a few days ago, The Goddess and I surpassed our first year of commitment together. We planned the wedding for the last Saturday before the Autumn Solstice, and therefore decided to have more formal anniversary celebrations later this week, in conjunction with our paying homage to this most mystical, revered time of the year.

It was an arduous year. I am reminded that this is typical, for I cannot remember what my former first year of marriage was like. Nevertheless, I believe there were extenuating circumstances inherent in this past year, in our life together, that contributed to things being rather atypical. Situations such as The Goddess remaining in Ontario until December, the perpetual roaring of her great OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) Beast, her blind hysterical fits, my depression, Alyx's cancer, our financial struggles, almost losing our car, becoming alienated from my mother amidst a barrage of emotional abuse, all conspired to make this year a memorable one for all the wrong reasons. Instead of a year we can look back on and romanticize about, our first year as partners will be remembered as a test of endurance. Often we were able to tread precariously the turbulent waves, yet sometimes we were overcome by a tidal and near drowned. But, despite the raging torrent, we are still here, and I think I see a life preserver floating there in the distance. Indeed, if anything positive can be found in the muck and mire of it all, it is that things can only get better from here.

Perhaps it would help to remind myself what my commitment with The Goddess is all about:

I received a crisis call from her this evening. Through immense sobbing she told me that the dress did not fit. Although not a large woman, her shoulders are broader, and she is more curvaceous than her grandmother was. She thought shedding a few pounds would make a difference. It has translated into disappointment in herself, triggered body image issues, and marred her childhood vision of uniting with her Prince Charming. I can share in her disappointment in its own right, but there is little I can do to ease her pain, as one's image issues can only be resolved on one's own. I told her that I was not marrying the dress, but the soul of the woman inside that dress. Beauty is something that a dress cannot provide. Beauty resides in the soul, to be radiated outward, touching off sparks of intense joy, delight, and pleasure in the beholder. Blessed be, I am infatuated with her soul. - Till Death Do Us Part...July 15, 1999

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So...let's tally things so far:
- the dress doesn't fit,
- there may not be any place to have our wedding,
- which is a good thing because there's no place for the guests to stay anyway. - Till Marriage Do Us Part...July 16, 1999

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It started out as a minor pull while helping her Aunt move a few weeks ago. Due to her refusal to follow my advice and hold up in her room for a day or two, and instead insisting on going full boar through work and wedding plans, she is home for several days, missing a great deal of work, and having to have emergency chiropractor appointments to keep her back from locking up. I pleaded with her to take care of herself, knowing how a minor back problem can quickly become something needing surgery. I did not want her to have to go through that. I also had nightmarish visions of a celibate wedding night, or worse, having her dollied up the aisle in full traction like some bizarre tribute to Hannibal Lecter. That surpasses even what this pagan is willing to consider ceremonial. - The Bride Beast Tamed...August 12, 1999

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In attempting to relay the depth of her love for me, The Goddess asks me to look up to the evening sky. Only after I finish counting all the stars I regard will I come closer to reaching an understanding of her love for me. It gives me great joy, peace, and serenity to know our spirits have an eternity to count them together. - On Love...August 14, 1999

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Needless to say, I kept the feather, and still have it to this day. I found out that evening in talking to The Goddess that during that afternoon, she had spent time contemplating the literary and spiritual significance of Ravens throughout history. - On Love: The Spiritual Component Part I...August 15, 1999

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Awakening from my euphonic stupor, I played the song again, and again. I saw The Goddess, like Mother Theresa in her capacity for compassion and giving. I remembered the many times, with cigarette in hand, she would seem to solve all the world's problems in an afternoon of philosophizing. I revisited the first time we made love, the fire of passion in her dark, enticing eyes, the warm, smooth softness of her enlacing thighs. I envisioned my Goddess, after I drove ten hours to be with her, seductively greeting me in a bath of moonlight, dressed only in a black silk evening gown. I recollected, in the throws of intense, wholly draining, heartracing, paralyzing, unprecedented orgasm, how she must have been a Brothel Queen in a past life. I mused in the secret pleasure she took in shocking her right wing conservative father with her ultra left wing views. I ruminated on her scorpion, emotionally charged temper, all too thirsty to devour my rationality when she is angered. I became tearful in her ability to exhume my own passions, my own ability to love, that lay buried beneath years of abuse and self loathing. Finally, and perhaps most of all, I extended deep appreciation to the spirits for allowing The Goddess and I to find ourselves again, after she spent too many years feeling isolated, alone, unwanted, and unloved. - On Love: The Spiritual Component Part II...August 17, 1999

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"Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah...blah BLAH blah blah blah blah...". - Get It Over With And Sign...August 26, 1999

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A few weeks ago, The Goddess, while at work, refused to plunge a plugged toilet (remember she works in a residential facility). Her rationale for passing the buck was that she simply 'does not do toilets'. Well, her coworkers dubbed her The Princess at that point. She corrected them by reminding them she was "The Queen'. - She Don't Do No Toilets...August 29, 1999

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Someone, please hold onto me and not let go until two weeks from today. - Two Weeks From Today...September 4, 1999

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A darkness looms this evening, not from the setting sun, but from a smoke-grey cloud of sadness that surrounds my physical being. It makes me shiver as the mist is cold, and all that warms me is the shot of tequila I downed to quell the loneliness that I am feeling. These last two weeks that I have not written are a blur in my mind. I can conjure lucid bits and pieces, tiny little fragments that wax nostalgia for a time I looked forward to more than a lifetime of Christmases. Greater chunks of time seem lost in a blissful, hazy void, perhaps to be remembered little by little over the next few weeks when my somber heart misses her the most. I will undoubtedly struggle to capture the utopian essence that was my wedding. It is a worthy and noble quest, nevertheless, and one that will likely take up more than a couple of entries. But that will wait for another day. Perhaps tomorrow. There were loose ends to tie up those thousand kilometres away, where in her other life she resides. She cannot move home for another nine weeks. Tonight, I had to say good-bye to The Goddess. With a tearful kiss, despite the tightest grasp of embrace, I had to part with my wife. But the honeymoon is eternal. - The End Of The Beginning....September 28, 1999

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The Goddess, Daughter of Mother Earth, you are my Goddess. In this reality, our paths crossed almost ten years ago. Over intense conversation and laughter, you became my friend. Through crises you became my best friend and confidant. Through destiny, you became my lover. As we continue our current journey, you become my life partner. Since the dawn of time, you have been, and always will be, my soul mate. I promise to honor with my life this that I know to be true. And in death, I vow to discover you once again. - For The Rest Of The Days...October 8, 1999

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I knew that life with The Goddess would be at times strenuous; I know of no relationship where this is not so. Nevertheless, I did not anticipate the degree to which her OCD and past issues would have a negative impact on our day to day living and exacerbate more mundane situations.

However, when I married her, I made a commitment for life, or, as Pookie once said, "For The Rest Of The Days".

Because we love each other, despite the pain.

Because we have been before, transcending death.

But on the really tough days, I am glad I have these writings to remind me.

 

Be Well