MEN are from 
WOMEN are from 
Have you heard about this woman who took her mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. She is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.
The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the
wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the
head and badly hurt.
Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow.
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair??"
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved man: come my good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law. "Yes, I know...that's why I'm crying."
A man was leaving for his office in the morning when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse. About 50 feet Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking in a single line.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said "Sir, I know ! now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
Man: "Haven't we met before ?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before ?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty ?"
Woman: "Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock ?"
Man: "Your place or mine ?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number
?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living ?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under ?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign ?"
Woman: "Do not enter."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning
?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for
the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah ! Let's pick up some chicks !"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you - to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die
happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the
hot spots ?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon ?"
Woman: "Why ? Don't you think I'm pretty now ?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good ! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for
you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there ?"
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or
get married and wish you were dead."
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish
you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied,
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.
A young woman is widowed after only a few years of marriage, and it is
not long before her friends begin to ask if she is thinking of marrying
again.
"Right now, no," the young woman answers. "I've hardly
begun to enjoy using the remote control."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second
guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day - I divorced her."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he harries her? Dad:
That happens in every country, son.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.
The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
At a silver wedding anniversary the husband was standing in one corner
looking very sad. "What's the matter?" asked his friend.
"Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my
wife, but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years. Now I realise that
today I would have been a free man."
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you
remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk
for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the
happiest hour of my life."
When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities - she is an
economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in
bed. After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in
the same order - she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the
living room and an economist in bed.
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?"
Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
The best definition of mixed feeling is, when your mother-in-law borrows your new Rolls-Royce and she drives it off the cliff.
If you want a perfect stereo for your car then let your wife sit in the front and your mother-in-law in the back.
Two friends met. "You look sad, Fred, what's the trouble?"
asked the first friend.
"Domestic trouble." "But you always bragged that your wife
is a pearl."
"She still is. It's the mother-of-pearl that makes all the
trouble."
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
Save water.
Shower with your girl friend.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
the wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Love is photogenic It needs darkness to develop.
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who
would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.
How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says or they both last about
60 seconds.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable.
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think
of?
Dating children.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the
time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
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