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Windows (January '99)
Eyes bright with laughter
Eyes bright with irony
Eyes darkened by the hereafter
No eyes this time to guide me
Blind, in a womb of darkness,
Softly, a touch
Bewildered, in a world of dream-time
An unanswerable image seen
Emotions, once distinct
Trade places, names or faces
As if to confuse me
My steps, now sure, now slippery
Stumble as question after question
Leave bright traces on my mind
Searching for answers I cannot find
Alone, twisting in solitude
I dream of contact
For dream is all I can do
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The sweet sickly tang of sweat
Masked by aftershave
The consciousness of how they watch
The fastness of their gaze/
All cut off
As if belonging to another
Emasculated
As if I don't want to bother
Matched by sensations
Twisted in reverse
I think it must be suppression
Subconscious fed up of the hurt
Pushed everything so far down
I'm going backwards
Words I don't want to blurt
But my conscious mind,
It needs something
The jarring agony
To remind me I am human
Reminds me of the opposite
The reverse of the worst
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Where is my sweet circle of friends?
Who call unbidden
By guilt or other means.
Who call.
Sick of the emptiness
That's never ever filled
Masked by webs of fantasy
Never ever fulfilled
Nor transcended to flesh
Sick of the isolation
Trapped,
In this four by four of skin
So sick I'm nearly thinking
I could also pass away and die
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Gentle as the hand that strokes my head
She whispers softly in my ear
A voice I have known for ever
To me she has always been there
Though she warns me she will go soon
I often wonder where
For we are the ones to leave the room
She watches
The whirlwind of change blusters by
She lets it go
With only a moment of ill ease
And turns to order her world
Dim photos of an age ago
For her are vivid with actions
Undarkened by the years
In memory
Like an oak,
Her stillness is a constant reverie
As if she listens
For a voice I cannot hear
That gives her strength
A strength I do not share
Though I bend to pick the object
Fallen from her grasp
Except for a moment in her smile.
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I see a figure in the mists,
I see his voice, I see his love,
But not his love for me.
The forest, like a people,
Gathers round, moves in close
As if circling for the kill
And the shadows all have faces
Ghostly victims? ... I shudder still
I see the stars, explosive little suns
I see their secret messages
As yet, read by none
For I may fly where other fear to tread
Or can I? The mists darken
The voices of memory become a cacophony
A unison of dread
Gravity beckons, shuts out the smile,
Pain clouds my vision,
Silences shouts me to death.
A swirl of images
I stumble, scramble lest...
We forget
Shadows sharpen, eyes may focus,
Yet, an echo of an echo,
The faintest whisper I am left
'Remember' someone says.
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The Wind like a companion
As he has been through many days
Sets leaves fluttering in stymied escape
Or laughing it sometimes seems
The train hollers in the distance
Speeds by with grumpy lack of grace
To deadlines never fulfilled
But I am still unbothered
Things are as they are meant to be
In a pure bright blue sky
I could live for ever
If the son shone
If birds still sang
Or the breezes brought a taste of the green
Till then I must live wherever
Till this moment comes back to me
I like to think, in such days as these
Souls in heaven look and smile at me
And that God in his infinite wisdom
Chose these moments to speak
Or may be whisper 'let be'
No pastoral visions
Open my eyes
Like those Theocritus has seen
No shepherd am I waxing lyrical to sheep
Just here right now in my garden
I know that someone loves me.
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Tall, well, taller than me
She seems to consider the world
Exasperatedly
And then, with a smile,
In terms too crude to speak
She loves, she hates, she BORES
All with restless extreme
She paces up and down a cage
That only she can see
Fierce as a lion oh my sister
With hair to match
And friends who dare not displease
She roars!
Oh my dear sweet sister
You're far too easy to tease
Of course,
She says the same thing to me
My sister, warrior brave,
My sister, the artist,
Yet of boredom the slave,
My sister, violent of rage,
My sister, always centre stage,
My sister silent almost never
Oh my sister she is always not the same.
