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In here where once a direction lived
With thoughts I don’t share
How can anyone be lonely
In their own head
I spill my secrets
But I don’t care
Only wish I felt with my audience
Gave them without request
It’s like living in a wound
That doesn’t go
And every time you see it
It splits open.
Numb
It all seems so hollow
My eyes are dry
My heart cold
Soon, rain will come
I.I.I know you were a candle burned low
But I wold have fought to keep it lit
If you had wanted it so
Tell me, will I dream of you made young?
Telling stories, as long ago?
Bright, light, electric show
I do not think or feel
That it's all over
But I can't touch you any more
Or get that static shock
As when last I touched your hollowed cheek
Shrinking back to your bones
Eyelids that fluttered o'er eyes that barely saw
Wriggling where you lay so still
Mouth that opened like a bird
Half swallowed by bed and cover
Rather would I remember how
You hurried hither thither
Telling stories, bringing things to show
Printing patterns in metal
Languages limbering your tongue
Dressing us for places
I have yet to go
Smiles and jokes and laughter
And most of all love
Humour me 31st January ‘02
Caramel lips
Sudden flits
Of thoughts
Rushing through my head
Need to know
Or at least I thought so
Then, as not now,
Thinking fevered/fast
I burn/shiver-ed the night away
Am I now burnt out?
Answer looses meaning
When action’s ruled out
Feeling melted away?
I am left with questioning
My own heart
Fickle, futile feeling
Burned,
To keep out the dark
Thirsted,
To turn from harm
Now I let the dark in
And the fire out.
I can't think what to say
I can't even look back
I can't think to the future
Or even just wonder why
I got into this mess
There are no good excuses
For the lack of feeling that I feel
I'm not playing games here
But it may well be fear
I don't know whether you need to know
What this is
But it's not something I can explain
Or maybe i don't want to try
And fail and fail and fail and fail
It all just adds up
Adds up to something I'm not willing to do
When I asked I was willing
And now I'm just not
Now you're a past forgiven
Or something I can't tell
Cos it's not my head
Not my place I can't question
I can't speak to you
And so you can't answer
I could give you whatever's in my head
But it's not too much to see
I could give you a part of this
But it would be meaningless
Meaningless, like my whole existence
Or so I say on a bad day
You go and you aren't going
And you're gone and you're gone
But you aint leaving yet
Can't you leave me alone?
You're gone and you're gone and you're gone
Buried in the ground.
What I remember of you
Is not to be found
Not here or anywhere that I can reach.
Wherever you may go I cannot see you,
Though I may feel your love
And maybe it's not you there
Cradled in the earth,
But all of you that was here
That's all that's left
All you are is memories,
Shifting as the sand,
Yet all it takes is one small thing
And it's like you're dead again
And you ARE gone,
Again and again,
And you are gone
With my head I know you can never leave me
Never be lost
But my heart only knows now
And suffers 'cause you're gone
From your not being here, in this place
Smiling like a song
Dancing in my eyes
Bytes that mean nothing
I am not a machine
Though I may pass for one, now
Input, output, get through fast
As fast as I can
And get out
With brain intact
Look at this one, unused
Half price!
And when I tried to tell you
You had gotten there first
You're a repeating record
And I'm the phone machine
Nobody's home any more
No need to tell me it wouldn't work
It's life's pretty system
Stand at the sidelines
Or step out for a sideorder of hurt
So I spoke
So I took my courage in both hands
So I said some things
So?
So you're nice about it
So it wouldn't work
Don't want you any more
But I did want the hope.
All but gone a generation turned to dust
O give me them back to me again but one more day
That I may tell them love
Over and over again
A thousand thousand ways
Though you may say they knew
That it has been said
Old grief wakes to new grief
If they may not return
Let me see them when I too am dust
And not know the wait between
Though I would not hasten that day
I do not wait,
As they, deathless now, do not wait,
All the others remaining I shall love
For love shall unite us
Death can hold no sway
Love is endless
However feeling may fade
Not a moments delightful joy
Nor one life long
Not the innocently coy
Nor every other kind.
Cut one way or the other
So I choose this instead
To cut you dead
In silence derive
A hard shell
When I catch sight of you
Out of the corner of my eye
I hate that you are there
Because I won't look at you
Ever.
Come let us unmask your pursuers
Grant every fear form
And I will cut them all to peaces
Done and dusted/ Gone away
Or, let us wrap them
Tiny parcels covered in childish paper
Lock them in boxes
And drown them one by one
Or some other neat metaphor
I can't lift a finger
Like the paralysed man
I can give you no comfort
While you go masked in shame
Do you perforce shrink smaller
To make some missable target
For the slings and arrows of fortune
Or to spare me some agony
You can't spare me the hurt, love,
Nor any other pain
In your sweet haunted eyes, I have seen
With your bent over frame, you have shown
And I will suffer double for not knowing
Passing by in ignorance
Than that which I do suffer, knowing
And pretending all is fine
You cut me off with those knives
You purge me from the scene
I will not let you take it out
On anyone but me
I once saw those knife edges glinting
Traffic begging me
Wont you step from the cliff edge please
And at least look and see
We are all standing behind you
To pull you away.
I broke my own code.
Proud to have acted, stood up for self,
Not shivered sadly, in victimhood,
But nothing holds me now except her words,
Nothing except
Hope.
Well if everything is nothing
I will weave from it
A fire and purpose
And illustrate my own story
With all the colours of my mind
I will be my own creator
Cyclical, give birth to self
And you, blaming your honesty of hurt
For my pain
How would you even know?
