After too long an absence, I bring you the much loved stories of how life will be better after I take over the world.

    (Warning!!  Just like everything else on these web pages, this is all a joke.  I don't need the feds thinking that I'm a militia group intending to topple the government.)

    In 2004, after being trapped and forced to watch Jerry Springer: An Adventure in Song, I will finally be pushed to the point that I decide to take over the world.  I decide to unionize all of the prostitutes in Washington D.C., then convince them to stop sleeping with government employees.  At the same time, I will replace all interns with eunuchs.  Within thirty days, a horny, overly excited, and delirious Congress gives me control of the federal government.  Using the same ploy in New York with the United Nations, I become supreme ruler of the Earth!  This will give me the power to stop all of the other horrific predictions that I have made, including the Earth falling into the Sun because of the "Puffy Combes" Saga movie.  Humanity will be ushered into a golden age of peace and prosperity that has never been seen in all of recorded history.

How Life Will Be Better After I Achieve World Domination!

Chapter 6

    This month I will explain how I will create a happier world by creating new laws to make the internet safer.

    After I take over the world, some of the strictest laws will be enacted because of things that annoy me.  Currently some of the worst offenders are people who send Spam mail.  Not only does unsolicited junk  mail clog up your inbox, but it is also time consuming to delete and block.

    Much of it is plain stupid: "Boost Windows 95 reliability to that of Windows NT"- yeah, that's like turning trash into garbage.  Some is obscene: "Hot barely legal teen girls are waiting for you"- way to do your research, morons.  A lot makes no sense: "Get a second mortgage to get out of debt"- boy that applies to me in my apartment.  Most starts just plain ridiculous: "I don't send unsolicited e-mail, I know that you're interested in this subject"- well, that must mean that I want to read your asinine advertisement.  Plenty is aimed at morons: "This is the hottest secret investment tip"- it only makes sense that the next hot stock tip would come from junk mail, isn't that how IBM started?  And the vast majority of it goes to my Hotmail account.

So as a caring and benevolent world ruler, what would I do about it?  As we all know I want the entire world capable  of using e-mail and everybody to have computers, so this is a particular peril in my future world.  Anybody found to be sending Spam mail will be subject to harsh penalties- depending on the degree of the offense punishment would range from being slapped around by a keyboard, getting painted blue and catapulted against a wall to leave red streaks, having old computers dropped on them from tall buildings, to being contestants on Outrun the Reaper.

Another thing that burns my ass hair is pop up banners.  If you have a small company that doesn't make a lot of money and uses them sparingly, I can live with a few banners.  What truly annoying is when you try to close them and more pop up as a result.  People who intentionally put these on their web pages that have absolutely no entertainment, informational, or retail value will also face legal action.  I believe that being locked in a room an being forced to watch endless hours of Gilligan's Island is a fair reward for their crimes.

    Next month I will explain how I will make television a little safer by launching Roseanne into space in a capsule with no radio equipment.