The Past Master Club

LIST OF GRIPES 1

ERRORS:
ONCE A TEXTBOOK MISTAKE HAS BEEN FOUND IN A BOOK IT SHOULD BE 
  TAKEN OUT OF CIRCULATION AND ALL THE LIBRARIES.

'(T NIL)' WOULD TAKE A LOT OF (IF NOT EVERY) 'LISP' AND 'AUTOLISP' 
  BOOKS OUT OF CIRCULATION BECAUSE THE AUTHORS FORGOT TO 
  INCLUDE IT IN ALL THEIR '(COND......(T NIL))'s.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THE NUMBER OF OMISSIONS IN SCHOOL 
  TEXT BOOKS! 
- IT'S NO WONDER THAT TEACHERS ARE  REQUIRED WITH ALL THEIR UPDATES!
- ARE PUBLISHERS THAT CONFUSED AT PASSIING SCHOOL/UNIVERSITY 
  TEXT BOOKS!
- OR ARE THEY MONOPOLISTS ON OMISSIONS  & UPDATES
- I BELIEVE THAT COLES' NOTES IS A  GIANT EXAMPLE!

I HAVE READ 4 VERY EXPENSIVE COLLEGE BOOKS ON 3D ANIMATION 
  THAT MADE VERY LITTLE SENSE, BUT I FINALLY MANAGED TO CREATE 
  A 40 PAGE BROCHURE ON ANIMATION!
- IF SOMEONE HADN'T SAID THAT "CLICKINGG THIS MENU LINE WILL 
  PRODUCE THIS EFFECT!", AND IF IT HADN'T LED TO ANOTHER MENU
  THAT SEEMED TO BE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION; I WOULD NOT HAVE 
  BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH THE TASK!

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I READ A QBASIC BOOK FOR $5 (ON SALE) 
  WITH DISKETTE; THAT MADE TOTAL SENSE TO ME AND PRODUCED A LOT
  OF MY PROGRAMS AND I CONVERTED ALL MY GWBASIC PROGRAMS TO IT!
- BUT AGAIN THE STAY RESIDENT 'TSR' WASS BEYOND MY GRASP OR 
  I DIDN' FEEL THAT TRANSLATION WOULD BE A BENEFIT!

PROTEGES:
HOW MANY STUDENTS HAVE PASSED COLLEGE AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN!
- ARE THESE FIT PEOPLE TO WORK FOR!
- A SUCKER A DAY KEEPS YOU IN THE PAY!
THE WORD PROTEGE ISN'T LAUGHED AT BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT TO BE 
YOUR BOSS!
- KIDS WHO HAVE DEFIED CURFEW AND SLEEPP TO GET EVEN WITH A YOUNGE 
BULLY, BUT FORGOT THEIR PARENTS ARE IN ON IT.
- HAVE AN ALL-DAY SUCKER IN YOUR BACK PPOCKET TO PLEASE THE BOSS!
- SKIP A YEAR AND YOU'VE SKIPPED ALLL THOSE TEACHERS AS WELL!
- I DON'T KNOW WHY I SPENT A YEAR+  IN HOSPITALS AND GET LOTS OF 
'LAST RIGHTS' TO GET OVER CHILDHOOD DESEASES!
- THE HOSPITALS WERE SO COLD MY BODY CAAN NOLONGER UNDERSTAND 
BODY TEMPERATURE!

CRETE:
CONCERNING MICHAEL VENTRI'S
'LINEAR B' TRANSLATION OF THE
CRETIAN CLAY TABLETS:
WHEN EVER ANYONE WRITES A
LETTER HE INDENTS THE FIRST
LINE AND TRIES TO SHRINK THE
LAST LINE IN ORDER TO GET IT
ALL ON ONE SHEET, I DON'T
THINK THE PEOPLE OF ANCIENT
CRETE WERE ANY DIFFERENT (A
LITTLE MORE OBVIOUS IN CLAY).
ON THIS PREMISE HE TRANSLATED
HIS LIST OF BROKEN JUNK
UPSIDEDOWN. UPSIDEDOWN, IT
SEEMS TO TRANSLATE AS A FAMILY
HERATAGE OF THREE GENERATIONS
AND PROBABLY A NOBLE FAMILY
TREE OR A CAREFULL FAMILY 
PLANNING MESSAGE
- TODAY'S PLAYBOY PERHAPS.


