Things that would NEVER be said in LOTR

Aragorn: *sigh* I love Arwen so much...
Legolas: Yeah, she's beautiful...
Aragorn: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!*tackles Legolas and begins beating him up*

Frodo: I came here to destroy the ring...but I WON'T! ITS MINE, I TELL YOU! BWAHAHAHA---*Sam pushes Frodo into Mount Doom's pit*
Sam: Well, that takes care of that problem!

Legolas: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for---*boom*
Aragorn: *takes arrow out of Legolas' head* Note to self: NEVER let anybody go in a pirate movie again

*Gandalf and Pippin are riding to Minas Tirith*
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Gandalf: No
Pippin: What about now?
Gandalf: NO
Pippin: I need to go potty
Gandalf: *Frys Pippin with a Magic Spell*
Pippin: ...

Sam: this is taking longer than i thought. i told you we should've used Fedex

Pippin: Minas Tirith is safe! Now to find Merry in all this-- Oh! Dead Nazgul! *pillage* Score! I found his wallet!

Gollum: Don't follow the lights
Sam: BUT I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK!

Elrond: Good afternoon, mister Anderson.
Frodo: Wha-?
Elrond: Oh, sorry, wrong movie.

*in the first movie while trying to open the door that will take them "safely" through the mountain.*
Merry: it won't open...
Pippn: Let me try.....*Ding Dong* you have to ring the bell you n00b

Legolas: *jumps up on rock* I'M WILL TURNER! MY FATHER WAS BOOTSRAP BILL! IF YOU DON'T LET ELIZABETH GO, I'LL SHOOT MYSELF!
Aragorn: WAIT! LEGOLAS! YOU'RE THINKING OF THE---*BOOM* too late..

(Aragorn, about to chop off the head of an Orc):
Don't worry i have good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko.
(continues to chop off head)
Gandalf: *pointing at something metal with a contorted look on his face* Move dang you!
Elijah: Um, Ian? There are no mutants in LoTR, stick to the script.

Frodo: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW...GOOD (move to steps)
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW...good.

Aragorn: What do your elf-eyes see, Legolas?
Legolas: I see... Arwen in the shower!!!
Aragorn: Ooh! Lemme see!!!

(Aragorn is about to be killed by orcs when suddenly Legolas walks infront of the orcs)
Legolas: Not so fast i just switched our credit card to a capital one! (orcs melt)

Gandalf: Fly you fools!
Fellowship: *Chugs Red Bull*
Fellowship: *Sprouts wings and flies away*
Gandalf: Hey! Gimme some!