Moz knows all!...

Mozenrath fans have problems too. Love, work, enemies, big decisions ... and who better to give them advice than their favorite megalomanic villain? The doctor is IN -- write in!

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Dammit, Jasmine, I told you NEVER to call me here!

Despite the fact that the first choice most resembles ruthless reaching towards one myopic goal (my favorite kind of work), I'd have to say take the second job. This decision, if money was the number one priority to you, would have been quick work; you would have picked Job A in a heartbeat. But since your free time is also valuable to you, you'll see that the second choice gives back to you in more ways than in currency. Best of luck.

Dear Mozy,
     Do you have seasons in the Land of Black Sand or is it constantly the same weather?

We get seasons, except we don't make snow men in the winter. We make tar babies.

Thanks! Glad you like my material. Oh and if you run into the Blair Witch, tell her she owes me twelve dollars for my antique Jeff Goldblum Blow-Up Doll that she busted!
And tell her Xerxes is doing fine now. Y'see, poor Xerxes came down with the runs the last time we visited her spook hole. His crap was coming out like jelly, some bluish color I believe. I wonder where he squirmed off to to dump it? Oh well, as long as he set up those stone markers around his gloop like I told him to, I'm sure no one stepped in it. Courtesy and etiquette; that's what I teach my lampreys!

No explanation necessary, sweetheart. If I were any more gorgeous, you'd need TWO OF ME just to hold all that beautiful!

Dear Mozy,
     First just wanted to say great site, and I also wanted to ask: what do you eat in the Land of the Black Sand?

Well, Scirocco and the mamluks don't eat, and Xerxes seems content with fish flakes -- I guess that leaves Nefret and me. She demands that we import some food because the only thing that grows here naturally is black root. It thrives in magical black sand, and it is very nutritious. As if that wasn't enough, it also grows hair on your chest! And other areas! And it grows out coiffed and curly! Salon quality! I'm perfectly happy just eating black root; I mean, I don't see what Nefret's problem is! Oh well...

Dear Mozy,
     I guess this is for kids mostly, but I'm in a kiddy mood. I'm a father of two and I really like the show Aladdin, and I found this so what the hey. I've got a problem: my wife and I are raising a step son. He's the oldest kid in the house. He is not taking responsibility for school or for anything else. I think he should just admit that he's wasting his time and our time, and we should just let him do whatever he needs to do. Also, I have my younger son to think about and I don't want him to see my stepson as an example. Any advice?

I probably don't have enough information about what's going on to compose accurate advice, but I'll tell you what I think from what I hear. I assume that the older son is a teenager. The boy doesn't dislike you as much as you dislike him; that's the first thing. The boy's outlook on life is either very depressing, or something to the tune of "doing whatever you want to do and not doing whatever you don't want to do is living"; that's the second thing. Which ever outlook most fits him, don't concentrate any longer on your frustration with his actions. Understand that his actions are a result of his mindset. So instead, concentrate on encouraging him to change his mindset. If you are angry that he didn't do a chore, it's not going to affect him. You being angry or annoyed with him is business as usual in his outlook. If you are disappointed that he "let you down", especially if he said he would do it, well ... that feels different. I think his outlook would skip a beat then. ...Then the wall would start to come down, brick by brick. I know you don't want to hear this, but you've got to be patient.
I hope this made some sense. E-mail me again if you want me to elaborate. Best of luck.

What the hell are you talking about?

Dear Mozy,
     Hi it's me Chroias. You remember, the demon with the green hair. Well I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE COMING DOWN THIS SUMMER. See you were supposed to come down last summer to work on your autobiograpy but didn't. (cracks whip) I don't have to come and get you do I?