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I am...restless
Trapped in the dance of days
Longing to reach out of the maze
Of what must be done
And what has gone
With no way to make anew
Yet still surrounded by love
Dreams of times past flutter by
I watch another adolescent teen fiction
Make out on screen
I wonder why
Mine was a silent battleground of pain
No fantasies of love
Blossoming from mind to real
Whatever the hurt you feel
Yet still I was loved
Why was it not enough?
Why is it still not enough?
The comfort of home
Distilled into a pleasant haze
Does not block out the future/past
Nor the lack of meeting mind
Even for a little way
The phone rings in brief reprieve
Dwelling briefly in the here and now
Moving through moments
Longing for the crowd
And I am loved
It will be enough, for now.
Past times were neither black or white
Easy to forget the childish delight
Among the many shades of grey
If I did not play those games of love then
I shall play them in the future some day.
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Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder...
But only for a while
Then I lost my focus
Failed to turn to God
Floundering I sought the goal
But my focus was contrived
Kept waiting at the station
The train never arrived
Now, I am left in ritual
My appearance gives a lie
Nothing left to hide
Goal lost, passed over, I see
With retrospect nonetheless wise
No need for focus
If many meetings of minds
But lost from the focus,
Or the web seeing eye to eye
My body got distorted
Created images/emotions that lie
Distortions of nature
Well, at least of mine
My prayers were not answered
Because they were not wise
Can only suppress symptoms
Cure comes from inside
And the symptoms still linger
Need to redirect the energy
Till the space and time
Return to unity, normality
It will be a while
But till then, I am a little cleaner
Inside
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Spells of desire
Bewitch me once again
Skies spun of silver
Re-echo my pain
Alone in a world full of people
What greater magic can one claim?
Save maybe companionship so deep
One is never lonely again.
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Restless/Paralysed
Floating in a sea of/
Dead flowers shrivel in my hand
Dwarflike, I see the glow of heat
The warmth on arm and leg
Caress the rough smoothness of sheet
Hot water, heart beat
Lingering/speeding
Trapped and unchained
Moving in arhythmic dancing spasms
Sleepless, jittery, yet I cannot awake
Bedrock? Or storm tossed seas?
Darkness shades to light
When all else fades
Look at the clock,
Sit tight
Wringing our?selves through the dryer
Searching for calm and tears
Who's anger? Mysterious fears
And all the while
Chill/ fried
Scrambled brain con eggs
Sleep. Dead.
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Pen dances on paper
Carelessly flowing through words messily
No expectations,
Just a private fight
Who will win?
Words or useless memory
Laying money? Unfortunately
I drift in the dark
Praying to an unseen god
What need have I of sight
If I have his love
You doat on me old fool
Father time, living counting seconds
Rocks me close to his heart
Where is reality?
Next stop but one
Take the one before I get off
Who? - Drifting...Broken Heart
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Hearts filled with friendship
But only half a member of the group
Distance is still distance
Though cause innocent or cruel
Wet by honest tears
I am left appalled
By the old invisible suppression
So over-used I don't notice it at all
I feel like I have missed a limb
Only just noticing it was gone
Anaesthetised by
Seconds turned hours, turned out
Trying to count every moment
Like a man counting sand grains on a beach
Have they suddenly run out?
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Empty/ Switching moods without pausing
Everything's too late
Deed's done
I can't wait too see her/ I don't want to leave
Split the grief and the joy
Crying inside yet the laughter
I strangely still real
Guilt – light stab – crossed by deeper
Trying not to weep
But that's too responsible of me
Keep repressing/repeating the need to feel
Suppression a division, not a cloud
Not lying, just surviving
Split personality
Suddenly overwhelmingly
I cannot feel a thing
Can't tell if I really want to
Or if it's protecting me
From something oh so painful
I'd loose control of me
The pain still with me
Isolated, unreachable
Like a stone in my stomach
Or a bullet in the brain
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You made your decision
Well maybe I've made mine
Maybe both of us were selfish
But I never made you cry
Maybe we weren't suited
But I was always prepared to try
You make decisions
In ways I'll never know
But I'm just glad to think that
Whatever I've lost of your future
Of the past I don't need to let go
Things are never perfect
But as time goes by
I don't distil hatred
It is easier to smile
And if you would ever want to
You're welcome to drop by.
