My Personal Page
Me and my boys when they were MUCH younger
Me and my boys when they were MUCH younger
Let's see, what would someone want to know about me?
Well for starters I'm 42 years old, about 267#'s (yes, I've gained some unwanted weight, but I'm in the process of losing it again!), hazel eyes, brownish hair, both ears pierced, bi but more gay than straight, divorced with 3 sons not living with me, I'm a pianist/keyboardist/composer, an eclectic Wiccan High Priest third degree, BearLover, and Classical music lover.
I'm currently living in Utica NY, about 10 minutes away from my kids.
I graduated from the Crane School of Music at SUNY Potsdam December of 1996 in Music Education/Piano/Choral. My plans were to get a degree both in Special Education and Music Education, but I now feel that Special Ed is NOT where I should be. I've thought about going back to school for Accompanying, but think I would like Music Therapy better. This plan might change too.
In my music, I'm currently working on a Requiem Mass for SATB chorus, orchestra, and soloists. I've also been working on a String Quartet in F Minor, and have most of the sketches finished for it. I've also written about 50 Christian contemporary songs including a lullaby for my sons, Suite Jesus! for Piano and Synthesizer, but none of them have been copyrighted or published yet.I've been doing ALOT of synthesizer improvisation music lately. I've really come up with many great ideas and beautiful melodies. Unfortunatally I can't remember what I played! If you would like to know more about my song titles and such, then click on Brubear's Music.
I was a Born Again Christian. I've always known that I was 'different' since I was very young, around 5 or 6 years old. At age 9 I was sexually molested by my 18 year old cousin Michael who came to live with us. I really didn't think that what Michael and I were doing was wrong. I had always been attracted to older men, especially hairy men, since as long as I can remember. One day my mother caught me with my pants around my ankles in Michael's room. Well, to make a long story short Michael moved out, I went to therapy, joined little league baseball, and started going to church. Around that time I also started teaching myself how to play the piano. By the time I got in 8th grade, I was asked to be Church Pianist at the church I was going to. I remained Church Pianist until I graduated high school. I had devoted my entire life to the Church, keeping secret my truest self, not wanting anyone to know about how I REALLY felt inside, what I REALLY was turned on by. So, being the oldest son I got married. I loved my wife, I really did. Sex with her was okay, but I wasn't totally fulfilled. Even though we had 3 sons, I always felt that something was lacking. One day when I could stand it no longer, I seduced a man I knew (and he was willing, of course!) and then my eyes were finally opened! I had found the fulfillment that had been lacking in my life. But the question was how to tell my wife about it. I couldn't keep this secret to myself, so I asked her to sit at the kitchen table as I dumped the news on her. It was a very difficult time.
I moved out for a week, and not wanting almost 8 years of marriage go down the tubes I begged her to come back. At that time we had been attending an Assembly of God church. When I had left, she and the Pastor of that church came up with these 9 points if I was to return to the household:
For a week I agreed to these terms. Then one day my wife was really nagging me while I was doing the dishes. She kept it up and kept it up. I finally turned to her and told her that I would agree to everything, become a prisoner in my own home if she would do ONE thing for me in return. I requested that in addition to joint-counseling with the Pastor, that we should go to joint-counseling to someone OUTSIDE of the church. She then told me, "Why should I go to someone who is going to tell me that what you're doing is right?" I told her it was over. Why? Because no matter what I did, I would always be wrong in her eyes. Besides, I didn't want my children to grow up having a father who was afraid to be himself, and/or to be what somebody else wanted him to be. So I moved out. At that same time my church friends and family left me, and I became totally alone.
After that I went through a severe depression, became very suicidal and had to
re-evaluate what I believed in. I had lost faith in the Christian Church,
realizing it wasn't what I had thought it was. So I began to explore different
spiritualities, including Wicca/Witchcraft. I had always been drawn to Witchcraft,
but never knew the reason why. Why not try reading My Basic Spiritual Philosophy? I'm currently studying Buddhims/Taoism, more for the philosophical and meditative aspects, as well as the mental/mindful disciplines.
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