|
|
|
| Hawk | A huge bird that will attack people if someone wearing gloves tells it to. It is uncertain whether mittens will work. |
| Hawk, Hudson | This is an extremely funny animal that is enjoyable to watch over and over again. Unfortunately, it also has the handicap of being unique to its species, which scares the pants off its narrow-minded critics. |
| Hooters | These mammals are very photogenic and fun to look at when they're relatively young. The older they get, though, the less anyone wants to have to do with them. |
| Horse | A large animal used for heavy labor on farms or for sport. There are several different types, including plow horse, quarter horse and Mustang Ranch horse. |
| return to top | |
|
|
|
| Iguana | This is a good one to list under "I". |
| return to top | |
|
|
|
| Jackrabbit | This is the coolest animal there is, owing to its availability in four different suits: spades, clubs, hearts and diamonds. |
| JuJu Hound | The second stage in the metamorphosis of this animal, it must first be a guitarist for either the Georgia Satellites or Guns 'n' Roses. |
| return to top | |
|
|
|
| Kangaroo | I don't know. |
| return to top | |
|
|
|
| Lizard | If you hear some joker at an outdoor concert say he feels like draining one of these, just clear the area. |
| Llama | An extremely intelligent animal that enjoys sitting on a really tall hill answering all of life's difficult questions. |
| return to top | |
|
|
|
| Mole | A small black animal with a hair in it. Lives on the faces of models who think it's attractive to look like you have a piece of Oreo cookie stuck on you from last Thursday. |
| Moose | A type of animal that enjoys going to a lodge and using secret handshakes. Other interests include 'poker night' and 'bowing night'. Life expectancy: depends on what kind of mood Mrs. Moose is in. |
| return to top | |
|
|
|
| The North American Spotted Madonna |
One of the baser, yet more financially successful of all animals. This is the most unevolved primate on record and yet is smarter than many humans, who will gladly support it even though its aptitudes are marketing and fornication and nothing else. |
| Nuprin | A tiny animal thought to be able to relieve headaches and other physical pain in humans. Often confused with other members of the acetaminophen family, despite the fact that they're little, yellow, different. |
| return to top | |
|
|
|
| Octopus | A tentacled marine animal that produces ink, as well as correction fluid and those little replacement leads for mechanical pencils. |
| return to top | |
|
|
|
| Penguin | A small, flightless bird that is apparently in charge of teaching your kids to walk at the day care center. |
| Pig | A barnyard animal that lives in a house made of either straw, sticks or bricks. Usually only one in three pigs can build a house that will last. |
| Platypus | One part duck, one part beaver, two parts beef stew. |
| Possum | This is an animal which is always dead and usually found right in the middle of the interstate. |
| Python | A huge snake, not to be confused with the mighty anaconda, which is a type of tree. |
| Python, Monty | This is not a snake at all. It is a penguin. |
| return to top | |