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What makes you think I couldn't just waste away
From just a single word
That someone might say
That I would not fall and fail
It's hard to see what life was like
I was so different then
But there are powerful glimpses
Every time I feel lonely again
I can't shut out the feeling
Separation, Isolation, Outcast, if free
I was content in a way
Waiting to let myself be
This person that you see now
When I'm walking down the street
But that person she's still half actress
Whatever her disdainful gaze
Preening like a peacock
Hoping you'll play the game
And forget to notice she's still a coward
Still afraid to name names.
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Haunted by old ghosts
I cannot turn in a single direction
Without reminders
That this is my home
Don't think I can take
A single goodbye more
It wounds me to say
I won't see you again
To be lead to the door
To shut it out of my life
My heart is given over to breaking
Everywhere I look
Refuses to be silent
I leave with no hope of return
To what was, is, in my mind
But I cannot even stay!
Places, connected to faces,
Now already gone
And I am really alone
Walking in limbo
That only reflects
And does not bring back again
I am really looking at the past
With graveside sentimentality
As if there was no pain here
For you, for me,
I find I am careless
Of the dark that was also here
Hanging on to the growing maturity
It became my world
And now it is gone.
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All I wanted was a little conversation
Relax amid the sea
Of comfortable boredom
Surrounded by semi strangers
Who are still as family
Protected from sexual confrontation
Safe to sleep
An earthquake suddenly erupts
Molehills have exploded into mountains
Innocence corrupts
Spent too long dancing spellbound
Words creating dream reality
Lost hold of the present
Lost hold of who is me
Time passes, I am still not free
All my life is waiting, waiting waiting
Not just that, but living in uncertainty
A ton of lead or a ton of feathers,
packed in suffocating scores
Which is heavier, hurts the more?
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And I? I lost you, a single friend,
Can you dare to count those you discarded
With a royal wave
Spiritual practicality? You lie
Your silence not just truth unblunted
Violent, rich with pain
I try with iron grip to remember
What great good you could be
But I find I am struggling uphill
Climbing a smooth cliff of ice
Or working against probability
A few whispered words of comfort
Cannot find the angel
You never rescued me
What drove you to hate me this much?
I have better reason
But while I choose not to take it
Your angry snatch hints at a greater evil.
Spilt Milk and Aftershave 11th August '99
Drowning, scrabbling for air
Gasping,/over Oxygen poisoned
Trapped on all sides/
Directionless, Aimless, free?
Causeless, unfocussed hatred, pain
Trying not to turn to the angel
Drowning again
Savouring sensation
Nothing else to gain
Am I really drowning?
Not ready to check
Reality, the safety net
Is gone
Arc of sky, window to my dreams
But only for a moment
Clouded over, no-one seems
To see the eternal twilight I live in
Someone give me peace
No distractions, no reactions, no interactions,
Just me
Downward spiral of self pity
Do I really need to be
Caught limbo dancing
Trapped between
Agoraphobic? Isthatme?
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A time before sleeping
Drifting, heart beat patters
Breathing faintest flutters
Deep, yet before the dream
Colours rich forest
Waters of the deep
Sea monsters flying, I
Cannot tell the wonders
I may have seen
I remember
Distance untrammelled by space, wait
Brief moment of thought
Lingers, shifts, dwindles
I cannot see/ hearing voices?
Please answer me
Love rumbles, a deep need
Tumbled by the thief
Emotions coloured like the forest
As many as the leaves
Who can I say is ready
Better drift to sleep
I remember
Child's first cry
Mother's link
Intuition, not allowed to be
Open to the truth
Falsehood dances in a dream
Spellbound, I try to feel
A sense of what cannot be
Common sense on the rebound
Nothing left but me
I remember
But who is me?
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Time dances
Winnowing even these few images to dust
Leaving only empty space
Then, what dreams will come
Will there be only empty space
This jumbled image
It had no bitterness, or pain
That I remember remembering
Though now it is but a name
Just a mixture of memories
And odd elements of day dream
I drift, wandering what its significance
What such a dream bred though may mean
Perhaps I'm going too deep
A dream is just a dream
I suddenly wax cynical
The answers are irrelevant
Night's creatures are never what they seem
Except it says that once and some place
I saw that lover's gleam.