3D:
AS LONG AS THERE IS MOTION IN A FILM REEL EVERY OTHER FRAME OR SO 
  WILL HAVE 3D POTENTIAL.
- AS LONG AS HORIZONTAL POINTS ARE CONCCURENT IN 2 VIEWS THERE IS 
  3D POTENTIAL, ELSE IT IS FALLING OR RISING OR BEING ERATIC.
  SECURITY MONITORS WOULD BE SMART TO TAKE 2 PICTURES AT THE SAME 
  TIME AT 2 DIFFERENT ANGLES GIVING A 3D VIEW & A BETTER COMPOSITE PIX!
- THE CAMERA COULD BE VIBRATED HORIZONTTALY WHILE TAKING EACH PIX!
  IF A POINT OR OBJECT IN ONE VIEW IS NOT IN THE OTHER VIEW 
  (NON CONCURRENT) IT WILL LOOK SILVERY GRAY
- AN EASY WAY TO SPOT A COMET OR AN ERRROR IN THE 2 3D VIEWS!

CARTOONS:
IS A GREAT WAY TO HIDE PEOPLE: THE ARTISTS DRAWING; THE 
VOICES DUBBED-IN IN EVERY FOREIGN COUNTRY THAT IT'S SHOWN 
ACROSS THE WORLD!
IT MAKES YOU FEEL THAT THE '007' RACE REALY KNOW WHAT THEY 
ARE DOING AND GETTING THEIR MESSAGES ACROSS THE BORDER!
- YOU CAN KEEP 'GADGET' AFTER THEY STARRTED TO SHOW KIDS LIVE!
- I FEEL SORRY FOR THE RARE FEW WHO AREE EASILY RECOGNIZED 
  AND FORCED BACK INTO THE MOVIE KINGDOM LIKE THE 'GENIE': 
  ROBIN WILLIAMS, ETC.!

FLU / DIRHEA:
IF YOU SEE HOW FAMOUS FLU VACCINES AND HENS EGGS ARE YOU'D WONDER 
WHY PEOPLE ARENT EATING BOILED EGG-YOLKS FULL TIME!
- ANYONE FOR SOLID SULFER!
- ARMY MEN ARE ALWAYS HEADING FOR, AND  BY, SOME FORM OF SULFUR!
- AND I DON'T MEAN BREAKFAST!

SOMETHING VERY RARE FOR AN ELEMENT IS THAT:
EVERYONE OF THE FORMS OF SULFER CAN BE FOUND IN ITS NATURAL FORM 
IN NATURE: PLASTIC, ROCK, POWDER, GAS, LIQUID, FOOD, ETC.!

LONGEVITY:
ONE TIME I HAD A GOLDFISH IN MY FISHTANK; 
IT WOULD NEARLY JUMP OUT OF THE TANK AND SPRINT 
WHEN GIVEN MINI COLORED SPIRAL PASTA
- THE STUFF NEVER HITS THE BOTTOM OF THHE TANK; 
MY FISH SUCKED THEM RIGHT IN AS THEY HIT THE WATER!

I THOUGHT I'D INVENTED A NEW TYPE OF FOOD UNTIL I FOUND OUT THAT 
FISH CAN'T ASSIMILATE PASTA AND THAT IT WOULD SOON DIE! 
- MY FISH WAS A SUICIDAL MANIAC!
SORROWFULLY I WAITED UNTIL I FOUND IT FLOATING ON THE SURFACE 
OF MY TANK.
FEELING VERY SORRY FOR IT AND FOR MY SILLY MISTAKE I GINGERLY 
PLACED IT IN ONE OF MY TREASURED DRINKING CUPS (TAIL UP) AND 
PLACED IT IN THE EGG TRAY AREA OF MY FRIDGE.
THE NEXT DAY WHEN I LOOKED IN ON IT, THINKING OF GETTING IT 
TO A TAXIDERMIST, ITS TAIL WAS MOVING AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT 
IT LIVED FOR ANOTHER MONTH.
AFTER THIS EPISODE I BELIEVED SHIPS ESP. OCEAN LINERS ETC. 
SHOULD BE BANNED FROM CARRYING PASTA AND ANY OF ITS FORMS.