[to Mozy! viewers] Don't worry fellas, just an old girlfriend. I think I can handle this (grin / wink wink)

[to Chroias]Chrokey! The sty of my eye! I just want you to know that your "little accident" down at the Brimstone Hair and Nails Salon has NOT changed my feelings for you! Alas, my sweet! The hairstylist thought it was Hair Tonic Essentials Formula 999 -- who would have thunk the label was put on upside down!?
...And, ah, there's no reason to see you this summer -- I MEAN come down this summer, because, um ...Hellish summers can really mess up a marbled, pasty tint like mine! Not only that, uh, the autobiography is coming along quite nicely; I'll have it done earlier than scheduled! What I really need is a nice title for it. What do you think of "Mozenrath: I Found the Glove That Fit"?

Dear Mozy,
     Okay, here's something I've never understood. You've only ever tried to conquer Agrabah, and no offense my dear, but you've failed every time. Why don't you just conquer a handful of other, less magically defensive kingdoms, combine all of their recourses, and then take over Agrabah? Your magic just isn't working due to Big Blue, but even a genie can't stand up against the compiled forces of five or six armies. Wouldn't that be much easier then suffering defeat at the hands of that dirty little street rat?

Taking over the Seven Deserts isn't as easy as it sounds! For one thing, the world is a pretty big place, and I wouldn't want to leave any cities out of my path of destruction! No megalomanic villain can hope to accomplish his twisted goals without a little organization, so I decided I'd just buy a copy of Habib's Deluxe Address Book of Middle Eastern Kingdoms and go from A to Z.

Destane didn't raise no fools!

Dear Mozy,
     Ok, like u r the coolest like guy that I have ever like seen on TV and stuff and like I think u r like the most totally coolest most bodacious like villian-dude on Disney. So like do u like have a girl-friend or r u and like Xerxes going steady or some junk like that, huh? 'Cause if not, like I would like love to come and like roll around in your black sand if like u know what I mean! (c;

Bodacious, dudette! Live tanned and prosper!

Dear Mozy,
     Yo! U don't know me but just call me Phantom.C.Darkness, cousin to Phantom.C.Magic. Look, I just thought that I would send something to u. Later on in (mabey a couple of months) I will send u a web site that is being created right now. N E way......I first heard of you in Germany so I thought I would drop by. I LOVE UR WEB SITE!!!!!!! IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOL! Lovely back round. Grrrrrrrrrr........... (dumb two-timing brother of mine needs to use the computer) I'll see if I can write later. Bye!

[jumping up and down] Yay! Now I'm a REAL celebrity ... I've got a stalker! Look Xerxes! Look at the pretty stalker letter! I've gotta stick this one up somewhere; gawd, it's time like this I wish I had a refrigerator....

Dear Mozy,
     Hi ummm, Allah, I don't know how to say this. I've kinda gotta problem with me mom. She won't realize that I'm growing up especially when it comes to boys. I'm 16 and I've still never been on a date thanks to her. How can I get her to realize than I'm not her little girl anymore?

Great, another opportunity when I can tell someone to be sneaky and conniving down the drain, just 'cause I have to be a RESPONSIBLE advice columnist! Boo!
Alright, alright...let me start by saying this: mothers who trust their daughters rarely object to their daughters dating. If you've done other things without your mother's knowledge in the past, you'll have to rebuild her trust before you can do things like date. That won't take as long as it sounds; the key is to not be secretive about anything. Sit down with your mom and just tell her -- WITHOUT shouting -- that you're ready to date. That means that you'll tell her what day and time you're leaving, who with, what time you'll be back, and if applicable a number to reach you at.
...And if you're NOT ready to tell your mother all these things, then you're NOT ready to date.

Dear Mozy,
     I don't mean to be riding your cape train like this, but what is the easiest way to take over a small country without much hassle?

So glad you asked! I've come up with this great idea: the best way to take over a country without much hassle is to get to them through their children! While masquerading as an innocent company that would never hurt a fly, stick your paws into government stock and nuclear armory and -- ...what Nefret? You say Disney's already using my great idea? Shoot!
Uh, in that case, just watch Pinky and the Brain for tips...

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