERMINATED ANOTHER ROACH; HIDE BEHIND A SHEET TAPED TO THE WALL AND MAKE LOTS OF NOISE; JUMP ON WET BREAD REGARDLESS OF CONSEQUENCES! - IT'S ALMOST LIKE LIVING IN A FOX HOLE WITH RUNNING WATER!
ROACHES REMIND ME OF TANKS: TO INCREASE THEIR SPEED I WOULD INSERT A GIANT RUBBER WHEEL (CROSS SECTION A 'TEE') BETWEEN ITS TRACKS; MAYBE IT WILL EVEN FLOAT AND NOT NEED A BRIDGE; THE HIGHER OFF THE GROUND THE BETTER THE VIEW; MORE TURRETS COULD BE ATTACHED ALONG THE WHEEL'S RIM; THE TUBE COULD HOLD MORE FUEL FOR AN INCINERATOR; ITS HEIGHT WILL BE ABLE TO STOP ENEMY MISCILES AND AMMO! - IS THERE A LIMIT TO HEIGHT; GOD IS IN THE AIR! - IF THEY SHOOT THE TIRE(S) FROM UNDER YOU THEN YOUR STILL A TANK, LEAVING A FIRE PUDDLE WHICH CAN BE SEEN FOR MILES AND LIGHT UP THE SKY, WITH THE LIFE OF A CAT! - REMIND YOU OF A CATAMARAN OR A TAMPAX! - DEAD RATS AND LIVE ROACHES AND SNAKES ARE QUITE SMELLY!
GRAVITY ENGINES: I ENJOY THE LEXX'S DRAGONFLY AS FAR AS GRAVITATIONAL ENGINES ARE CONCERNED! IT IS EASY TO IMAGINE ROTATING PLUTONIAN MOONS INSIDE ITS IMMENSE EYEBALLS: CREATING TENSION INSIDE THE EYES AND BETWEEN THE EYES AS ROTATING DUMBELLS OF ENERGY - JUST LIKE GOVERNORS! - THE WINGS COULD BE SOLAR CELLS! - THE TAIL COULD BE A DEACCELERATOR WITH A MASS ACCELERATOR, FOR MISCILES AND COLUMBIAS! - THE TAIL COULD BE POINTED IN ANY DIRECTION! - THE FEET COULD HOLD AN INVISABLE RADAR ANTENNA OR CLOAKING DEVICE! - THE TAIL/TALE COULD HAVE 'Y' POTENTIAL IF IT IS NOT FOLDED UP ALREADY! - THE SCALE HOWEVER IS STILL TO BE SEEN AS 'AWESOME'!

MATHEMATICS: NOTHING IS PARALLEL IN MATH; BECAUSE ALL LINES COME TO A POINT! - THE DISTANCE TO THIS POINT IS UNKNOWNN! ON TOP OF THIS: SPACE LOOKS LIKE A SADDLE! - HOW HARD IS IT TO MEASURE A SADDLE! IT'S A GOOD THING THAT MATH HAS A POINT! MATH SHOULD BE CONVERTED TO A NEW NUMBERING SYSTEM, AS FOLLOWS: PI=3.141592653589793 ~ 70.44880 WOULD BE WRITTEN AS: PI=X (Y,THETA) =3+.1415927(2 DEGREES 47 MINUTES 0.2305 SECONDS)%ERR=-2.0707E-16 =3+.141593 (7 DEGREES 36 MINUTES 15.7432 SECONDS)%ERR=8.2827E-17 =3+.1416 (35DEGREES 1 MINUTE 6.3619 SECONDS)%ERR=1.4495E-16 UNTIL POINTS TURN INTO SQUARES OR CUBES REPLACE SPHERES MATH WILL ALWAYS BE FULL OF IMAGINARY POINTS! OPTICAL ILLUSIONS OWN MATH SINCE IT REPRESENTS AN 'OVER-ALIGNMENT' OF LINES TO PLEASE THE EYEBALL INSTEAD OF BEING UNIQUE IN 3D'! PARALLEL LINES MEETING AT A POINT IS AN EYEBALL PLEASER AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REALITY! IF YOU DRAFTSMAN ARE HAVING A PROBLEM IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE TRAINED TO DRAW OPTICAL ILLUSION POINTS! A SQUARE CAN EASILY BE FILLED BY A COIL GIVING WHOLE NUMBERS TO ANY IMAGINARY POINT BY DESCRIBING IT AS: LENGTH + ROTATION OF COIL = X+CTHEATA AND WHAT ABOUT THE POINTS ON THE COIL OUTSIDE THE SQUARE! - THEY MUST DEFINE THE 4TH OR 5TH DIMENNSION! - A CRESENT CUBBY HOLE OR CLOSET THAT MIGHT DEFINE THE 'VAN ALLEN BELT'! - MAKING US A 'CUBE' PLANET! - I'LL LAY ODDS THAT THESE EXTERIOR POIINTS ARE MORE EASILY DEFINED OR PLEASING THAN THE ONES INSIDE THE SQUARE! CAN YOU IMAGINE THE MOON FORCING THE VAN-ALLEN TO SQUEEZE THE EARTH LIKE AN ORANGE INTO THE 5TH DIMENSION! - LEAVING BEHIND AN EVEN BIGGER COMET-HALEY!

