'Quest'
2000

( 98, 99, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05)

jan feb mar apr may jun jul aug sept oct nov dec

January '00
1. She 6th January
2. Gone On 6th January
3. Strip 8th January
4. Poise 11th January
5. Paper Thin Man 23rd January
6. Shade 31st January
February '00
1. Alarm Call 5th February
2. Deep Sleep 7th/8th February
3. Gone 11th February
4. Magic Mix 11th February
5. Warzones 13th February
6. Useless 6th/16th February
7. Who 18th February
8. Ache 20th February
9. Glimmer, Glow 24th February
March '00
1. Crumble poss.1st March
2. Up 6th March
3. Cliché 14th March
4. Free-fall 15th March
5. Home sick 17th March
6. Not a Love song 24th March
7. Resting on your Flaws 25th March
8. Out of Touch 29th March
9. Beetle 29th March
April '00
1. I 1st April
2. Cinnamon & Ginger 2nd April
3. II 9th April
4. Silence and the Word 9th April
5. Parallel Lines 11th /12th April
6. Judas K. 15th April
May '00
1. Last Dance 7th May
2. Tried 9th May
3. Dead Meat 16th May
4. Shadow 22nd May
5. Wish 30th/31st May/7th July
6. Spent 31st May
June '00
1. Frustration 5th June
2. Goodbye 6th June
3. Mystery Man 24th June
July '00
1. Bitter, bile 11th July
2. Quest 13th July
3. Revelations 14th July
August '00
1. Pitiful 13th August
2. Gripped 26th August
3. Momentum ?31st August/?1stSeptember
September '00
1. Box 23rdSeptember
October '00
1. Which 5th October
November '00
1. Hollow 9th November
2. Over My Innocence 21st November
December '00
1. Simple 2nd December

January

She 6th January '00

Half pirate, half queen
And a thousand other things
Breathes every character
Knows every song to sing
For she wrote them all herself

Regal as a dragon
Fire breathing's bad for your health
Heart of a lion
Feared but loved as well
And all her gold's for charity
Does her best to wish all well
There's kindness in strangers
Recognise your friends as well

Gone On 6th January '00

Did all the things you do
Left home, read the books,
And came back
Played by all the rules
But now I don't know
Thought I knew the ways of the world
Don't know if I belong
Anywhere anymore
Somehow I still belong here
Lost that sense of confidence
Meant a lot to me
To be someone
Cock of the walk
Even if not for real

Strip 8th January '00

Midas touch in reverse
No longer tactile, twice the curse
I need not touch you, or hear your voice
And already we are gold
Poisoned, divorced
See only impossibles
'Facts' of things
You don't look at me
No-one ever did
Too late now I see
What would I say to you?
Pointlessly
It's all a day dream
Only one left to me it seems
World shrunk again
Gives a little squeeze.

Poise 11th January '00

Half hearted dream of sex
Trapped inside self
Rescue me
Give me light, touch
Of sound on the ear,
Love to beat upon my heart
Questionable I seem

Kiss me I'm alone here
In my head
Dance as we have always danced
Are you questioning me?

Some parody of existence
Sleep away an afternoon
For lack of things to do
Half of everything
Confidence, sense
Of Peace, personality
Angry. Frustrated.
Dream.

Paper thin Man 23rd February '00

He seems as if paper thin
Easily crumpled, china doll
Fragile: handle with care
I tremble…
All so inherently wrong
Fear

His gaze distant
Mind elsewhere
But not as it should be
Buzzing everywhere
Not supposed to dare
Confrontation
Tense as not before
When I could not see him
Pretend the wounds not there

He grips my hand
Strength echoes future recovery
I blink back my own war memory
A single hand to hang between dark and light
Hate myself
Inane chatter as if to the half brained
Need him desperately to be better
Stark sight of a simple scored wound
Can't look, no words to utter
No comfort embrace
To stop my teeth a chatter.

Shade 31st January '00

Don't understand what this is
Or why
I keep questioning your smile
Not sure what I want from you
But I'm not getting it
So close I could touch, but I don't
Don't want to ever push you away
Wish you'd come closer
Come out and say
But I don't know
What words they would be
Declaration of love?
Too much too early
Friendship of the heart
Too frail for my persuasion
Only description I can use
Need
Warm and gentle
Stirring mental
Look eye to eye
Know you won't do a thing
Without my asking
So why am I more afraid?

