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A
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| Aardvark |
A large blue insectivore that sounds a lot like Jackie Mason.
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| Alligator |
A vicious carnivore since prehistoric times, this amphibious hunter grabs his prey and holds it underwater to drown while bashing it with his enormous tail into a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. As there is an amusement park in Florida devoted to these nightmarish reptiles, this behavior is apparently amusing.
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| Ant |
An industrious, segmented insect indigenous to picnics. Can grow up to 500 feet if featured in a 1950's science fiction movie. Edible when cooked in chocolate and passed off on someone as a 'delicacy'.
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B
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| Bat |
This is a flying rodent that eats bugs. If you dress like one and have a large enough budget, you can make a couple million dollars on the action figures alone. Tastes a little like chicken.
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| Bear |
This animal should never, ever be eaten. It is very strong and temperamental and would probably take your head off before you got a decent bite out of it.
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| Beaver |
Large-toothed, flat-tailed rodents very adroit at building dams which are certainly as well constructed as those built by modern man. Their efficiency is not much better, however, as these dams are quite often not finished by their projected dates, necessitating the diversion of funds from other important projects. |
| Boar |
A pig who appears on "Meet The Press". |
| Butterfinger |
This is not an animal at all. It is a candy bar and therefore may be safely eaten.
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C
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| Camel |
The animal famous for being able to go up to ten months without stopping for water! This is possible because a camel is equipped with a very large thermos, which it keeps in its lunchbox. |
| Cat |
A parasite which attaches itself to humans. Life expectancy: very short if it starts yowling its head off one more time at three in the morning.
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| Chinchilla |
This is a small, furry mammal who is worn by the fashion-conscious and spray-painted by animal activists. It's never a dull moment being a chinchilla!
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| Cockroach |
An indestructible insect equipped with full body armor, three deployable nuclear warheads and six air-to-air missiles. Most are light-sensitive and the males will fly blindly right at your head if you surprise them. Or maybe it's the females. I haven't had the courage to look. |
| Coon |
Don't say this. It's rude. |
| Cougar |
One of the largest and most agile members of the cat family, this animal is actually forced to use that name by record company weasels, preferring instead to be called 'Mellencamp'. |
| Cow |
Amazingly, it is the opinion of scientists that this animal should not theoretically be able to fly! If one stings you, put some mud on it and go ask your mom if you are allergic. |
| Coyote |
These animals do not really exist. They are merely cartoon characters. No animal could fall a thousand feet from a cliff and live, especially with its entire body coiled into the shape of a spring. |
| Crab |
This is an animal that is always good for a cheap joke, especially if the author mentions hookers in New Orleans.
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D
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| Dog |
An animal that will eat its own waste and then lick the face of the nearest human. Life expectancy: four minutes.
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| Donkey |
An animal which frequently makes a jerk of itself in the White House. |
| Duck |
A domestic, web-footed fowl so named for the sound it makes: "Duck! Duck! Duck!" |
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E
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| Eel |
A long, slimy aquatic animal used in teaching dance steps, i.e.: "eel, toe, eel, toe, eel, toe..." |
| Elephant |
See 'donkey'. |
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F
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| Fox |
A really nice looking woman, indigenous to the expensive cars of jerks. |
| Foxhound |
A jerk with an expensive car. |
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G
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| Giraffe |
These quadropedic herbivores have developed extremely long necks to help them reach eucalyptus leaves, and as a result are taller than most people. And although it is true that they only eat plants, it should be noted that, should they develop a taste for meat, it will be very hard to get away from them up a tree. |
| Gorilla |
An animal that can wear a suit and play Lou Grant on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show". |
| Great White Whale |
An enormous aquatic mammal best known for biting the legs off of John Barrymore and Gregory Peck. |
| Groundhog |
An animal indigenous to Punxatawney, Pennsylvania whose habits are rumored to be indicators of winter weather conditions. Living in a hole in the ground, if it pops out of its house and is scared back in by thousands of screaming people and dozens of television cameras and microphones shoved in its face, winter will last six more weeks. If it grants an interview, winter is over. |
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