Sitting there reading my electricised confessions
Never speaking, never asking me to be there
You don't want to know me
You never have
And I'm inventing reasons to hold on
I love you but when I say it
It just sounds so hollow
When there is no connection
Head to head
Who will I go to for advice
Who will straighten me out?
Well I guess I'll have to
You don't want to
Maybe you don't want me to get out.
Hunter of unwary grass blades
And the cunning autumn leaves
The armchair is his kingdom
The lap, his throne
We are all his courtiers
His subjects he owns
Also my comforter
When my spirits were low
My companion, when alone
Always pleased to see me
Whenever I return
Midnight or morning
Or lunching at home
But I can't shake the picture
His sides like stiff bellows
His breath rasping
His purr a croak
Reminder of my grandmother
Wondering, if and when she will go
Coming home to a house now emptied
Of such a little one
But oh how I loved him, old and young
Thoughts stumbling over his silences
Not begging me for food
Not padding through the hallway
Not purring when I stroke him
Like only this morning
Are all our deaths so sudden?
And yet so preordained?
Expected and yet so unsuspecting
A trap laid.
I wish he was home.
Take a task in hand
And follow it through
Blinded to the outside world
Just the me, the task, no you
Teaching numbers, letters order
One by one, to fall in line
Always, always mind is elsewhere
Thinking other nothing lines
Dozing in non sleep
Drawing lazily
Are they secret, coded diagrams?
Too complex to believe
Plan out things to say or do
And leave them all undone
Thoughts in here weigh nothing
And float off as soon as they are done
Mapping names, trades and faces
Meaningless to me
I pass through their enwebbed worlds
But sticky threads touch none
I am just a stranger, bar the odd one
The trail of attachment, cold
Assistant and helpmeet
Doer of odd jobs
But vagrant, still I am
Every day I hear the sound of movement
And think my number’s up
And yet, yet, yet,
I have come and I have purpose
Wakens sanity cool and hard
I have purpose somewhere
And it ripples on and on
Small sufferings loose meaning
Illusions of a mind lost
I reach out, remade strong
And feel an impulse returning
A sense that I belong
I've forgotten
How to Speak
Alway,
In retreat
Fingers move
In repeat
A cross legged buddha
But I'm not really here
Am I worth no more than this?
Some task for any who take it?
Am I just a lackey for the world?
Is that judas silver for me?
Why thankyou, two please.
I try, I try, I try,
I just keep on trying
Even when I can't see
Just try to think I can
I can tell you what a drug
Purpose can be
To have a road before you
All mapped out
And blinkers either side
To stop you from straying
But that's no solution
It's just a plan
How to put one foot after the other
Who could do that? Anyone
Just as soon as you give up
The right to decide
But I grew up
I got out
I saw the writing on the curtains
And said enough for me
With a little help
So I say I don't ever understand
What to do next
Say it doesn't quite work out
Say I shouldn't listen
Well I have had enough
I'm doing my best here
And I will never want for love
I think I'm saying one thing
And it's all crust
Of some kind of sycophancy
Distressed and dressed
For some function I can't recall
Who says I know the answers?
Who says there are none?
Who says?
I don't quite understand what
Or who or why
I don't sympathise
And i know I could
Enough.
So I did it, I was there
These are things that are gone
Why don't you let it go
Not saying it didn't happen
But you hug your wounds tighter
Than some of your friends
Let them breath
Let them go
It doesn't hurt any more to let go
SO you quit before it was over
So he doesn't love you enough
So you still want him
Tough
No more pushing down pushing up
Twisting everything
But not no more love
Morning breaks
I suface from night visions
Muddled and disturbing
Sourceless
Narrow, banked by high green walls
Roads tumble downwards to the sea
Escaping
And it doesn't make a difference
That I'm confident to face the world
And it doesn't make a difference
That I've got a path to follow
That this is where I belong
I just wish betwixt between in the middle
I could have some company
Not even just some lover of me
Brother took the plane
He was never gonna be here for ever
BUt I let myself forget
And baby sis thinks she won't live here any more
She just doesn't know
Doesn't see all the pretty pennies needed
Before you set up on your own
The friend I've always had to hand
Locked up in her house
Just another reason for silence
Just me and babes and ancients
Just me.
Sometimes I think I know how I got here
Sometimes I think I am someone special
Others days I just don't know why I even bothered
Why I want to cry
Mother tells me I should stop worrying
If it will all work out
But things were so much easier for her
So much less easy for me
I won't take the easy option
Unless it's good for me
There's no photo fit for me to fit into
I'll just have to take my time
Do you know if it even matters in the end?
I hope so
Still here we are
Not together any more
And you are in the same place
Kind of
And I want to hold out my hand
Give you something better than you gave then
I feel I know you better
But I am not your friend
Never promised to be
And you may not wish to speak
As you often did not then
I mean no cruelty
But just now in our group together
You spoke, perhaps by accident,
And I wish, I wish,
I wish I could give you some comfort
Or maybe I am thinking of me
And I didn't want him,
Was a bad idea from the start
But I was just beginning to feel we were friends
And daydream a lazy reunion
Bad idea again
I don't want to force things with anyone
Don't want to do the dance
Just not to be alone
But sometimes just sometimes
I wish I was with that one
It's all so increadibly complicated
Or looked at from the other, not
I can dance, touch, love
It's the rest that's beyond me
For a while.
We talk about everything
Or at least I do
And nothing is said
I try to and I hide all over again
Don't want to upset you
Just want to protect you
I'm really protecting me
How pretty