February

Alarm Call 5th February '00

Trust yourself
To make mistakes
Always tell the truth
Let it slide
Keep it up
He'll be fried
And you'll be pickled with guilt
Shut the door
Can he come in
Afraid of the parody I see
Well is it
Is it really?
Don't
Torn up and nothing's done
But have I already
Dug the hole
Clear the mind stay clean
Shut out the fool
Believe
Don't have to maim
And then forever shame feel
Confusion
Oh God forgive me
Seems mine's the crime
No need to break free
Still not clear what I want
But better work it out soon

Deep Sleep 7th/8th February '00

I stare into the jaws of nothingness
Wrapped in cotton wool,
Hanging by a thread
By bright toys
Surrounded

I stare a basilisk stare
My head a cartoon blank slate
Frustrated clockwork toy
With no puzzles to solve
I live in limbo state

Careless of a want for a future
All alone, in here, there
Unable to release energy, share
Intimacies of one kind only
No touch, no room to spare

Not alone, no regrets
Heart flickers and forgets
Yet I am no longer certain
Emotions no longer run for this
Save irritation, grief

Scrabbling in circles
Blind like a bat in day light
Who's never seen the night
Looking round the corner
For a simpler life
Expecting a perfect solution
To drop into my lap
How do I justify me

Golden insulation bubble
Can't will myself free
No impetus
Everywhere's the same as here
Things to be done
But no significant change to feel
Deep sleep, no wake up call

Gone 11th February '00

Tradition, the faith
Encouragement, praise
Will strong as iron
Bright eyed gaze
Storyteller
Spin histories of family
Before during and after
Greater sense of 'me'
Figure same since childhood
A wish to embrace
Her body a shopping list
Of things gone wrong
Ignored, regardless
By the spirit outshone
A sinner, an angel
Whichever,
Now, gone.

Magic Mix 11th February '00

Roiling Boiling
Twisting mixing
Alchemist' cauldron
Of ingredients volatile
Now overwhelming
The shell still impassive
Defences groaning
Thread unsorted
Chaos runs away
A sickness that covets
No doctor can save
Event door can open
But emotions cannot be invited
Will they answer if I call?

Warzones 13th February '00

Everything is broken
And I can't do a thing
She's gone, not too long
No less far away
Connections a mess of attempts
To fix the broken, me
Bright brave face
On continual parade
Suppression's dangerously easy
These days
I just want to grieve
Not suffocate
They return like strangers
Distant, uninterested
Poked to gain a reaction
But that's not it
So much pain
She is gone
And I am afraid
This will start a trend
Tired of controlled chaos
Warzones

Useless 16th February '00

Too many times a watcher
Love at a distance always
Amorous glances, imaginary dances
No-one meets half way

But now I thought I had it
Smile meets smile
Questionable tension
Talking a while

You called me up
Now I'm afraid
Uncertain feeling
Concern of meaning
Looking both ways

Maybe its just more suppression
Typical of me
Reluctant to change
Even for a greater good

But if it isn't
I loose again
Just can't handle
Anyone else's pain
Fractured I break
Feeling changes from day to day
I just can't stay
Hovering

Who 18th February '00

Who am I these days?
A collection of things
I can't explain
Something's just not right
Heart missing a beat
Can't tell where it's gone
I just try to hang on
Apprehension, suppression, alone
But that's not an excuse

Twist between visions
Like a mirror cracked beyond repair
Love and friendship locked in glass
Can't break through the fear
Static, laconic, apathetic
I bleed, but nothing do I feel
Let go of control
Transfixed by the possibility of pain
I break
And everything fades away

All sounds so deep
I've already failed
Expresses nothing
Trapped, time elapsed,
I am still the same
But who are you?
Living in this shell
Afraid
You love him, you don't
Don't complicate it
Like a horse chomping at the bit

Like a stranger in my own house
Or should that be my head
Intelligence already fled
Gone beyond hate
Or anything so redeeming
Life an empty plain
Shot through with chaotic threads

Drop the pretence
I don't know anything any more
Just I'm alone
I'm not at home
In my own head
No vibrancy left
Will to draw breath
Excitement cut dead
In fragments beyond repair
Tired of the whole affair
Go.