SNAILS:
IF YOU'VE EVER OWNED A LARGE SNAIL IN YOUR FISHTANK THEN YOU 
KNOW THAT THEY'RE AS AGILE AS MONKIES AND SCALE UP YOUR TANK 
AND INTO AND UNDER THE LIGHT HOOD TO LAY A SOLID GIANT LOG OF EGGS
- WHERE DID ALL THAT MASS COME FROM?
DOES THIS IMPOSSIBLITY LEAD TO NIGHTMARES:
COULD IT GET COOPERATION FROM A BAT AND FLY ARROUND WITH IT
- MY FISHTANK HAD TO GO AFTER THAT.
ONE TIME ITS LONG BREATHING TUBE SIMPLY SPLIT UP INTO A SHEET, 
I THOUGHT THEN, THAT IT WAS SEEING ITS LAST DAYS
- BUT THAT WASN'T WHY AND I STILL TTHINK THAT IT WAS WAVING ITS 
PILOT DIPLOMA ARROUND!
- TODAY, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN WAVING A WHHITE FLAG!

SPIDERS:
I FEEL ARE THE MOST CLEVER OF ALL ANIMALS, PERHAPS EVEN MAN!
THEY'RE UNDERWATER DIVERS AND PARASHUTISTS; THEIR WEB IS STRONGER 
THAN STEEL; THEY CAN BE FOUND WHEREVER MAN HAS BEEN; THEY'RE 
UNDER A LOT OF TELESCOPES & MICROSCOPES INVESTIGATED BY GENIUSES.
- MAYBY SOMETHING RUBS OFF ON SPIDERS!

CAN YOU IMAGINE THIS: 
A SPIDER CONVINCING A CAPTURED FLY THAT IT COULD BECOME:
AN ACE LIKE THE 'RED BARON' OR A SUBMRINE CAPTAIN LIKE 'CAPTAIN NEMO'!

UNCONSCIOUSLY WE'VE NAMED A LOT OF THINGS AFTER A SPIDER!
NASA HASNT REPORTED ANY UPSIDE DOWN SPIDERS IN SPACE, 
BUT THEN THEY DO COME IN TINY SIZES.
PERHAPS WE'RE JUST BEGINING TO SEE INTO THE MAGIC OF CABLES BY 
HARNESSING MASSES TOGETHER INTO GRAVITY MOTORS.
THE MOON COULD BE HARNESSED TO AN HURICANE BY UN UPSIDEDOWN KITE 
OR SPIDER WEB WITH CABLE AND/OR IT COULD BE USED TO CHANGE THE 
WEATHER WITH ITS SWOOP!
- IMAGINE SPACE JUNK HEADING FOR THE MOOON ON IT!
IF THE KITE IS LARGE ENOUGH IT COULD SUPPORT A 'CITIES IN
FLIGHT' WITH GYROS TO KEEP IT BALLANCED AND ONE MIGHT BE DRINKING 
A BEER IN A HOTEL INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT ALL THE AIRPLANE 
MALFUNCTIONS AND MALADIES, WHILE TRAVELING FROM ONE CONTINENT 
TO ANOTHER!
- COULD THE SPIDER BE THE ROSETTA STONEE OF THE UNIVERSE!
- WHAT KITER WASN'T IMPRESSED BY THHAT WHITE SPIDERY KITE LINE JUST 
HANGING THERE AND DISAPPEARING INTO THE BRIGHTLY LIT BLUE 
SUMMER SKY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THIS:
A SPIDER REUNION RIGHT IN THE EYE OF A HURICANE ON TOP OF ITS UNITED 
WEBS IN FLIGHT, LIVING OFF OF THE FAT OF THE LAND!
 - NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, SURFING THE WEB WAS STARTED BY SPIDERS!
 - A REAL GAB FEST!

MAYBE SCIENCE SHOULD EMPLOY SPIDERS AND CYCLONES TO REPAIR OUR
OZONE LAYER!
IF YOU BELIEVE IN CLAUSES (CLAWS) THERE IS A LOT ON A BAT TO 
REMIND YOU OF A SPIDER WEB!
 - WAIT TILL THE WEB HAS A SONIC BEEP FOR ITS USERS!
 - HAS THE SPIDER EVOLVED INTO A BAT DARWIN?
 - MAYBE VIRUSES SHOULD BE GIVEN BAT NAMES TO RELOCATE
THEIR CLAWS AND WEBS!

Y2K <> 2Ys:
2: SYMBOL FOR PRAYING; 
Y: LOGICAL DECISION POINT!
2Y: TOO WISE, GENIUS, PROTEGE!
2K: TWO QUOTES, 2-K9S!
ALL YOU NEED IS MY PERPETUAL CALENDER TO GET THE RIGHT DATE!

FUN LAND
IF YOU'VE SPENT AS MUCH MONEY AS I HAVE AT 'QIX' OR 3D STEREO
RACING THEN YOU KNOW WHICH COMPUTER IS LEADING AND WHICH ONE IS 
PULLING THE WOOL OVER EVERYBODY'S EYES AND STILL OWNS THE 
COMPUTER AND THE KIDS!
I AM SURE THAT ITS GRAPHICS CAN BE FAR SUPERIOR TO EVEN A TV SYSTEM!
 - THEY DONT HAVE TO YET!

