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Silent now, tongue stilled
Pen glides at thoughts will
I am but an echo
Transitory state
Waiting for spring
Is it just
Time passes
Memory fades
Patience fails
I give, I smile
I wish, Pause a while
When do I get to start?
No wail, not a whisper
In seeking, must have missed her
Whoever I should have been
Tall, in progress, finished
I took the stages
Sat in the train
Missed the station
Staying here
Where
Is the smooth straight path
She of virtue comes home first
But only if you know your own mind
Or so I've heard
Wheel turns
Puzzle with only one master
And only one key, love
Unfinished unformed
Dreaming unborn
Frustration reward
Future applause
Brash/ Matter of Fact
Knowing no lack
Fountains and all that
Superior crap
Soul lost and laboured
Time off for good behaviour
Not
Watches and wavers
Thus so I bade her
Lost
Actions come later
Waiting has
Opened doors
Heard best
Time to last request
Typing chord
Been
Left.
I've tasted the dark
I know how it sucks you in
When you're so empty
You'd fill it with anything
Just to feel
When everything's so wrong
You can't even begin
You were supposed to be the sensible one
To rescue me
How can you sit there
And eat yourself away
Does it mean nothing that I want you here?
"How can you say that"
You'd say
"Every day I'm still here,
It's not for me"
But I feel your death on my tongue
Like a presentiment of future grief
And I feel weak
Not
"Where you go I will go"
But
"Where you're going
I can't follow"
I always thought
I was the poor reflection
That I had the standards too high
It seems to me
You leave no room for affection
For anything to sustain
Where do you go for a second opinion
I know mine isn't good enough
Would you listen if I found a solution
That's something I want to believe
But I think you're just waiting in this world
You feel you're not made for it at all
Why when you're the worldly wise
When I'm the innocent
Is it just I still have faith
There's good left here
It's not just a child's dream
Share it, please,
And hope.
I want it
But I can't get it
Even where I could
Wouldn't like where I got it
So I just turn away
Maybe I don't really want it
Desire is suppressed here
Not quite human
Not quite real
Can't seem to think straight
This waxing, waning warping need
Full moon rises
I'm not up to see
Mind clouded over
Choking it seems
When I see something real
I'll be sure to let you know
But I haven't been around
Long enough to tell
Unfixed obsession
Greed
Own my own thoughts
Too loud
But I'm not dark
Just empty, asleep
When will the alarm go off?
I see you
Endlessly repeating
Do I want to
Look
Or is it just
Familiar face
But not
Or something else
You do what you can to help
Can you help it if you don't know
Young, excited, overconfident
Remember who you are and what you do
You're not some kind of fool
This is a job so work at it
This is not your life
It's out of your control
You don't have to go there
You just note it down
Record
You should be used to
Watch, not play
This is not about you
This is someone else's day
Put your ego to the torch now
Forget the puzzles of yesterday
They will be yours again soon
But for now, wait.
We scatter ourselves around
Hand out pieces to the crowd
But everything comes down to this
A simple pair of eyes
Watching and waiting
And waiting a little more
Hoping it all works out
Oh
I often wished to grow older
But I never thought out how
They say all the answers
Are at our finger tips
Maybe one day I’ll read them out
Beyond yesterday, today or tommorow
Another day alive.
It hurts to think at all
And you hurt me more than most
I hope it never comes to fruition
You plan to liberate me
What is, what is this?
Who are, who are you?
What will, be will be, and,
Other quoted nonsense
That you use
I hate myself for having
Rotted away like this
Lost the spark that made knowledge
The ultimate must have
Move, move on
Do, come on
Be greater than the stars
You’ve been there once before
Who are, who are you?
Where, where will you
What, what will you do when you get there
I really don’t know
How, how will you know it’s right
Too many questions and ansers
I used to know
Now I’m stuck in regression
Time to, get OUT
And I watched you
Didn’t mean to
From the moment that I noticed
Noticing you
All I ever seemed to do
Was try not to see you
Try not to know you
Pace this cage we’re in
Seems like a rerun of adolescence
Look, don’t touch
But I never got much further
At least in my heart
My life is a space waiting to happen
You’re just something to hold on to
To be less alone
This time I think you looked back
Maybe you didn’t see anything
Worth the getting to know
Always turning away
This isn’t my place
I’m not here for long
I can’t quite gain the strength
To reach.
I thought it was safe
Nostalgia
Delight in what is new
But I don't belong here
I don't have a place
I smile and it's a real thing
Past and your presence
The way you simply accept me
You know and knew me
You understand things
I've been waiting to find
But I can't go back
I can't stay here
Nothing holds me down
Memories are too static
They scream of what is gone.
