Please  note that the local bank is installing new drive-thru cash point machines, so that customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility, the  following
instructions have been drawn up.

MALE  PROCEDURE

1     Drive up  to cash machine.
2     Wind down  car window.
3     Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4     Enter  amount of cash required and withdraw.
5     Retrieve  card, cash and receipt.
6     Wind up  window.
7     Drive  off.

FEMALE  PROCEDURE

1     Drive up  to cash machine
2     Reverse  back the required amount to align car window to machine
3     Re-start  stalled engine
4     Wind down  car window
5     Find  handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate  card
6     Turn  radio down
7     Attempt  to insert card into machine
8     Open car  door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9     Insert  card
10    Re-insert  card the right way up
11    Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12    Enter  PIN
13    Press  cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14    Enter  amount of cash required
15    Check  make up in rear view mirror
16    Retrieve  cash and receipt
17    Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash  inside
18    Place receipt in back of check book
19    Re-check make-up again
20    Drive  forwards 2 meters
21    Reverse  back to cash machine
22    Retrieve  card
23    Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card  into the slot provided
24    Give  appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind
25    Restart  stalled engine and pull off
26    Drive for  2 to 3 miles
27    Release  handbrake

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

This guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself  to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless clean. And so's the rest of the house.                  
                                                                           
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you." He is extremely puzzled now. So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast, fresh  newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.                 
                                                                           
Father (F): "Son, what happened yesterday?"                      
                                                                           
Son (S): "Oh, the usual.? You came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave mom a black eye."                                                
                                                                           
(F): "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and the food is on the table?"                                                
                                                                           
(S): "Oh that!? Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said "Bitch! Leave me alone, I am married!"