THE COMPUTER WAS BORN WITH 4 INPUT KEYS; NOT AN ATTACHED KEYBOARD!
 - THE KEYBOARD SHOULD BE LISTED AS A NATIONAL DEBT BY NOW AS A 
SYMBOL OF MISSMANAGEMENT IF NOT COST PROHIBITIVENESS!
 - YOU CANNOT HAVE A TYPING SPEED CONTEST UNLESS YOU CREAT A 
DICTATION KEY SET!

WHO NEEDS A VIRUS LET ALONE ONE IN YOUR CONPUTER!
THESE VIRUSES (PEOPLE) WHO ARE IN JAIL MOST LIKELY ARE PATSIES 
(PARTNERS) TO THE FLAWS INHERENT INSIDE THE COMPUTER OR SIMPLY 
LIKED THE NIFTY SUBROUTINES AVAILABLE IN ANY COMPUTER AND ARE 
SIMPLY TAKING DOWNORDERS, FOR THE COMPANY THAT THEY CAME FROM; 
 - INCASE THEY MAKE A NATIONAL BOOBOO - FOR A KING'S RANSOM!
- IF ONLY THEY KNEW THEM ALL; THEY'D STILL BE WORKING FOR THEM!
UTILITIES:
GAS IS THIN IN SUMMER AND DENSE IN WINTER; WATER IS DENSER IN 
WINTER THAN IN SUMMER.
IF THESE TWO UTILITY BILLS WERE ADDED UP THEY WOULD PROBABLY
EVEN-OUT PAYMENTS!
- ALONE THEY LOOK LIKE HAPHAZZARD BILLSS THAT NOBODY IS GOING TO 
CONDEMN, BUT THEY DO GET PAID OR YOU GET CUT OFF!
MORE GAS IN THE WINTER; LESS IN SUMMER AND MORE WATER TO DRINK 
IN THE SUMMER; LESS WATER IN WINTER TO BREAK YOUR WATERPIPES.
IMAGINE ALL THE FREE GAS WELLS OPEN TO THE AIR BURNED OFF TO 
MAINTAIN PRESSURE AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE PAYS THE SAME RATE!
- DO THEY GET PAYED FOR THIS BURNOFF!
IMAGINE LIVING NEAR AN INDUSTRIAL CENTRE LIKE STELCO 
AND GET GAS AT 1000 TIMES THE PRESSURE!
- YOU'D BE ABLE TO HEAT A LARGE HOTTEL FOR THE SAME PRICE AS A HOUSE!
CAN YOU IMAGINE ANYONE LIVING NEAR HIGH VOLTAGE LINES AND 
STATIONS GETTING ELECTRICITY FOR NOTHING FROM THE CORONA EFFECTS!
- ANYONE FOR BRUSHCUTS!
IF ALL UTILITY BILLS WERE PAYED TOGETHER UNDER ONE UTILITY I'M 
SURE NOBODY WOULD BE SUFFERING FROM THE UNIQUENESS OF THE SYSTEM!
- WOULDN'T THAT BE FAIRER IF THEY GGOT A NET, THEY DO GET PAID!.
NOW YOU HAVE A SEESAW TYPE OF BILL THAT IS A MATHEMATICAL 
NIGHTMARE, THAT IS SUPPOSSEDLY EVENED OUT AT THE END OF THE YEAR, 
AFTER PROFESIONAL ESTIMATING!
- NOT WITH MY MONTHLY ALLOWANCE!
TAKE THE LIGHT BULB OUT OF YOUR FREEZER FOR 1 OR 2 BILLS AND NOTE 
THE SAVINGS:
THE ALUMINUM DISK METER ONLY MEASURES ACCELERATION AND THAT 
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ALL DAY LONG AND AT NIGHT TOO.
IS THERE ACELERATION IN YOUR INFRA-RED-OVEN?
- TURN IT ON AND GO OUTSIDE AND TIME YOOUR ELECTRIC METER AND 
FIND OUT!

SHRINK:
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST DAILY, TAKE UP PICTURE 
PUZZLING; YOU'LL FIND REALITY SHRINKING INTO PLACE AS YOU SOLVE 
THE PUZZLE!
ALSO TAKE A GIANT THICK MAGNIFIER AND EXAMINE THE PICTURE AND YOU'LL 
FIND THAT COLORS REALLY STAND OUT: ROYGBIV!
- SCREEMING TO SEPARATE!
- VERY CONFUSHUS!