Ache 20th February '00

Go away
Leave me alone
I don't think
Already twisted
By too much of that
It seems to me
Never been here before
Bewildered, uncertain what I feel
Surrounded, such strangeness
Stunned, mind trying to sort out new ways
Unclear how to behave
Guess can't hurt with a smile and wave
Least that's how
It used to seem to me
No second chances, I believe
Give love, have to face
Misunderstanding, pain or hate
Innocence cannot be wrong?
Feel what you feel
Hurt unintentionally
Show only truth in your face
What is thought their own concern
But I can't stop the ache.

March

Crumble ?1st March '00

Box of bones
One touch
And it is shattered
Life slips out
And what to trust?
Memory blocked
Sceptical of senses,
Lost.
Shiver, flesh easily breached
And bones crumble to dust
Image hovers on the edge
But not close enough
To warn, filled with mistrust
When will fear go?

Glimmer, Glow 24th February '00

What is this
That eats me up
Without words
Touches something
Deep within
Almost hurts
Ache
Headlight stares
Watching a moment's mistake
In frozen replay
Sudden warmth, closeness
No words
Strange
I…
Don't quite know why
Not a special pair of eyes
Or a friendly smile
Cheap at half the price
Conversation almost nothing
Yet I
Crazy smile almost touches lips
Preoccupied
Formless sense alive
New? Old?
Don't know
Just not alone
Glow.

Up 6th March '00

I am weak
I bleed
You smile
I plead
For something not given
Do you do you do you know
What sickness I have?
Worship weakness
Selfish bleater
Fool

I am asleep
I dream
You look at me
What does it mean?
Could you could you could you feel for me
What ever it is I feel
Warm touch
Heart close enough
To bleed

I don't think anymore
I just exist
You just ignore
Did you did you did you ever see
Something worth seeing
Self centred, that's me
Eat up love
Never enough
Long

I drift
I wish
You are speechless
Have you have you have you
Got a chance to breathe
I am warm
But I am lost again
Sting

Cliché 14th March '00

Loss of appetite, queasiness
Distracted, dazed
But now emotionally,
I am more stable
Went through whole rollercoaster
Did/didn't he
Should/shouldn't I
Tell him my painful history
Tumble turmoil
Settled Down
Prepared to shatter walls?
No, but maybe
Confident enough to try

Free-fall 15th March '00

I thought I'd worked it out
Thought I knew the answers for myself
But you just don't say a word
You just look at me and don't say a word
And I'm in free-fall
Smile some more
And I'll be too pleased for my own good
What do I say?
Trapped in logarithms of old pain
Boring, stupid, a waste of space
Hide away
Reach out and touch?
I'm too afraid
Of what you might not say
Silence brings its own rewards
But also its own mistakes
Speak and don't go away

Home Sick 17th March '00

Sick of overheard conversations
A myriad of problems
Not mine
Selfish spite?
Perhaps
But can one not just be tired
Of things that won't go away
However much you care
In the end they eat you alive
Frustration, irritation, pain
Roots die
I am reformed
New world
For a voice, a pair of eyes
A startled smile.

Not a Love Song 24th March

Please don't let go
Life is hell now, I know
But a world you don't inhabit
Is too terrible for thought
Know you won't believe me
When I say how much we need you
Or how much love you have
But I'd like you to try and think of it
When you get to your darkest hour

Try and hold on
I will always be there
However corny, we care
You
Your shadows like my shadows
Your heart and mine
You understand me, you've seen me cry
How can I not turn again for you

I can't make your life bright
But I keep on trying even when I shouldn't try
Love is the only light
But sometimes it's not enough to smile
It's not a crime
But I feel as if I'm guilty
When you want to die

Whatever you want to say
Come out and say it
I'll love you anyway
I'll hold your hand if you need it
Do anything to make you feel better
Do anything I can.

Resting on Your Flaws 25th March '00

Comes down to trust
And a question of scars
Am I just a bundle of old hurts
Do you really have to know each one by name
To understand me and mine
Or do they only complete
The picture of my life

Does the darkness influence all of my acts
When I stay or go, say or no
Is it all only to react
To what has gone before
Maybe I'll never know
If I turn my back on you
Secret star

How far this feeling goes I don't know
But I always love to speak to you
And be where you are
Given time I doubt I'll want much more
And if I don't, this thing won't be
A poor relation to some 'abstract truth'
It'll still be what we choose to call it
A smile from the heart.