RECYCLING: IF THE RECYCLING EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT IN THE YEAR 3000 OR SO PEOPLE WILL BE BEGGING FOR OUR GARBAGE; THEN WHY NOT GIFT WRAP THE STUFF AND STACK IT ALL UP: INSIDE EVERY MINE SHAFT IN THE WORLD AND BE DONE WITH IT! - WHILE WE CAN STILL AFFORD TO DO THIS! - FOR SURE WE CANNOT DO THIS IN THE YEAR 3000! THEY CAN UNWRAP IT WHEN THE TIME COMES AND MAKE A PRETTY PENNY OR TWO! IF YOU HAVE TO BE A CHEMIST TO BELIEVE IN IT, THAN PEOPLE SHOULD BE AWARE OF IT! JUST BECAUSE 'PAPER RECYCLING' WAS STARTED BY THE BOYSCOUTS AND RECIEVED LOTS OF DONATIONS DOES NOT MEAN THAT REALITY WILL PAY FOR GARBAGE! - CAN YOU IMMAGINE HOW MANY ANGRY BOYSCOUTS THERE MIGHT BE! - ALL OF IT MIGHT EVEN HAVE BEEN THROWN AWAY OR SOLD AS THEIR OWN GARBAGE; NOT THINKING THAT SOME DAY, THEY WOULD BE FORCED TO BUY IT! ON THAT NOTE: IT TOOK 2+ TRUCKS TO MOVE THE GARBAGE AND IF THE GARBAGE GETS PICKED UP AGAIN FOR A DONATION THEN IT TOOK 4+ TRUCKS; ANY REPEAT WILL TURN IT INTO A 'NOOFY' DEAL! - WHO WANTS THEIR PRODUCT TO BE DEGRADED ANYWAY! - 60 % OF THE POPULACE ARE IMAGINARY RICH: LIVING THE LIFE OF THE "FILTHY RICH"; BUT STILL WORK FOR A LIVING! - I DOUBT THAT THEY WOULD WANT ANY 2ND. HAND STUFF IN THEIR HOUSE OR ON THEIR "ESTATE"! - AREN'T THE SAME COMPANIES WHO ARE EXPECTED TO BE THE BIGGEST BUYERS CLOSING DOWN IF NOT LAYING OFF MOST OF THEIR LABOR FORCE! - DO YOU STILL THINK THAT THIS IS WHAT THE SAVINGS IN GARBAGE IS WORTH! - FOR SURE IT WILL KEEP PRICES DOWN WHEN THE 'GARBAGE' IS UNWRAPPED IN 3000!

CALENDAR: I HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT THE WIERD WEATHER THAT WE ARE HAVING FOR SEVERAL YEARS AND BELIEVE IT IS AT LEAST 1 MONTH BEHIND IF NOT 2! TO MAKE UP FOR THE DIFFERENCE OUR CITY ELDERS & THE 'UN' SHOULD ADD 1 OR 2 EXTRA DAYS TO OUR MONTH FOR A YEAR! - THEN MAYBE, WE WILL HAVE A WHITE CHRIISTMAS AND APRIL SHOWERS AGAIN - NOT VICE VERSA! - AND I DON'T BELIEVE THIS BULL ABOUT ''THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT' UNLESS IT IS ONE WITH A GIANT HOLE IN IT; WITH SPACE-AGE-ICICLES (THE COLUMBIA OR UFO OR SEAGULL-POO OR SOME OTHER RARE GAS) DRIPPING THRU!