I SEE LIFE AS A HOBBY:
WHO DOESN'T SEE LIFE AS A HOBBY!
EVERYTHING HAS STARTED OUT AS A HOBBY THAT GETS TOO BIG 
FOR THE GARAGE AND TURNS INTO AN EMPLOYMENT AND FACTORY 
FAD. CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORKER GETTING FIRED FOR NOT BEING 
ABLE TO MAKE HIS WORK LOOK LIKE A HOBBY!
IS THAT WHAT HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT IS FOR TO 
CALCULATE YOUR COMPETIVENESS WITH 'HIS' HOBBY.
- WHY NOT HIRE IDIOTS AND SAVE YOURSELFF ALL THOSE WORRIES!
- AND UNIONS WILL BABYSIT THEM!
A HOBBY CAN BE RATED BY THE LENGTH OF ITS WARRENTEE!
CAN YOU IMAGINE RECRUITERS STARTING THEIR OWN HOBBY, 
AS IF THEY'RE PREACHING!
- AS IF YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR OWN CAKKE AND EAT IT TOO!
- WE ALL KNOW 007 IS THE SYMBOL OF COMPPETION!
FOR SURE FIRED WORKERS WILL RESORT TO A HOBBY: TO GET 
EVEN OR FORGET THEIR WOES.
IMAGINE A BOSS SQUEEZING 'INFORMATION' OUT OF A HIRELING; 
A THIEF; A 007; BUT NOT THE HUMAN RESOURCES DEPT.!
- A BOSS WILL NEVER SEE AN END WITH A GGENIUS;
A THIEF'S GOAL IS SHORT SIGHTED;
A 007 IS SHORT LIVED.
- IF YOU KEEP SQUEEZING A CORK IN THE MMIDDLE OF AN OCEAN 
SOONER OR LATER IT WILL STOP FLOATING AND RETURN TO ITS 
POINT OF ORIGIN.
- BUT DOES IT NEED A 'SHRINK'!
- DO THEY CREATE WARS TO GET COMPETITIOON TO LEARN TO 'SQUEEZE'!
- OR IS IT REALLY A RELATIVITY 'SHRINK'' THAT IS TAKING PLACE!
'AND' A PLANT'S 'HR.' IS A MEANS TO AN END FOR PEOPLE WHO 
'MEAN WELL', LOVE TO READ AND BABY-SIT!
- ARE WE TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ALL HAVE  THE SAME JOB!
'AND' IF SCHOOLS WHISTLE THEY'LL GET A BOOK WRITER TO 
TRANSLATE IT ALL INTO SOMETHING IDEAL, COMPLETE WITH 
SAFETY FACTORS AND READY TO LECTURE IT ANY CLASSROOM!

ARE HOBBYISTS NURDS WHEN IT TAKES LESS TIME TO TURN 
OUT A FORD CAR IN THE SAME TIME OR A FLOATING DESTROYER 
IN 20 MINUTES!

NATIONAL DEBT:
ONE THING I DISAGREE WITH IS THE LACK OF KNOWLEDGE OF A COUNTRY'S 
NATIONAL DEBT AND ITS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD AND 
HOW TO RELATE THIS DATA TO ADVERTISEMENTS WHICH CLAIM 'IT COSTS 
YOU ONLY 30 CENTS!'
- I FEEL AS IF WE'RE SENDING A 10000 YOU-KNOW-WHATS-ISES AND THAT 
WE'VE GOT MONEY TO BURN!
- EDUCATION AT RYERSON IS $5K/YR. & AN  HTML COURSE COSTS $10K AND 
30 CENTS ONLY GETS YOU SMILES IN THE GTA & CHUCKLES FROM THE 
HARRISES!
- ALTHOUGH YOU CAN GET A LOT OF FREE COOFFEE AND DONUTS IN THE GTA 
IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT!
 - I DONT THINK THAT 30 CENTS WORTH OF STALE FOOD WILL FILL ANY 
HUNGARY TUMMY UNLESS THEY HAVE A LOT OF FASTING IN MIND!
 - WITH THE RIGHT NATIONAL-DEBT-FIGURES ONE COULD FIGURE OUT 
WHAT YOUR GIVING 'ABSENDMINDEDLY' AND WHETHER IT'S TOO MUCH OF 
A BURDEN TO 'OUR COUNTRY' OR DOESN'T THAT MATTER ANYMORE!
 - IF YOU OWN A SWIMMING POOL YOU CAN AFFORD A BASTARD 
(WITH BIG IDEAS) AND EVEN IF YOUR KIDS DROWN YOU HAVE A HAPPY 
BACKUP; WHY NOT SEND YOUR KIDS TO THEM DIRECT MAIL IN A CRATE 
(30 CENT STAMP) AND SAVE THEM A LOT OF TIME AND TROUBLE!
- IT PROBABLY EVEN TAKES 2 MAIDS TO DO  THEIR DRYCLEANING!
 - IS THIS THE ADVERTISEMENT THAT'S GETTING US ALL THOSE 'ADULT' 
FREE LOADERS ON BOATS AND IN CRATES!
- IF SO THEY SHOULD BE ADVERTIZNG ADULTT-FUNERAL-RATES INSTEAD!