Spiraling down to dust
Devolving back to some evil ancestress
Some lesser form of self
Lacking confidence
Lacking any brighter quality at all
But now?
A high voice asks playfully
Now I thank God
Riding on a thermal updraft
Reaching for the heights
But do I reach too high?
For now, I enjoy a smile.
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Turning to read your own thoughts
Mirrored in each other's eyes
Unity of feeling
Symbiotic, parasitic? Symbolic of love
You can't think wrong of another
Because your own life's incredibly right
Touching, being touched
Watching being watched
When all you do is smile
How can I be smothered
Unless I'm smothering him?
He says he's breathing freely
Though his heart jumps
When I'm to be seen
I would give my life if he asked it
But neither of us ever will
We are not two people
Even in silence, I hear him still
Twist: (combination, 2nd October)
Living in each other's pockets
Feeling ground
Down to dust
People used to say
Selfishly sharing and loosing all
Nothing left of me
To make anything of
Lost that sense of who I am
To become indivisible one
And I think that it's all your fault
Maybe once, you got and gave
Turning to read each other's thoughts
Mirrored in each other's eyes
But now there isn't a single thing you haven't taken
Unity of feeling
Stolen away
What ever hold you have over me
Symbiotic, parasitic?
I'll break each and every one of them
You're like a spider's web
Spiraling over my heart
Symbolic of love
But this time sorry honey dinner's terminally late
You're so blind I wish I could see
You can't think wrong of another
Because your own life's incredibly right
I need to destroy all those memories
Touching, being touched
Watching being watched
Trying to use up all my rage
So one day thinking of you
When all you do is smile
Feeling nothing at all
Waiting for the emotions to turn cold now
How can I be smothered
No love or hate, just pure indifference
Till then I can't look you in the eye
Or stare at your foolish face
Unless I'm smothering him
He says he's breathing freely
Still carving a space for myself in my heart
Though his heart jumps
When I'm to be seen
Gave up self to be one with you once
I would give my life if he asked it
But neither of us ever will
You don't burn, you can't burn
So I think now such a pity
We are not two people
Wish I'd stopped to ask, one what?
Even in silence, I hear him still
Wre wright: (song lyrics) 26th September '99
Feeling ground
Down to dust
Nothing left of me
To make anything of
Lost that sense of who I am
And I think it's all your fault
Maybe once you got and gave
But right now there isn't a single thing
You haven't taken
Or stolen away
But I'm taking it back
Right here, right now,
Won't take none of your foolish ways
I want to spit in your faces
I pound with so much hate
But one of these days
I'll run out of pain
And then I'll know that it's over
Whatever holds
You had over me
I'll break each and every one of them
You're like a spider's web
Spiralling over my heart
But this time sorry honey
Dinner's terminally late
I'm taking it back
Everything that you owe
Won't spare you a single bill
I want to pound in your face
I burn with so much hate
So that one of these days you'll learn
You're so blind, I wish I could see
I need to destroy all these memories
Trying to use up my rage
So there's nothing left
So one day thinking of you
I'll be feeling nothing at all
So I'm taking it back
With a sense that it has
To make some sense somewhere
You have no right to anything of mine
Payback's good but getting even is better
You don't burn, you can't burn so I think now
Pity is the sweetest revenge
Waiting for the emotions to turn cold now
No love or hate, just pure indifference
Till then I can't look you in the eye
Or stare at your foolish face
Still carving a space for myself in my heart here
Gave up self to be one with you once
Wish I'd stopped to ask, one what?
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Heedless, heartlesss, sharp and caustic
She has made me proud
But she thinks nothing of me
And I am reduced to weakness
I cannot stand her withering gaze
Nor remind myself how little
Such opinions should mean to me
I do not wonder she has any friends
For she is passionate, bright
Like a moth-drawing flame
She can share confidences, entertain
But not with me, for me she is often pain
In her wake my life shatters
The not so golden bubble
Rendered harsh and comfortless
My hard won confidence
Destroyed with empty space
The lack of greeting
Lack of meeting
Lack of love
What am I waiting for?