FOODS:
2 DOZEN DEVILLED EGGS: 12 HARD-COOKED EGGS, PEELED 12 1/4 CUP REAL OR LIGHT MAYONNAISE 50 ML 2 TSP DIJONNAISE CREAMY MUSTARD 10 ML PINC OF SALT & PEPPER 2 TBSP FRESH MINCED CHIVES & PARSELEY 30ML PINCH DRIED TARRAGON PINCH GARLIC POWDER 12 CHERRY TOMATOE WEDGES CUT BOILED EGGS IN HALF LENGTHWISE. REMOVE YOLKS. WITH FORK, MASH YOLKS; ADD MAYONNAISE, DIJONNAISE, SALT AND PEPPER. TO THE STUFFING, ADD CHIVES, PARSELEY, TARRAGON AND GARLIC. REFILL WHITES WITH MIXTURE. GARNISH WITH CHERRY TOMATOE WEDGES. USE WITHIN 3 DAYS. - WANT A NEW FLAVOR TRY JAM WITH RELISHH ON A DEVILED EGG.
BOILED EGGS: AFTER BOILING YOUR EGGS PLACE THEM IN THE FREEZER UNTIL THEY'RE FROZEN THEN TAKE THEM OUT; PEEL THEM WITH EASE AND PLACE IN WARM WATER; THEY'RE READY TO EAT!
BAKED SWEET POTATO: BUTTER THEM HOT WITH OLIVE OIL, AN ONION AND PEPPER 'RELISH'. SERVE WITH COOL SOUR CREAM AND CHIVES.
PEAR JUICE: {:-D) >--| OPEN A LARGE CAN OF PEARS AND EMPTY INTO A LARGE GLASS EWER AND COVER WITH SWEETENED WATER. YOU'LL HAVE PEAR JUICE AS LONG AS YOU DON'T REMOVE THE PEARS. - ADD CINNAMON FOR A NEW FLAVOR!
APPETIZER <{:-)>==> '^o>--|
WRAP A SLICE OF WHITE CHEESE AROUND A WIENER!
ADD A SLICE OF WHITE CHEESE TO SOUP!
PLACE A SLICED CHEESE AND WEINER OR PICKLE ON A CRACKER WITH A TOOTHPICK!
SIMPLY PUT MAPLE SYROP ON YOUR POPPY BUN!
SIMPLY PUT MAPLE SYROP IN YOUR COTTAGE CHEESE AND USE AS A COOL SANDWICH DIP TO REPLACE ICE CREAM!
PUT FRENCH FRIES IN YOUR SOUP!
PUT PEANUTBUTTER BETWEEN 2 CRACKERS STORE AND THEN EAT WITH JAM!
PUT FROZEN JAM BETWEEN 2 CRACKERS!
DIP PLAIN BREAD OR BUN IN CHICKEN SOUP STOCK!
DIP 3 CRACKERS IN CHICKEN SOUP STOCK!
CRUMBLE SOME CRACKERS IN CHICKEN SOUP STOCK FOR A NEW FLAVOR!
PUT A LAYER OF CRACKERS ON SOUP, BEFORE YOU PUT IT INTO THE FREEZER FOR LEFTOVERS!
DELICIOUS TENDER CHICKEN: WASH THE PIECES IN SALT WATER FOR AN HALF HOUR OR SO.
BOTTLE OF TEA: TAKE A LARGE BOTTLE OF POP AND INSERT A ROUND TEA BAG, ADD SOME SUGAR TO TASTE, FILL WITH WATER, AND LEAVE NEAR A HOT STOVE! - VOILA! - SUCK THE BAGS OUT WHEN TOO MANY OR PUULL THEM OUT WITH A SMALL TEASPOON! - ADD ADE OR FRESHIE FOR ANOTHER FLAVORR!
POT OF SOUP OR HOT SALAD: 3/4 POT: CHICKEN STOCK. 1 HANDFUL: OF 1/4 ELBOW PASTA. 3 SPOONS: OF RICE. 3 SPOONS: CUT OR WAX BEANS. 1 WHOLE: PEELED ONION, CUT IN 2. SOME: CHILI PEPPERS TO TASTE. SOME: CELERY SEEDS. SOME: DRIED CHIVES. OPTIONAL: A SPRINKLE OF CHEESE. OPTIONAL: ADD SUGAR FOR ANOTHER FLAVOR. OPTIONAL: 2 SPOONS FETTUCCINE ALFREDO. - VOILA! WARNING: DO NOT INSERT WHOLE ONION IN YOUR MOUTH ELSE ITS GUTS WILL SQUIRT INTO YOUR THROUGHT!!!!!
AIDS: REMEDIES; CURES; ADICTIONS; HOBBIES:
TRY SUPER GLUE ON YOUR COLD SORE, BUT BE CAREFUL IT HAS A STRONG ODOR AND YOUR FINGERS MIGHT GET GLUED TOGETHER!