Out of Touch 29th March '00

Was waiting for this feeling
And now it's here
It feel somehow hollow, out of touch
Something out of kilter
Akin to fear
But,
Distortion's all my fault
Not sure I belong here
Except, I don't want to let go
Is it some twisted need for mystery?
To want only what is out of reach
I don't know
But something's become mistrust

Don't know where
I went wrong
But, something
Try must become done,
Mistrust into trust
As in that cynical song
I just feel I have to
Spill it all out
Everything that eats me up
That isn't you
So I can get through
To us

Beetle 29th March '00

Night watch
I do the rounds
Clean off day self
Turn down the lights
Slide doors shut
And head for sleep
Dozily daydream
In irony, for 'tis night

April

I 01st April '00

I live
I breathe
I break
I bleed
Doors to thought
I fashion
Bittersweet-
Compassion
You wait
I stiffen
Frustration
Forgiven
You look
I think
Suffer silence
Silence seek
I bloom
You fade
I question
Warmed by shade

Cinnamon & Ginger 2nd April '00

Your presence, your touch
Like a balm
Or a bubbling burn, hidden
But where is that great core of feeling
Meaning eternal
Or as long as memory serves
Perhaps it is unnecessary
Or hidden by some cloud

Familiarity breeds content
And can content let go?
I am still no nearer to your thoughts
But is it necessary? Is it right?
Is the lack a burden
Or freedom from guilt

I have burnt right down to ashes
Such is purest lust
But such a thing was fragile
And twisted to the touch
Born of obsession's fatuous lying wings
Nothing of necessary love

Left unsaid a thousand feelings
Does he need to know
Shuts the door
Or comforts, holds out love?
And if so, is that all?
Do I love freedom, comfort & touch
Do I love not enough?
Or simply enough for now
Deep intuitions, reading of thoughts
I could loose myself

II 9th April '00

I am silence
I am breath
I am half waking
I am death
If only death of self
Over melodramatic
Split, chipped coating
Eternally changing direction
Unseasonably calm
Unreasonably warm
Subtle hints of insanity creep in
Pandering to the pride born of vanity
I dare not enough
And hope not to lie

Silence and the Word 9th April '00

Liberal interpretations
Spoken or not
A hundred hesitations
I am lost
Split of emotions
Beyond silence and the word
I hear your name

Love and apathy twist in my head
Can I be happy
Purposelessly led
You look to smile at me
I never know what it means
Whether in silence or the spoken word
It's not all that's left

I feel and then it goes
Which state is true
Each one has separate answers
Do I believe in 'no' or you
Both feel right when they surround me
Whether you've spoken or said nothing at all
Is there a difference at all

Think I would miss you
If you were gone
Couldn't bear to hurt you
How can that be wrong
Feel with affection
But where's the burn
Maybe I don't need it
Needed to learn
A purer kind of truth
Behind silence and the word

Parallel Lines 11th April '00

Voice & Echo
I'm killing you with indifference
With lack of intensity
But I can't fake or feel delirium
When you won't talk to me
Two shut up little boxes
Neither knows who cares for who
Can you tell you're stepping into the distance
When I reach for sympathy
To spill out my problems
You want me to smile, for it to disappear
How kind
How utterly unreal
We spend my rich wealth of time
And still I can't tell
If I'm happier elsewhere

We skirt round promises
Distance anything deep
No shared confidences
Nothing to keep
I must say something
So must you
Seemed like you were crying
Hurt me too
And at the same time I almost kissed you
You did not do a thing
It's always the same between us
I open doors carefully
You never step through to see

We laugh light laughs
Light as the driven snow
Too much in drifts wood
Suffocate you know
I talk to paper
Leave you alone
I have my shelter, you have none
But the ache in your eyes haunts me
Won't let me go
In the sunshine, I think I love you
When the rain falls, I don't know
I don't really know what I'm doing
Wish you did, though
Am I talking in code?
Well maybe
Oh.

