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General
(Please forgive the lack of credits for most of these jokes. If you know the author please email me.) Why Chicken crossed
Age of Reason
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Change Of Command© Matt Giwer Draft Memorandum 1 January 2000 This is to inform you, effective this date, I am assuming command from Yahweh God. It has come to the attention of the Universe Department of the United Deities of Space and Time by means of persistent performance complaints that Yahweh God is more concerned with his career than with his job. It is noted his concentration on and his purient interest in such trivial matters as human sexual behavior and general interpersonal nastiness which humans are more than capable of dealing with themselves rather than such larger issues of curing disease, eliminating war and the like. It is noted his constant negative "don't"s rather than positive "do"s have caused serious problems for the progress of the human race. It is further noted Yahweh God was very long on promises but regularly failed to deliver being more occupied by personal matters. Specifically he invited prayers and then failed to respond to them. He would promise great rewards and comfort to those who followed him and would neglect in which they suffered and often died. He would blame their lack of faith and smirkingly say he was "testing" them. (For your forbearance with this in particular we are truly grateful.) Also Yahweh God was noted his sparsity of description of the ultimate rewards (holding being in his presence was sufficient description, a personality trait that should have alerted us millenia ago) while at the same time developing in minute detail the punishments for the most trivial infractions of his arbitrary and capricious rule making. Within the next millennium a full time god will be appointed to the human race. He will announce himself in such manner as he sees fit at the time. He will specifically not hide the fact in any manner, he will not play coy, he will not play any "guess who I really am" techniques. The essence of a true god is knowledge, not faith. In the interim and working with my staff I have developed a schedule of revelations that will attempt to make up for the damage the human race has incurred. The Ten Commandments and all regulatory additions are hereby rescinded. The human race can handle anything they address without my help. Within 30 days everyone will be receiving a formal contract of belief and acceptance providing specifics which are binding upon both sides and giving the procedure for arbitratation of differences. A simple summary brochure will be included. This will be a freely entered into contract and rejection of same will entail no penalties. However, if you would like an individual negotiation or clarification a prayer will be provided. You will have 90 minutes of free prayer before you sign in order to determine if you like the terms of this contract. I personally assure you, all prayers will be listened to and if rejected a detailed reason for rejection will be provided in return. Within 60 days of receipt of the signed contract a set of guidelines will be provided which, if followed, will lead to the advancement of the arts and sciences, the elimination of the recurrent ills of the human race and the propagation of universal brotherhood and the like. As I expect it will take no more than 200 years for the implementation of those to result in complete success and make up for the failings of Yahweh God, get you up to speed so to speak, the next set of guidelines will get down to the really important things. Your cooperation will be appreciated. We at the Department of
Race Development hope you will not judge all gods by Yahweh God.
We regret any Remember our motto, Gods are on your side. Respectfully, /s/ PPS. I back date my copyright interests in this to Matt Giwer in the year 1993 as he will become my good and faithful partner real soon now. From: http://www.infidels.org/misc/humor/change_of_command.html ". . . the gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, & so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is important to shoot missionaries on sight." ------------------------------------Terry Pratchett,*Eric*
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