"I can't find it."
REALLY MEANS "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work."
REALLY MEANS "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
REALLY MEANS "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing."
REALLY MEANS "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
REALLY MEANS "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain."
REALLY MEANS "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
REALLY MEANS "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
REALLY MEANS "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
REALLY MEANS "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
REALLY MEANS "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
REALLY MEANS "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
REALLY MEANS "You want me to stay awake."

"It's really a good movie."
REALLY MEANS "It's got guns, knives, fast cars and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is."
REALLY MEANS " I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
REALLY MEANS: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal."
REALLY MEANS "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
REALLY MEANS "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
REALLY MEANS "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?"
REALLY MEANS "What did you catch me at?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists."
REALLY MEANS "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
REALLY MEANS "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit."
REALLY MEANS "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
REALLY MEANS "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you."
REALLY MEANS "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
REALLY MEANS "No one will ever see us alive again."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
REALLY MEANS "I like you as much as I like my truck."

"We share the housework."
REALLY MEANS "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

Female Language Patterns

"Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up.

(NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

"Five Minutes"
This is approximately half an hour. It is roughly equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

"Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "Five Minute" discussion that will end with the word, "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "Do what you want; I don't give a damn." You will get a raised-eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine!" She will then talk to you in about "Five Minutes, " after she cools off.

"Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men, a "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing."

"Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

"Oh"
This word - followed by any statement - is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised-eyebrow "Go Ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable
that I can't bring myself to write about them.)

"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man." That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "fine" and in conjunction with a raised-eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say, "You're welcome."

"Thanks A LOT"
"Thanks A LOT" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Why computers should be referred to in the masculine gender:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
   

Why computers should be referred to in the feminine gender:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

How Dogs and Men Are Alike
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are colorblind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

Why Dogs are Better Than Women
1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don't criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hrs a day.
10. Dogs don't cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
20. A dog's parents never visit.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

There was this "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you
went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door read: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please."