TRY TINY BLEACH DROPS ON YOUR RED PIMPLES OR ACNE, BUT DONT GET ANY IN YOUR HAIR OR YOU WILL BE PERMANENTLY A YELLOW BLOND!
TRY WEARING A TURTTLE NECK SCARF IF YOU CATCH COLDS EASILY! - EVEN TO BED!
TRY ADDING YOUR NEO-CITRON OR OTHER POWDERS TO YOUR FRESHIE WHEN YOU HAVE A COLD - OR TRY ECHINACEA!
IF YOUR PLACE IS NOISY: TURN ON YOUR FANS OR AIRCONDITIONER AND PLACE IT NEAR THE NOISES AND REGAIN YOUR COOL!
FEEL SICK OR BELIEVE THAT YOU SWOLLOWED SOME POISON, THEN SWOLLOW A LOT OF MUSTARD; IT WILL NUTRALIZE THE POISON AND MAKE YOU FEEL A BIT MORE COMFORTABLE BEFORE SEEING YOUR DOCTOR! - OR TRY SOME GINSENG AND FEEL YOUNGER AS WELL!
ARE YOU FRYING SOME LARGE MUSHROOMS AND GOT SOME SPATTER IN YOUR EYES OR BOILING SOME SOUP THAN SQUIRT SOME ALOE CREAM IN YOUR EYES OR ON THE SORE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! - IT IS A BURN REMEDY!
ONCE YOU HAVE FOUND AN EDGE, OR A DOOR EDGE, TO CALL YOUR RUBBING POST, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A RUBBING POST! - NO MORE A LITTLE LOWER OR A LITTLE LEEFT! - JUST PRESS THOSE BACKBONES BACK IN LIINE WITH SHEER PLEASURE! - JUST LIKE A MEOWING CAT!
<ALT>SCROLL-MOUSE IS A NEAT WAY TO MAGNIFY YOUR TEXT!
THINK YOU HAVE ATHELETE'S FOOT THEN IT'S TIME TO USE DUTCH CLEANSER TO CLEAN YOUR BATHTUB OR SHOWER STALL!
TIRED OF YOUR NAIL CLIPPER CUTTING YOUR HIDE; USE A WIRE CUTTER! - IT IS EASIER ON YOUR PINKY TOO!
NEED A PLASTIC BAG: WIND THE BOTTOM OF A GROCERY BAG THROUGH FREEZER DOOR HANDLE AND PASS IT THROUGH ITS LOOP!
NEED EXCERCISE: TRY ACTING LIKE A MONKEY ON STRINGS! - WORKS BETTER THAN VOODOO!
FLOSS: YOUR TEETH TO MAKE THEM LAST LONGER!
BURNED YOUR POTS AND PANS BLACK: TRY THIS NIFTY SOLUTION: SOAK IN WATER OVERNIGHT AND SCOOP THE FILTH OUT WITH YOUR FINGERS IN THE MORNING! - IT IS THAT EASY! - BETTER YET TURN YOUR BURNER OFF, BEFOORE YOU WALK AWAY: THERE IS STILL A LOT OF HEAT IN THE PAN AND BURNER TO FINISH THE JOB!
KEYS: WITH LOTS OF KEY RINGS YOU CAN JOIN ALL YOUR KEYS SO THAT THEY LINE UP WITH YOUR KEYHOLE WHEN YOU DANGLE THE TOP KEY! - LET EACH ALTERNATE KEY POINT IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION SO THEY DONT GET IN THE WAY! - NO MORE GROPING IN THE DARK!
BOILING FASTER: IF YOU WANT WATER TO BOIL FASTER, THEN SIMPLY LEAVE A FORK AT THE BOTTOM! - H₂O IS NOT A GOOD CONDUCTOOR OF HEAT!
LIKE TO FEEL CONSTIPATED: EAT YOUR POTATOES IN CHUNKS IF NOT WHOLE!
YOUR EGGS ARE TOO HARD TO PEEL: FREEZE THEM 1ST AND THE SHELL ALMOST DROPS OFF!
HAVING A HARD TIME IN THE JOHN: WEAR A BELT JUST ABOVE YOUR TUMMY!
TRYING TO POUR RICE INTO A BAG: CUT OUT THE BODY OF A PLASTIC 7UP BOTTLE AND INSERT INTO BAG TO SUPPORT THE SIDES WHILE YOU ARE POURING!

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