A LOT OF SIGNS SAY E=M*C2   ==> EINSTEIN
BUT WHY NOT BE DOWN TO EARTH AND SAY E = M*G*H = M*V2  
==> PENDULUM!
 - LET'S ALL AGREE WITH THE PENDULUM!
 - ARE WE SURROUNDED BY HYPNOTISTS WITH GRANDFATHER COMPLEXES!
 - BLONDS ARE FUN; BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
 - IF HE CAN'T MAKE THINGS SIMPLE THEN HE SHOULD BE CLASIFIED AS 
A 007 AGENT IN CODE!
(KEEP IT SIMPLE BUT NOT TOO SIMPLE: ALBERT EINSTEIN)
 - FOR STREET PEOPLE I WOULD CHANGE THAT TO SAY, "NOT THAT SIMPLE"!
IF ONLY HE ADVOCATED 'PERPETUAL MOTION' AND CLAIMED THAT LIGHT 
NEVER LEFT THE LIGHT BULB!

YOU CANT QUIT!:
PEOPLE SHOULD BE GIVEN A PURPLE HEART FOR READING BETWEEN THE 
LINES: ESPECIALLY HUMANRESOURCES WHO EXPECT RESULTS, 1 ON 1 
FOR THEIR AD ON THE THREAT: INTO-THE-GARBAGE-CAN-YOU-GO, TO 
HARD WORKING JOB SEEKERS WHO ARE TRYING TO BROADCAST THEIR 
RESUME ON THE INTERNET WHILE UNDER A LOT OF STRESS!
- IF THEY'RE SWEATING THEY MIGHT BEE IN 'IN HEAT' AS WELL!
- IT CAN'T BE A HEALTHY JOB IF YOU  REJECT EVEN 1 NERVOUS HOPEFUL 
WHO HAS BEEN APPROVED BY EVERY ART OF EDUCATION AND/OR 
REASONING!
- WILL THE REAL HUGH HEFNER PLEASE STANND UP!
- IF YOUR TRYING TO FLOAT A SHIP THEN MMAYBE YOU SHOULD BE JOINING 
THE NAVY IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND WHAT REALY MAKES SHIPS FLOAT!
- BESIDES, IT TAKES A LOT OF SWEAT TO FFLOAT A BOAT!

BRIDGE LAKE ERIE!:
TALK ABOUT GIANTS: THE GREEN GIANT SHOULD BUILD A BRIDGE 
ACROSS LAKE ERIE AT TILSONBERG AND REDUCE ITS COSTS TO 
AMERICANS IN THE STATES BY HALF.
THE LAKE IS SO SHALLOW:
LONDON FREEZES OVER; 
SHIPS SINK IN ITS HUGH WAVES; 
A SHIPS GRAVE FOR CENTURIES; 
PEOPLE ALMOST WALK ACROSS; 
BUFFALO IS SNOWED IN AT LEAST ONE WEEK OF THE YEAR, 
DOWN WIND OF ITS FOG,; 
AND SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT IT IS A LARGE SWAMP!

- NOTHING A GREENGIANT CANT STRAIGHTEN  OUT AND WALK OVER!

CATCHUP:
IN CHRIST'S DAY BLOOD ON THE DOORS OF THE FIRST-BORN WAS 
POPULAR PROBABLY LEADING THE 'KETCH-UP' CRAZE AND CHRIST'S 
RESSURRECTION!
TODAY 'MAYO' IS POPULAR WITH A POLAR BEAR ON A $2 LUNY! 

- FOR THE NUMBER OF ESKIMOS IT HAS PROBBABLY EATEN IT 
SHOULD BE CALLED A 'WHITE CANIBAL'!
- BUT I WON'T LEAVE NEIL ARMSTRONG  OUT!