When will this be over
Or will this be over never
I chose to speak
I chose to reject
And in rejection suffer
Whatever the rejected feel
Do all my life's works build to this
A half grasped glance
Scattered words of conversation
A mild tug
Never anything to love
Building a house that isn't there
Waiting for the dawn to break
Only for it to have already gone.
Reduced to this eggshell of life
Bird bones beneath my arm fearsomely fragile
Lead where she would rather not go
She murmurs, faintly laughs,
Half asleep in the sun
An echo of stories once told
Energy that over flowed
I wonder how much of it they have stolen
And how much loss is hers
Do we all fade like this
Does time steal till there is nothing left
I wish she didn't seem like she were already gone
More like him
Time cartwheeled in reverse
His mind, slowed and simplified
But eyes, sky blue,
Bright with long lost youth,
Eyes that still smile
But I missed you tonight
Nervous inside
Anticipating
Paranoid
What do you think of me
But when I think of you
I can’t bring myself to do
Anything when I’m about to go
Even though not far away
Wont see you no more
No point in this
There never is I think
Find someone and then there’s leaving
Him or you
Just wish there could be something
Before we get to that part
All I get is waiting
All I have is hope
I dream in seascape
Vivid and limitless
I dance in lust
But what will become of you?
Red gold majesty
And deep
Whales float belly up
Who says what goes
Knee dept of sleep
Don’t ask me
Now I rise
Supported on every side
Human, sane, loved
But I still don’t know where I’m going
The path to that is long
And the fear of never finding it
Whispers ‘go back’
But another voice of memory reminds
‘That was wrong’
Exaggeration to say I never smiled
Too dark to say I wept through it all
Foolish to suggest no-one loved me
But their distance from me was long
Home was friendly territory
But I could not weep in anyone’s arms
Further away I could have told them
But I left them alone
And the papers piled higher
No moment my own
Planning for ever second
Do I draw breath? Point 1.
And then suddenly it weighed on me
One feather too much
I thought terrible crazy things
I wished that I was gone
That there would be no more of me
Never to feel the sun
And though I never stepped on from that
I could almost touch it
Blades glinted in sunlight
Cars winked to give a push
Though I still feel uncertainty
In that moment I knew wrong
I cannot have those thoughts again
I will not live half gone
Twisting in myriad lonely thoughts
Unable to control them
Strength shattered beyond repair
With no time to stop
Going and going and moving on
Kept putting foot in front of the other
But never a look at the sun
I never saw the road or sky
Or where I had come from.
But it beat me, it broke me, it took away my cloak
Without one word
They met me in the foothills
They came and took my hand
Promised to guide and understand me
But each nightfall I was alone
But it beat me, it broke me, it took away my cloak
Just by standing there
So I would wait for each sunrise
Companionship waited there
But then we started on the mountain
And I was once again just one
But it beat me, it broke me, it took away my cloak
Without one word
As I started to struggle
They threw me a rope
But they did not say how long it was
Nor showed me the top
Always one more rope
But it beat me, it broke me, it took away my cloak
Just by standing there
So they tore away my clothing
As if reaching for my hand
Threw me tiredness for a coat
Weighted me with worry
Oiled the rope
But it beat me, it broke me, it took away my cloak
Without one word
And I gave up asking for the summit
Or looking at what went before
I kept climbing
As if there was only mountainside
And hope was gone
But it beat me, it broke me, it took away my cloak
Just by standing there
And as I turned from the mountain
A shiver of vertigo
The world was only mountains
But now there was hope
That one of the summits was my heaven
Even if I don’t know where to go.
Oh let me these things unsaid unsay
Potent, not escape
Silent like you know
Doubt so many, many things
Is this real?
Do I breathe?
Tell me, do.
I know so many, many things
Let me count the worth
Paid in waiting, sorrow, growth
Twisting spiral
I look through the mist at you
Am I looking for protection
Advice I’m only human
Or do I see through?
Can’t take more suffering
Mine or whoever I might meet,
You.
Surface masks are all I wear
Nothing runs deep
Except this sorrow
Rooted in the heart of me
All I say is silence
And all I wear is masks
All I am is nothing
All I am is dark
So smile and spit my bitter pills
Into the face of others
Caring not the ills
What does it matter
What does it say
When all I do is naught
The world is only nothing
And all my work not
I spill my blood carelessly
As if to leave some sign of passing
Some bread crumbs on the road
Some sense that I have left a gift here
Something of my time will not be gone
I starve, fast, err
Human, not divine
Pearl, not swine.