An image in my mind
Of the good times melded together
Into a single continuous smile
Not a real person but a pretty lie
Old habits die hard
Keep on looking up
When I should, not look down
But not look at all.
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Yet, I know every inch
Every molecule a passing memory
And the ghosts that walk through murmuring
I know each and every one
As I could not in that other, now long gone to me
Its past is living in that room
But somehow the future cannot come in
Though it carried me from the cradle till the now and here
I dream not of the beginning, but the end
Beg to break out
Through the knife edged splinters of memory
The scratches heal and fade and leave me
Times past both strong and weak
Their holds transient but kept hidden deep
Give birth to self anew.
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I can see the look in my eyes
Every morning in the mirror
Why should I be surprised
I'm bitter
No reason to smile
The answers have escaped me
And this is not the first time
Friendship only exists in empty spaces
Or on a telephone line
Well at least these conversations
Aren't one long excuse
For not being here with me
Distance physical or mental
What does the difference matter
If you're aching again
Emotional hypochondria
Building up, to spill over the edge
I am eaten up by wordless fears
Maybe I just reflect my world, my path
Spinning out of control
Shaken by obscure forces
Random as Chance's dances
Flip and win or fail
Does it matter?
Wicked laughter
How can I not fail?
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Dancing to different tunes
Speaking in silences
I wish you could know
What I am feeling
And you would come right now
Weeping into coffee
I never used to drink
Always been too bitter for me
Not sure if I want to carry on this way
Dancing in imaginary streets
I no longer understand my dreams
Waking world clouded over
No escape for me
Trying too hard to breathe
Whispers of denial, mockery of a smile
First lessons in hate and jealousy
Another thing
I never used to be
Spells of discontent, resentment
Burning to the bone
I can't seem to see the bigger picture
Who am I to expect a living of the world
To answer my beck and call
That doesn't stop me feeling that way
Feel like I'm at my own funeral
Keeping the vigil through the night
In the morning the priest will say words over me
While I also stand by and cry
I feel like I'm at my own deathbed
Waiting for me to die
Looking into my own eyes
Trying not to sigh
Maybe I'm just looking in the mirror
Maybe I have a life through there
Maybe life's always one big funeral
And I've only just noticed I'm there
Lost direction
Lost affection
The ability to care
Patience what is needed
Don't know if I dare
Only know I cannot wish the world goodnight
Promised to try and be there
I can't.
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And I wish that I could thank you
For what it means to me
Not just a tingle on my senses
But restored faith in sexuality
After a storm that made new damage
Skin deep
Were you watching me?
As we carried on our journeys
Did you really look at me that way?
Maybe it was just a dream
You look so young to me
But even if it wasn't real
I felt like I was loved
For once it wasn't disturbing
Not making me guilty
Didn't feel wrong
I would still like to thank you
For the turn of your eyes
Whatever you were looking at
I loved dreaming they were mine
And one day, maybe some day soon
Two dreams will synchronise
But for now I can day dream
That it is you, gentle one, and I.
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Compassionless, sharp/
Pain compounded, vicious rasp
Cuts so deep, butcher's knife
Life looses meaning
How can she hate me so?
When she has automatic claim on my love
She laughs a proud laugh
Cannot even summon will enough to gasp
Caustic, quick/
Fumbling, blink
A pointless conflict
Desperate for violence
Communicate pain
Again I am weapon-less
Cannot live with the deed
Left with only needle pricks – words
Blind, proud/
Selfless, cowed
How can she not see
The trap of life I live in?
Never seen outside her own
But perhaps
That is cruelty
If so, not one she would feel
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Daydreaming of old confidence
The burning wings of the angel
Seems so long ago
Too childish to use anew
Not fit for the fight
Never have been before
Had a spine once, though
Just a wreck, a half thing
Needing to be rebuilt
Not always dark
Not always light
Look between, be wise
If I stand alone I stand alone
If I don't only one way to go
Direction just somehow hard to see
But I will see it
Can't be blind for ever
Breathe
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