STEAMY:
IF ANYTHING SHOULD BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR SMOG, IT SHOULD BE 
DOG BREATH. PIS BREATH NEVER STOPS STEAMING; 
IT'S A REGULAR FOGING MACHINE.
- WHAT IS THE AVERAGE TEMPERATURE OF ITTS STEAMING TONGUE 
ANYWAY!
- IT SHOULD BE CALLED THE CHURCH/SECT OON EVAPORATION; 
POLICE DOGS 'BLUE'!
- SATAN'S SWEAT GLAND!
- THE 'NO DOGS ALLOWED' IN PARKS SHOULDD BE CALLED THE BIGGEST
FOG ATOMIC PARTICLE!
- A CAR GOING BACKWARDS WITH A WAGGING  STEERING WHEEL AND
WITH SORE SPOTS LIKE THE RADIATOR AND ALTENATOR!
- THERE'S A LOT OF POLUTION ON ITS  BREATH
AND IT MAY BE EFFECTING MORE PEOPLE 
THAN JUST ITS OWNERS.
- IF IT REALLY IS THAT HOT WHY DONT THEEY
MAKE IT MORE COMFORTABLE
AND CUT OFF ITS REGULAR STEAM OR MOISTURIZER.
- IF A TONGUE CAN BE SAID TO BE AN EXTRRA HAND
THAN IT HAS GOT ONE!
- EVEN SHEEP GET REGULAR SHEERING!

ITS NOSE IS CONSIDERED THE PIE-CHART OF ODORS,
BUT IT MUST WORSHIP ITS WASTE:
WHICH IT SPREADS AROUND LIKE SOMETHING CHOCOLATY, 
AND PROBABLY PUTS A LOT OF EFFORT INTO IT!
- A GOOD THING THEIR OWNERS DON'T LLOOK THAT CHOCLATY
FROM ALL THAT DIAPER RASH CLEANSING WAGING TONGUE,
- THE WORLD WOULD REALLY LOOK DISGUSTINNG!
- IF ONE WERE TO TEST THE WATERTABLE I''M SURE IT WILL SAY:
"OUNCE FOR OUNCE 'CAT'!"
- IF ONE WERE TO TEST THE ATMOSPHERE I''M SURE IT WILL SAY:
"OUNCE FOR OUNCE 'DOG'!"
DOGS' HEAVEN IS LIKE A RHINO: 
 A MANURE SPRAYER WITH A HAIRY POINT!
- GODS ARE 'IN THE AIR';
DOGS ARE 'IN THE PARK' WALKING UNDER SIGNS THAT CLAIM:
 'NO DOGS ALLOWED'!

- I CAN'T TAKE IT/PARK DOWN WIND!
WHY NOT CALL IT MANDRAKE AND CHALK UP ALL THE IDIOTS THAT 
HAVE BEEN LED TO 'THIN ICE' AND DROWNED!
- FOR A CENT!

MELT DOWN:
IF KOSOVO HAS NO PEACEFUL ANSWER THAN 
ITS MOUNTAINOUS RANGES MAKE AN IDEAL CANON: 
TO BLAST A FEW ATOM BOMBS AT THE MOON
WHEN IT'S DIRECTLY ABOVE AND 
FORCE THE MOON BACK INTO SPACE A FEW FEET.
- JUST LIKE KILLING TWO BIRDS WITH ONE  STONE!
- OR TURN IT INTO ANOTHER NASA
WITH A BIGGER PAYLOAD IN MIND; 
BLASTED OFF WITH ATOM BOMBS!
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE COLUMBIA TAKING OFF, ON A BUGGY
ON RAILS, UP MOUNT EVEREST WITH 5 ATOMIC ENGINES IN ITS TAIL!
- OR TURN THE WALL OF CHINA INTO A SPACCE-AGE LUGE!