Echo & Voice
You wallow in your confusion
Over analysis, melting and fusion
Well I'm not a faker either
And you too are silent,
Then speak

Am I truly so distant?
Who can tell such things
You pretend your pains are nothing
Then weep at the same sense from me

You ask for sympathy
And reject it out of hand
And you wonder why I fail to show feeling
Mistress of the mask
You may have shown me your scars at distance
You never let me in

When will you speak
What will you say
I know what I was feeling
How do you reach to share of pain
You keep your defences high
You open none to me
And wonder why I cannot get in
What else can I do but reach to help
Would it hurt to consider you are not alone

Speak
Don't
Don't insult my defences
Don't let go
Tell me which is it
I want to know
Translate your messages
Or let me go

Judas K. 15th April '00

Echoes of your emotions
Float across your face
Seems tables twist again
You're the one not talking
Leaving me with some expression code to crack
No way of knowing what's wrong
Doctoring the symptoms
Only answer kill or cure
Judas K.
Innocently lying, becomes betrayal
In a single moment
Delicious abandon
Or feeling shown unreal

May

Last Dance 7th May

I shouldn’t be here tonight
With you, but my heart’s not in it
You look tired,
This is a strain on me too
And as I turn to sleep,
I rehearse goodbyes

Wake up I change my mind,
Then change it back again
Can’t expect you to live on a yoyo
Here and gone again
That’s not feeling, meaning
It’s a lie
Pleasantness/ritual and smiles
Comfort blanket/an initial trial
Obviously I wasn’t cut out for this kind of life

I have a thousand explanations
None or all are right
I’m different with you
Always an actor performing a private show
Never quite myself at all
And if I can see a fraction of self
Through a glass darkly
I only see what’s wrong
Obligation, ritual, guilt

Silence, I say not a word
Too proud to put anything on show
Too polite to let go
And break barriers
But is that you or me?

Tried 9th May ’00

Been trying for so long
Even trying not to try
Twisting in an overcomplicated tangle
I wonder why
Now as I decide it is nothing
And step outside
I start to feel something
But how much

Maybe you deserve a last chance
Maybe you deserve one last dance
Maybe we can survive
But the more I think on it
I don’t know why
It’s not good enough
Goodbye

I never lied to you
Thought I felt something
Once, perhaps I did
I can read my scribbled feelings at the time
And since then too,
But it’s all become too contrived
Ritualistic
Like every first time

Shadow 22nd May ’00

I
I tried
I tried so hard
I try so hard not to hurt
Mr Reflection in the mirror
You never illuminated
Simply stated
You were silent
So I didn’t
Speak
Not your fault
Not yours,
Not
I try to find the words
Not a whisper of regret
Not a shred of feeling
Just a mess of memories
That I don’t want to recall
Though they slip by at odd moments
One by one
Free/at Peace
Only loose ends to tie up
Only tied up
On the up
O
To weave new tangles of my own.

Dead Meat 16th May ’00

Divert my attention
Get my brain back on track
I’m touching the 5th dimension
I’m melting down too fast

I switch pursuits under guidance
I have no choice anyway
I think I sold my soul too cheaply
Paid to watch it die

Doesn’t matter what I’m doing
So long as I don’t think
But I’m running out of space not to think in
Drowning in this emptiness of thought
Sleep/dazed or exhausted/crazed
What’s wrong with normal time and pause

Keep dreaming something better comes
Some puzzling twisting cause
And I’m adrift, afloat
On endless, minor variation

Wish 30/31st May/7th July ‘00

Wish I could say
I regret leaving
Wish I could say
Sadness isn’t fleeting
Wish I could say anything at all
But I don’t want to speak

Without you
I’m more than OK
Without you
I feel my soul is saved
I should have left a long time ago
But I didn’t know what I was doing

Wish I could say
I wasn’t twisted up by all of this
Wish I could say
I loved you
But I don’t
I just wish you would go

Spent 31st May ’00

Scattered in switching directions
Mired in misted reflections
I look and all I see are stars
Feels like
I’m struggling to hold conventions, conversations
Patterns of thought

I am become an automaton
Processing without meaning
Meanings tattered and fraught
A reflection of self
A shadow of thought

Desires so incongruous
Numerous as petals on a daisy chain
Loose leafed and shattered
Hungry, yet hungry for naught
I hover on the edge of moving
Still in the penumbra of a pause
Circe’s isle forgetful
Some tourist resort
I long for direction
But I have no-one to point

Mem’ry of not long ago
Just an echo
As mistakes go
I have made greater
What is next?

