Things that would NEVER be said in LOTR

Legolas: The acursed dirt has soiled my most beautiful face. I must avenge this henious deed by whipping out my bow and arrow and sleighing said dirt

Aragorn: *hands Frodo bottle*
Frodo: Whats this?
Aragorn: Pepperspray!!!!

Gimmli to Legolas: "I just talked to my agent, he got me a spot on broadway! I get to be a munchkin in the Wizard of Oz!"
Gimmli dances jerky like and sings: "We represent the LOLLY POP CLAN, the LOLLY POP CLAN...."

Pippin: Want me to sing?
Merry: God forbid...

*Legolas starts brushing Aragorns hair in the heat of battle*
Aragorn: What are you doing?
Legolas: I'm sorry, but that was really bugging me

Sam and Frodo are running away from orc and find shelter in a library
Sam: you got to help us, they are going to kill us!
Librarian: INDOOR VOICES

Pippin: *after stealing Gandalfs palantir* Hey Merry, wanna play marbles?

The eye - Woah, guys, hold on, I lost a contact . . .

Legolas:Isildur,but WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULDNT THROW THE RING INTO MOUNT DOOM?! EH EH?!
Aragorn:it wasnt his fault, it was the rings corruption!
Elrond:I PERSONALLY TOLD THE DIMWIT WHY HE SHOULD AND HE DOESN’T

Frodo- hey, sam, what's with the walking? stay here, im gonna get a car

Legolas: *staring at Arwen* Miss Elizabeth....
Aragorn: Dude! Back off!

Gandalf leaves
Gandalf: watch yourself frodo
Frodo turns his head, then starts running in circles
Frodo: boy, it sure is hard to watch yourself, sure you get a little glimps...

Smeagol: (with the ring) I will name it Squishy and it will be my Squishy...er, precious.

Legolas: *shots orc with single shot*
Orc: Hey! You cheated!
Legolas: DUH! Pirates always cheat
Director: CUT! Orlando, can you PLEASE stop using the Pirates of the Carraibian script?

Sam: Here you go, Mr. Frodo. Take back the ring.
Frodo: Tha . . hey! It has teeth marks on it!
Sam: I thought it was chocolate . .

Aragorn is riding on his horse, then all of a sudden it stops in the middle of a battle
aragon: DARN, I'M OUT OF QUARTERS

*this is on the way to mordor*
Aragorn: I spy with my little eye, something that is big.
Legolas: mountain. I spy with my little eye, something that is cone shaped.
Aragorn: mountain. I spy with my little eye, something that is blackish, brownish.
Legolas: mountain.

Frodo: Saur--
Gandalf: DON'T SAY HIS NAME! CALL HIM YOU-KNOW-WHO!