ALUMINUM:
THE WORLD IS AWED BY THE WORLD'S BIGGEST MAGNETIC ACCELERATORS, 
BUT AT WHAT COST TO STUDENTS AND GOVERNMENTS!
BUT ALL YOU NEED IS REYNOLDS ALUMINUM WRAPPED AROUND MOUNT 
EVEREST, CONNECTED TO ALL THE LIGHTNING RODS ON ALL THE HOMES 
AROUND IT, AND YOU'LL HAVE THE UNIVERSE'S BIGGEST CAPACITOR 
WITH THE LARGEST POSSIBLE VOLTAGE!
AND WHAT GENIUS WOULDN'T LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING AT 
THE CENTER OF THIS SIMPLE HIGH VOLTAGE CAPACITOR -  
OR AT THE TOP.
- ALMOST FOR FREE!
- PERHAPS THEY'LL EVEN FIND MAGNETIIC ACCELERATION
THERE!-
PERHAPS IT'LL BE BIG ENOUGHT TO BLOW ITS TOP AND KNOCK 
THE MOON BACK A FEW MILES WITH ITS MOMENTUOUS MASS!
- PREVIOUSLY DICUSSED.
- AND THE EVAPORATED WATER WILL SOLVE TTHE GLOBAL WATER AND
GREENHOUSE EFFECT PROBLEMS, AS WELL AS, MAKE THE MOON ARABLE!
- THE ELECTRONS AT THE BOTTOM MIGHT LOOOK LIKE EXPANDED
SNOW FLAKES OR BETTER YET A SPIDER WEB!
 - WITH A SPIDER IN IT!
- FREEZING OR SUPER GLUEING THESE FLAKEES OR WEBS AND
ALLOWING THEM TO COLLAPSE IN AN APROPRIATE CONTAINER MIGHT 
SOLVE THE WORLD'S ENERGY CRISIS - 
AND 'READY' FOR THE SPACE RACE!
- SPIDER WEBS MIGHT BE THE BASIC SUBSTAANCE THAT THE
UNIVERSE IS MADE OF - EXPLAINING THE PRESENCE OF SPIDERS 
EVERYWHERE ON EARTH (UNDER WATER & IN THE SKY 
& IN HURICANE EYES)!
- I'D LIKE TO CALL A DEW COVERED WEEB, A SPIDER'S 1ST
FREZNEL LENS - STRONGER THAN STEEL!
- CAN YOU IMAGINE A SPIDER HANGING AROUUND
LOOKING AT THE SCENERY MAGNIFIED BY AN ARRAY OF DEW DROPS!
- PERHAPS THE 1ST ASTRONOMER & 1 UP ON  LEEWENHOOK!
- IF I WERE A MATHEMATICIAN I'D QUIICKLY INVENT A
COORDINATE SYSTEM BETTER IF NOT EQUAL TO A SIMPLE 
SPIDER WEB!
- ONE WITH A LOOSE DOT INSIDE OF IT ON  A 'SPIDER'S CONE'
- HA HA!

SOLAR CRELLS:
IF YOU OWN A SOLAR CELL THAN YOU KNOW THAT THE BIGGER THE 
CAPACITOR YOU ATTACH THE BETTER IT WORKS!
- AN ELECTRON SOURCE FILLS THE CAPACITOOR TO THE BRIM!
- A PNP CATALIST!
- A BATTERY IS A CURRENT SOURCE AND NEEEDS A RESISTOR 
  TO PROVIDE VOLTAGE!
- HOW MUCH REYNOLD'S ALUMINIUM CAN  YOU WRAP AROUND A TINY
SOLAR CAR TO ROB OR SINK THE SUN'S SOLAR ENERGY INTO STORAGE!
- IN THIS DAY AND AGE YOU'VE GOT TOO THINK 'REALLY BIG'!
- IF ALUMINUM IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALSHEIIMER DESEASE THEN
POSSIBLY IT HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL THE SCIENTIST THAT THEY 
FORGOT SOMETING IMPORTANT ABOUT ALUMINIUM!

ALUMINUM DISK:
A LITTLE DISK OF ALUMINUM IS CALCULATING YOUR GLOBAL ELECTRIC 
BILL; WITH MOUNT EVEREST COVERED WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO ENTER 
THE SPACE RACE ON THE SAME SCALE!
- TURN YOUR LIGHT OFF IN YOUR REFRIGERAATOR, JUST TO SEE HOW MUCH
THAT LIGHT BULB TALLIES ON YOUR ELECTRIC BILL AS ACCELERATION!
- THE MICROWAVE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO HIIDE THEIR 50,000 AMPERAGE 
FROM NOT ONLY YOU BUT FROM THAT LITTLE DISK!
THIS LITTLE DISK COSTS $50 AS A 'FLOATING IN THE AIR' GYRO!
- HA HA!

LOOK AT ME:
I'M WEARING A GIANT TOOK, A TURTLE NECK, SOFT INDUSTRIAL 
EARPLUGS, A LONG SKIMPY TSHIRT, WARM DRY SOCKS, AND 
SWOLLOWED SOME ECHINACEA PILLS, ETC.!
- I FINALY FEEL THAT I'VE TAMED MY SEVEERE COLD!

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