Things that would NEVER be said in LOTR

*Borimir is dying as he says this to Aragorn*
Borimir: Get off of me you jerk! I'm dying ya know! Pay a little... *dies*

Pippin: Gandalf are you sure we have to ride that big horse? Don't you have a goat or something.
Gandalf: No
Pippin: Are you sure.
Gandalf: *picks Pippin up* Shut up and get on the horse you idiot
Pippin: but....
*horse collapses*
Pippin: I tried to warn you.

*as tower w/ great eye is falling*
Sauron: AAAAAAAAH! *deep breath* AAAAAH! *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Orc: *takes Legolas's arrows* You'll shoot your eye out kid!
Legolas: O_o

Sam: *pushes Frodo into the Fires of Mordor* It's ok! I had Subway for lunch!

Frodo: *hiding in burrow*
KNOCK KNOCK
Frodo: Who's there?
Orc: Orc!
Frodo: Sweet, my pizzas here

Legolas: must... see... reflection... in... Aragon's... Sword...
Aragorn: Legolas, let go! I have to kill the orcs!

Galadriel: *holding Gimli in the air and petting him* And I will love him, and pet him, and squeeze him, and call him George!
Gimli: Agh! Psycho she-elf!

*In boat*
Frodo: Gandalf are we there yet?
Gandolf: No
Frodo: Are we there now?
Gandolf: No
Frodo: What about now?
Gandalf: *picks up Frodo* Hobbit over board! *Sits down and enjoys peace.*

Aragorn: *picks up leaf charm*
Aragorn: Very rare that somebody would loss something so valuable
Legolas: *flips it over*
Legolas: For a good time call Pippin, 1-555-LOVE

Merry: Gandalf, do you know everybody?
Gandalf: yes i know everybody that is alive
Merry: DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN?

Sam: Hey! i have found something on the inside of the ring in english!! it says to call (876)-567-321 if the ring is lost!
*Frodo takes out his cell phone and dials number*
Orc:i just got outta the shower sweetie. ill pick you up tonight.
*frodo hangs up*
i got the wrong number.....

Sam: I am waaaaaay more popular than you'll ever be!
Frodo: I'm telling Gandalf....
Gandalf: Sorry i'm busy, Arwen's doing my hair!
Frodo: Mr.Jackson sir....
Michael Jackson: What?
Frodo: Not you i meant Peter Jackson
Sauron: You dare speak his name!!
Peter Jackson: Your fired!

Frodo: *holding up ring* Sam, will you marry me?

Uruk-hai: Hobbits are friends, NOT food.

Sauron: Frodo, I am your fa--nevermind.