Give me a task
Make my mind work
Free at last
To rot in the shelter
Break without mark
A fragment of anger
Grief, a deep bit shard

Careless, heedless of pity
I struggle with tainted belief
Naked lust, love fantasy
No longer light relief
I am but a shadow
Reflection in the mirror
No-one looks back
But I am too detached

Cynicism has no place for me
Empiricists would grieve
I have faith and mysticism
I look for signs
Hope for messages writ plain
Dream of understanding whispers
To see a smile untainted by claim
Of deeper meaning

Guilt at what may be done
Hides under a wry style
Of conversation.

June

Frustration 5th June ’00

Set my skin on fire
Eat me whole
I’m dying from unspent desire
Won’t let go
Burned, consumed, possessed
Seduce me with your eyes
Let your words inspire
Utter devotion
If only for tonight

Sick of wanting without focus
Let some thing and some one conspire
Feed emotion even higher
In one unstoppable rollercoaster ride

Pull me in and spit me out
Let me figure how
To bind you to me
Wrap you up
Then set you free
Forget the ghosts that haunt me

Rip my chains away
I want to
Take you taking me
And regret not a thing
Careless of when it will fade and die
Ignore fairy stories
Obsessed by you

Keep expecting to turn a corner
And meet to assuage
But the fire keeps on building
Hotter till it pains

But I can’t shake off
Reluctance to hurt
Ingrained

Hurt me with your passionate smile
And I will throw it away
Transformed and changed
Fill my focus
And I will focus on you
Send you up in flames.

Goodbye (song lyrics) 6th June ’00

And the door between you and I is closed
I sit still in my room alone
And it’s not for want of company I groan
I just want to be burned and to burn
Not want at an unfixed home
And I know I have to wait
Even though I dream of the throw away
I can’t act for less than love

I tried to reach on questionable feeling
I know sometimes it works out
But you’ve got to go with your impulses
Even if it’s wrong
Work through experience, get along

I’m not a wrecking ball
I never asked you to care
I never said you should ask bigger questions
Just share
A little piece of friendship, love
Can’t help feeling but I’m not the one
One more mixed up girl
Catholic or not

What do you want of me
I’m not what you think
Happy in company
Still looking for direction
Packing the kitchen sink

Give me a choice
Don’t just smile at me
Or are you content to dream
Wander unfinished, unpolished, gleam
Set up your signposts
You really know the way
God will help you, if you pray

You’re just confused
I’m just amused
I have to say
Like the rest of us

Mystery Man 24th June ’00

Why do I love you
When you’re just
a figment of my imagination
Your conversation
lights me up for hours
But you’re not even there
I touch you touching me
Who’s to say this isn’t real
But I think it’s just a creation
Of hidden fear
A dream of dream made real
Bitter, there’s no-one like you here
So complete
Your wry smile, mirror wit
Knowing me knowing you
Why
I am he
She is me
We are one
There is no pretence
Just a wish
No hesitation, silent bliss
Mindful of no-one
Hope made real

July

Bitter, bile 11th July ’00

This is not goodbye
Just another inch of widening
Again you’re going away
And if I shed a tear
It’s only that it seems
You’re growing up without me
Again

And now we’re so different
New reactions seem strange
But I still remember
Sweet memory
Reflections in the mirror

You were the one who knew me
Helped me shut out the dark outside
Reminded me that there was light
Left me to struggle on my own
Abandon me again
Keep repeating, it was a good thing
Space was useful
World too big
For an insulated I or we Or so I like to think.

Quest 13th July ’00

Blond and brown in the sunlight
Grown beyond rosewood bows
And contrast patterns
Or secret codes
Family beyond blood
Do-you-remembers
A thousand times long
We were images in the mirror
But now so differently old
You represent stability
A past that has not gone
Shared experience,
Dark, light, long
And wherever you go
I know you and you know me
If only to remember
We were/are/will be friends
A ghost you ask to haunt you
A bone deep memory.

Revelations 14th July ’00

We are more than we were
Parallel, pain, distortion
Self invented lies
Past and gone
But kept hidden in the heart
We have all broken
Made mistakes small and large
Been young and cruel and heartless once
It was all a long time ago
Time, a mischievous speed freak
He let me make myself anew
And you were there to see it
Caught up in new lives
But I still see you
And I remember, now,
Forgiven.

