I've been writing the absolutely True Tales of Stupidity for almost three years now, and I think that the format has gotten a little stale.  Since I have moved away from Oakland, the embodiment of dysfunction and insanity in Pittsburgh, I haven't had my usual source of idiots to write stories about that amuse and enlighten.  That means that it is a time for change.  The next seven True Tales of Stupidity that I write will document what I like to call the seven traits of highly affected people.  (This could last anywhere between seven months to three and a half years depending on how motivated I feel.)  After that, we'll see the direction this part takes.

Seven Traits of Highly Affected People- Part 1

Disregard for personal space.

    The first highly affected and annoying trait that I would like to address is the complete and total lack of a concept of "personal space".  One day, I was on the bus going to work, thinking of yet another wonderful day of making phone calls and Microsoft Access.  I say, blissfully ignorant, as a "colorful" (i.e. loopy) character got on the bus and made a b-line for my seat.  Now, although there were quite a few people on the bus, it was by no means crowded- there were many other seats that he could have plopped in with out bothering anyone, namely me.  Buy he sat next to me- oh lucky day.  Anyway, I don't mind sharing my seat if need be, but I don't however like being pressed into the window by someone who doesn't like being in just one seat.  (He wasn't obese, he just wanted to be in my seat.)  Nor do I like sharing my seat when said person also likes to rock in his seat and sing.

    Now, most long time Sept-Verse readers are probably thinking, "What did Septy say to berate this maniac?"  And if you thought that, you would be part right.  I turned to say something along the lines of "Hey Michael Bolton, slide it on over", but when I looked at him I realized that a witty comment, or any spoken language, would have been completely lost on him.  Finally my stop came up, good timing because my glaring muscles were getting tired.  When I tried to get up and exit, I first kindly asked him to let me out.  (No, really.  I do try to be polite sometimes.)  When he ignored me, I warmly told him to "move it or wind up on the floor."  I guess in retrospect I should have just been happy to get off of the bus with out being drooled upon... too much.

    So what is the point of this story?  People who disregard your personal space probably have a greater, the disregard is most likely a symptom.  When faced with people like this, your best option is to try to be as polite as possible, but if (and when) that fails, be firm and stand your ground.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, many people behave poorly because no one calls them on it, and they get away with it.  You really can't blame the insane or those who are otherwise mentally challenged, they can't really control their behavior.  But there are many people who are just rude.

    Another time I was on the bus, (you will see in the comming months that this is my new source of dysfunction) I was sitting in the very back minding my own business and plotting world conquest.  There were plenty of seats, but some guy came on and told me to move.  I looked up at him like he was insane, because obviously he temporarily took leave of his senses.  So he sat next to me and tried to cram me into the window.  This guy wasn't crazy, he was just being an ass, so I didn't feel the need to refrain.  First, I decided to cram back, let him know that I don't kowtow to anyone.  He didn't let up, so after a few minutes, I looked over at him and said, "Gee, normally when I'm this close to a man, we're both naked."  He didn't take that well- at all.  He freaked, got up, and ran to get off on the next stop.

    Now, I wouldn't suggest that most people should say something like that.  (You could get your ass kicked for that.)  Anyone who knows me knows that I would never say anything like that under normal circumstances.  I'm never that blatant about my sexuality, that was kind of vulgar in my opinion, but hey, I didn't start it.

    So join me next update as we continue with the seven traits of highly affected people.