August

Pitiful 13th August ’00

You were as innocent as a cherry in a candy box
Sweet, good to eat,
But inside a distasteful stone
But maybe that was me

And when I had to spit you out
Too busy wearing sack cloth and ashes
To notice how it was good that you were gone
Stuck in repercussions
Reparations at the point of a gun
The seed couldn’t grow

Had to break out of this loop hole
Shuck of all the repetitious guilt
And anger at the dream that broke
Good to let go of letting go
Remember I enjoy being on my own

Gripped 26th August '00

More guilt vicar,
One lump or two
Why don't you just hand me the ladle
Why stop at a few

When did I
Turn into a
Bitter selfish bitch

Take a boy, innocent
On all charges
Served me a three course meal
Rational recognition?
Overrated, doesn't stop the flow
More like a self feeding spiral

First course
Blinding, pounding
Utterly self distorting
Contorting, pulsing, gripping
Just pulled the pin and
Dropped it overnight

Followed shortly by
Second course!
Exchange guilt for not saying
For guilt in the said

Ignore the
"Had to be done, no regrets"
Or the whimpered
"It was for the best"
Drawn out
Till a soak in the sun
Gave a new perspective,
Gone

Ah course number three
Previously,
Fractious from guilt
One is frumptious frumpy
Or angry
Then guilty from angry
Add guilty for fractious
Him handling it politely
Add a few more spoons of guilt

It matters not hardly
If first angry or guilty
They all feed on each other
Till Babelling tower is built

But maybe it's all entertainment
An extra excuse for
Self hate
Already guilty
Of becoming nothing
But extension of telly
And words in a book
Could anyone dig their way out?

Momentum ?31st August/?1st September '00

Shall I switch
Prepared to wish
Burt not to commit
Am I just a fool

Just can't make up my mind
Or wilfully in flagrant
Slacker to the core
Don't want or plan to be
But I'm still here
Guilty, fat free
What can't I just
Move

Can't I just take
Second best
Or simply take
Tiresome little bit
Foolish little miss
Motivate me
Why should I look outside
Should be doing it
Myself and I
I'm silent
Worthless
Work-shy
Spiral down
Shifting die

Break my heart and mock me
Teach me to laugh,
Instruct me
I don't know how to live any more
Just breathe and eat up
Other people's ideas
I love the way you look at me
Impossible as it may seem
You make me forget myself
So set me loose I want to be free

September

Box 23rd September '00

Who am I
But a box of dreams
Dusty and forgotten
Bright with yesteryear
Once I thought
I could be a superhero
Gilded gold and green
Now I settle for comfort
Is it as poor as it could seem
Grow up girl
You don't really want to bleed
Got to get up and leave
This is my way to do it
Comfort me
Am I afraid of starting again?

">Comments?

October

Which 5th October '00

Wholeness
I want sometimes
Don't you
Sit curled up in my room
Like some adolescent cliché
But maybe that's just true
Happens so often it get old
Before it's ever new

Give me, give up
Get through, trust
Can't learn to love
Locked up
Never leave the house

How'm I supposed to find out
Meet you
Except in some fragmentary way
Visions in faces and words
And dreams

November

Hollow 9th November '00

Am I an empty thing
Awash with nothing feelings
Drowning in echo wants
Dry of believing

I float in empty space
Tired of reliving
All that old loneliness
"Is there someone out there for me"

I'm not on my own
This bedrock isn't moving
But why do I feel
Like I'm living in some mountain eyrie
Like everything I do is wrong
However much I learn is not enough
To keep me from going crazy

Can't help needing
Something isn't right
Forgive if I want to fill with lust
To break the monotony
Forgive me if I want to
Stop living on the inside
Addicted to empty sleep

Over My Innocence 21st November '00

Another pair of eyes
Another smile
White framed face
Walking trial
And it's as if you went yesterday
I see you smile
But I can't say
Why I'm crying right now

It's been a while already
And it's not as if I knew you too well
But somehow I need your praise
All you said that was not true
But enough to make me wish
Persist at what I'm at
Wish it was
See how tall I stand now
What I do to live

You hear me
But I wish I could see
And it didn't hurt to know
Another pair of eyes
Another smile
Not yours.

December

Simple 2nd December '00

Chills shiver
Blood beats
Skin aquiver
But no-one's here

Automaton under
Some cyclic control
I want
I can't have
Petulant

Rampaging
But only in my head
Trapped
But only by desire

Repent
These feelings don't belong here
Unspent
I'm sick of dreams
Malignant
I hate not to dream
Under new management
Get me out of there

End

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'Quest' 2000